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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
Flickflak · 23/04/2022 09:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BreatheAndFocus · 23/04/2022 10:01

No - don’t offer anything like that. He’s still messing with your head. My ex was abusive and I absolutely know that compulsion to ‘be fair’, to placate, to keep him happy.

Firstly, it won’t work. You think he’ll see it as you being reasonable and showing good faith - but he won’t! He’ll see it only as an indicator of your weakness. Nothing you offer will be good enough, and the more you concede, the more he’ll demand. It is soul-destroying.

Don’t do it! Stand firm, be confident. Don’t tell him when you go into labour; don’t give the baby his surname; and don’t put him on the birth certificate. And don’t assume he won’t continue to bully you via email. Mine did. He kept me squashed down and on the back foot. I was so busy proving how reasonable I was and assuaging his fake ‘fears’ that I forgot what was best for me and baby.

He’s rejected your offer. Don’t make another one. Send a brief email saying something vague like you’re committed to Baby having a good, ongoing relationship with their father, then leave it.

MarriedThreeChildren · 23/04/2022 10:03

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:45

@CloseYourEyesAndSee he's offered to go to mediation after my proposal.

However following our relationship I'm doing work with the freedom programme (a programme to help women recognise abuse - his was verbal/psychological/emotional) and not only do I not have to attend mediation, their concern is that he will manipulate me in to making a decision I don't want to do. So we decided that email gives me the space to read, get the advice from the freedom programme about some of the things he says, reflect and respond.

I’d say he already has managed to manipulate you into something you dint really want.

What you are proposing is already way above what anyone else would propose, let alone to propose it to someone who is abusive.

In this context, I would NOT agree in anything just right now and use those weeks before the birth etc… to gather your thoughts and see what you really want.

eg it might feel right for him to spend 3 hours a day IN YOUR HOME after you’ve just given birth.
Or actually you might feel more fragile after the birth and want to be left alone. You might not want to have an abusive prick in your house that long, for example, telling you all the ways you are doing things wrong, messing about with the baby’s routine ‘because that baby has to be awake when I’m here’ etc….

Plus I suspect that, as you are going through the program, you might get stronger and not want to appease him all the time.

So I’d say. Don’t rush into agreeing things before the baby is here. See how you feel. How baby is, eg colicky or easy going etc…
His pressure to have 50/50 from birth is just another way to control you.

UnicornPooPoo · 23/04/2022 10:08

Totally unreasonable. This is all being done in his best interests, and to fuck you over, rather than in the interests of your daughter. If I were you, I'd get on down to the registry office sharpish after her birth and register her without him there. Then he won't even have parental rights. You can tell him face to face (not by text as there will be a record) that you're doing it on 'Thursday' and to meet you there. Then just do it earlier in the week.

To me, three hours a day from birth is far too much. I'd say one hour, three times a week, with once a day updates by text (one text message). After 3 months it can be reviewed.

Phobiaphobic · 23/04/2022 10:24

This is coercive and emotional abuse. He should want what's best for his child, not for him.

Hallyup89 · 23/04/2022 10:49

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about a father wanting equal contact with his child. Obviously this isn't the best idea initially, from a child development point of view, and I'm sure a court would take this into account, but so many women seem to think that they can get pregnant, split up and then dictate to the father. Babies have as much right to a relationship with their dad as their mum.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 10:51

Hallyup89 · 23/04/2022 10:49

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about a father wanting equal contact with his child. Obviously this isn't the best idea initially, from a child development point of view, and I'm sure a court would take this into account, but so many women seem to think that they can get pregnant, split up and then dictate to the father. Babies have as much right to a relationship with their dad as their mum.

He doesn't want 50:50 at a reasonable time though, he wants it from birth which is never in the child's best interests. Which means he isn't putting the child first already and it's not even arrived yet!

needmorethanthis · 23/04/2022 10:57

Make sure the midwives know not to let him in. You’re not obliged to tell him you are in labour. Get your birth plan sorted. Tell him the baby is here when you want. Don’t feel pressured to telling. You are in control. He left so the ball is now in your court. Enjoy a few days with your baby bonding before involving him

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 10:57

Hallyup89 · 23/04/2022 10:49

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about a father wanting equal contact with his child. Obviously this isn't the best idea initially, from a child development point of view, and I'm sure a court would take this into account, but so many women seem to think that they can get pregnant, split up and then dictate to the father. Babies have as much right to a relationship with their dad as their mum.

I made it very clear in the contact proposal that the reason I was offering 3 hours a day, 6 times a week was so that when the baby is of appropriate age, the contact between them is regular enough to one day merge in to a 5050 arrangement. I've never said he couldn't have that, just not from birth.

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 23/04/2022 10:58

The 50/50 is becoming common because it means they don’t have to pay any money

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 11:02

I've replied this by email (I've changed my number to have some space) ... When I read it back I just think are you mad?!?

If the proposal I've outlined isn't to your satisfaction, you are welcome to take the email I've sent outlining the proposal, to a mediator yourself for advice or to a solicitor, and seek their unbiased opinion on how that can be fairer for baby other than 6 days of contact per week, at varying times of the day for the first 12-15 weeks of baby's life, at the place where baby will need to settle in to a routine.

