Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Ciutadella, we had a solicitor change the title deeds on the property. It's good practice to have this on any title where the property is mortgage free as titles can be searched on land registry and then targeted for fraud in these cases (so my solicitor explained to me).

It's such a minor change that the fees are less than a couple of hundred pounds, which I think possibly includes land registry fees, although all solicitors will charge differently. Ours was included when we had the title rewritten into DMs name when DF passed away.

Have you used one to do PoA work, wills etc? They might be good people to ask for a quote.

Needmoresleep - it's unbelievable that it takes so much to understand the system and try to put the right things in place simply to have someone care for a relative isn't it.

I can imagine the impact the EU directive has on agencies and workers, I understand it's there to protect people but it's just not the best solution for the case in question is it.

You never know, it may change once we leave the EU but my guess is that where there is already a shortage of carers, we will soon be seeing a crisis.

Can I ask a question - you mentioned in a previous post about a business opportunity and I think you're right, but then you went on to say it should be not for profit. I wouldn't mind paying an agency to outsource this work, same as with nannies, and would object to the principle of a reasonable profit being taken in return for the service. Social care is means tested (in England) anyway so to me it would be part of the cost. What do you think?

*Wouldn't object

We're in the process of sorting out a Deed of a Trust with regards to MIL's property. Because we are paying off her equity release (more thieving bastards) in order to be able to rent it out to give her an income/ability to pay rent on a flat, as well as all the costs incurred in sorting the house out, paying her deposit and rent for her over the last few months, we've been advised to get one drawn up so that when, further down the line, the house passes to DH and his brother, or has to be sold to pay care home fees, the amount we've paid out (will be almost £50,000 between us) will be protected.

As part of this it's puts a restriction on the property, as we will effectively own a % of it. The total cost of the solicitors work is going to be about £500 so I imagine just doing a restriction won't be very expensive, subject to whatever the Land Registry charge.

Fruitbox, I don't mind paying.

However HMRC attempting to pull in more people who are casually employed, will impact a lot of non traditional employers. I think the advised threshold is about 12 hours a week. Easy to reach if the neighbour who started popping in to do a bit of cleaning, starts being asked to do shopping, morning and evening checks and that sort of thing. But that neighbour is often far better, and more acceptable to oldies, than random agency carers who run from job to job. Other examples will be the family who decide to top up social services provision with paid help of their own in part using the attendance allowance. Of the coaches at DDs sports club who often had other jobs but who were committed to the sport.

It would be useful to see a one stop shop that covers everything to do with being an employer for someone who never expected to be an employer. My guess is that if it is too complicated people will wing it and hope not to be caught, even if they are not natural tax avoiders.

The list is endless:

1. job advert and interview (important that it is not in any way discriminatory - so how do you handle, say, a request for regular prayer breaks, or health issues that might prevent someone carrying out duties, such as obesity?)

1. job description. I found a good template produced by a Council, which the lawyer was happy with.

1. DBS checks and other certificates. Here I am relying on the fact that the carer is also employed by an agency.

1. Right of residency checks. Not doing so is illegal.

1. Risk assessment and liability insurance. What happens if there is a fall? How heavy is the wheelchair if the carer needs to take their client for an urgent GP appointment. Is the car insured for work use?

1. Contract. This was surprisingly tricky and we went through a lot of iterations. Mainly European employee protection type stuff. I don't disagree with it, but its difficult when you are asking for flexibility and the carer is willing to give that flexibility. For example hours ramped up quickly in the few days after my mum left hospital and needed round the clock care.

1. Legal requirements like the need to have set breaks. This will an issue at a point where care is edging up to 24 hours.

1. Dispute resolution procedures and disciplinary.

1. Time sheets, and record keeping. Important should there ever be a dispute.

10. Payroll, PAYE and NI. Payslips are produced by an accountant, as it would not be worth my while buying the software. However it was really difficult to set everything up, get access codes, log into systems etc. Once done, its done though. But procedures and the systems you access are pretty much the same for a part time carer and a company employing a hundred people. Plus obviously the inevitable POA complication. I was chuffed though today to receive a letter titled "The Company Secretary, Mrs NMS'smum". My mum has become corporate.

11. Pensions. The new challenge. Despite the TV ads, the Pensions Regulator website has nothing to help sign post employers with a single employee.

I am sure there is more.

My mother is getting far better care from a known and selected carer than she did from an agency. And it is great for me that someone takes responsibility for the day to day things like fixing GPs appointments and getting her there, buying new clothes, and so on, that are so difficult to do from a distance.

That's an enormous list and makes our care agency fees feel very worthwhile, good for you for doing it and doing it so thoroughly. If this is genuinely what's expected of families though it's going to be impossible to achieve and you're right people will take short cuts and hope that things go unnoticed.

Personally I think you're also very lucky to have found someone you know and trust to employ. The reason we use the agency is because we wouldnt have any alternatives available to us if a carer was off sick, on holiday, had a family emergency (so far we've had four occasions where live in Carer's have cut short their booking to attend to a family emergency). My DM needs 24h care and none of us are nearby to step in and look after her, especially as my siblings and I all have preschool age children and babies

Fruitbox, it must be tough to do with young children. As well as your own emotions, you must feel your mother is missing out on the pleasure she would have gained from getting to know her grandchildren.

