Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

How are you, unmanned?

I'm exhausted after rage. My DM went out for a long day, it would take her at least three hours to get back. DF was supposed to go too, but wasn't well enough so she left him. Alone. From 7am until goodness knows when. He's only got a few months left, FFS.

Has anyone had any experience of one elderly parent failing to care for the other?

Hi, please can I join you? I'm 33, with 3 children, 11,9 and 6. Married to a HGV driver so on my own a lot, work 30 hours a week term time. DM had a large stroke in 2014, left her unable to speak, read/write, walk and fully incontinent. She developed post stroke epilepsy as a result and has big seizures resulting in hospital stays (she's terrified of hospitals 😥) add to that mix a broken shoulder after a fall, pneumonia, pressure sores and most recently a large pulmonary embolism, she's now not really eating anything apart from the nutrition shakes, (1per day) and sleeps a lot. She has carers 4 x a day, and lives at home with my dad (who is not in the best health himself, aged 75) I'm just looking for someone to understand how I might be feeling, we are a small family, just me and my DP. I try my best to help them but I feel useless xxx thank you for reading xx

to both pickle and pink. It's not easy.

Oh pickle that's tough- and welcome pink. Sorry you find yourself here but rant away. Lots of wisdom and support here.

I can only agree with thesandwich above - horrible to be here but amazing support

People here understand pink! Does she live nearby?
I'm going to have to ring the hospice tomorrow and say 'hypothetically, if we thought she'd become unable to look after him properly...what would happen?'

Good luck pickle. A good plan.

Good luck Pickle, they live about 10-15 miles away xx

Forgot. also meant for unmanned. I hope today has been better.

Rant alert! Apologies in advance!

This is really no fucking life for her! My beautiful strong independent mum now reduced to having me empty her catheter bag, help clean her as she now has to have pads as now bed bound. Unable to move without losing breath. Struggling to breathe at all times but particularly bad today. And totally aware and with it so is really frightened
It's a fucking joke - you wouldn't put an animal through this!
Then I feel bad for thinking all this. I keep calm for her to help her breathe steadier, talk her through the bad episodes all the while wishing it was over for her - makes me feel terrible

Unmanned 💐

No, it's it right. She is very lucky to have you x

Do rant here, unmanned. Stay calm for your mum. You know, mum's regulate their babies emotions? When they cuddle a crying baby, the breathing and heart rates match up. It actually teaches the babies body how to hormonally and physically regulate stress. Now you are doing it for her.

Unmanned never apologise. You are doing an amazing job. Sending you as required. And please get all he practical help you can.

Stages of grief are supposed to be: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

My experience, and my mother will probably have ten years of dependency, is that different emotions hit you at different points, often unexpectedly. At the moment I am accepting, but bouts of anger (seemingly irrational) and depression are very familiar.

Nothing needs to be logical. Here is the place to share, especially the more difficult emotions.

Ok you lot are making me cry!

Well nurse been out again now organising a driver for sedatives.... Can't believe how quick this has happened

Thinking of you. And your poor mum.

Sorry seem to be monopolising the thread at the moment! Nurse has said 7-10 days

I've nursed mum through this for over fifteen years and thought I would be ready for this.

It's the best for her now but by god it hurts so much more than I thought it would.

Also having to wrangle family dynamics - people suddenly calling to say they need to see her but who haven't bothered with her apart from a brief visit Xmas birthdays eye for their gifts

Mum doesn't realise yet how bad she is and doesn't really want to see anyone apart from myself and my two girls

Unmanned do not apologise for posting- many of us have used here through our darkest days and if it helps, splurge away.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with family s&@£ as well as your own feelings and your DM. Can you get someone to act as " gatekeeper" to keep ghouls at bay?
Sending you and rant away.

Family is so complicating... We're having a few issues with one sibling being controlling while taking no responsibility, not even answering messages or ringing to stay in touch.

At least your mum knows what she wants.

Well all a lot calmer today thank god. Mum slept well last night and is calm and chatty this morning thanks to the sedative driver.

My two DDs are being awesome but it feels so strange that they're supporting me instead of the other way round!

Was thinking of you and your mum this morning unmanned 💐
Good news she is brighter today

Took Mum to Drs and he has upped her meds again and wants to see her back in 4 weeks

Cardiology appt in 2 weeks...

Hope everyone else is ok - and happy st Patrick's day! 🇮🇪☘️🥃☕️

I've slept! My lovely eldest DD came to stay for the weekend so she "nan sat" which meant I could go home for the night. Slept 8 hours straight which is unheard of for me. Could be the helped!

Hope everyone else is ok this morning x

How lovely of your dd. So glad you could recharge.
Hope you are doing ok pickles and Badders - is life easier now you have stopped working?