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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
Badders123 · 29/04/2017 21:41

How is your dad btw?

CMOTDibbler · 29/04/2017 21:58

Still oozing Sad they just don't seem to be able to clear the infection - and it doesn't help that with all his other issues he has a lot of excess fluid in his legs.
On a brighter note, I have solved the problem of my mother being obsessed by sharpening pencils, but putting the pencil sharpener 'somewhere'. Dad reckons he has bought 50 or more - so now they have a clamped down table top one.

My poor colleague is just going through her mum being diagnosed with a very agressive brain tumour (life expectancy 6-9 months), and her mum being in hospital has shown how little ability her dad has. He can't make a sandwich independently even. So she's facing a possible dementia diagnosis for him at the same time

Badders123 · 29/04/2017 22:16

Oh dear 😞
Your poor friend! I think that one half of a partnership often masks the difficulties the other half may have...so sad.

MoreElderlyParentWoes · 30/04/2017 00:11

That is exactly what my mother does. She complains how lonely she is yet always has a reason why she can't do anything about it. I understand that her confidence has taken a knock, but it's very wearing even so.

Doobydoo · 05/05/2017 18:47

Hi all.Place marking at the mo. Teen ds doing A levels.10 year old ds home edded. Step mum and also a dad who may have warly signs of Alzheimers.....they live 8 miles away.Don't see them lots ......have a half sister who does. A mum who lives down south.... quite difficult relationship.She is now considering moving closer to us.Will check this thread out properly laterSmile

ZaZathecat · 05/05/2017 20:17

Hi all. Some of you know that my dm died in February. Strangely, one of the things I miss is the Elderly Parents board! I wanted to just talk about her a bit, When she first died I was sad of course, but there was also a large measure of relief that her troubles were over and I would have no more daily crises to deal with, Just lately though all the bad times are fading away and I just miss her so much, both the lovely mum she used to be and also the confused old lady who I had to help with everything, I'm regularly sobbing (when on my own) because some little thing reminds me of things I used to do with her. My dh and dc are lovely but I don't want to bring them down with me (dc are doing Alevels/GCSEs right now) and dh tries to cheer me up/make me laugh when sometimes I just want to cry - I guess it's a bit of self-indulgence.
Anyway, it's made me feel better to write it down, It looks like it's been quiet on here lately, I hope that means you're all coping ok,

CMOTDibbler · 05/05/2017 20:29

Zaza, its good to hear from you. I'm encouraged that the bad times are fading away as I worry that is all I'll remember.

Dad is driving me round the twist atm!

ZaZathecat · 05/05/2017 20:34

I do remember the feeling and I have to be honest, I wouldn't want to still be going through it. But my overriding feelings are just love and yearning for the mum I used to have.
What's your dad been up to?

Original poster
thesandwich · 05/05/2017 20:45

Hello Zaza so lovely to see you! I am so sorry to hear you are struggling- it is so hard to give yourself permission to grieve in amongst everything else- and GCSE's and a levels are double doses of stress. I completely get your feelings about what you miss about your mum- the grim bits for fil ( who died in January) have faded and I now remember more of him as he really was. It must be so much harder for you with your DM. So sorry. Do tell us about her if you would like to.
Cmot I am sorry to hear that your dad is driving you mad.

My DM is doing ok for 92- she has been having reflexology which really seems to have really have helped her somehow- she is still in pain but it has helped!
Hope everyone else is going ok.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 05/05/2017 20:53

Phoning me several times a day as he's forgotten when his parcels will be delivered, and every time we have to go through when Amazon says they will be delivered, he has to go on about why is it not the next day delivery, and repeat. I also get the same stories each time.
My heart sinks when the phone goes tbh, and he forgets that I'm actually trying to work during the day, so its hard to cut him off as he gets really anxious about it

Glad your DM is enjoying the reflexology Sandwich. Anything to help reduce pain is worth a go

whataboutbob · 05/05/2017 21:50

Hi everyone again- Zaza I know what you mean, the lederly thread sustained me over some very difficult years, and so I headed here and saw your post.
A similar thing is happening to me about Dad- the very difficult memories of the dementia years recede and I remember him as he was. Not always easy, but nearly always interesting and deep down a nice person. I lost my mum 22 years ago, and the bereavement with Dad is nothing like that. with mum it was sudden, she was young, I was shattered. With Dad there is relief, but also sadness for him that his last years were dominated by his disease . And the sobering realisation I now have no parents. DH is 54 and has both his parents and they don't have dementia! There's no fairness.

whataboutbob · 05/05/2017 21:52

Still thinking of you all on here and sending my best wishes. I remember that sinking feeling when the phone rings CMOT. It was Pavlovian after a while (heart racing, adrenaline spike).