My father became ill about 8 years ago, and died when DD was in her first term of secondary. It has carried on ever since. But there have been silver linings in terms of DC being exposed to life duties and problems quite early, which I assume has helped prevent them from becoming self-centered teens.

They have been really good, both accepting the way the dementia presents given my mothers feisty nature, but also supporting me. But it is a pity that they have missed getting to know my parents properly.

I am lucky in that the carer has been working in the area for three decades or more, so has a large network of friends who can stand in. I also pay her slightly more than I would pay an agency. I had thought the agency cut was large. I now understand why.

Not been on here for a while as things have been pretty chaotic with my dad but this morning he's being discharged from hospital and is moving into a nursing home for a trial period. As he's now doubly incontinent and hasn't walked for 6 weeks (and his mobility was pretty limited before this latest stint in hospital) I can't see him being able to manage at home without live-in care which we think would be a worse option (and not much cheaper) than the extortionately expensive care home.

I'm feeling quite ambivalent about going to his flat this morning and packing up stuff he'll need...

The one good thing is that he's been diagnosed with pseudo-dementia - he's got the symptoms of 'normal' dementia (memory loss, cognitive impairment etc) but it doesn't have an organic cause, instead it's caused by depression. In theory the symptoms are reversible if the doctors can get a handle on his depression. His antidepressants have been changed and he does seem to be more with it than he has been for quite some time so fingers crossed!

Pseudo dementia sounds interesting, I'm going to look it up. DM has always had spells of dementia like behaviour when very stressed. Confused speech, memory etc.

I'm wrestling with DPs at the moment, still no real acceptance that DFs time is limited. DM is talking about 'when he drives again' and trying to keep his driving license. She's disappointed that he isn't getting any better yet. Well, he isn't going to.

In the meantime, we still don't have POAs done, or bills in her name etc. I need to sort out car insurance in her name, etc. Ho hum.

Sorted out the car insurance- minefield.
Some movement on POA and getting bills in her name. Long road ahead though.

Just place- marking to be back soon. I think about you lot on this thread often, but life if too busy with DM and dad living with me (and a ton of other issues) to keep up!

I was wondering how you are getting on. I can only imagine how pressured it is. I hope they find somewhere soon.

Just checking in- hope you are all managing the vaious challenges of elderlies, legal stuff, teen and tinies and a bit of self care where possible......
all calm here and probate through for fil so a bit more to sort out now. DM fairly stable which is good. Thinking of you all.

Lost you all for a bit.

Had a very awkward situation with MIL this afternoon. She started asking for her car keys and the pass card to the car park. When asked why by BIL she got very defensive and accused BIL and DH of being autocratic and trying to force her to give up her car.

She's in no fit state to drive - can barely walk - but after a long "discussion" where BIL and DH pointed out to her how dangerous she could potentially be on the road they actually gave in and handed over the keys with her promising not to drive "yet".

I'm so frustrated! DH justified it by saying he and BIL had retained the moral high ground and that if anything happens she will be the one in the wrong, but for crying out loud she could kill herself/someone else!

Unfortunately her GP signed her driving licence renewal a few months before her fall, so that's still got a good 18 months left on it.

Arrrgghhh!

Oh crikey cave! That's awful. Fortunately it was a community policeman who told mil she couldn't drive- is it possible to disconnect the battery/ tip off the local police? Moral high ground won't be much use if someone gets killed. So sorry.

Honestly a big part of me wants to say sod it, I've tried my hardest and I'm not going to be the nagging wife and build up resentment - I'm due to bloody well give birth to DC#2 in 5 weeks and could do without the stress!

But the other part of me knows I'll never forgive myself if something happens. I've suggested making her a GP appointment and talking to him first to explain our concerns and see if him having a word in a professional capacity would help.

DH thinks she might come round of her own accord, now that he and BIL have made their feelings apparent. I'm not holding my breath.

That,s terrible Cave, I'm so sorry! Have you tried telling DH you will never forgive him if she hurts someone as a result? That he should consider himself responsible for any damage she does?

There are so many things to worry about, fancy them letting her have the keys back! Is it a notifiable illness? Can you tell the DVLA?

I'm sad. My dad has taken a turn for the worse. I have a holiday booked in August, and think I'd better cancel it, but will probably really need a holiday round about then!! I'll talk to the doctors and hospice in the next few days and find out how they think things are going to progress. I want to spend all my time down there, but I have a job, other responsibilities. How do I know when to take the time? I don't want to miss any time with him when he is well, but my mum will need me more when he is poorly.

Oh popcorn I am sorry. It is so hard trying to plan of prepare for the unknown. Hope you get some more clarity this week. And please look after yourself

Thank you sandwich.

Well think we're on the final countdown here mum not well at weekend so district nurse out yesterday morning, oramorph increased, hospital bed arrived today, chc applied for, sedatives from just in case box now in use ..... Sitting watching her breathing when she dozes off

I'm sorry unmanned. That must be very hard.

I'm sorry unmanned. That must be very hard.

Sorry to hear that unmanned. If it is her time I hope her passing is peaceful

So very sorry unmanned. I hope you have plenty of support and I hope you know there is lots of support from here. and

Thank you all we've been here before with her illness many times but this time the nurses and gp have escalated things so quickly it worries me IYSWIM