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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
Blogwoman · 04/02/2018 22:15

Glad you have both found things that help need & along. DM not remembering to eat & drink often enough so more visits would be helpful for those basics, apart from anything else. Waiting to hear if the carers have the capacity to take on more visits...

Needmoresleep · 05/02/2018 08:43

My (Catholic) mother announced yesterday that when she died she would go straight to Heaven, as she had already spent enough time in Purgatory.

More sadly she asked DH to tell her about her husband. She loved him deeply, but is forgetting him. We tend to tell her about the grandchildren, but she is never that interested. Perhaps we should be talking about my dad and the good times instead.

timeistight · 06/02/2018 14:30

My MIL was widowed thirty odd years ago, but her DH was truly the love of her life. She is now beginning to ask her children about him, so she seems to be forgetting him, which I find unbearably poignant.

wonkylegs · 07/02/2018 11:32

I have the slightly weird one of my mum and Dad being divorced for over 10yrs but still friends so he often pops over for a coffee or to sort something out for me (replace a bulb or fix something small) as I'm not around and he's only a mile away but she's starting to forget they are divorced.
It would be funny if it weren't so difficult to handle.

yolofish · 07/02/2018 12:07

oh wonky that made me smile. your Dad sounds like a very nice man.

Original poster
thesandwich · 07/02/2018 21:45

Oh wonky that is so sad. Such a cruel disease. Good on your dad though.

OP posts:
wonkylegs · 07/02/2018 22:32

Dad has his moments but I can't fault him on his compassion for mum since she's had this awful disease.

Had to force myself to not throw the phone at the wall tonight though when my brother called and was patronisingly critical of everything I have been doing for mum and said I needed to sort out more! I have spent 2 hours on the phone today + 1hr on the computer doing stuff for mum. I haven't got that much time free let alone any more. When I pointed out he was welcome to do it himself, he's obviously got too much to do. Apparently the carer I've organised isn't good enough (I actually think he's pretty good, proactive and gives feedback - which I hear isn't always the case) and I should be looking for someone else.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 11/02/2018 18:27

Argh, wonkylegs. My sibling used to do that - and patronisingly tell me things that I'd known for weeks but they'd only just discovered - but after some frank speaking things have improved.

Brew and Flowers for everyone who's keeping buggering on.

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 08:01

Managing these situations without falling out with sibs is an art in itself. Thanks
We're at breaking point with organising Dad's funeral. Mum is being a caricature of her usual, complex, awkward self. She and my sister are getting very stressed, and sending stress bombs out at me and my brother. Everything I try and help with I do wrong, and little passive aggressive snipes arrive by email or messenger at regular intervals. It's been 4 weeks. There is one week to go. Mum won't tell anyone what readings or hymns she's decided on. There is confusion over who is doing what. I offered to do a tribute. My brother also might want to say a few words depending how he feels on the day. My sister now says she wants to as well, presumably because she'll feel left out if she doesn't. Mum's now cross that 'everyone seems to want to speak', and doesn't like what I had prepared. I've said I'm very happy to just do a reading... and on and on.

Original poster
thesandwich · 13/02/2018 08:19

Pickle that sounds awful. Not what any of you need. Who is taking the service? Could they referee oops facilitate? Sending early morning Brew Take care.

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picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 09:03

There are two services, Church and crem. First one hasn't met her yet as he's been away then she's been ill. Second one she is falling out with because he is being too prescriptive with her (!).

I just want dad sent off with dignity! What a hoohah. I've got to tell one person who was asked to speak-- on behalf of a society that he can't because mum doesn't like him.-- However, I do t have any direct contact 8nfo for him, and the person who organised it is on holiday for a week. Hey ho. This isn't how I usually express myself, but FML. Grin

wonkylegs · 13/02/2018 09:21

Oh Pickle - families can be hard work and stress can amplify that so much.
I'm sure something will work out in the end.
Thanks

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 09:34

I think I'm going to go down tomorrow. I was going to stay a week around the funeral, but I may go down a week early as well. I'm not sure she can be left on her own. Sister's just off to see her now.

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 09:35

Thank you. It's enough to send me to the gin bottle early!

MoreCheerfulMonica · 13/02/2018 10:13

Oh, pickle. I can't suggest anything except patience and Gin.

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 10:22

I'm having a lovely distracting time on the HCB thread. Very cathartic silliness, should anyone need it.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 13/02/2018 10:41

That sounds like the perfect distraction! What's HCB?

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 11:24

Hot cross buns. Look under high heels child parent parking. True silliness.

Blogwoman · 13/02/2018 22:35

Sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time of it pickle... 💐

yolofish · 17/02/2018 23:14

how are you doing pickle?

Alonglongway · 18/02/2018 00:31

Mum’s younger sister died this week making her the last of her 4 siblings. She was in US. They had always been close but lost contact since they both went deep into dementia. We decided not to tell mum, which feels weird but I can't see any good from telling her. Shes very ill and I think this is a loss she wouldn't handle. There's also a question mark about how well my aunt was cared for in the last year.

DD2 was telling me this evening how hard she's finding it. We're pulling together well as a family but it's been a long time now. We have fantastic carers but they can't substitute for some of the tougher dementia moments. We've invested loads of time and trouble this winter and it has paid off in no hospital admissions but it has taken its toll on us.

picklemepopcorn · 18/02/2018 07:17

Hi yolo, I'm just heading down to mums for the funeral. I'm ashamed to say I haven't spoken to her for a few days. The rational explanation is that she is getting confused about who she has talked with which makes the arrangements even harder. Fact is, though, I just can't face it. I don't want to be shouted at, complained at, etc. So it's face to face today, and I find that easier, especially as the boys will be with me and that curtails the worst of it!

Longway, that sounds sensible. I'm sorry about your aunt. How old is your mum?

Original poster
thesandwich · 18/02/2018 08:34

Pickle, completely understand you not speaking to your mum.you need your space and time too. Thinking of you today and sending strength for tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll do him proud.
Along- so sorry to hear your news and what impact it is having on your family. Please try and get some sort of break for you and your family.

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MoreCheerfulMonica · 18/02/2018 18:09

Best of British, Pickle (or is that very anglocentric of me?) Anyway, hope all goes as well as it can.

I'm sorry about your aunt, Along, but sure you've done the right thing.

Needmoresleep · 19/02/2018 11:10

Pickle, lots of sympathy here. I went through similar when I got married, to the extent I just left DM and MiL to their rows. So knew better to stay well away when my father died. And no, sadly, I was not asked to speak.

Self protection, boundaries and distance when needed.