Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

I have just read every one of your posts on this thread op

You are quite inspiring
You seemed in the very darkest place post Christmas 2021
And now you seem so much more in control ans brighter
You have done so well

@thesootherfairy what an amazing thing, to be so brave! I cannot believe anyone could endure a spouse with you at the dietitian; you must be super human! Well done ☺️

My husband, I think, would say I was anorexic as a teen, maybe into my early 20s and he sees sparks of it. It's my reaction to an unexpected takeaway. A flat out refusal to eat something, then when he starts on his I want to taste some... His food always tastes better than mine. 🤣 When I lose weight he won't say anything. I'm getting better at articulating my frustrations instead of taking it out on my body.

What I am getting good at is talking honestly about my eating disorder and how I might fail without help. So lunchtimes I'm on duty I have a free period afterwards (teacher). What I don't know is, how long this will go on for? Will I need help forever? Part of my restriction is procrastination. I think this habit is so deeply ingrained that I cannot imagine not putting off eating food. I like to see how long I can go for! So I have a free period so I can't use teaching as an excuse to not eat. But will this be forever?

Is it normal to have become honest about having an eating disorder? I am so bored of it and I feel viscous towards that part of me! It's like I want to reveal it to conquer it.

I am pretty good at eating full fat dairy, meat and some carbs. But I can't see a way out of this whole thing. How long will it last? I am on the lower end of a normal BMI - I don't really want to have to get bigger (I don't weigh myself. I was weighed at the Dr in May. I 'measure' myself in my clothes and if I can see my ribs and hip bones.)

I hoped some of you may share your experiences of my questions. I hope nothing I've said has been inappropriate.

I feel in a very good place
It’s been building
Not sure why
Eating well
Happy
Putting on weight
Perhaps it really is true

With age comes wisdom!

Here’s hoping!!

@CousinLucy I will give you my answers your questions later.
You sound lovely

@lentilsforever I am 43! I feel wiser. I have noticed that when I am 64-65 kilos I'm super happy and doing great. So maybe, for you, you have hit your happier weight?

But I can't get to that weight again. As a younger woman that was my weight at 30 weeks pregnant so now I have it stuck in my head that now I'm without a foetus I can't weigh that, which I did post first lockdown in July 2020. And I was happier.

@TheOrigRights I look forward to your answers when you get the time!

Sometimes I need to TALK but although I am better at being honest and asking for an adjustment to help me, I feel like I need to hash things out and ask you. If anyone else can talk about my questions too I would be very grateful.

Yes
I think weight restoration is important

I’m very tall (6 foot) and so I struggled with the weight that I should be

I’ve come to peace with that

Admission would be mood related and because of episodes of self harm.

I am desperate to get into a proper regular eating pattern but I just can't seem to manage it.

@CousinLucy I think honesty about it is a good sign for recovery. When the ED is sneaky and in hiding it's harder to beat. How long will it go on for? I have no idea, I ask myself that a lot at the moment. I hope not forever. Do you have any support from health care professionals?

Kind of. I was referred in my 20s but this time it's been nursing staff at my surgery and a private therapist. I didn't want to be referred to the Eating Disorders Service as I know what to do, I just have to actually do it! Also I felt fraudulent because my weight has been OK and I thought I could keep it there. I mostly have. I know that's wrong really but I haven't had so many thoughts of self hatred, just procrastination and not wanting to eat because I don't like feeling full. And a bit of feeling like I don't deserve it. Also I am scared of weight gain. And I know my perception is wrong; I can't be fat but yet I feel it. Actually I need to stop typing because I sound like I should be referred 🙄 Professional help kind of kicked in because my ferritin was so low, and my haemoglobin low-ish and my hair was falling out. And I usually have to be asleep before 9.30 otherwise I literally can't survive a day of teaching plus meal planning for my family plus all the clubs my sons do, plus everything we all do just to live.

I was thinking like you @Rustnot about honesty. Maybe if I'm honest the anorexia can't hide. Does that sound mental?! I don't just talk to anyone, but I told my line manager at work after that second, dreadful lockdown that sent my wellbeing spiralling, who told the headteacher, so I've been honest and open and it's helped me. But I can't have 'reasonable adjustments' forever, right? Also, what do people think of you when you have eating issues and are a recovered anorexic? I really hope they see me how they always would? I worry about that.

