Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

[Baby3at40]

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

What sort of question is that???
Maybe she will, maybe she won't!

HNRTT but the good thing is that you've made an overly generous offer in writing which he rejected and you have advice. In practice, you probably don't want an ex anywhere near the birth when you are vulnerable nor in your home 3 hours a day like a spare tool. Let him crack on and set your boundaries more to suit you (nowhere near the delivery at all and nowhere near you for the first 6 months would be what I'd say based on his rejection and if he spouts rubbish about 'bonding' then that's different for men, IME) and let him seek redress and show your exceptionally reasonable offer wasn't enough.

Is he an ex because of unreasonable, controlling behaviour by any chance?

Good luck and hope the birth goes well.

Please don’t let him come with you when you register the birth. You’ll give him equal parental responsibility. He could make your life hell for the next two decades with that: having a legal say in schooling, travel etc. it’s not worth it.

My ex walked when I was pregnant with my eldest. He was utterly vile to me. I didn’t have him added to the birth cert (we weren’t married when my eldest was born, and he wasn’t there when I registered the birth) until ex had proven beyond a doubt that he would be a good and involved father, and respectful to me. It took him 3yrs to get over himself, properly sort his shit out and apologise to me for being so vile…and then another 3yrs of me seeing how ex was with me, and my eldest, re-establishing contact and so on. Only from then did I agree to him being added to birth certificate. My eldest is 15 now, and I have a really good coparenting relationship with ex.

don’t tell him when you go into labour. You really don’t need him causing you trouble then. Good luck x

If you are breastfeeding, he’ll not get a full 2 hours probably between feeds when he can look after baby on his own without you. Maybe 1 hour ….and then what? Babies feed and sleep. Is he suggesting you wake baby when he rocks up no matter if you’ve just settled it, change a nappy, feed and settle baby , baby falls asleep for dad to wake it up and bounce it around for an hour? Wtf does he think babies do?

as others have said , for all sorts of reasons, you should give breastfeeding serious thought to help your baby establish a close bond with you. For all of reasons some posters have said and all the normal reasons.

there is a reasons mothers are given maternity leave- not only to heal and recover form the enormous physical burden of growing a baby for 9 months out of their own bodily resources, but to provide intimate care for that baby and permit the mother and baby to give breastfeeding the best shot they can.

do not concede time to your ex that will remove this right you have been given in law to allow that process to happen. He will disrupt it. He has no reason to. A baby will not bond with anything much at that stage other than who is providing to its essential needs. At best ex is putting his entitlement to feel bonding with such a young baby over the babies needs, or playing stupid games with you around financial support at cost to his own child. Either are not a good look

a father who really cared about the baby would ask for something like a couple of 1 hour or less visits each day during first 3-4 months , with gradually increases until the child was through the whole separation anxiety piece and was fully weaned.

@GeminiTwin

What sort of question is that??? Maybe she will, maybe she won't!

I think that poster made the breastfeeding comment in the same way that people on here say "it's a shame you've just tested positive for covid, isn't it?" when people are asking how to get out of a social thing.

I think they meant OP should say she is even if she isn't, in order to combat this guys batshit ideas about having 50:50 care from birth instead of prioritising the baby's needs and then reassessing once the baby is a bit older.

I would simply respond to say that 50/50 from birth is not in the interests of the baby. That you have made your contact offer and the only alterations to that that you are prepared to make would be on days/times of visits. Anything other than this he will need to make an application to court (as mediation is not feasible due to circumstances).

I would then say that you need now to concentration on yours and baby's health and wellbeing and that you will contact him again when baby has arrived to further plans.

And then I would simply ignore any further contact.

Concentrate on your baby and your son. Try and de-stress as much as possible to help with your birth. Prep what you can for baby/ds and you once you are home.

If you feel he will attempt to turn up at your house flag you address with the police so that you get a speedy response if needed.
When you next see your midwife tell her what is happening. Ask her to put the flags on your notes that he is abusive and trying to take the baby 50/50 - so he should not be allowed any information about you medically nor should they allow him access to the labour suite/ward. They will have seen this hundreds of time - and likely alot worse than you are at - so will be prepared and have plans to out in place. Much better they know in advance than try and deal with as it happens.

Let him try. Won't happen

Are your the poster who has separated from her DP and his 8yr old DD had been spitting on your oldest DS? You had a good relationship with his ex but he threw that under the bus by sharing an email you sent him about his DD behaviour?

stay strong and rescind the offer of 3hrs a day for 6 days a week from birth . It’s excessive and you need to surround yourself with support not abusers

The issue I've put up about 5050 is the more pressing issue and something I needed some MN support/see if anyone had experience of such a muppet.

The things he's put in this email though!

I've been fainting throughout pregnancy and for the first few months found it really hard to lift my head from the pillow though nausea, and couldn't eat much in those months as a lot made me feel awful - he's accused me of faking all pregnancy related illness!

He's said that he's never heard of any pregnancy that was as incapacitating as mine (from December I've had really good days where I could go for a run then really bad days where I have felt emotional, exhausted and light headed even though iron levels are fine). This wasnt something I was expecting as with my son I was running 8k at 8 months pregnant - that was when I was 25 and I'm now 39.

