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Spoke to GP

271 replies

BraveButShaking · 17/02/2017 17:46

He is referring me for psychiatric help.
What does this mean? I thought standard was counselling.

It has never been so hard to be honest. I need a hug...anyone?

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BraveButShaking · 21/02/2017 23:05

Yes, I feel very exposed. It was so, so hard taking to the Mind person (I didn't know how much she knew), so I didn't say much at all.

I've been to the cinema with a couple of friends. I feel safe with them as they just let me be. I so hate people commenting on my weight or observing my behaviour.

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einalem1984 · 28/02/2017 06:04

It's really good that you have friends you feel comfortable around. It is hard to talk about problems especially with a stranger, totally understand what you mean about it making you realise how bad you are. It's as if saying it all out loud makes it more real somehow. I used to find that after going to my counselling sessions I'd feel drained and emotionally exhausted. However, it does get easier to speak and the person you'll be talking to will be well trained. Good luck Wink

BraveButShaking · 06/03/2017 11:30

Had a txt from a friend asking whether I'm OK and that I seem short and sharp and non-communicative.

She's entirely right, but it's not her, it's me. But I don't know how to reply w/o attracting attention to myself. I just want her to leave me be. When I'm low I retract from those who care for me.

Seeing therapist today. Completely unable to focus on my work.

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BraveButShaking · 06/03/2017 15:59

Therapist session went well, though he wants to continue the initial assessment as he's not sure whether I need primary or secondary care.

I do feel looked after.

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BeachysSnowyWellieBoots · 06/03/2017 17:33

That excellent news and feeling looked after is a good place to be, well done you Flowers

PacificDogwod · 07/03/2017 19:11

Aw, I'm glad you feel cared for.
Now all you have to do is find a way to be loving and caring to yourself too.
Easier said than done, but you're on the right track by the sounds of it.
Thanks

BraveButShaking · 07/03/2017 20:12

Thank you.

I am a keen runner and it's really helped me. In the GP referral letter (which I asked to read when I saw the therapist) he wrote that I was obsessed (maybe a bit more kindly than that but that was the gist).
While I admit I do get twitchy if I don't exercise I really don't think it's linked with the ED. But now I'm worried I don't know the boundaries.

I've just come back from running club where I have good friends. We had a brilliant session and I feel happy with the endorphins. That's not wrong, is it?

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PacificDogwod · 07/03/2017 20:47

Nope, that is not wrong at all Smile

At the same time I think it is worthwhile exploring - you are not the first person with a difficult relationship to food/weight AND exercise. It's good that you enjoy your running, but the 'getting twitchy' when not bears thinking about.

BraveButShaking · 09/03/2017 10:42

Therapist just called (bang on the time he said, which I really appreciate).
He talked to his supervisor and they think I need greater care than they can provide, so it's going to some meeting tomorrow with the secondary care team.

I know it's what I need, but I'm scared. I can't understand how I've ended up in such a funk. On the outside I'm a bubbly, professional woman with a couple of great kids, lots of interests, good sense of humour etc.

The ED is getting worse and my mind is struggling to settle. Sleep is all over the place, I can't focus on my work, I can't relax in the evening, I'm distancing myself from the friends who know all is not well.

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BeachysSnowyWellieBoots · 10/03/2017 18:19

How are you today? I'm really glad you've been offered the extra help you need, although it's scary....

BraveButShaking · 11/03/2017 00:24

Feeling ok right now.
Therapist called and confirmed referral to secondary mental health.
He did depression and anxiety questions over the phone. It was enlightened to recognise and acknowledge how I've been feeling is high on the scale. I've kind of got used to it just being rotten and managing...waiting for it to get better.

Haven't eaten much at all today. The release purging gives me is tangible.

Mid divorce I was crying all the time. I haven't cried (apart from the acute response when I get a txt or email from ex) recently.

I have been thinking back to last June when I went away for 4 days on my own, no phone, internet, contact with anyone and I just want to be back there. I think that was the last time I slept properly.

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BeachysSnowyWellieBoots · 11/03/2017 09:27

It would be great if you could reconnect with your friends. I'm sure they would be happy to support you over the coming weeks and months....

BraveButShaking · 11/03/2017 14:18

I haven't lost connection with them, not too much, just haven't got the courage to tell them the truth.

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BeachysSnowyWellieBoots · 11/03/2017 17:03

I think it's enough just to keep the lines of communication open. Then maybe when you are feeling a bit stronger, you can let them know a little more.

