Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

@Reallyimeanreally2022 yes. I lost my friends a long time ago. It's difficult being an adult and making new friends. I have a very small handful now, and that's an exaggeration really. I'm so use to just having to take care of myself it's hard to let anyone in. I am making more of an effort these days but I simply don't have the energy to waste on people. I can manage being low on friends most of the time but i've also never really repaired my relationship with my family who I pushed away decades ago. That hurts the most. We have a fake relationship but they don't know me. I didn't mean to write so a lonely sad post. Sorry. My ED is responsible for so much more than just a low body weight.

I've just spent the last couple of hours reading this thread.
I've had anorexia for 20 years (amongst other mental health conditions)

I've been fortunate to have 2 lots of 12 month courses of cbt-e on the NHS, even jumping the wait list for the latest round (and even has the same therapist). I realise how privileged I am not have not been dismissed at any point by any health professionals, to have been given a diagnosis and to have been offered treatment so swiftly.

I am no where near recovered and I'm pretty much resigned to the fact I may never be. My bmi dropped to 14 last year, I nearly died. I am managing to maintain a bmi of 16 currently though this dropped from 17.5 over the summer.

I don't know what comes next. Im also under a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist and have a care coordinator.

My team want to see if I can 'cope' in the community before looking at further treatment.
My GP (who has gone above and beyond for me in all aspects of my m/h treatment) looking at referrals elsewhere as he sees how close I am to relapsing fully again.

It's been insightful reading others experiences and makes me feel incredibly lucky to have such an incredible team behind me.

Hello @UninspiredUsername1 welcome

Sorry you're still suffering. You're fortunate to have had treatment. It's probably why you're still alive.
If you're close to relapse you need to fight hard to win.

I've had another two appointments with the dietician. It's very hard work. Tough to work through.

I'm finally at the stage of having three meals and one snack. Working up to the second snack. It's taken a while to get here.

I'm also working on portion sizes and what to eat. So hard when the anorexia is screaming and yelling. And my body is screaming for food constantly.
Now I'm eating more, I'm so hungry all the time.
Also feel very emotional.
I have various physical effects from eating more. This is hard to cope with too. I find that when I'm getting close to mealtimes, I really need food (didnt seem to when I wasn't eating) and I feel shaky, icy hands and feet, slightly dizzy and nauseous which all improves on eating my meal.
Also have bloating and tummy ache a lot.
Therapy is moving forward too. But such a long way to go still.

I want a full recovery. No half life, no part recovery. Full recovery.
I don't want to have anorexia. I want to be one of those who survived and recovered.
Just putting it out there.
If my treatment team thinks I can, then I should.
Anyone else want full recovery?

Ps @UninspiredUsername1 more than 30 years of ED here. I've never had treatment before.
I had to put up a fight to get treatment and now I'm putting up a fight to recover.

I want full recovery but I've been stuck in limbo for so long I don't know if its possible. I'm not sure I know how to be fully recovered. My disordered eating... thoughts about food and the unspoken rules I live my life by are so deeply embedded.

Welcome @UninspiredUsername1 Your Gp sounds great. How do you feel about coping in the community?

@thesootherfairy every step forward counts no matter how little.

@mrsdiddlydoo
I've managed to open up to the dietician about all the ED rules and the food thoughts and how this is happening in my head and what my disordered thinking is like.

That's been such a massive step. I've never spoken to anyone about this before. It's been liberating to say it and to be able to sit and look at it with someone.

It has helped me get to a meal plan and move forward.

In turn it has also identified psychological themes that drive my ED which I am now able to take to the therapist and discuss with her. So it's all coming together.
At least I hope so. I've never met a dietician before but it has been a game changer for me.
She is a specialist dietician and she's excellent. She also specialises in adults which helps. Private btw.

@UninspiredUsername1 welcome to the thread. It sounds like you have had a really tough time, I hope there is something that helps you to move forward soon.

@mrsdiddlydoo sorry if I have forgotten but what support have you got at the moment?

@thesootherfairy I'm glad you have made some progress after the struggle that it was to get to this point.

