Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Hello Jelly, I've not been part of that but I'm sure some of the other folk on the thread have, and will be along to he,p soon.

Hi Jelly. Social services should do an assessment and then organise the care at an appropriate level. Payment for this is on a sliding scale depending on her assets - there is a great Age UK information section on it here.
It will be agency carers who will do the job they have on their sheet 'get out of bed, wash, dress, give breakfast' for instance, but you'll still have to do all the other things, so accept every bit of care that they can arrange and then you can concentrate on doing the bits you have to iyswim

Hiya , thanks for the link.

Looks likely from that she'll have to pay as she has a small inheritance. We're waiting on the assessments. She's been in hospital 3 weeks and is looking better in herself, making noises about coming home but I'm worried if its without carers coming in that she'll go backwards again.

I'm ok to help out here and there like I have been but not prepared to do it full time as I'm not always around (hubby works away so I go too for the odd couple of days).

Check that she will have an assessment of her home by an occupational therapist- they can provide/ suggest gadgets that can make a big difference- handrails etc, and also things like a keysafe so carers and others can get access.

Hi Jelly, do you mind if I make a few suggestions. If you have not already done so. It is a list of thing I did which really helped me in managing my mother's failing health.
PoA
Getting post redirected to me
A care line and a key box
Big list of names telephone numbers of those involved in her care.
Doctors, hospitals, physics, O Health.
A list of her medications
All her personal details, place of birth, marriage N.I number.
I got asked the same questions over and over again and got into the habit of having the file with me every time Imade a call.
A file to record every phone call I made on her behalf, the outcome and the promise made. Noting the name of the person I spoke to, as well as the date and time.
I did manage to get my mum to make all her savings accounts and bank accounts into joint names, while she still had mental capacity.

I found that nothing was ever resolved with just one phone call, and that, being able to quote dates and names moved things along.

Thought it was time to drop in to the main thread as I've posted in the elderly parents section a few times. Don't actually have an elderly parent - she's only 59 - but a lot of medical issues (epilepsy, bipolar, history of alchoholism, possible osteoporosis and some form of dementia/cognitive impairment). I'm only family member and am 200 miles away!

I'm currently in the passenger seat being driven up the motorway to a VERY angry lady who doesn't understand that she can't leave hospital until the care package is in place. She's been in for over 3 weeks and funding is all approved but agencies are all full... they're holding her with deprivation of liberty but she doesn't know/understand this. Think this visit is going to involve a lot of shouting and probably security being called as she won't accept that she has to stay. Wish me luck!

Good luck and lots of strength to you Birdy. Plan something nice to do after the visit - I find it helps me get through things.

One thing I have learned from here is that telling your parent that things are All The Fault of Other People is a great way to cope. She can't go home because the Doctor says so. No, you don't have any say in it. The Doctor says so.
It deflects their anger from you, and somehow often an authority figures opinion is taken better.
And if all else fails, the toddler view can help. Toddlers are angry, shouty etc when you tell them they can't play on the road but you prevent them doing so for their safety. You don't get upset that they are, because its the right and safe thing. Same applies to cognitively impaired parents.

But most of all, be kind to yourself.

Thanks Dibbler. The toddler analogy is a good one - I'm a teacher so hopefully I can muster some of my behaviour management techniques! Only problem with blaming the doctors is that she's already annoyed with the hospital. And to be fair, they have messed up a couple of things since she's been in. Maybe I'll try blaming social services instead...

Birdy sending you good wishes too. Cmot is right- just do what you can. And look after yourself.
Hope everyone else is managing to juggle and look after themselves too.

Hello all. Can I join in? I've lurked intermittently for a long time but a crisis has driven me to post (serial name-changer but very old MN hand).

My DM is in her 90's and lives alone, managing pretty well up till now despite some significant health issues and worsening mobility - she can't leave the house and is dependent on me and a neighbour for shopping etc. I live a considerable distance away but have spent the last few years shuttling back and forth at frequent intervals.

She had a fall - 2 in fact - earlier this week and suddenly it feels as though everything's come crashing down. I'm panicking really. Trying to calm myself down for her sake as I'm here looking after her, but I'm constantly flooded with adrenaline and not sure where to turn. Sorry for the long and garbled post but I suppose I'm looking for a bit of a hand-hold if anyone would be kind enough to talk to me a bit.

Hello bias- sorry you have to join us here. Hand hold, and
. This sounds really tough. There is some brilliant advice on here- a post a few days ago from an unpronounceable poster with an excellent checklist- but first steps- is the gp involved??has your DM had a social services assessment? Occupational therapists can give loads of advice and provide useful aids. You cannot do everything- ask away for any questions as someone here will offer wisdom!