Have you heard of b-eat? I can't seem to create a link, but site address below....

www.b-eat.co.uk/

You may be able to have a general chat to them, just to tide you over until your treatment starts in full.

Hope you're having an ok weekend.

BraveButShaking · 11/03/2017 22:14

Thank you. I have been emailing Beat. They are very good, and I feel able to tell them everything behind the screen of anonymity.

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BraveButShaking · 11/03/2017 22:17

I am going to the US for a conference two weeks today, staying in an AirB&B with one other colleague. Am very anxious about it. I am thinking of emailing her (she is in the US) and telling her very matter of factly that I have an ED and I need her not to comment on anything. Would that be ok? While I'm in the midst of this I can't just be "normal" for the duration.
Normally on work trips I have my own room and bathroom so have privacy in the morning and evening.

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PacificDogwod · 11/03/2017 22:17

Just keep talking - to your friends whatever you are comfortable sharing with them and with Beat the whole scary truth if it feels safer doing that anonymously.

You are not alone with this problem.

I've kind of got used to it just being rotten and managing

It will take time and hard work to re-set what is 'normal' and healthy - your perceptive is likely quite skewed.

You are being very strong and brave facing a difficult and potentially life-threatening condition face on Thanks

PacificDogwod · 11/03/2017 22:19

Oh gosh, x-posted with you.

If you cannot get a private room and you feel able to tell her, then yes, email ahead.

BraveButShaking · 12/03/2017 16:49

Have had a pretty good day - 10 mile run, cinema with son and friend, park.

Really stressed and anxious now. Ex FIL coming over to eat. Am making roast. Loads of chores to do in prep for week ahead.

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BraveButShaking · 14/03/2017 16:12

MH team just called. MH nurse took lots of details and said I will get letter through for appt with MH and ED team. It may take weeks.

The rational side of me accepts this is a very good service, and I have so far been treated very well and at speed. The irrational, unwell side is in a complete panic.

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BraveButShaking · 18/03/2017 22:35

The irony of the appt letter dropping through the letter box while I was in the bathroom purging....

It's late April - so another 6 weeks, with ED clinician (is that a doctor?) and a MH person.

Does anyone know what I can expect at that appt? Will they ask to do physical checks or will it be just be talking?

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PacificDogwod · 19/03/2017 10:06

The first appointment will likely be a 'getting-to-know-you' session, a detailed history, figuring out how 'your' ED affects you, what you feel you can and cannot tackle. They will ask whether why can weight and measure you to get an up to date BMI but will not insists if that is too much for you. They may ask for more blood tests (ED bloods look for more micronutrients that what you'd normally worry about in somebody who is eating/not purging), they may look at things like body hair (on your arms for instance) and skin fold thickness (again, usually arms - it is a measure of body fat which is so important for us).

ED clinician may be a nurse - most ED teams are multidisciplinary (specialist nurses and doctors, OTs, psychologist, dieticians etc etc).

I am sure what exactly happens will vary from team to team, but the main purpose of the first meeting is to get to know each other and to hopefully enable you to engage with follow up and whatever help they can offer.

The rational side of me accepts this is a very good service, and I have so far been treated very well and at speed. The irrational, unwell side is in a complete panic.
I think that is a really interesting statement and so true of so many people with EDs: you know that what you are doing is not good for you or 'normal', but threatening that safety blanket, that bit of control that your ED give you is really, really scary.
Which is why addressing it is a very brave thing to do, so kudos to you Thanks

BraveButShaking · 19/03/2017 21:10

Pacific
Thank you so much for taking the time to write, it is very much appreciated. As I think you understand, control over situations is very important to me and having an idea what to expect will really help.

I think it would have been useful for the ED/MH team to have included this info in the appt letter. Maybe I will mention it to them.

I simply cannot imagine sitting there speaking about the extent of my behaviours, though I imagine they will have a pretty good idea based on what they see.

ex has caused huge anxiety in me this w/e. He knows exactly what he's doing and I can do nothing about it aside from hire a hit man

Thank you again.

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PacificDogwod · 19/03/2017 21:12

I don't know whether this will help or not, but here goes:
They will have heard it ALL before, nothing you are doing or feeling or thinking will have not been done or felt or thought before and the ED team will have encountered it before.

I hope you can keep yourself safe until your appointment comes round Thanks

BraveButShaking · 19/03/2017 23:18

It does help, thank you. I guess they will be able to ask questions in such a way as to be able to gauge how open I feel I am able to be.

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