I am at a complete crossroads at present, both the ED and my mood have become so much worse recently. I have been back to A and E a couple of times since I last posted having self harmed again. My care coordinator is organising a professionals meeting this week to plan for next steps. There has been talk of a voluntary hospital admission, not to an ED unit just a standard pysch ward, but I really don't want to be back in hospital. I have been told I may not have a choice and it might be decided to do a MHA. I would rather be under the crisis team and try adjusting my meds as an alternative in the first instance. I'm hoping that's possible. It would be the least restrictive option and I'm hoping a change in meds would be considered before an admission because I do take my meds when I'm supposed to. We shall see.

Hi @Rustnot sorry to hear about the A&E trips.
Are you having therapy for this issue as in separate to ED therapy??

Therapy is tough. It's a lot of work. After having such a fight and battle to even get therapy, I'm determined to make the most of it.
I too feel so lucky to have therapy after the disaster of the last year.

It's very hard to work full time, look after DC and have all this therapy.
In an ideal world I wouldn't work but I'm self employed and the kind of self employed who employs others which means time off isn't an option.

It also means I have too many people relying on me to be able to afford being off sick so I'll have to fight hard to get well.
@Rustnot I wish there was something I could suggest to help with the self harm. Does it get worse when the ED gets better or is it the other way around?
Don't know anything about self harm so I'm not a lot of use here.
@TheOrigRights how are you doing?
Any better?

I'm actually happy I've "met" you all. You've all made me feel a little less alone while I've been in a very dark place this last year.
Thanks for letting me come here to rant and rave.

@thesootherfairy you are making progress. Its really good. Its rubbish its taken this long and having to go private but it will be worth it.

@Rustnot no official support. Just me. Dh occasionally. One of my children is a v picky eater and I'm struggling with the constant need to buy food and feed the kids on top of keeping myself going. I developed anorexia as a young teen and spent my teens in and out of hospital. It's becoming a parent that has made me realise how much of my life the ED has been in control. I've never recovered. It's taken me reaching my 40s to finally realise or acknowledge that. I've really struggled with depression and anxiety for the last 4 years or so which I've just put down to parental burnout but it's all related to the ED. It's exhausting. Life. I have opened up more to my gp lately and he says I should get counselling but my attempts to make it happen don't get far. I'm really sorry to hear things you aren't in a good place at the moment. Do you think there is anything in particular that has made your mood and ED worse lately? I feel like I was doing OK in my own weird way and then the pandemic hit and its basically been a huge spiral down and then after a bit of a breakdown and going back on AD again a battle to stay afloat. Sometimes I'm bobbing about ok, haven't made it to dry land but then a huge set of waves flatten me again and I have to start again.

Hope everyone else is OK.

Thanks for the supportive comments everyone. I'm only having therapy for the ED at the moment but it is starting to look at the root causes. I just don't know if what they can offer me will be long enough to really beat this.

@thesootherfairy would you mind posting some of the meal plans that you follow?

@mrsdiddlydoo it must be really hard without any formal support. What did you try in terms of getting counselling?

@Rustnot
At the moment it's a food pyramid of which I need a certain amount of each section each meal.

Dietician was focused on helping me eat more protein as I wasn't eating enough.

It's 3 meals and two snacks. I'm managing 3 meals and 1 snack reliably but 2nd snack is still random.

For breakfast i usually have 1 x gluten free toast with 2
X table spoons peanut butter and milky coffee

Morning snack is full fat yogurt (half of a big pot) or 20 almonds.

Lunch is usually 1 gluten free bread with avocado and 50g of cheese.

Afternoon snack when I manage is banana. Although dietician would prefer that to be more protein based.

Dinner is a family meal so this could be anything from roast chicken to toad in the hole. Anything really.

I'm not being particularly varied during the day just now.
Before treatment I was only eating in the evening with DH and DC to appear normal. So for now the effort is being concentrated on regular meals of a normal size/amount with 1/3 protein, 1/3 healthy carb (veg), 1/3 healthy fat
It is so my body and mind learn to expect food regularly and I get into the habit of eating regularly.

The concentration on getting a well nourished base set up is because I suffer from an autoimmune mediated condition (hence gluten free) and eating Well is really important. So starting off well apparently is important.

Besides I'm not underweight really so I only need a small amount of weight gain.

Dietician has asked that I start thinking about varieties. Mostly lunch and snack.

Breakfast is a sticking point because I've not eaten breakfast in years and it's a very big part of what keeps me stuck in anorexia. So if it means eating 1 x toast with peanut butter for a long time to crack this before adding variety then this is a good start.

