Spoke to GP

[BraveButShaking]

He is referring me for psychiatric help.
What does this mean? I thought standard was counselling.

It has never been so hard to be honest. I need a hug...anyone?

My ED dominates my day. I hate it - the lying, the secrecy, the mental and physical drain on me, the facade, that I can't talk to anyone because I feel so ashamed.

I am so sorry to read this. Lying about what you’ve eaten? The facade you don’t have issues around food?

Do you have any physical health issues as a result? Fatigue? Thinning hair? More serious...?

Is there any one at all you can really and truly open up to? Once first step taken, I suspect it will be liberating

What kind of ED? Pure restriction or bulimia or occasional binges?

Have you been 100% honest with the professionals involved in you case?

Lying about what you’ve eaten?

Binges are entirely secret obviously, but it's more that I lie about WHEN I've eaten e.g. saying I had a late lunch to justify small or no evening meal, or that I'm doing sport so will eat later (and then don't).

The facade you don’t have issues around food?

Absolutely. I hear myself blather on to my sons about eating well and the importance of being healthy.

Do you have any physical health issues as a result? Fatigue? Thinning hair? More serious...?

Surprisingly not, though I fully acknowledge that it will be damaging me. After a purge I look like shit and I am puffy the next day.

I did have elevated CK levels at one point (not been tested for a while), which is an indicator of over-exercise. I exercise a lot. I am a competitive and good runner and have seen my performance dip. I love my running (and swimming and cycling), and have acknowledged with the health professionals that it's too much with my low weight. I've had 3 stress fractures. However I have made an informed decision not to cut down as it is SO important for my MH. Of course I understand that my ED puts me at a very high injury risk, but I am very good at putting it at the back of my mind.

Is there any one at all you can really and truly open up to?

No, only the ED nurse, but even then it wasn't in depth and she didn't push. My GP has all my notes from the MH and ED people so I only need to tell him I still have issues for him to know what I mean.

Once first step taken, I suspect it will be liberating

I didn't find that with the ED nurse - I just felt disgust.

What kind of ED? Pure restriction or bulimia or occasional binges?

Restrictive bulimia. My binges are not big, probably not much more than a normal meal size, it's more the mental state I am in at the time which classifies it as such: the escape, the almost out-of-body feeling, the feeling I can't stop and knowing that I'll feel such a release afterwards (followed of course by shame, physical discomfort and determination not to do it again).

Have you been 100% honest with the professionals involved in you case?

The ED nurse knew everything, but I was discharged from her care in February.

@TheOrigBrave

How you doing op?

Thanks for asking @Lovemenorca

Unfortunately I'm not doing well at all.

I have seen a psychologist from the Access and Assessment MH team a few times now. She was hoping I would find support from a different service, but that did not get anywhere, so she is seeing me and doing some CBT. I'm not sure for how long.

I do feel able to work on the CBT method, which is progress as I'm sure a year ago I would have found it too hard.

My ex has really rocked with me an abusive email this week. I know he's a bastard, but the physical response lies deep and my coping mechanisms work to keep me carrying on.

My sleep is shot.

BUT, DS2 is doing really well, we have a nice little routine going when DS1 is at uni.

My sport (especially my running) stops the antsy feeling and gives me a buzz.

Have you tried cbd oil?

Lots of positives. Cbt going well and you wouldn’t have done a year ago and in nice routine with your son

How’s health and weight? How are you physically feeling? Is your exercise effected by not eating?

Have you tried running with someone?

I never used to. But find the right partner and it’s revolutionary. Like therapy on the go!

Have you tried cbd oil?

No, and I would need to do some research and talk to my GP before doing so as I take ADs.

Lots of positives. Cbt going well and you wouldn’t have done a year ago and in nice routine with your son

Yes, I do recognise this. It's strange though. It seems that as one thing becomes calmer my brain then allows some other crap in.

How’s health and weight? How are you physically feeling? Is your exercise effected by not eating?

Complicated. Weight is low - in fact a good friend asked me only this evening if I'd lost weight. Most people don't mention it, but this is a very good friend and it comes from a place of concern.
Knowing I'm going to run is actually good, I plan to eat something before I run. But then I know that I will not be hungry for a while afterwards. I am tired and find it hard to focus at times.

*Have you tried running with someone?

I never used to. But find the right partner and it’s revolutionary. Like therapy on the go!*

I am in a running club (though I'm unable to get to training as I have DS2 with me all the time) where I have many, many friends. I race and do try and meet up with friends when I can. In fact I'm meeting 2 friends on Friday for a run together (only taken us 2 years for the stars to be aligned just so!).

So most of my running is alone, with my tunes, but I do feel very much part of the community.

How are you doing OP?
It seemed like fair bit of positive to hold on to and push you forward?

How are you sleeping btw?

I'm really struggling right now. ED is getting worse. MH has taken a nose dive.

I am so, so tired. I would so dearly love to sleep for days and days or take myself away for a few days to be entirely alone to read, walk, sleep, not talk to anyone.

