Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

[Badders123]

She is just....such hard work :(
I find my mil far easier to be around.
My brother is the golden child and can do no wrong (even when losing jobs through drinking etc)
My sister has always been very selfish. She won't change.
Last year, on what would have been dads birthday, neither of them even phoned her.
I ended up taking her out for the day.
She was very upset by that, but nothing has changed.
My Dh is getting - understandably - quite annoyed by it.
But as I tell him...what can I do? Leave a frail lonely woman on her own? What sort of person would that make me? Yes, my siblings should do more, but I can't make them.
Sigh.
It's all such a bloody mess.

[bigTillyMint]

Just found this new thread!

Sorry to hear of so many tricky times, especially for those with non-helping siblings. I guess the plus side of being an only is that there is no-one else to complain about!

Badders, I know how you feel - I am so much more like my father was and have never really been on the same planet as DM. It makes being responsible for them difficult, but as I live 200 miles away, there was no possibility of me being her carer!

Jonty and Badders, I have no advice about how to step away, but you need to put yourself and your family first somehow and just help when and how you can. The guilty feeling is horrible, but carers/others are needed now

Re my DM, she continues to get more and more confused. Phone calls are gut-wrenching as she keeps going back to wishing she could just die despite trying to redirect the "chat" And it could go on for a very long time yet as she has no medical difficulties ATM

[ZaZathecat]

Hi BTM. I know how you feel re confusion getting worse and worse. On the previous thread we mentioned also the awful feeling when others report your parent's behaviour to you - it feels like it's all your fault and they are accusing you. I just had this with a carer calling me to say ' I'm at your mum's and there are ripped up tissues and paper everywhere'. Yes, it's what she does, she has dementia. I don't know what I'm meant to say or do about this. Every day I go over and try to keep things under control. Today I took the day off as dbro is seeing her this evening, and I'm punished with this guilt inducing phonecall and don't have any idea what to do.

[whataboutbob]

Really it's their job to deal with exactly that sort of thing, you knowing about it won't make a jot of difference, and you don't need to know as it's not a health and safety risk. Maybe you could raise this kind of occurrence with the agency manager, or just give the actual carer minimal feedback so they realise it's pointless telling you.

[CMOTDibbler]

Badders, you sound so tired and sad, but you really don't have to do this alone. Your mum can afford to have a scooter (transformed my dads life) and buy in help - she is just choosing not to. You can't wreck your own life and neglect your health (btw, if you have osa, treating that will make you feel amazing).

Jonty, how about doing your mums shopping online? And tell her you can't do every evening as you need to see your dc, so she needs the evening carers. Have you applied for attendance allowance for her? That helped my dad accept paying for care as it felt 'free'. And she can huff all she likes! Doesn't change that you are doing your very best. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

[ZaZathecat]

That's what I thought Bob, but being fairly new to the concept of having carers in this sort of thing throws me. I was a bit flummoxed and said something like 'yes I notice that a lot too, thanks for telling me'. I shouldn't have thanked her should I?! I worry about reporting stuff in case they get the hump and take it out on dm. This particular one has not turned up once and been several hours late on another occasion and I did report it but didn't complain too much for the same reason. I did ask for one other carer not to be sent again as dm was always upset after her visits.

[Badders123]

"Tired and sad"
Yep! That's me!
Scooter is a no go. I've tried. I did buy another walking stick that stays in my car - for when she "forgets" hers.
My sister went to see her on Sunday so thats something.
Mum is saying she wants to go to the Dr about arm pain - so I will have to take her. There is a local centre that will take you to appts for a small donation but she refuses to use it
I'm going to ask my sister to sort the new kitchen. I really think having to deal with that too would push me over the bloody edge 😲
Even when I text her to say I won't be popping in (for whatever reason) she will text back and say "could you just pop in for 2 mins and sort my bins/move the patio table/look at some paperwork....."
I'm not going tomorrow. I have too much to do at home before work.

[CMOTDibbler]

In the best MN tradition, remember that you can just say No. Or more likely 'I'll do that when I'm next with you' or 'do you have the number of the volunteer centre to take you?'
She has the right to not use services/devices, but she also doesn't have the right to run your life by making those choices.
Have you ever thought about getting some counselling? Others on here have found it really useful in picking apart their toxic past with their parent and how it affects them in their interaction now

[Badders123]

Omg
Counselling....if I started to let it all out I dont think I'd ever stop!! 😱
You are right, of course.
But....I find it very hard to day no. I have just sent a text saying I'm not going tomorrow. She will have seen my brother earlier as he would have picked up his dd after work.
I'm running on empty here...on the one hand she tells me she is worried about me...on the other it's always me she comes to/phones etc
At least now she can't walk far I don't get surprise visits anymore!!!

[whataboutbob]

I know what you mean Zaza I was just incredibly grateful that any carers were sticking it out with my Dad and my bro in their horrid house that I put up with a lot at first, then gradually put my foot down. What used to irk me were the bills they racked up on outings with Dad, contacting expensive tradesmen for maintenance jobs before clearing it with me etc. Anyway as time goes on i am sure it will get easier to spell out what your expectations are.