I feel like I'm overly anxious and I haven't grown as a person. I don't feel like a proper 40- odd year old. It makes my thought processes childish. I want it all to stop, and in my lowest moments about four months ago I did understand, with some clarity, how anorexia and suicide are linked. It would just all stop if my brain did.

CousinLucy I haven't forgotten you! You've actually made me think about things quite deeply, which is good.
I will respond soon.

@TheOrigRights thank you! I appreciate being remembered ☺️

@CousinLucy

Kind of. I was referred in my 20s but this time it's been nursing staff at my surgery and a private therapist. I didn't want to be referred to the Eating Disorders Service as I know what to do, I just have to actually do it! Also I felt fraudulent because my weight has been OK and I thought I could keep it there. I mostly have. I know that's wrong really but I haven't had so many thoughts of self hatred, just procrastination and not wanting to eat because I don't like feeling full. And a bit of feeling like I don't deserve it. Also I am scared of weight gain. And I know my perception is wrong; I can't be fat but yet I feel it. Actually I need to stop typing because I sound like I should be referred 🙄 Professional help kind of kicked in because my ferritin was so low, and my haemoglobin low-ish and my hair was falling out. And I usually have to be asleep before 9.30 otherwise I literally can't survive a day of teaching plus meal planning for my family plus all the clubs my sons do, plus everything we all do just to live.

I was thinking like you @Rustnot about honesty. Maybe if I'm honest the anorexia can't hide. Does that sound mental?! I don't just talk to anyone, but I told my line manager at work after that second, dreadful lockdown that sent my wellbeing spiralling, who told the headteacher, so I've been honest and open and it's helped me. But I can't have 'reasonable adjustments' forever, right? Also, what do people think of you when you have eating issues and are a recovered anorexic? I really hope they see me how they always would? I worry about that.

I feel like I'm overly anxious and I haven't grown as a person. I don't feel like a proper 40- odd year old. It makes my thought processes childish. I want it all to stop, and in my lowest moments about four months ago I did understand, with some clarity, how anorexia and suicide are linked. It would just all stop if my brain did.

You can have reasonable adjustments forever. People with disabilities have exactly that and long term mental health problems are considered as disabilities.

*What I don't know is, how long this will go on for? Will I need help forever? Part of my restriction is procrastination. I think this habit is so deeply ingrained that I cannot imagine not putting off eating food. I like to see how long I can go for! So I have a free period so I can't use teaching as an excuse to not eat. But will this be forever?

Is it normal to have become honest about having an eating disorder? I am so bored of it and I feel viscous towards that part of me! It's like I want to reveal it to conquer it.*

Here I am.
I'm obviously not a professional, but I have had an ED for a long time and I think have learnt a lot about them (and mine).

Honestly, I don't anyone with an ED ever fully recovers mentally (and sadly many don't recover physically either, short or long term). I think we are vulnerable to slipping back to the place we know and that we feel can control. That said, I firmly believe that we can recover enough to lead full and happy lives, and the more time passes it becomes easier to tell the demons to fuck off, so that in time we learn more healthy coping mechanisms.
I remember feeling so depressed when my dietician said that accepting this would be my life was OK; that I could make that choice.

As to whether it's normal to be honest about it.....who knows! I would say it's unusual, EDs brings out deception, secrecy, shame and denial.
BUT in therapy when you do have to be honest and you see the world does not implode and the therapist doesn't throw you out for being a sad attempt at being a human, it can be really empowering.

I think there are many, many of us who teeter on the edge and know that people think we are 'odd' around food, but just accept it. I admit that I like that. They just let me be.

I have been honest with very, very few people (outside of professionals), and when I think about it, with a few friends it was a preemptive step to being challenged. It was better for me to say to them that I was getting help for my ED ie back off. The only person who openly asked me was my oldest friend and is a GP. She was and is great.

You really made me think. I hope I haven't said anything upsetting.

@TheOrigRights not upsetting, but I've had a lot to mull over. Thank you for such a thoughtful post. I also heard this recently: lapses not relapses. That helps remind me that everything is temporary; nothing is permanent.