Thank you thesandwich. I really appreciate it (and esp the 🍫).
I'll look up the checklist, I think I saw it but was probably in a daze at the time.

The gp came out to look at DM and diagnosed a mild urine infection. It's complicated as I arrived only after the event but I think, having pieced the picture together, she somehow hit her head and possibly concussed herself slightly, as she's never fallen before. But now she's very, very bruised and sore and more importantly, her confidence is badly shaken. GP was good but didn't offer any other opinions on her safety at home etc. The best-case is that she'll improve massively and get back to her previous independence but I feel I have to anticipate that she won't.

I will ring the local Social Care people tomorrow but for now am seeing to all her needs, helping her on and off the loo (we have a commode), feeding her, washing, etc. It's just the longer-term picture that's terrifying me really.

You are welcome bias. Your DM may regain her strength , but it is a good ide to get plans and systems in place in case she doesn't or even short term. Our county council has a useful webpage and helpline with info, and age uk can give local advice and support.
Does your DM have a keysafe? And emergency personal alarm? Both really useful for confidence. But please ask as there are loads of voices of experience here.

Thanks again thesandwich. She does have a lifeline alarm. A keysafe is a very good idea. Her (extremely helpful) neighbour has a key but it would obviously be better if emergency services etc could access easily.

The whole complication is that I do have a nearby sibling (nearby to DM, I mean) who just isn't that involved or interested. Well, she is up to a point, but the burden is pretty much entirely on me. That has been brought painfully home to me over the last few days and I think that's why I'm finding this even more hard than it already is, iyswim.

to everyone coping in these situations, it's so very difficult.

Ahhhh... the ceremonial sibling.... golden child? Another common theme on here..... doesn't help things at all. Vent away- we hear you!

I know exactly what you're saying thesandwich but it's not quite like that - hard to explain really. I'm the one who 'escaped', moved away and had a glamorous career. DSis stayed locally, married a very demanding man and this is a large part of the problem. She now has a busy job, children and the aforementioned knob BIL, which together seem to absolve her of responsibility for DM in her mind. She never even thinks to ask me if it's OK that I put work on hold to come and see to DM's needs, or thanks me. She just accepts it as the status quo.

I don't think she doesn't care at all, but over the last few days I've been nursing DM pretty much round the clock in a state of near-total panic over what to do long-term, while DSis has managed a couple of reluctant visits and more or less shrugs in a 'I know, it's terrible, isn't it?’ sort of way when I try to talk to her about it.

Ah I get it. Hope you are getting somewhere- she may feel powerless to help or not know what to do. Do what you can but look after yourself too.

I thought I would pop back in. After 7 years of one thing after another - most of DCs teenage years, I have made the most of a relative plateau. It is astonishing how long it takes to recover from the constant adrenaline.

However I suspect it wont last for long. DM has a painful hip. The carer will take her for an X ray tomorrow. However her dementia will mean compliance with any treatment regime, whatever the diagnosis, is near impossible, so I don't know what happens next. She is on heavy pain killers at the moment which have sent her doolally. I feel a crisis coming on.

I have been filing old emails, which has brought home how aggressive DB has been to me over the years. As well as placing the burden on me he seems to need someone to blame. I had already decided not to waste energy worrying about how the burden fell. You can't change other people's behaviour and there was too much that needed to be done. In my new "stress minimisation" mode I will limit contact to short text updates on health issues. I used to want him to at least acknowledge what I had achieved, but I don't think I do any more. (And it was not gong to happen anyway!)

Manchester etc has also prompted us to think about Wills. Our affairs are straightforward, and assets can be shared 50:50 between DC. But what about DM. DM could live for another decade. DC are at University and cannot/should not take on the responsibility. I am thinking of attaching some sort of letter of wishes which would have DC consult and be advised by our very practical accountant who already handles DMs tax affairs. Has anyone else crossed this particular bridge?

Oh, NMS there is always something more isn't there?

My mum apparently has a cataract. Optician told dad that it could be done under local (he said straight out that he wouldn't have anything done to her under general), but I can't believe that she would tolerate that - she shrieked about the drops in her eye at the opticians..
Dads leg is still really bad - a 3" oozing sore. He can't tolerate the bandaging, and there doesn't seem to be any consistency in how they dress it.
And my brother is a tosser.

