Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

[Baby3at40]

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

It's a hint

Presumably he's working? How would he fit 50 50 for a baby when he's working?

If you clarify with yourself your bottom lines he can't manipulate you. If you know what you will settle for he can't pressure you into other ideas.

You KNOW what you want to offer and you can't sway from it as it's your best offer.

Don't be wishy washy with yourself I mean, so don't go in with 'well I could do four hours...' No, you are offering three. Three.

I agree with this.

He left you only 4 weeks ago and still thinks he can manipulate and bully you.

You don't need an unnecessary stress while pregnant...you would think such a doting loving father would realise that.

He is just continuing what he did when you were together.

Play hardball for you and your babies sake. Your friend has already told you you were being overly generous with your offer. I would be guided by her. If he stamps his feet and tries to take you to court he will look a fool.

Make sure you keep a diary of everything if you aren't.

I also definitely think you need someone there when he does visit.

I think after his response, I would retract the offer and state the reason why, he is being completely unreasonable, manipulative and trying to make you doubt yourself as a mother before the baby is even here.
He is totally out of order.

As you will know having a newborn is so exhausting the last thing you need is him putting you down 3 hours a day, 6 days a week. 🤦🏼‍♀️
The baby isn't even here yet and he's already started.

You made a very generous offer but it was one designed to placate him and not what's best for the baby or you. Even if you don't realise it, it was coerced rather than freely made. You're still under his control. I'm surprised a solicitor didn't see this and advise against it. What you must realise is you he will never accept your offers as reasonable and that doesn't mean you're wrong and he's right. Don't try to keep him happy. Focus on your baby's needs.

No court would grant 50:50 or even close and that he's asking for it illustrates clearly to anyone that he doesn't have the baby's interests in mind.

Having him in your house so regularly will be damaging to you and consequently to your baby. He doesn't control this situation. Don't give in.

What a total shit bag. So sorry you’re going through this. So mad for you.
You’ve been more than generous (I think I’d be more inclined to do an hour 2 or 3 times a week). It sounds like a way to control your day and make sure you can’t make plans without thinking about him. Can you have anyone with you during his visits? He seems like the type to gaslight you into thinking you aren’t doing a good job/you have PND etc.

OP, when my DS was a few months old, I kicked my ex out. But I let him continue to manipulate me and abuse me for years. It was so stressful for years. I had a friend whose husband left her when baby was tiny. She set very strong boundaries from the start, and stayed in control.

It really is important to see through his manipulation and do what is best for baby. He left you. His child deserves a relationship with dad, yes, but not to your detriment. And not until he proves himself worthy of respecting you, not crossing your boundaries, and paying maintenance once baby comes. You and baby to be are the priority here. Only contact by email, or third party for now, as he's sending you nasty messages.

I have not been in the same situation but my understanding from colleagues is that contact should be about the child's welfare and for a newborn being away from their mother is not recommended. Someone upthread mentioned lactation/breastfeeding. There is also a consensus now I think (NCT link) on how important it the 4th semester (0-3 months) is important for the child.

On that basis, I would suggest that any discussion about residential time away is pushed to after that period at the very least.

Oh that's even better
i mean it's not good that he was abusive of course but it's good that you have evidence of this and can skip mediation.

So he has two other children 50% of the time and left you before you gave birth, and wants the baby 50% of the time. What was the circumstances of conception, was the baby planned? I'd be concerned of his motives in getting you pregnant.

That's the point
no 50/50 for a newborn won't get granted and breastfeeding will be taken into account by the court

Sorry, I've just noticed he is abusive. You shouldn't be having him around. I would recind my offer and offer contact center contact.

OP I think you need to find another solicitor, you've not had good advice for your situation. Agreeing to this schedule with an abusive partner is not in your or your babies interests. Your solicitors advice might be good when dealing with another rational grown up but you're dealing with a manipulative prick. You said you're doing the freedom programme, is there anyone they could recommend you use who has experience dealing with these situations? You need specialist advice. Please don't agree to being alone with this man 6 days a week, this is a terrible idea xxx

You need to take back the offer. It'll be unbearable for you to have him there for three hours every single day. He will make your life an absolute misery. Having your best friend after three hours a day would be bad enough never mind having an abusive man. The chance of you ending up with PND is so high that you really can't go through with this.

Does he work, how on earth could he look after a newborn baby 50/50 and hold down a job. I remember evenings with my newborn son were a nightmare, only way he would stop crying was to constantly walk him around on shoulder. Perhaps offer him evening times.

i would tell your ex that you cannot make a decision until DD has arrived and therefore won’t be making any commitment to him visiting at the moment. If he doesn’t like it, then tough luck, he should have thought about it before leaving you both.

I'm pretty sure that he will change his mind after day 2.

I think your offer is generous - possibly over generous?

Reading you comments, both actual and between the lines, I think you are still a bit under his control? Understandable as he only left 4 weeks ago.

Is he the father of your other child? How many others has he got?

Have you relations, parents, brothers, sisters who are in a position to help both practically and to support you in this situation.

If he doesn’t get what he wants will he come round to the house? Do you need to consider changing the locks, pre-warning the police?

You’ve a lot on your plate at the moment, I hope it all goes well.

On reading your recent posts I think you need to stop being so generous. He doesnt need to know when your in labour, he doesnt need to be outside the room waiting. He is an abuser and you need to seek support and set clear boundaries from the off. 3hrs a day in your home with a new baby is far too much. You will be vulnerable post birth and need rl support. Surround yourself with support or this man will stomp all over you

Agree with this. When he sees how small and reliant on their parent a newborn is, he'll back off. Please try and enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy

I agree with this.

I think you have offered far too much and I am rather surprised that the solicitor didn't advise more strongly against it. It does sound as though she expressed some surprise to you, but you have pressed on ahead with your proposal.

Change your mind. You'll regret it if you don't. He won't be at the birth, register the birth on your own. You don't have to put him on the birth certificate.

How will he be working and having 2 other children 50/50 and spending 3 hours a day , six days a week at your house.

Oh, and why the hell would you tell him when you go into labour? Why would you want him loitering outside the door? You need your privacy from your bully then, surely!

do not tell him when you go into Labour. He doesn’t sound like the type of man to respect your boundaries.

^this. Your lawyer sounds as if she has overlooked his motives given the abuse you’ve mentioned. His demands are a continuation of this abuse and show he doesn’t give a flying fuck about what’s good for a newborn, the baby is simply a method for him to step in and out of your life at his choosing and continue or likely escalate his control of you and your baby. You don’t have to offer anything but you need to have that conversation with someone who knows what they’re doing in your type of circumstance.