Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

[Baby3at40]

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

There is absolutely no chance that he would get 50/50 from birth if he went to court. Let him take you to court. He's a controlling dickhead. Stop engaging with him.

Also this. Absolutely do NOT put us name on that certificate.

Once baby is born, he can go to court to be added to the birth certificate.
Let him do that.

Firstly, listen to @TheFormidableMrsC she knows her stuff 👍👍

Secondly, stop playing his game. What do you need right now? Rest and peace and a chance to get some distance from this creep.

Do not respond to his email other than a one liner "I will take your recent comment under advisement"

Do not keep replying. You owe him nothing.

If he emails 50 times to your once, let him. Let him show himself up. Keep all emails.

In fact, top tips coming up...

1. Filter all his emails into a special folder marked idiot and open them when you feel like it
2. Get a new mobile on PAYG. Inform him that your number has changed. Only use that phone for him and switch it off when you can't be doing with him for your health. Best thing I ever did. My ex was so cross about this. He threatened to tell the judge and I told him to go ahead and I would explain why I needed to do it.

You haven't yet had the distance to see things as they are. You are playing on his terms. Keep doing that freedom programme. Do not engage other than in business like fashion and train yourself not to respond immediately. Short and factual is good.

Priority order...

Have a break from him and this for a couple if days at least to concentrate on you

Ask around for other solicitors and legal aid. Yours is ridiculous to have agreed with the level of contact you offered.

Consider rescinding your offer. You will of course be agreeable to contact but his emails are causing you stress and anxiety, and you regard his behaviour as unreasonable. If he continues with a barrage of demands tell him you consider it harassment. You can then state that it is not in your or baby's interests to have him at your house for the amount of contact initially offered due to his behaviour and on further advice you withdraw your offer.

(Re your latest message) I think he's still trying to be a controlling, manipulative dickhead.

Ignore it and don't respond. Newborn baby being directly with mum the whole time in their first few weeks of life is NOT unreasonable!

@ConfusedNoMore thanks so much. I replied in a very business like fashion and ignored a lot of what he said and just stuck to the facts. He kept emailing so I replied

"in the meantime I'll let you have some space to process my contact proposal and get your own legal advice on what I've offered. Have a good weekend".

That would have pissed him off because I wasn't biting to the things he said in his email. He tried saying in the email that my daughter said things to him against me when we were together - this was a lightbulb moment as the freedom programme told me they were expecting him to try and isolate me and to try and create a rift between me and loved ones. Whether my daughter had a moan about me to him or not when we were together I told my daughter I don't mind at all as it happens, she was furious when I asked her (she's 21) because up until recently both my children really bought in to him and she trusted him. His attempt to cause a rift between my daughter and I has brought us closer and in a strange way I'm so pleased he tried as he did it 48 hours after the freedom programme told me he would!

Text book abusive!

Well done. Now think what YOU want.. 👍

You've been more than reasonable - he sounds awful!

Have you discussed finances? What plans dies he have to help support his child?

The issue with this level of contact, is that you've set a very high precedent from the outset. And that means when he wants increases, which naturally would normally happen once weaning leading to full days by say a year ish and then overnights at 18 to 24 months, you're already way further down the road.

Also, if you've offered different times of day which he'll never be able to facilitate due to work commitments etc regardless of how flexible you perceive his role to have been historically, that's unreasonable in itself as well.

If you're contacting women's aid I presume there was dv, in which case no mediation is appropriate. And inviting him into your home then minimises any dv element as it would be seen as unbelievable for you to choose to do this if there was dv.

If the offer of contact has been declined, then do nothing more now. Let him start his games once baby is here. Don't answer any calls or texts before the birth. And I'd suggest taking a few days post birth before telling him, so you can have some time to recover. The last thing postpartum you need is for him in your home straight away, as awful as that is for him, but due to his own conduct.

Tbh, I think if there's dv, no handovers is appropriate and that you reply he's right and that he needs to pay for a contact centre as your home is inappropriate given the circumstances.

My daughter is 10 months and his father currently has her every other weekend whilst he has his other 2 girls, he lives an hour away… now he asked to have her for the 5 days over Xmas ( it’s my weekend) and also wants to take her abroad for a week with his mum. ( my weekend again)

can anyone help? I really feel that even 2 nights every other week is a long time for her to be away from her mummy. He has reached out to mediation but is threatening courts if I don’t go with what he wants.

I was going to offer we split the Xmas to make it’s fair, but he won’t like that as currently has the every other Christmas agreement with his ex, is that my problem?

he’s already threatened social services and police when I stood my ground and said no to him picking my daughter up before his other girls make her be in the car for over an hour and a half when she doesn’t need to be!
his girls are 8 and 10.

i feel this guy is trying to scare and bully me, what rights do I have?

I’m sure there will be great advice available on Mumsnet for you, but you will need to start your own thread rather than adding your situation to this one, or people might not notice it.

Please stop trying so hard to make things work for him. 6 days at your house means you can’t go out at all. If the morning naps don’t work then you can’t nip to the shops in the afternoon if that’s fitting in wiht your day etc etc, you can’t go stay the day at a friends house… I wouldn’t dream of just about daily contact. I also wouldn’t tell him I’m going into labour- the post birth period is not a time for someone to be attacking you, he’s not on your side. You are carrying this baby and you will be this baby’s primary carer in the early days, you have been poorly and you need to look after yourself so you can look after baby. He isn’t interested in your well-being.

Sorry I’ve skimmed a bit here, is this the man who took the only bed and fridge when he left?

If you were not married don't put him on birth certificate. I'd only let him see baby 3 times a week for 2 hours for first 6 weeks. I'd breastfeed too. Don't be bullied into expressing. After baby is 6 weeks tell him you will reassess depending on how baby is doing. During his 2 hours make him change nappies too.

Why are you bending over to accomplish this jerk?

Are you sure that he would even be a positive force in the child's life?

A really relevant one as a breast feeding baby needs to be with their mother.

My second bf experience was so much easier. No pain and a lot more straightforward

This is an old thread resurrected by a PP earlier. No need to keep adding advice as the situation was back in April.

Oh Lordy yes. I hope she’s ok now and someone launched him into the sun.

🤣

I also remember your previous post OP. Your comment re the spitting made me connect the dots.

You're being way too reasonable. This man is abusive and doesn't have the best interests of your baby at heart.

And the single thing I really think you should consider here is the birth certificate. Please, please don't put this man on it. You can add a father to a birth certificate at a later date, but you can't get one removed.

If he's on the birth cert he could refuse to hand the baby back, and he'll have automatic rights. You'll have to take him to court to get your baby back - the police won't be able to do anything. If he's being this wildly unreasonable, you need to protect both yourself and your unborn baby. Leave him off the birth certificate until he proves that he can be reasonable, and sustain a decent, reasonable co-parenting style. Do not trust an abusive man to act in a decent way. He's shown you who he is and the depths that he's willing to go to in order to punish you - believe him.

Oh FFS. Old thread.

That's what I get for surfing MN at nearly 4am 🤦🏻‍♀️😅

Are you in the U.K. ?
if so you are not even obligated to add him to the birth certificate for now . If you are breastfeeding then he will not get 60/50 for a very long time .
have you tried talking with him and explaining that baby needs mum above anyone else for a few months ? Does he not work ?