Sorry to hear so many of you are struggling with unhelpful siblings - it must make the journey even more difficult and lonely for you. I can not imagine how they can not at least acknowledge all your hard work and be grateful even if they are not prepared to contribute.
NMS are you asking for advice about handling your mother's affairs were you to die while she was still alive? I guess the helpful accountant may be the person most able to advise.

NMS I am really sorry to hear that. I haven't had to deal with that but I think if I had to I would look at appointing the Solicitor my Brother used to deal with her welfare and the accountant to deal with the monetary side of things.

CMOT, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents. Is the cataract interfering much with her vision and is it the one eye or is it in both? I think they do generally do them under a local but she would have to keep very still and agree with you that it is hard to imagine her coping.

for those with shit Brother's. Coming up for a year this week since Mum went, it's gone very very fast.

Mum has been complaining that she can't see, but she has previously said that and its not her sight, its that her brain doesn't process the information so its hard to tell.
If there were drops to be put in regularly afterwards, or she had to wear an eye patch, she wouldn't comply and dad couldn't put them in either. I guess we'll see what the GP says as if it was both eyes something might have to be done in order for her to stay at home longer as their house isn't visually impaired friendly!

Hello all
Sorry for latest health issues and shit siblings.
My mum is in Ireland at her brothers funeral...I spent last Friday running around trying to get a last minute flight on a bank holiday weekend
Managed to get her and my aunt last two seats out of Birmingham.
Sorted bus tickets for other end and lifts with my cousin.
Sorted euros.
She did manage a begrudging thank you 🙄
She really can't walk that far now. Refuses to use stick I bought. Refuses to consider scooter. So there we are.
Query over one of her meds so I've got the dr writing to the vascular surgeon to clarify.
My brother is, as ever, the golden child.
My sister (who sees mum once a week for an hour to take her shopping) is also a favoured one. "Well your sis works you know"
Um. Yeah. For the last 18 months. What about before that!?
Sigh.
Deep breath.
We had such a funny (in a sad way) convo before she left...
"Poor x...she is crippled with fibromyalgia you know"
"Yes mum, I do know. That's what I have"
😞🙄
I might type out mums meds etc and give a copy to each sibling...then if something happens whilst I'm away they have no excuse. What do you think?
Mum has suddenly realised both me and my brother are away the same week in July. She won't see much of my sister....I think it's hitting her how lonely she will be that week. Although she's not worried about me being away, but golden bollocks won't be around.

Sorry to hear of your parents woes Cmot...is it worth doing the cataract op? Sorry that sounds awful but you know what I mean...is it worth putting your poor mum through it?
Your dads legs sound like they are now a chronic rather than acute issues...should he be going to a different clinic?
Next month would have been my dads b day (and if course it's Father's Day) and then July is the anniversary. 4 years and it seems to be getting harder 😞
Half term is cold and grey. Dh and ds1 are away on a jolly and Ds2 and I are just mooching around. Some sun would be nice!
Love to all x

Badders, my mum and dad have a file which is kept by the front door, and has all of their medication details in, phone numbers for all relevant people, discharge letters, appointment letters and so on in it. It means anyone can pick it up and know exactly what is going on and who to contact. Really useful. But emailing something to all your sibs with meds, pharmacy, GP and so on would at least mean you shouldn't get as many calls. Or at least you can be snippy and tell them to RTFdocument

No, I don't think its worth doing the op tbh. I think theres lots of potential for it to go really, horribly wrong.

And dad might be better being seen elsewhere, but its a matter of transport and time tbh. He can barely walk 10m now, so only gets to the community hospital in their little town by going on his scooter and going right in on it. The next hospital is at least a 200m walk from disabled parking to the clinic rooms and even if he gets a volunteer driver not all of them will push a wheelchair . And of course he needs a carer to be with mum while this goes on.

The community hospital nurses have been talking about getting the tissue viability specialist in, so we'll see how that goes

Hello to all- sorry to hear of the challenges being tackled by you all. Cmot- that sounds so tough. The barriers to accessing help for you dad- and your DM. So complex and so tough.
Nms- I understand about the plateau and waiting for the decline- being almost on standby. I would echo the advice about involving an accountant and considering a solicitor too.... to handle the administering of wishes/ finance. Your db is only likely to get more difficult. Outsource. A friend was an executor for a friend of hers and the solicitor helped greatly with facilitating the tricky path in dealing with impossible family members...... futureproof.
Badders- so sorry your DM is so ungrateful and unaware of your pain. Protect yourself. Mirabelle- good to see you too.plus anyone I've missed.