This os a lot of food for me and I've put on weight over the last 6 weeks.
I found starting to eat breakfast terrifying. It was so hard.
It's still hard. Doing better with lunch. Again not keen on changing to include any other food just now. Too scary.

I sound pathetic, don't I.

I think I have picked up another (my 4th) stress fracture, this time in my tibia.
It's things like this which bring home how my choices (and genetics as well) effect my life.
I did have a bone scan after my 3rd one, to check for early osteoporosis. That came back OK - low but not too low.

I just cannot make sense of why I 'choose' (?) to do something (ED) which means I can't do something I love so much (running), or why the motivation to be a great runner isn't enough.

I can still swim and cycle and walk - the latter not too much.

Hopefully I'll be able to get an MRI through my work health care plan so I will know for sure.

Thanks @thesootherfairy. You don't sound pathetic at all. I am just not able to make any decisions at the moment about what I want to eat, so I'm inevitably ending up binging and purging. I have eaten a proper dinner tonight and my anxiety is through the roof. I haven't purged but I'm going to take my meds soon which will send me to sleep because I can't sit with the discomfort much longer.

@TheOrigRights sorry to hear about the stress fracture. No words of wisdom from me except I currently feel like the ED is taking my life from me, I can see what it's doing but I can't stop it. Try not to be too hard on yourself - it really is difficult. I hope you're not in too much pain.

sooth you're doing so amazingly well. You've got this!
It's bloody hard and it's going to be up and down, but take each day at a time, as well as keeping the end goal in your mind.

rust I'm so sorry things are so tough for you and really hope your current support network can offer something which you feel able to engage in.

uninspired thank you for posting your story. I'm sorry it's so hard for you. All my support has been through the community and it's been brilliant. It has taken a very, very long time though.

@TheOrigRights

I think I have picked up another (my 4th) stress fracture, this time in my tibia. It's things like this which bring home how my choices (and genetics as well) effect my life. I did have a bone scan after my 3rd one, to check for early osteoporosis. That came back OK - low but not too low.

I just cannot make sense of why I 'choose' (?) to do something (ED) which means I can't do something I love so much (running), or why the motivation to be a great runner isn't enough.

I can still swim and cycle and walk - the latter not too much.

Hopefully I'll be able to get an MRI through my work health care plan so I will know for sure.

This really resonated.

I have developed hypothroidism, my periods stopped and lots of other ailments. All down to my anorexia

I too have low bone density according to scan but not osteoporosis. If you only have slightly low, then your fracture shouldn’t be because of that. How frequently do you run? I’m a runner and I have cut down to 4x a week maximum. Otherwise too much on the bones after 40 and low weight.

Is anyone a volume eater?

So by that I mean

I eat vast quantities of very very low calorie and fat food. So this keeps me full.

Breakfast: 3 apples and an orange

Lunch. Large bag of salad, entire cucumbers, spring onions, three steamed beetroots, a dozen tomatoes, half a jar of kimchi and then a tin of tuna or salmon.
Followed by two apples and a yoghurt

Dinner
A crown of broccoli (seriously!), half a cauliflower, cabbage, three large carrots, and then a huge bowl of lentil stew (I make a vat every weekend)
Followed by a bowl of blueberries and an apple

So my issue is… I’m never hungry. But… I’m very active and the food I’m eating is not dense so My BMI is a shit 16.

The upside is… I’ve not had a cold or cough for about 20 years!
Downside is… I look like a skeleton

Oh an often I’ll have a big bowl of weetabix and muesli with oat milk before bed. Sometimes almost a “binge”
But very weirdly, this doesn’t bother me because I know that I then have a very good day then next day in terms of being full of energy

Does anyone, anyone! Eat like this or it resonate?

Hello everyone 
Thanks @TheOrigRights and @Rustnot.

I'm really trying. I've put on a little more weight. BMI is 20.5 now.

Working hard on the three meals and 2 snacks. Getting it done about 90% of the time. I sometimes miss snacks due to work meetings etc and it's not always possible to make up for them but where I can I do.

Having a bit of a break through with therapy. I think I'm getting to the deeper rooted causes of the AN. Hopefully anyway.