I actually cannot believe he's accused me of faking these symptoms - this would be Oscar level stuff if i had!! The cheek!!

@theremustonlybeone that's me!!

I've just told him to take my email and get advice as he clearly hasn't and if a judge sees him rejecting what I've offered he's going to look ridiculous

Offer him 6 pm to 6am 7 days a week!

seriously it is so unreasonable that the more reasonable you are the more access a court will give. Eg you offer 3 hours a day 6 days a week a court offers 5 hours a day 6 days a week - how do you get any peace and bonding.

If he was abusive, don’t allow him any contact, let him take you to court. Your baby only needs YOU in the first few months, he/she will gain nothing from contact with their father. There is plenty of time to build a relationship if he still wants to when the child is older.
It sounds like he is still trying to control you. Don’t let him.

Do not put his name on the birth cert.

I haven't read full thread OP, but I would not be putting an abusive ex on the birth certificate. He could refuse to return her from contact, for instance, and the police would be very restricted in what they could do. Think very hard- him having parental responsibility could give him the power to continue to control aspects of your and her life. Why would you give him that power?

Not deliberately under lined 🤔

I agree not to tell him when you are in labour.

3 hours a day is too much too - per week is more like it.

Honestly, I would be going in very hard ball. If he has been abusive to you, and has failed to safeguard your other child from sibling attacks, then he is not fit to have unsupervised contact. Also, it is setting a very high baseline should he go to court for 50 50 parental responsibility and custody. He will use the fact that he already had an established relationship as a stick to beat you.

Your future dd is a person, not some toy to be shared out equally.

Having him in close proximity to you for that amount of time is going to be seriously damaging to your mental health. I would be suggesting 30 minutes, twice a week maximum, with a third party supervising, such as at a contact centre.

I agree with all the other posters saying under no circumstances should you put him on the birth certificate or give his surname to the baby.

Please stop trying to be reasonable. You are making a rod for your own back. Also, get better legal advice.

I would be making the point that he is already working full time, and has 2 other children on a 50 50 basis. Given the attacks on your child from his DC which he failed to prevent or even recognise as an issue, you will need to ensure you safeguard this baby by not allowing them near her.

I would get my solicitor to send a new letter outlining the coercive control and emotional abuse towards you and your ds. Highlight that you have been more than reasonable in offering contact (I honestly think this was very misguided) and his rejection of this very generous offer indicates that he does not have this child's best interests at heart, but that he is attempting to use contact as a means to further control you. Highlight him removing essential furniture from your home as a further example of him not having the child's interests at heart. Tell him that as he has refused your already more than reasonable offer, and that due to his abuse mediation is not suitable, then he will need to pursue the matter through the courts. In the Interim, you will not be engaging with him on this issue as it is causing unnecessary stress for you which could damage the baby.

Basically, you need to reset the baseline expectation

He doesn't have your child's best interests at heart if he is demanding 50/50 care of a newborn baby. This is all about two things:

1. Continuing to abuse you by exerting control

2. Not wanting to pay child maintenance

I hope your lawyer is well versed in domestic abuse. If not then you may want to find a different lawyer. Whatever you agree to with this man, he is going to kick off about something or other. He just wants to fuck with you basically.

Also OP, he's not furious about not being able to attend the birth.

He is furious because you said no to him.

If your ex abused you to the extent you are talking to women's aid and doing the freedom programme, I think having him in your house for 3 hours per day is way way too much.

I appreciate my little boy was a toddler when we separated but that man has never stepped over the threshold into my house and never will.

What strikes me is this is all about what he is demanding. You've been trained to think of his demands and needs. There's nothing about what you want. Do you have any real life support? Friends and family near to you?

I think the fact he has another child that is spitting through jealousy is a worry. I would be concerned about that. Do you think he's a good father to his children and will deal with this behaviour?

The things he is saying about your pregnancy are disgusting. Keep going on that Freedom programme. If it went to court, just FYI, you do have the chance to detail the abuse you've suffered. You may even get legal aid ( postcode lottery...I didn't but you might).

Please ignore the man as much as possible until the birth for your own good. Do not tell him when you are in labour or at the very least instruct the midwives clearly that you do not want him there and he's abused you.

💯

In those first few weeks baby will be asleep alot what are you going to do with him in your home for 3 hours with a sleeping baby?

You will want to nap, recover from birth, maybe shower, go to the toilet to try and poo etc these things aren't going to happen with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

You wouldn't invite him around if you were ill or recovering from surgery. Look after yourself and get some proper advice, the person that has let you offer 3 hours a day 6 days a week is crazy!

Thanks everyone. There's still a lot of work for me to do clearly.

One of his emails yesterday which I didn't bite to said he feels like coming to my home to see the baby was me making my home in to a contact centre with me supervising him and the baby, he wants to be able to have one on one time with the baby without me watching over him.

Will seek advice on this comment tomorrow but what do people think about this?

He'd have to arrange a contact centre instead then by going to court. If you have ss involved make sure they know you can't trust him.