Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

[Baby3at40]

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

Me too - I went against advice and bought nipple covers.. silicone ones ..

www.boots.com/mam-nipple-shields-size-1-10231687

I put these on when I fed baby and sterilized them (had a couple of pairs) .. I used them every feed...then every other feed - and it is what got me though the start

After a couple of weeks I was free of the silicon - and fed my first baby to 18 months and my second to 4 years... (First baby had a tongue tie - I wish I had known)

They made feeding less painful ... and for me got me through ... I had to persist - but I was highy motivated by feeding in the night without having to get up and warm up milk!

( I was told not to use them .. glad I did my own thing!)

OP I am in a similar boat. My ex was verbally/psychologically abuse and we muddled through until the birth only for him to decide to leave after she was 6 weeks while making me think he was going to change which caused me to lose £4000 on a rental deposit and rent before he pulled out and said he wants to go. He’s also been making similar threats.

I’m not sure if anyone knows if this is true but I’ve heard you should offer the minimum access now as the court will always consider the access he already has before making a call on access later down the line. So if tou give him 3 hours a day you’re already on the way to 50/50. I’d cut that back!

I'm sorry but please dont listen to posters saying they dont separate mum and baby under a year, no way they will agree to 50 50 etc.

I followed the mumsnet advice and threads and thought I'd be safe, went to court he got 50 50 from 5months, despite living miles away, dd breastfed, and no concerns about my parenting. They also ordered the surname change, it was horrific and I'm angry that on all these posts a false sense of security is provided. The courts first priority is for Dad to have access and meaningful contact.

I don't think perjuring herself in the family court is very good advice

Sounds like you managed the whole thing brilliantly! Congrats on baby and finding a way forwards.

Aw, what a lovely update. So glad it's working out so well for the three of you. All the best for your future.

Read the update - they’re back together.

So much for the Freedom Programme…

Family court is full of liars

Aspects of this don’t ring true or there are other issues here
a court would never award shared care with a five month old baby breastfed or not
secondly what do you mean they ordered a change of surname? To your partners? From yours?

You are asserting two quite extraordinary occurrences that are not standard or even accepted practice in uk family courts whatsoever

Unfortunately it is the truth, he got every other week. Absolutely no concerns or safeguarding from either party, he had contact and access two mornings a week prior to that, but went to court for more and got it. Never denied him anything, except I hadn't put his name on BC and baby had my surname, so it was court ordered to double barrelled one. Every sol I contacted advised it would go 50 50, and that is what happened despite arguing DD was b/f and the distance between houses wouldn't be suitable, its every other week until 3 and then to every other weekend once she attends school nursery. I argued that this set up would be more disruptive but it was all about father relationship and that being substantial and meaningful.

My point is that I had read all the posts on mumsnet, had my own where people gave advice, trusted the courts to be sensible and it didnt go that way. Am I bitter? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Can I do anything about it? No. I just want to give people a heads up on similar threads, sort it before it goes to court as the advice given about not putting on b/c is great until it goes in front of a judge and you get bollocked for it.

The reason I hadn't put him on cert was it took weeks from telling him dd had arrived for him to ask to meet her, at that point she had been registered as I hadn't heard from him. Yet I still got pulled up on it.

Don’t tell him you are in labour. Text him when you are good and ready post birth and allow a trusted relative (preferrably male) to take the baby out for a quick cuddle in full sight of staff in case of any issues. Or don’t even do that. You could also warn the staff your abusive ex may try and crash in and that he’s not allowed near you under any circumstances.

@HocusPocus03 thank you for sharing your story, I think it’s important to hear these as we all often get too caught up in this safety net that sometimes doesn’t exist. I’m so sorry this happened to you. How far away did he live from you? Are you sure the penalisation came from you not putting him on BC? I’ve had this advice (not to do that) and am hearing it can be seen as unreasonable if it does go to court. They stopped you from BC to ensure the dad had access?! I’m so so sorry.
If you have any other insights from the court I’m really keen to hear as I worry this could be me in a few months (my DD is 2 months now.)

I’m sorry but it is not common practice at all for uk family court to award shared care in relation to a five month old baby. What is encouraged is regular daytime contact and things like bath time bedtime possible even but not overnight stays certainly not half of them away from their mother.

If you are not married then unless you register the birth together you cannot put him down anyway.

Because if she says it, her ex can’t have the baby I guess….

Sorry other exception to an unmarried father registering the birth would be via a court order or declaration

Which doesn’t appear to be correct. Get some legal advice OP.

He sounds like a dick. You do what you want to do! And this is man saying this.

They ordered you to change your childs surname from yours to his name?????

So he's scrounging off tax payers money. You are well and truly rid of him OP.

I'd offer less time tbh. He walked out when you're weeks away from giving birth, give tge AH a round of applause (not).

First post deleted so I'll edit 🙄 all you women that are calling this man for wanting access from birth would lynch the same man if he wanted nothing to do with the baby until it was 3 months old, it's HIS CHILD TOO! Why shouldn't he get the same time to bond with his baby as the mother does? Unless he's abusive or a risk to the baby then every single father should get equal rights, this country sucks for father's rights!

For clarity, it is a biological advantage for a newborn baby to have one primary caregiver and as the woman who gave birth its usually the mother except under pretty rare circumstances.

Secondly the rights are all the childs, not the fathers and UK courts are actually pretty strict in demanding both parents have access to the child, even in circumstances when the child would be better off without the dad.

in the uk we have parental responsibilities, rather than parental rights.

it’s a subtle difference but an important one.

Er, THE FATHER HAS STEPPED UP AND THEYRE CO-PARENTING AND HAPPY. 🙄