@lentilsforever. I've never been a volume eater. I skip meals and eat as small portions as possible. But I don't eat low impact stuff. I have always sort of saved my calories for high density stuff like cheese, chocolate etc.
Many many years ago as a teen I had issues eating high fat foods and my ED was very bad back then and weight extremely low.
Over time I did improve and start eating everything but keeping control over weight by skipping meals and still being stuck with the ED because of this.

So I'm a bit different to you. You sound like you eat a lot of healthy veg etc.

I've just had a gluten free sweet potato tortilla made as a quesadilla with peanut butter, Nutella, bananas and raspberries. But I skipped breakfast and morning snack so need to try to have a big afternoon snack and evening snack to make up for it.
The ED is obviously telling me not to. Must do it though.

@lentilsforever. Could you try to add nut butters? Very very healthy and. Good for you. And very nutrient dense with lots of protein. And they taste great.
Worth a go?
If you can obviously. I know how bloody hard it is to change ED behaviour.

I hope I make it. I hope I can get to full recovery. I hope I don't slip up.

During next week I have both dietician and therapist and psychiatrist.

Scary. I'm taking DH to the dietician appointment. She wanted him to come so I can start to involve him in my recovery. Terrifying prospect as I won't have anywhere to hide the ED after this.

My GP checked on me this week. She was lovely and asked about treatment and said she had heard from the treatment team regarding the improvements in my eating. She was so nice and asked me if I was finding it hard. Very supportive.

This experience has made me realise that without a good Gp, you're stuffed. They are so so important to all aspects of physical and mental health.

Also made me sad for all the people who don't have a good GP and all the years I had terrible GPs and suffered alone with an ED because none of them cared to help me. Apparently many of them noted that they suspected anorexia but never asked me or helped me.

If I can make improvements after all these years, you all can too. Keep fighting.

Sounds like you are doing well @thesootherfairy. I would love to be at the therapy break through stage but I am so far away from that.

How have all your appointments gone?

My mood has been so low recently, and work has been stressful, I am barely keeping my head above water. I am worried about being sectioned but I just don't want an admission. Aside from anything else it would feel like a complete failure. Not sure how else to get back on track though, which I think is a problem.

Hi @Rustnot
I have had nearly 4 decades of this so plenty of time to think it over!

I'm sorry your mood is so low. Why do you need an admission? Is it low mood or low weight?

I saw dietician today and she had asked that I bring DH. I've never told DH anything about anorexia or the ED. All he knows is what he has witnessed which isn't much as I'm good at hiding it.

It was terrifying. To have some, a professional, sit and speak directly to your DH about your ED, your ED behaviour and why you have an ED etc etc. I literally wanted the ground to swallow me up for the first 10 minutes.

It got easier after that. I think DH was absolutely stunned.

It was very sobering to sit and listen to the entirety of your disorder laid out in plain fact.

Nowhere to hide. He knows everything now.

He is going to help me stay on track with meal planning, making sure I buy what I need in food shopping and that I am eating to the clock ie times for meals set by the dietician.

I don't think he had any idea of the extent of the problem. The effects both mental and physical and why I've been stuck here. Or indeed how bad it has been recently.

Dietician was lovely. She told him how well I've been doing and was full of praise for my efforts and my determination to stick to the eating plan etc.

This was one of the hardest things I've done. I have not asked DH yet what he thought.
The look on his face halfway through was enough to tell me he was shocked at how little I've been eating and how bad a state I've been in weight wise and eating wise.

I feel exhausted now. I couldn't sleep last night as I was so worried about this.

* I have not asked DH yet what he thought.*

Why not? Genuinely curious. What did you talk about on the journey back home?!

So so brave of you

@thesootherfairy
Did your DH not ever see you naked?
I think so many of EDs signs and symptoms are easy to hide from others but it can't be hidden when naked.

@lentilsforever
We talked about who was picking DS up from football and taking DD to Hobbycraft.

He tried to raise the subject but I changed it 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 I'm useless.

@TheOrigRights
Yes he has seen me naked. He has suspected for years and years. Tried to gently ask me and when things were really bad he used to offer me food all the time and take me out for dinner. Basically try and get as much food into me as possible.

I've just now wanted to discuss it. I'm too ashamed. Even today I didn't say much. I was grateful the dietician did all the explaining.

Not now - never wanted to discuss it.