Why would anyone want to invite the demons back in? Do you ever want them to truly fuck off? Because they do seem to help in some way, when work is really tough, or when the world is completely chaotic (I really struggled last January when the country suddenly decided to lockdown again) I think that's why I've been honest with a few people. For me it's a coping strategy of protecting myself from the demons and chaos. I don't really talk to them about it specifically, but I eat my lunch with them and one friend is pretty good for sounding off to.

One thing I'm finding hugely helpful is positive affirmations. Lots of pretty pictures and mottos on Instagram.

Another thing is, if no one really minds me saying it (I really don't mean to offend anyone) is that one saving grace I think about myself is that I "don't look anorexic". I am a size 8 and whilst petite, I'm not starved looking. However, looking for positivity on Instagram has led me to a number of girls and women who say they have been diagnosed with anorexia but really do look well. In the 1990s when my BMI was 16 the Dr told my mother I couldn't access any treatment because my BMI wasn't 11.5. So from then on my 'eating disorder' was just that; something to put inverted commas around! So as an adult I have received CBT and lots of therapy, but it's interesting to me, and wonderful in a way, that the goal posts for diagnosis have changed. But that makes me feel insecure because I thought, like I said, my saving grace was that I don't look underweight. It's a lot to try and understand - maybe I thought I was doing better than I actually was. 🤷‍♀️

How's everyone doing as we head into the tricky Xmas period?

I'm doing OK. My most unhealthy ED behaviours are very much reduced, and this is then followed by better sleep, better exercise performance and thus feeling better overall.

My ED thoughts are pervasive, but I am learning to sit with them.

The ED mindset is strong, but I acknowledge them and accept them for what they are at the moment. I know if I met an ED professional they'd tell me the disorder is very much there.

But I know I am going in the right direction. I have been tapering off my ADs since Aug and that's gone well.
I can see the old me returning, and in the last 6 months I've felt optimism and excitement about things. It's just over 6 years since my divorce and with hindsight I can see just how mucked up I was.

I'm in a weird place. Had a MHA assessment a few weeks ago but wasn't sectioned (thank goodness). Medication was increased and my mood is much better. I am still really struggling to get a handle on the ED. I am trying to follow a 3x3 meal plan but I am just so hungry all the time. I feel like the more I eat the more I want to eat and I am finding it almost impossible not to spiral. I have been purging so much I've had some 'urgent' bloods done. Doesn't seem urgent because it took a while for them to get arranged but my blood pressure is often quite low and I am get tingly and numb in my hands and feet. I don't really know how to manage this phase where I'm just so hungry. I've read about extreme hunger but the only thing to do seems to be to give into it and I just really feel like I can't!

Just a quick reply - I think you do need to follow your hunger and trust that things will settle when your body is more healthy.

Hello everyone & @TheOrigRights

@TheOrigRights it's really nice to hear how much better you're doing. That's fantastic and that you're coming off the medication. Brilliant news.

@Rustnot glad you're doing better with improved medication. That's good news.

I've been making progress with regular eating and being a healthy weight now.

Long long way to go but it's progress.
Still struggle with health issues and side effects. Now my body has become used to regular eating, if I skip a snack or a meal or even eat later than normal, I end up with ice cold hands and feet, feel dizzy and sick and not good at all.

My dietician has written to my GP and I am having blood test after Christmas to check on a few things.

Hopefully it's all fine and I'm just suffering the side effects of anorexia and the physical issues that go along with it.

Dietician thinks it will pass over time and it's because for such a long time I didn't eat much or frequently and now that I've essentially been eating to a clock or time table, my body has clung onto this and I'll need to do this for a long time to adjust.

@Rustnot. I think this is the key, literally eat your meals and snacks to a time table. This was what my dietician wanted me to do and got me
Started on quickly.

At the beginning of this within a few weeks, I was so so hungry all the time and could have eaten 10x the amount.

I did eat more with meals and snack but didn't deviate from the scheduled times of eating if you see what I mean.

Dietician said the regular pattern would help my body to expect food and then the extreme hunger would eventually subside.

I think if you stick with it you will find the same. Might take a long while or a short while but I think it will happen.

Dietician also said to eat what you really want.

At first I imagined I would end up eating cake all the time and stuffing my face in an uncontrolled way.
But this didn't happen at all. I very quickly wanted to eat normal things ie for the time of day etc.