[whataboutbob]

Badders I'm putting in a word for counselling here. At the time I really didn;t want to but my uncle basically talked me into it. i had got to the point of being utterly overwhelmed, tearful, unable to concentrate at work, very short with my kids etc etc AND riddled with guilt. Counselling didn't sort it all out over a few weeks but it gave me valuable insights and tools for coping. I now do what I can to support both, then get out and park the worrying till the next visit and feel no guilt.

[bigTillyMint]

Gosh, I am in awe of how you have all managed to get carers who were able to contact tradesmen and do that sort of thing - I guess these are independent carers? I used an agency for DM and they didn't deal with money, just help/cleaning that she requested. Thankfully everything is taken care of by the home now.

CMOT's advice is spot-on. There is a limit to what you can do for parents yourself.

[thesandwich]

Evening all. I echo the wisdom of cmot- we have to protect ourselves especially if the history is difficult and counselling does help.
Boundaries are vital- susding out what we will do and won't. And the magic word no.
Also bear in mind we are role models for our children. All very easy to say and this forum is brilliant for voicing the unsayable and letting off steam.

[Badders123]

Thank you again for for the welcome and advice.
Ds1 is off school today poorly (must have what ds2 had on Monday!) so I haven't been to mums today
She is going to try and get a dr appt for tomorrow so I may have to take her unless ds1 is still off, then she will have to make other arrangements....I can't be in 2 places at once.
My sister has a lot on too (some of which is her own faukt tbh but my brother has no such excuses.
He works but his dd goes to her aunts EVERY weekend (and has done since she was a tiny baby...) and his pils have his dd at least once a week for a sleepover.
So that's 3 days a week he and my sil are child free.
Neither work weekends.
And yet...mum never sees them unless she looks after their dd.
Makes me so 😡
I am taking your comments on board...and I am going to try and pull back a bit.

[MirabelleTree]

The others are very wise Badders. I was fortunate sync had a lovely GP who told me to step back otherwise 'your children won't thank you for it'. DD got to the point when she was about 14 that she wanted to live in our kind of converted detached garage as life in our house was so stressful.

I got to the stage one day where I burst into tears and was just sobbing whilst hoovering on the landing and realised I was not in a good place and something had to change, Counselling helped me a lot, I was definitely ready for it and had the right Counsellor for me.

Worth mentioning again on this thread. A diagnosis of Dementia plus being in receipt of Attendance Allowance entitles people to council tax exemption.

[Nittyb]

I'm taking my mum & step dad to GP later today, mum has Parkinson's but just needs a diabetic check, step dad is 79 & has developed major memory problems over the last year that he either isn't aware of or won't acknowledge. I've written to GP with my concerns, made one appt for him they forgot to go to, so am taking them today ... Do I ask if I can go in with him ? Leave GP to handle it ? He thinks he's going for blood pressure check ... He really won't acknowledge there is anything wrong & I want to keep a good relationship so I can carry on supporting them, he is basically my mum's carer .. really worried about how they will manage in the future, just about ok now ...

[CMOTDibbler]

Nitty, I'd just cheerfully go in with your step dad. IME if you are there, HCPs will be happy for you to be there unless he outright objects.

I hope it goes as well as it can

[Badders123]

Good luck nitty

[bigTillyMint]

I went in with DM for the same reason, Nitty. You might want to get him to do a written agreement that they can share medical info with you too. What a tricky situation if he is your DM's carer

[Nittyb]

I didn't go in with them, so no idea what happens next, he is going back for a blood test, I guess that's standard to check for other stuff ? They didn't talk about appt and I only had time to drop them home, but I feel at least he's seen Dr now .. will have to try & go to any future appts , thank you for the hand holding !

[OldBeanbagz]

Posting for the first time as my DM is currently in hospital but is normally the main carer for my DF who has Parkinson's.

After 8 days i'm exhausted (driving 60 mile each day). I have barely seen my children/DH, am way behind with work (self employed) and am wondering if this is now my life

[thesandwich]

Morning all and sorry you had to join us Beanz. Sorry about your DM and Df.
What you are doing is unsustainable- who else can help/ support? Sounds like you are running on empty. Please ask for help- via gap/ social services/ private carers etc. Our county council have a careline contact number for advice etc.and find a bit of time to breathe because otherwise you will burn out. Take care and good luck.
Hope everyone else is ok.

[bigTillyMint]

Nitty, IIRC, when I took DM, the GP did a short memory test then referred her for a blood test. Following that were some other tests (can't remember what now, sorry!) and then referral to Memory Clinic when I had to go along for a full assessment and follow-up.

I agree Beanz - unsustainable. You need to try to get plans in place for support- council and Age Concern if no friends/family ATM?

[Nittyb]

That's reassuring to hear Tilliymint, I was just a bit confused by the blood test !

[bigTillyMint]

It's to rule out other medical stuff that could be affecting memory, IIRC!