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 23/04/2022 11:04

He is being controlling and ridiculous.

For the after 15 weeks, look at how his current 50/50 works. Does he provide/parent 100% of his dc needs for his half time. Or is his dc ex packing up bags every few days? Anybody else caring for his dc in his 50% of time?

OakRowan · 23/04/2022 11:16

He left you, abandoned you pregnant and you want him there that often, he may as well not have gone. That's not a split, a separation. YABU to invite your abuser into your home at the most vulnerable stage for you and your baby. 6 days a week, 3 hours a day that's more than some dads who work will see their new babies, that kind of frequency is exposing yourself to much to potential harm and really your relationship isn't over, on that basis. I'm about to give birth, DH works 6 days a week, long hours and we will see him for the same, a few hours only teatime/bedtime and on Sundays and we are happily married with another DS.
What happens when you start arguing, he's shouting at you, or won't give you the baby back to nurse/hold/comfort, because its 'his' time, his child, in your home, his hours. This has such huge potential for harm to you and a newborn baby. Prevent it.

Raise your boundaries, protect your mental health, he isn't safe. You'll be sleep deprived, emotional, hormonal and someone who treats you like shit will be sat in your home talking to you and treating you how he likes, you are putting yourself in harm's way.
Your stress levels will go through the roof, the cortisol, this will affect everything, your mood, your milk supply potentially, your recovery, your ability to restBack off from him, properly.

Krakenchorus · 23/04/2022 11:18

What is he like as a dad to his other children? As a co-parent with their mother(s)?

Babyvenusplant · 23/04/2022 11:19

AngelinaFibres · 23/04/2022 09:28

How will he be working and having 2 other children 50/50 and spending 3 hours a day , six days a week at your house.

Exactly what I thought

Babyvenusplant · 23/04/2022 11:23

If you don't put him on the birth certificate that's an extra hurdle he'll have to deal with before he can get substantial contact and will give you more time 🙂

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 11:23

@Babyvenusplant his wfh schedule is quite flexible. I say flexible, he works for a council, basically signs on to the laptop and does nothing most of the day. There are days he's been napping in the afternoon 🤦‍♀️ so he can make it fit. The days he has his daughters in the night I've offered him to see baby in the morning (his daughter spat on my son multiple times which is what led to him leaving - so I'm not overly happy about his daughter being here as she has a problem with siblings getting attention)'

OP posts:
Branleuse · 23/04/2022 11:26

I would say hes being unreasonable and has clearly not researched attachment in babies at all. Courts do not ever order 50/50 from birth. Its not in the interests of the child.
Why did he leave when you were so heavily pregnant?

Im pretty sure, if this happened to me, with the knowledge I have now, I would register the baby by myself with my own name because otherwise he would gain PR and that would affect my own freedom of movement and decisionmaking but I would offer him to be able to spend time with the baby when it was born. I would not have him as a birth partner, but unless there was abuse then i would make sure I was offering reasonable contact, but I wouldnt entertain or worry about the 50/50 thing because it just wont happen. If he wants to take you to court, then you providing reasonable contact will go in your favour and he will be the one looking to be overly demanding for his own sake, not the childs.

He never married you before getting you pregnant, now hes fucked off leaving you at 30 bloody weeks and hes barking orders about taking the child and his rights? He doesnt have any at this stage.

BadNomad · 23/04/2022 11:27

Oh is this the guy that took the bed, fridge and sofa when he moved out leaving you nothing to sleep on? I wouldn't bother trying to be fair with him. He doesn't deserve it. Offer him less. He can wait.

Branleuse · 23/04/2022 11:33

I also think youre being too generous. Hes manipulating you and because its so soon after the breakup, youre susceptible.

Your priority is your baby and you. He absolutely doesnt need to have 50/50 in order to have a relationship with his child. Stand up for yourself. Youve been abused enough by him. If a man fertilises a woman and then fucks off. Why on earth should he be able to muck that woman around for the next couple of decades?

DoItAfraid · 23/04/2022 11:40

rogueone · 23/04/2022 07:10

It’s a ploy not to have to pay CMS. No judge will allow 50/50 from birth. Say no and let him
take you to court . You have shown yourself to be reasonable and he will look like an arse

Exactly this.

titchy · 23/04/2022 11:45

I'm thinking if I had offered any less imagine his reaction?!

Please don't offer him x, y, z to avoid his reaction. EVERYTHING you offer must be in your baby's best interests. Not a way to avoid conflict with him.

EatTheToast · 23/04/2022 11:51

Please don't put him on the birth certificate, it gives him parental responsibility. He could take baby from you and the police wouldn't be able to return her, whereas if he's not on there that would be kidnap. He can be added later if he can be arsed to go down that route.

A court won't force over nights until baby is over 1, so be careful how much you offer.

EatTheToast · 23/04/2022 11:53

There's really no need to speak to him again until the baby is born. Block him and enjoy your pregnancy. Leave it up to him to contact to ask if the baby is born and offer only what feels OK to you once she is here.

roarfeckingroarr · 23/04/2022 11:55

No way.

I advise you to breastfeed. He won't be able to take baby then.