Spoke to GP

[BraveButShaking]

He is referring me for psychiatric help.
What does this mean? I thought standard was counselling.

It has never been so hard to be honest. I need a hug...anyone?

So I have a meal plan - one I've made myself,

I asked what was the meal plan, that’s all.

You are not mucked up. You manage to balance work, children, life - that is tremendous. You have an illness. You seem determined to crack it.

I wasn't sure if you meant what was actually on it. And if so, why you were interested. Sorry - I'm snippy.

No need to apologise
Not snippy. Tad defensive but understandable.

What meal plan have you put together?

As to why interested, I am out the other side of having seen a dietician. It was brilliant. Really helped me. Small steps. Fat in every meal. I as seeds, oil, avocado with everything

The difference it has made to my quality of life is nothing short of remarkable. It has given me a new lease of life and I suppose I’m a bit evangelical about it!

That's really, really encouraging.

My meal plan is something I wrote myself. It's a bit a lot crap, but better than what I was/wasn't doing. Just the process of sitting writing it is a step forward.

I don't know when I will see the dietician. Psychologist said she would refer me, but I don't know if she has yet and then how long until I hear and then how long until appt.

I used to have such a brilliant relationship with food. I'm so tired of all this.

Something clicked on me

I suddenly really really Wanted to beat it. So I made myself promise myself that no excuses. I WOULD have avocado for example at lunch. Even if I told myself I didn’t feel like it.

And it worked. Good luck

But amend it if you think it’s crap.

Just baby steps

But no point committing yourself to something that you think is crap from the outset

Appt with dietician is 19th Dec - same day as ED nurse (fun fun fun).
I have really been trying to eat better but the real physical anxiety this gives me is exhausting. It's easier to follow what the ED voice says.

I am so happy to hear this.
It’s hard but you sound so strong

I actually can not tell you how many people are telling me how well look, how i look “radiant”, my skin looks fantastic etc

The same will happen to you and that will encourage you further because looking in the mirror and seeing the difference is compelling.

Thank you.

I've actually had people tell me I took fab when I was in the depths of my ED - until I got really thin. I guess I probably did look better than when I was in the midst of the hideous divorce.

I do a lot of exercise which keeps me very toned, so people see that and they also see me out and about. The LAST thing they would think is that I have a severe MH problem. I know it can't last though, there is a limit my body can take.

How was your appointment on the 19th?

19th is next Wednesday!

I did see the GP on Friday and have started on a different SSRI. Tiny dose to start with.
I'm doing ok. Eating behaviours are a bit better but my head and mood are all over the place, and I get overwhelmed very quickly.

Back from dietician and ED nurse.

Dietician was lovely. Very matter of fact and understanding. I am to make small changes. She didn't really tell me anything I don't know, but everything's sort of broken so it's good to know what to focus on which may help get things back on track. See her again in a month.

I've put a little weight on. Still underweight. But OMG she asked if I had things in my pockets ie to weigh me down. I think maybe I don't look any different? It wasn't embarassing, more just a bit shameful that she would think I'd do that. As hard as it is I have never deliberately been deceptive with the MH people (though I acknowledge that I have a great deal of denial and may not have always been entirely open).

Anyway, she wants to have a joint session/review with her and the psychologist.

I am being very well looked after by the NHS.

Kikidelivers here

This all sounds positive
Not so much that she thought you per se would put stones in pocket. Just that she’s probably seen it so many times and has to ask.

I went out for brunch yesterday with friends. I almost cried. I realised at the end that I hadn’t thought twice about the food. I had really been present with my friends. Really listened and engaged.

Makes the effort all worthwhile (I still have some way to go tbh!)

Seen you on another threads you seem to be in a good place ie no mention of health issues
How are you doing?

Ah ha, I recognise you.
I am trying. I hide my ED very, very well.

ED nurse support has stopped (by agreement). I am not recovered, but there is little more her support can do. I know what I need to do, I just need to be ready and strong enough to do it.

