Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Badders, I think she should have either
a - checked with MIL if they could do a different time/date first before agreeing with your sister to babysit
b - had MIL over whilst babysitting
c - said she couldn't babysit as she had MIL coming
But in any case, is she well enough to be watching her nephews given that you have had to give up work in order to be able to spend time meeting her needs?

And thanks for the bra suggestions - looks like M&S sports bras are the way to go!

Thanks Tilly
That's my view too
Wrt giving up work she is only one of the reasons - however after yesterday (she was in a vile mood generally as she always is when she doesn't see my brother or niece) I'm backing off
I will lie if I have to - I'm certainly not going with her to the dr on Friday

Useful info re bras- thank you! DM might get her first sports bra at 91
Badders- protect yourself. Strengthen those boundaries. You are not responsible for her happiness. Repeat.

I just found these zip front soft bras which might be more comfortable, and a better price too

Hello all. I lost the thread for a while but found you all again this morning! Just caught up. Sorry that so many of you have been having such a hard time. I've been ill - my body just gave up! So it was 2 weeks before I got back to see Dad in the nursing home. His nails were so neglected - broken, too long, and filthy! I've been doing them since he went in but clearly no one had even looked at them while I wasn't going. Really cross. Do those of you with family in care homes expect nails to be seen to? (This is fingernails - not even going to think about his toes!!)

Bowed, my DM has better nails than me! Definitely clean. Lots of the ladies there get their nails done weekly.
But maybe it's different for women?

Thanks Tilly. Maybe it is? Or maybe I've missed some interaction with staff that would have sorted this out!

No, my Dad had his nails done regularly and did not have talons.

I pay for a chiropodist to come in, but DM is in sheltered. She does several people in the same building, so it does not cost too much.

FFS just found out MIL has paid out £192 on an extended warranty for her tv. She only had her phone line connected on Tuesday and she paid this out on the Wednesday over the phone.

I'm sure it's legit but she didn't need it. Now got to go through the hoopla of trying to claim a refund. I said we needed to change her phone number but DH and BIL were concerned it would take too long so just switched her number to the new flat.

Oh Cave. It can be so hard to put your foot down, yet you probably need to, whether with your DH and BIL or with your MIL. It is unfair for you to have to pick up the pieces.

I am feeling much the same. Managing my mum's property portfolio is grinding me down. She is still ill and the combination of the POA admin, tenants and repairs, and four trips down within two weeks, is probably too much. I have emailed DB again to say I think we should sell one of the properties, and would like his agreement. The issue for me is that it forms part of his inheritance, so don't want to make a decision on his behalf that later proves to be a bad one. He has not replied, I assume because he continues to think that property is a good investment.

In the meantime I am all over the place, and have somehow managed to pay the carers PAYE to the wrong HMRC account, and only discovered when they fined me for non payment. Its mean because they never sent me payment instructions in the first place. I spent part of the weekend going round in circles on their uninformative website. (There is an Assistant who pops up who offers "assistance" only to give you a link the the unhelpful page you were already looking at.) I think I may have found a number for a real person. But another morning of admin and sorting things out. The mood I am in, when I actually get through to the real person, I might simply cry. I hope they are nice.

Oh Needmoresleep that's not fair. Hope you manage to get it sorted this morning.

There was a turn of events over the weekend that has made us think MIL might have actually been defrauded over this tv insurance. We looked up the company and did some digging only to find that the only company director is a Latvian car mechanic - wtf! The registered address is one of these places that has multiple companies registered to it (shell companies I think they are called?) and the paperwork that has arrived in the post looks dodgy - no terms and conditions, no mention of cooling off period, MIL's address incorrect, etc.

So she's either been conned (she says she doesn't remember a conversation with anyone about this, but it's possible it is something she took out a year ago and they've rolled it on) or someone has used her details fraudulently.

Either way we've now got to cancel her bank card in case it has been compromised, get the phone number changed (DH And BIL are now on board with this) and I've written a letter to the company requesting the payment back within 28 days or else we take it further.

Parents getting more and more frail. Dealing with really depressing things now such as pre-arranging funeral companies and places for ashes. Hard to believe that a few months ago everything was normal. The slide down the cliff face came so quickly.

