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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 23/04/2022 06:57

What's the advice from the family law solicitor ?

Tlollj · 23/04/2022 06:58

You’ll be breastfeeding though, won’t you?

Ultimatebetrayal · 23/04/2022 06:59

Not a chance would he get 50/50.
Also he can't issue court proceedings until baby born and then good luck with getting a court date anytime soon.
Relax

KangarooKenny · 23/04/2022 06:59

I think you’ve been very generous with your offer so far, I wouldn’t have wanted my ex hanging around in my home that much.
Are you going to breast feed ? I believe that stops him being able to have baby so much.

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

Tlollj · 23/04/2022 06:58

You’ll be breastfeeding though, won’t you?

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Tlollj · 23/04/2022 07:03

No I know not everybody can. I didn’t. But that’s what I’d say to dick head ex.

RachelshouldvegonetoParis · 23/04/2022 07:04

Don’t worry, he can’t insist on this and he won’t when he sees how much newborn babies rely on their mum, especially if you’re breastfeeding. Don’t let him pressure you into expressing or formula. Tell him that breast milk is in the baby’s best interests.

3 hours a day is a lot. I would start with twice a week, at home of course because your baby will not want to be away from you at the beginning.

You are not obliged to invite him to the birth. Try not to worry.

My ex was the same, wanted me to sign something saying 50/50. I was like you, terrified! So I said no. And when the baby arrived he understood because, well, it’s nature and reality takes over.

ivykaty44 · 23/04/2022 07:04

I’d think he can take this matter to court, he won’t be able to start the court process until the child is born. Then the process will take some considerable time

until then keep offering the three hour slots at the house and additional nights to be with baby at the house and bring baby only for feeding?

you will not be obstructing him seeing baby and by the time it gets to court baby will not be a new born

ZealAndArdour · 23/04/2022 07:04

Exclusively breastfeed your baby, if possible. This, in addition to your very generous offer of contact will stand you in good stead in family court.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 07:06

3 hours per day is too much
I would offer 2 hours 5 days per week. Arrange an appointment with a mediator and have it written into a parenting plan. If he doesn't turn up or engage that will count against him in court if he goes that way.
don't panic- he won't get anything like 50/50 with a small baby.

RachelshouldvegonetoParis · 23/04/2022 07:09

You’ll be breastfeeding though, won’t you?

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

I believe it was a question designed to put OP’s mind at rest that a baby being breastfed cannot reasonably be expected to be physically separated from the source of its food.

rogueone · 23/04/2022 07:10

It’s a ploy not to have to pay CMS. No judge will allow 50/50 from birth. Say no and let him
take you to court . You have shown yourself to be reasonable and he will look like an arse

Eightiesfan · 23/04/2022 07:30

rogueone is right, some genius friend of your ex has told him to ask for this to avoid CMS payments. Once the reality of actually having this huge responsibility dawns on him he’ll no doubt change his tune.

Try not to worry and as PP have mentioned when it gets official don’t offer 6 days and overnight stays. This will not be good for you post-birth and your baby will be too young to care. Once DC is a bit older you can revisit this, but in the meantime don’t worry or allow him to bully you.

Swayingpalmtrees · 23/04/2022 07:31

There is no way he would be at the birth, and not a chance I would even put him on the birth certificate. In fact I would not let him anywhere near my baby or me. Cut off contact. Don't respond and consider your options with a trusted solicitor.

Take back your power.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. As other posters have said, let him take you to court, there is currently a nine month wait or longer for some cases.

megletthesecond · 23/04/2022 07:33

It's just a feeble threat as he thinks it'll get him out of paying maintenence.

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:36

Hawkins001 · 23/04/2022 06:57

What's the advice from the family law solicitor ?

She helped me write the email and said in her experience 3 hours a day six days a week is me going above and beyond the norm for a newborn. She even said he will probably be surprised you've offered so much as she sees women offering a couple of hours a week only and it gets passed in mediation or court. She seems to think he clearly hasn't sought any legal advice of his own if he thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I thought this was a good offer personally!

OP posts:
Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:38

@Tlollj I have insanely sensitive nipples and struggled a lot with my son even though that was years ago. My aim is to breastfeed for the first few days/week and just sit there in pain for her to get all the best stuff at the start but unless somehow it's a lot less painful this time I think a week will be my maximum unfortunately and that breaks my heart!

OP posts:
Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:42

@RachelshouldvegonetoParis he's definitely not being at the birth. He's furious with this which I don't understand either.

With my boy I got so warm and couldn't stand any clothes or my hair even touching my skin in the end so gave birth naked. I don't want my ex around when if I'm naked!

Not to mention him being there won't help with any support or care or help release any endorphins that helps the labour along. 100% will not be at the birth.

I've even said I'd tell him when going in to labour or as it looks like now the date I'll be induced as she's a big baby, so he can be outside waiting and can come in as soon as placenta is out and I'm covered/decent.

Not good enough apparently!

OP posts:
Butfirstcoffees · 23/04/2022 07:42

Assuming he is working, I think 3 hours a day, 6 days a week is too much. I also think you having to be around him for a few hours 6 days a week, will likely cause you some stress and upset.

I would revise my offer, down. He won't get 50:50 care of a new born. As pp said, it's simply a ploy so he doesn't have to pay CS.

Butfirstcoffees · 23/04/2022 07:44

I've even said I'd tell him when going in to labour or as it looks like now the date I'll be induced as she's a big baby, so he can be outside waiting and can come in as soon as placenta is out and I'm covered/decent.

Don't feel you have to do this either. You need to out you and the baby first. After giving birth, do you really want the man who is threatening to Try and separate you from your newborn 50% of the time?

KangarooKenny · 23/04/2022 07:45

Is he going on the birth certificate ?

KangarooKenny · 23/04/2022 07:45

And whose surname is she getting ?

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:45

@CloseYourEyesAndSee he's offered to go to mediation after my proposal.

However following our relationship I'm doing work with the freedom programme (a programme to help women recognise abuse - his was verbal/psychological/emotional) and not only do I not have to attend mediation, their concern is that he will manipulate me in to making a decision I don't want to do. So we decided that email gives me the space to read, get the advice from the freedom programme about some of the things he says, reflect and respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:48

@KangarooKenny the baby will be taking my last name for sure, not his.

As for the birth certificate, I'm undecided. I have 6 weeks post birth to register and I'd rather not right now to be honest until he has calmed down/shown he can be reasonable and put the baby's interests first.

OP posts:
TraceyLacey · 23/04/2022 07:49

On the breastfeeding - with my first I was gritting my teeth in pain, but with the second I didn't feel anything, it was fine! No idea why it was different.

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