Spoke to GP

[BraveButShaking]

He is referring me for psychiatric help.
What does this mean? I thought standard was counselling.

It has never been so hard to be honest. I need a hug...anyone?

Have you tried introducing one new did OP. One teeny tiny change and then report back!

I really only have 2 foods which I am obsessive about - the rest of the time, I am able to be more flexible.
But I understand what you mean - can I make one small change in my obsessive/controlling behaviour.
I will try. Thank you for posting.

That sounds positive, really. Hope to hear soon what the tiny change is. Could even by semi skimmed milk instead skimmed in your tea... that kind of thing.

Good luck!

You will be waiting I'm afraid. Things are not good. I think I am denying to myself how lockdown is affecting me.

I am writing things down to discuss with my therapist on our next phone call.

Have you had your call yet OP?
Do you do yoga? Might be an idea to consider. Short to start.
Have there been any physical consequences to your food deprivation? Ie do you still have periods? Bone density? Hormones?

Any tiny tiny change you’ve made?

Yes, it was on Thursday. As it was the first session we mostly went over the previous support I've had and started to make a plan for how they will support me now. I did get some time to talk about current things, but we didn't really challenge it if you know what I mean.

I don't do yoga; the most similar activity I have found useful is body balance at the sports centre. I would find it very hard to prioritise yoga over the other things I need or want to do, but I know I shouldn't dismiss it.

My periods are erratic, but I am late 40s so likely perimenopause. I've had 3 stress fractures in my feet and shin and did have a bone scan after the last one. It was low but not alarmingly so. I've had high creatine kinase levels due to over-exercise and my vitD level is currently low.

No, I've made no changes...really struggling and am very tearful at small things.

Bring here OP

You ok?

Hello Bring/Juliet

I am. Mostly. Working with my therapist over the phone.
Today I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I felt rigid with anxiety, heart racing, hands sweating, throat closing in on me.
But I did it and the world did not stop revolving on its axis.

Lockdown has been hideous, but my yr6 son is back at school, my older son has gone back to his uni town and the elderly relative I was caring for is now in a lovely nursing home, so things are a lot less stressful.

Thank you for asking.

Wow!! That is I think the just positive post from you. Goof. For. You!!

Ok, you need to say.... what did you do?! And you plan to do again? (Fingers crossed)

Mine back tomorrow. The relief.

Thank you.
I am not able to say what I did, not here.
To anyone else it would seem insignificant and not a big deal at all, but to me it was massive. And in fact, what it was is not important, it's the process itself.
I will tell my therapist though.

Genuine congratulations

Just read thread - you’ve really been through it op but sounds much more positive towards end

How’s things?

Thank you.

I'm not doing great. For the past couple of days I have felt like I'm about to pass out when I stand up.

Is this because of lack of food?

OP, I am sorry. Think back to the progress you have made? You have a son, he needs you well. Just focus on one tiny achievement today. When is your next therapy call?

OP that sounds worrying. Have you restricted and exercised today?
There are other causes of being light headed obviously but only you will know if under eating or purging is most likely to be the cause.

Are you still in touch with your therapist?
Can you get as required support or just planned?

Yes I've restricted, exercised (not as much as Mon and Tues though) and purged.

I have fortnightly zoom appts with my therapist; next one is next week.

I feel so ashamed and foolish.

I do have a safety plan.

What I really want is to go away by myself for a couple of days, just to sleep, read and walk (don't we all, eh?).

Thank you for being kind.

Just had an awful therapy session. I am not recovering and I don't understand how I am meant to be on the road to recovery with the sessions I've had.

I have ALL the self-awareness, and know my values and what's important to me etc.

I don't understand how that then leads to recovery. The therapist doesn't understand me either so is talking to her colleague.

So now I just feel crap - like I'm doing therapy wrong.

I do have an appt with a dietician (a different one to before) so maybe something will click with her.

Sounds like you and therapist are not really getting along!

Just telling someone what the "tools" are to recover and self awareness won't actually make any sort of a dent in an ED! You and therapist need to work out what you're using the ED as or to cover up and then work out those feelings before the tools etc can be helpful.

The therapist sounds a bit lacking tbh

Sorry @TheOrigBrave. Also what kind of therapy is this?

Yes, we haven't really clicked. It happens. I have been very, very honest with her, to the point of great discomfort on my side.

She is a psychological therapist and I think the technique is ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). She hasn't said that, but I looked up some of the exercises online.

Maybe it would have been different in a face to face meeting.

@TheOrigBrave I'm sorry to hear that.
You're doing something so tough.
Could you bring it up with her? As in tell her how you feel about the two of you?
Otherwise it's just going thru the motions.
Also according to NICE, you are entitled to say if your feel your ED treatment isn't working and to be switched to a different therapy to get it to work.

Worth asking Brave! If you don't ask, all you'll get is more of this therapy which isn't working and it could ultimately make your situation feel worse?

Could you go and see your GP or telephone consultation with GP and explain the issues. Perhaps GP will offer advice on the local ED service??

You've nothing to lose by asking!

Thank you for your kind words @lamacorn

She is going to discuss the situation with her colleagues so I think the wheels are in motion.
I didn't know about the NICE guidelines, so thank you for that. I've always thought it was down to me not being ready to engage fully, and while I think that's true I hadn't considered that it may also be that I just haven't found the right therapy.

I don't think my GP will be of more help than the MH/ED services I am already registered with. They are my local service.

I am 'seeing' the dietician tomorrow. She is part of the ED team and seems to be very experienced so she may be of some help.