Sorry that you are all having such a tough time in different ways.

Gosh, some of you are having such a tough time of it 😞
I hope you manage to get your mums money back - the bastards 😡
I'm so glad dads estate was so easy to sort out - I think having to deal with Hmrc aany more than absolutely necessary would send
Me over the edge 💐To you
Mum is ok. The same anyway.
We've all been ill again over half term 😷
I finish work on 28th
Feel oddly relieved
Lots going on in the next few weeks - dh away, hospital appts etc
Dh is at hospital tomorrow for an ent consult it's only taken me 10 years to make him get seen!
Mums cardiology appt has finally come through after the dr chased it up..
End of march 🤔 So it will have been 10 weeks since her heart attack 😳🙄😡
Hope the week is peaceful for you all

Hello all.

Oh lordy CaveMum, that's so fucking horrible. These people will rot in hell I hope.

Well, we are at the end of Mum's week in the carehome. Spoke to my cuz at various points, she packed her case twice to go home and the people there say they don't feel she really knows where she is. When he went to see her she was telling him that the place was being run by her (dead) brother and his mates. Hey ho. Upshot is, I don't think she will be coming home. Cuz has meeting with them today to ascertain exactly what they think her care needs are, and I guess it's going to be residential. Tbh, it will be a relief, at least we will know where she is, and that she is being looked after 24/7.

LittleHo- it's unbelievable how things escalate so quickly. I sometimes have to give my head a shake as I remember my Mum was driving and organising coach holidays into Europe for 50 odd people 18 mths ago, and now look at us.

to all.

So sorry vintage and cave. And much sympathy for everyone struggling with the admin etc too- so many thankless tasks.
So db's have wafted in and out so it's down to me for the next x weeks- ok ATM as ( fingers crossed) all is calmish with DM but I am dreading what happens when things unravel as they will.
Dementia is awful- and folk who exploit the vulnerable are deplorable.

So sorry to read that so many of you are having such a tough time.

I've just driven home from my mother's in tears. Because I said something that wasn't entirely adulatory about my sibling (the golden one), she spent the whole day attacking me, telling me how awful it is that I am "always" saying "nasty things" about my sibling. I usually let her unpleasant rants wash over me, but this time I did try to state my view calmly and suggested that not being wholly accepting was not the same as saying "nasty things", and if I was (very mildly) critical it was because of my experience of sibling's unkind and selfish words and deeds. That didn't go down well, either. Ironically, or not, this diatribe came at the same time as my mother suggesting that a relative was "too thick" to go to university.

Sorry to vent, but am feeling very dejected.

and all round

Ah yes.
Golden child syndrome.
Sigh.
I just don't comment anymore. If she thought my sister would ever speak to her again she would leave everything to the golden child my brother
However, if she did, my sister would go mad and prob never speak to her again (not that she sees her much now....)
I try and let it wash over me...it's hard though.
I nearly asked mum why she wanted me to be PoA and not golden bollocks but then I realised that, actually, she may love him the most, but she doesn't trust him.
How very very sad 😞

So much there that I recognise, badders, sadly! I generally let it wash over me too, but what she said today was so ridiculous that I offered a very mild opinion. I guess my mother's hectoring smarted so much because I very seldom say anything at all about my sibling and yet my mother is constantly making jibes about me, my husband and other family members. TBH, as an amateur psychologist, I think I hit a nerve because she knows that my sibling can be very self-centred and thoughtless but cannot admit this to herself.

And, yes, it is sad.

Definately.
In her more honest (upset?) moments my mother does admit my siblings are rubbish...
She was very upset a couple of years ago in my dad's anniversary neither of them even phoned her.
So...she knows, but I suppose she is proud and doesn't want to admit it.
It's only in her most vulnerable moments she lets the guard down.
I try and keep things quite insubstantial now...we talk about the weather, local gossip, tv etc
In many ways I'm closer to my mil than my mum.

Yes, I usually try to keep the conversation to what's flowering in the garden. I don't have a MIL and nobody, really, with whom I can discuss my difficulties in coping with my mother. Thank you for listening.

Always glad to lend an ear 💐