ZaZathecat · 05/05/2017 23:56

Whataboutbob I still get that adrenalin spike and racing heart when the phone rings. It's just sales people now though so I'm training myself to leave it.

ZaZathecat · 05/05/2017 23:59

Sandwich, reflexology is a very pleasant feeling and I'm sure it does your mum good even just from the physical contact.

whataboutbob · 06/05/2017 16:10

Yes, and when Dad was alive I' d always rush to answer, and 5 times out of 10 it was cold callers. Because I answered I'd get more and more calls, it was a real problem. Now I seldom answer as I know there's no crisis coming down the line, and the nuisance calls have dwindled to a trickle.

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 17:02

Heading off soon for my monthly trip to my parent's. I'm taking some meals for their freezer and a stash for myself and a stash for dad, as mum can be quite controlling about food. There will be lots to sort out- passwords for email accounts, phone contracts, accessing everything on different devices... Mum can't really manage technology, but tends to blame the gadget rather than herself. I don't blame her, it does feel like magic! Anyway, she now has a smartphone, an iPad, a laptop with Windows10 (donated by my DS as theirs was operating on something ancient and unsupported), my dad's iPhone... The TV subscription which is something I know nothing about... And all of them are playing up apparently.

Sorry to hear they are struggling to sort out your Dad's legs, CMOT.

SuperDiaperBaby · 08/05/2017 19:33

Unmanned I hope that you are coping with all the practicalities and inevitable emotional swirl.
Pickle I empathise with you and your mother. I sometimes feel like an IT helpdesk - the frustration I experience after ages spent trying to solve a 'problem' only to discover it was caused by the user who has forgotten they made a change is indescribable! I am learning patience.

CMOTDibbler · 08/05/2017 19:38

At least thats one thing I don't have to deal with! Mine have an ancient telly, and the washing machine and microwave I obscured everything but the basic setting with duct tape so it was super easy.

Mum has lost her glasses. Who knows where they might be. She once put dads entire new stock of insulin in the chest freezer, and his wallet has ended up in the cupboard with the baking tins.

And dad has a big new ulcer...

SuperDiaperBaby · 08/05/2017 21:23

CMOT Hope you do not need to replace the appliances - always the low point. Your poor father, the thought of the ulcers make me wince. Not something we need to deal with.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 21:50

I know it's nothing to take lightly CMOT, but I really wonder what I will be like when I am older. I already find my belongings in odd places. To the point I wonder if DH is gaslighting me! I'm the classic glasses on my head, pencil behind my ear person. Can't find my keys because I have them in my hand. I think it's stress... Or peri menopause...

I offered to take DM some meals, sausage casserole perhaps, or pulled pork. So she's asked for lamb curry. I have no lamb joints, and no curry paste. So she's going to have to have curry made with random spices and lamb mince, and some pulled pork! YOU WILL ENJOY THE PULLED PORK...!

That's a good tip about the microwave, CMOT.
You clearly share my pain, baby!

picklemepopcorn · 11/05/2017 07:43

DM is stressing about how busy she is, how they have no time to go away, no time to do nice things, she can't fit in dad's reflexology appointment, the cancer nurse keeps 'badgering' them to come and see him etc.
Then she starts discussing the need to strip all the bedding in the spare room, swap it over for summer, sort the sheets, get new light weight curtains, get a new hose pipe fitted so she can reach a corner of the garden more easily... How they need new carpet and never get anything done to the house.

Sigh.

picklemepopcorn · 12/05/2017 16:19

Our NHS is wonderful, but...

Yesterday GP asked for dad to be admitted at 1.30pm to a nearby hospital. He ended up being sent an hour away at almost midnight.
Today, we were told at noon he could go home again, but just need a doctor to check his scan and ring the oncology before it closes at five. He's exhausted. It's coming up for 4.30, still here. He has to time his meds around meals, hasn't slept properly for days...

On the plus side, I've sorted out some tech issues for them, but at this rate won't be able to sort out their phone contracts...

Original poster
thesandwich · 12/05/2017 19:52

Oh pickle that sounds tough.
Cmot- so sorry to hear about your poor dad.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 13/05/2017 07:31

Ha! This tech expert was about to take the ear thermometer back to the shop because it wasn't working, when I eventually realised I hadn't taken the lid off... Doh. Tiring couple of days has taken its toll!

jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 15/05/2017 16:47

Hello, my DM is currently in hospital, after many years of muddling through we are on our way to finding out what is actually wrong with her, huge relief all round for us both.

The hospital are organising a care package, they are aware that I'm involved with keeping an eye on DM but now its ramped up as they are saying she's not safe to go back to her own home without a care package.

Just looking for advice really from others who have gone through this to give me an idea of what to expect.

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