I really felt cast adrift for a while, exacerbated by not knowing what was going on with psychology support (within the same ED MH team), due to some miscommunication, but I am due to see psychologist in a week or so. We will discuss ongoing support. I can't really go back to see my GP as I don't want to take meds.

With the prospect of support stopping, I am trying to stand on my own two feet, which basically means I have withdrawn from friends who ask me how I am, slap on my happy 'everything's fine face', bury stuff and keep very, very busy. I don't think that's how it's meant to be but I am not sure what else to do.

I have spent £20 this week paying sitter to mind DS2 so I can run. Running works. It's really the only thing that does.

nb I have been under the MH ED team for 2 years. WAY longer than what I 'should' have had. I have been very, very well supported through some very dark and difficult times. The NHS MH support in my area is brilliant.

I salute you OP
You’re not accepting this lying down. You are being so proactive.

One thing that strikes me is that yu never actually mention food in your posts. You dodged the previous poster asking about the nutrition plan and you never mention it in any form.
Is it a disgust / disdain / fear of food?

I’ve come out the other side. Genuinely recovered. I enjoy food now. But part of the process was allowing all the walls to come down and be open about what I was eating; what I should be eating; and the abyss between the two

Thank you. I actually feel like I have a truck load of self-awareness and knowledge on how to help myself, but a complete inability to do anything with that knowledge.

Your question - hmmm. I think it's more disgust (or maybe shame is a better word) at myself rather than food.

It's heart warming to hear you're fully recovered. Well done. Really, I know how brave and strong you must have been.

I know what I should be eating and I just feel so stupid when I tell someone (health professional) what I am actually eating.

I hate hate hate how it now dominates pretty much every social occasion - the preparation, the actual event, the afterwards.
I hate talking about it because it just high lights how disordered I have become - it's kind of easy to go about my days in my own way.

I get it. I do.

Once you’re through it you will see that “it” ie isn’t dominating anything
It is your ED that is making things seem like that.

Why don’t you list here what you do eat

And then list what you you have been advised to eat.

Own it. And try to fill in one tiny gap. Baby steps. That worked for me. Pretty soon the baby steps become bigger. And bigger.

A question: GP is leaving some meds for me at the surgery.

I can't have that amount in my home in one go.
Will the pharmacist let me just take a week or twos worth and leave the rest to collect later, or will she have to go through the GP to do that?

So that's me discharged from psychologist and ED nurse. Feel like my support net has been taken away from me. I'm on my own and need to get my shit together.

Sat in the car and cried my eyes out before I could drive home.

Going for a run soon then collect DS2 from disco then watch master chef (the irony) then bed with 1/2 sleeping tablet (can't take a whole one while responsible for DS).

Right now I want to check in to somewhere for a couple of nights by the sea and sleep and read and walk.

Pharmacist was understanding and kind - all sorted. They know me at my surgery.

I read the whole thread last night,my you really should write a book. I suffer like you and I found it really helpful. I'm heartened to hear you have had some support over the years but worried for you now that it is trickling away. Eating disorders last forever, we can't escape food or our personalities. Running really helps me too. I ran ten miles yesterday morning then had a bad afternoon and blasted another 3 out in the evening. It's baffling to those who don't understand,miss the only things that makes me feel better, takes the thoughts away- like a purge. And the anger. And the satisfaction of seeing my bones. X

@TheOrigBrave

How are you doing OP?

It's kind of you to ask.

I did manage to make small steps in my recovery - maybe for a couple of months, but then I slipped along with my over all MH.

It's just become normal now - only have 2 weeks of meds at one time, maintain a weight that doesn't draw too much attention to myself, carry on with my life.
GP referred me back to the MH team but nothing's in place.

My ED dominates my day. I hate it - the lying, the secrecy, the mental and physical drain on me, the facade, that I can't talk to anyone because I feel so ashamed.