I have been referred back to secondary MH so we shall see.

I had a fabulous run this evening (DS2 is just old enough for me to leave him home alone for a bit). Head wind and uphill on the way there, tail wind and down hill on the way back.

Are you so sleepy because weak from it eating?

Yes, I am sure my poor nutrition doesn't help with my sleep. But mainly I think it's depression.

I get to sleep OK, then wake anything between 1 and 3hrs later, and then again. I always go to bed too late because once DS2 is in bed it's the only time in the day I get to myself. My body clock isn't in sync with my day. On the rare occasion I can sleep in I can sleep very well.

Op poor nutrition is reason behind your crap sleep.

This has been going on for years. You are a strong woman in a responsible job (editor if I recall correctly) with two sons.

Make two changes today. Today! They can be teeny tiny. An extra spoonful of yoghurt. An extra mouthful at lunch. Tomorrow do the same plus two other tiny changes.

Forget the outside help. You’ve flogged it’s. You’re a grown assed woman and you’ve tried the formal help. Either throw yourself in it and get admitted. Or look onwards. You must be bored, and it just be shite to parent on such low reserves.

Good luck.

I will hear from the ED team next week.
I changed GP surgery when mine got merged into larger practice, and my new one is in different county (I live on the border). So it's a whole new team.

Talking to the assessment clinician brought home how unwell I am - I have normalised it.

Ex is using his emotionally abuse ways to mess with my head. We have to communicate to arrange contact for DS

Please be kind.

I am unable to get my safe food today. I get it from the local shop but know I can't go as it's not essential. I could ask on my resident FB page if anyone is making an essential trip and could get me them all one, but does that look terribly weird.

I am waiting until I have to go and do a bigger shop in town. The household has enough food.

It means I won't eat until much later.

I had my initial face to face assessment 10 days or so ago and obviously as the world has gone a bit mad since then I didn't know where things lay.

But they left a voice msg for me yesterday saying that even though support will be different than usual (phone I guess) I WILL be supported.

@TheOrigBrave I feel you. I’m absolutely terrified of running out of my safe foods and not being able to get them. My anxiety is sky high at the moment. I think you can definitely ask if anyone is going and they could get you something. I’ve got shopping being delivered tomorrow with items for my neighbour so they don’t have to go out. I’ll be leaving it on their doorstep for them.
Also best for you to go out as little as possible as we can have a weakened immune system from being underweight.

Well done on organising help, my therapy has also moved to phone appointments. It’s a bit strange to get used to but also somehow easier to talk when you’re not face to face with someone.

Op this could be a positive
Could you find an alternative to your safe food?

Ps what is “safe” food?

Thank you star. I hope you are able to manage things.

Bringing Yes, it could be a positive, but it's not really the best time to be challenging myself in this way. I will have to think of alternatives, and now I know I'm in the situation I can take control (it was thrust upon us somewhat). So when I do next go to the supermarket I can make choices.

For me it's about routine - I can manage if certain things are the same day in day out. A lot of it is timing. Believe me, I know exactly how much it controls me - I'm horrible to be around at times.

Do you mean what is 'safe' food in terms of people with EDs or what my 'safe' food is.

Both - what are safe foods and what are your safe foods?

Op your last message sound substantially more positive than previous. Acceptance of situation and you’re going to find a work around. Definite step forward I’d say.

Safe foods are ones which I feel comfortable eating, but actually for me it's definitely more a routine thing. At 9am I have one of those 'shots' of nuts and berries and at 11am I have a specific brand of yoghurt and granola.

When I went to the supermarket (first time in over a week) on Friday I picked up 5 of my yoghurt and only remembered when I got to the checkout that it's only 2 or 3 items per person. I didn't panic, I worked out a way to get them, by either asking the person behind to get them for me, or basically just telling the checkout woman that I had an ED and then see if she would relax the rules. I realise that seems really pathetic in light of people not able to get the most basic items and also darn rude of me to involve others in my weird behaviour, but that's the ED voice - it's very selfish and in the moment that's all that matters.

In the end I just asked her if having 5 was going to be a problem and she waved them on saying as long as there were plenty on the shelf and that they weren't one of the main foods (e.g bread) it would be fine to make an exception.

I cannot find my nuts and berry shots so I'm skipping that.

Honestly, the old me would have told me to get a bloody grip.

@TheOrigBrave

How you doing?

What about just substituting ONE of your safe foods? Literally just one?

You ok OP?

I am struggling. It's a text book case of using what I can control (food) as a way to manage what I can't control. Oh and I've lost my appetite anyway.

The hardest is trying to work full time while keeping my 11yo occupied.

Are you still managing to get out for your runs OP? Is anything helping that you can think of?

I can't run at the moment. I sprained (or did something hurty) to my ankle running in the dark over 3 weeks ago. I tripped in a pothole.

But actually, it's not bad timing as I need to accompany my 11yo for his daily exercise so we cycle. It means I'm not torn between running (which is great for me) and cycling (which is better for the boys).

So, I've been cycling a lot.