Dietician also said not to worry too much about variety. I've struggled with breakfast and still do. I had a full scale panic attack the first time she had me eat it. I've not eaten it in years and years and years. It's been a major sticking point.

So all I could manage was the same thing over and over again at breakfast but at least it was breakfast. Still not ready to branch out there but that's ok for now.

I think sticking to the time table is important.

I don't purge so can't really make any helpful suggestions as to how to tackle that. Hopefully someone else will come along.

Hope you all
Have a lovely
Christmas. It's been a rough year for us all on this thread. Here's to a better one next year.

Hi everyone, I wondered if I could join you all?

I think I've been battling an ED since covid started, when I read about how being fatter could make you suffer more with it.

I was never into any of it before but started following weight loss threads on here and found out about things like calories for the first time, and really went for it.

These days I calorie count religiously and struggle badly when I can't exercise (which I can't right now as I'm anaemic). I'm at a healthy weight again around 18.5 bmi but am struggling as I feel like I'm physically way too big and need to lose more. I view fat with real disgust, which isn't something I ever used to do (and I know it isn't a nice way to "view" other people either).

Just not sure how to stop it all really and worried about the next few days especially with everyone pushing food so much.

How has everyone managed over Xmas? I have oddly found eating with people helpful and managed a week with no purging, but my weight is the highest its been in over a year and I am freaking out. I am so incredibly bloated, I know a lot of it is water retention but it feels terrible. I am trying to tell myself I just need to keep giving my body what it needs and eventually the bloating will subside.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

Hi all,

I have suffered from anorexia to varying severity for 20 years.

I recently started OLD and have met someone I really like and, surprisingly, really seems to like me.

Anyone started a new relationship as a more mature adult (40) with anorexia?

Hello
I'd love to join your thread although it's a sad thing we have in common. I am sorry for all your struggles.
I have a DD11, am single and have had severe enduring anorexia, first diagnosed at 16 (now age 40) It's been unrelenting but for 20 years I have been mostly low and stable. I am a 'professional' working in a demanding full time job but it's physically and mentally draining. I have suffered dysthymia since age 12 and for me this this means functioning in the way an adult is 'supposed' to but without any joy, waiting for night just to wait for morning.
I am not in crisis but it is like purgatory.
Xx

Hello everyone and welcome to @nutmegx @Excitedforthefuture
Sorry your find yourselves here with us.

@Rustnot. Managed ok over Xmas. My mood wasn't great. Therapy is hard and has been getting harder.
Perhaps that means I'm making progress.

I've changed psychiatrist. I have an appointment with the new one in two weeks or so. Hopefully this will be better.

I am having another go at ADs because my depression is so bad. I could barely function in December.

I'm rubbish with meds and need only tiny amounts. So am cutting vortioxetine 5mg tablets into 3rds and taking a third a day. This is helping.
I am supposed to up the dose until I get to 5mg but even the 1/3 has taken time to stabilise.

And of course taking an AD is making me worry about weight gain. Technically v v close to weight restored. So going through a lot of body image issues just now.

How are the rest of you getting along?

Hello
@thesootherfairy thank you for the welcome. How are you all?

I am struggling so much with low mood and feeling dissociation. In my job (teacher) I 'act' the day away, sometimes wondering "is this me?" Evenings and weekends are jobs and helping DD with homework, clubs. If I have any 'me time' I don't want to do anything. Does anyone relate to no pleasure or interest in anything, that life is simply an endurance event?? I've been on SSRIs for 25+ years and am told no antidepressant will work at my weight and too low for any of the radical trials.

Despite v low weight I have periods and my weight fluctuates hugely during my cycle, as does my mood. Currently at a v high point for me

How I would like the anorexia to disappear to take away that part of the misery.

Sorry for a very self indulgent and negative post.

Take care

@nutmegx Sending love. That sounds so hard. I have had times when life felt like an endurance event, because with anorexia, that's exactly what it is - it puts such a strain on your body and brain. This is why I don't like to use fight/battle imagery when I talk about recovery. Many of us need to learn to stop treating every day as a battle and to accept it as simply a unit of time. Time to listen to yourself, time to look after yourself as best you can, not something to succeed or fail at. I hope things get a little brighter for you. xx

Thank you for your reply @ugifletzet. Where are you in your illness/recovery? X