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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 23/04/2022 07:51

I think you have offered far too much. You won't want him in your home that much, especially with a newborn baby.

Mamabananananana · 23/04/2022 07:51

Hahhahhaa
id hand over the baby for a few days and watch him crumble! His ridiculous 50/50 will soon disappear...
idiot.
hes trying to control you. Stop being so ameniable!
As others have said: pre arranged times a few days a week.
get it set in stone. Hes no chance especially in the first few months
and he can visit the baby in the ward when hes called to- are you really going to go through labour worrying about sorting Ex out after?

Jobseeker19 · 23/04/2022 07:52

No one has to witness you breastfeeding.

Just say you are and that they are feeding infrequently.

I would not be arranging 3 hours a day contact either. That means you have to see him everyday.

Perfect28 · 23/04/2022 07:53

I would say I'm breastfeeding regardless, then he can't really argue it. As an aside it's definitely worth reading the evidence based birth article on suspected larger babies. Good luck OP

Charley50 · 23/04/2022 07:54

I think your offer was more than generous, and as he was verbally and emotionally abusive, I would rescind your offer. He shouldn't be in your home, and he will try and bully you into doing things you don't want to do. He might insist on taking the baby and not bring them back for hours.

There are contact centres where he will be supervised. I'd offer that once a week or something.

Glad you have got some support now, he sounds like a complete wanker. These type of men need to be given very firm boundaries or they walk all over you; speaking from experience. Good luck and stay firm Flowers

Duckstuck · 23/04/2022 07:54

Wouldn't usually suggest it as a weapon of sorts, but honestly if you can absolutely breastfeed...

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:55

Jobseeker19 · 23/04/2022 07:52

No one has to witness you breastfeeding.

Just say you are and that they are feeding infrequently.

I would not be arranging 3 hours a day contact either. That means you have to see him everyday.

I understand it's a lot. I gave him time slots for 6 days a week and said he can attend some or all but that I'd offer that much.

I'm thinking if I had offered any less imagine his reaction?! If he thinks 6 days a week at varying times isn't enough! I've offered some mornings, some afternoons and some evenings so baby experiences every time of day with him too! To think what I could offer him!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 23/04/2022 07:55

And I would also say I was breastfeeding, whether I was or not. Probably until ages about 8!

LollyLol · 23/04/2022 07:58

On the breastfeeding - up if you want to give it a proper try - nipple shields, and nipples do toughen up, especially as those early days your baby will cluster feed and it can feel hellish.

your offer to your ex is generous.

Do you think the 5050 request is designed to punish you, or genuinely he wants that level of contact?

Charley50 · 23/04/2022 07:58

He left you! He doesn't get to demand all these things. You're going to be the one loving and caring for the baby, he can fuck off. He can prove himself a caring father by paying for his child and playing nicely and caringly when he sees them. If he can do that, and be respectful of you, you'll want him to see his child more often as they get bigger

Mamabananananana · 23/04/2022 08:06

And darling OP, youll be too shattered to have him in your house trying to control things six days a week! Youll end up agreeing to shit and hell try to argue with you- so make sure there's someone with you so he cany manipulate you
what kind of "father " thinks its reasonable to have a tiny baby away from their mother, to soothe hos ego?

Sunflowergirl1 · 23/04/2022 08:08

I would advise you to wait until the baby has arrived and then offer what you feel you can cope with. Having him three hours a day virtually every day of the week is probably unrealistic for you having to manage daily tasks. Don't forget new babies need to sleep a lot and better sleeping in a quiet bedroom and that doesn't leave much time after feeding etc.

His demands are unreasonable....totally. I do agree with other contributors and no judge is going to award 50/50 at this stage....prob not even considered until we'll last one year with evidence of extensive involvement.

It does sound more of an attempt to avoid maintenance. The reality would be very different

Jobseeker19 · 23/04/2022 08:09

I would say.

"I have changed my mind. I have decided that I want private time to bond with my baby without the stress of arranging contact. If you have an issue with this take me to court but it will be expensive and no court is going to force a baby from their main food source. I will contact you when I am available for visits and I will have someone with me when you do visit. If you keep contacting me outside of agreed times I will phone the police and say you are intimidating me. This will not bode well for you in the future."

Op, I would also be careful that he doesn't try to paint a picture of you as a bad mother. He may have motives that you don't know about.

Are you able to get away for a few months to stay with family? Thays what I would do. You have to reset boundaries. Also do not bring him with you when you register the baby as it give him extra rights. If he asks you when you are going lie.

TheGirlWhoLived · 23/04/2022 08:09

I would also be planning to breastfeed. Whether you are or do is completely inconsequential… to establish the proper routine and give best chance then he can’t possibly have 50-50. If ‘breastfeeding’ doesn’t work out after 15 weeks then that’s another matter

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 08:10

LollyLol · 23/04/2022 07:58

On the breastfeeding - up if you want to give it a proper try - nipple shields, and nipples do toughen up, especially as those early days your baby will cluster feed and it can feel hellish.

your offer to your ex is generous.

Do you think the 5050 request is designed to punish you, or genuinely he wants that level of contact?

I think he does genuinely want it and thinks it's fair from birth. He has 5050 of his other two daughters at the moment who are 8 and 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 08:12

Charley50 · 23/04/2022 07:58

He left you! He doesn't get to demand all these things. You're going to be the one loving and caring for the baby, he can fuck off. He can prove himself a caring father by paying for his child and playing nicely and caringly when he sees them. If he can do that, and be respectful of you, you'll want him to see his child more often as they get bigger

He actually said in response to my 3 hours a day six days a week...

"I just hope she doesn’t resent you for depriving her of a loving relationship with her dad".

Wtf 🤦‍♀️ did he even read what I sent?! I sent that I was doing this as she will be a newborn and that these will be baby steps that will work towards a 5050 routine when it's age appropriate to implement!

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 23/04/2022 08:13

I think your offer is far too generous, and would be to your own and the baby’s disadvantage.
So, as he has rejected that offer, I’d withdraw it, and instead offer minimal supervised contact.
50/50 would be unworkable with a newborn breastfeeding baby and no court would order it. Your Ex is doing this so he doesn’t have to pay any maintenance.

Dont put him on the birth certificate, he would have to attend the registration appointment with you in order to be included on the certificate, so just go alone to see the registrar.

I'd be wary of attending mediation if I were you, it will just give him a chance to bully you.

LIZS · 23/04/2022 08:14

Were you married? If not he has to be present to be registered on the birth certificate. Was he abusive? How long were you together, long enough to see him care for his dds as younger toddlers/ babies? If he works how could he do 50:50 for a newborn? It sounds like a bluff and surprised you were advised to offer so much contact.

RinklyRomaine · 23/04/2022 08:23

Resent you? Hardly. She might not think much of the man who tried to wrench her from her mother 50% of her life from birth, though.

You're trying to be too accommodating. Nothing you offer will be enough. 50/50 is madness before the child is 2. It's not fair on the baby, who gives a fuck if it's fair on him? She comes first and needs a primary attachment. A court simply wouldn't order you to do this, and in all honesty it would be capitulating to abuse to agree. 15 weeks would be lunacy, and having this co trolling pig in your home 6 days a week when you are so vulnerable is asking for trouble.

Write back that in light of his demands you are reconsidering his ability to put the child first and can offer 2 hours, twice a week, supervised until such time you feel he is putting her needs above his own. He can request the days, which will then need 2 weeks written notice if he wants to change them. If he doesn't agree, that's fine. Let a court decide. They won't favour him. Suggest he tries to force his presence during the birth on you via court at the same time. Nothing says abusive like insisting on traumatising a woman during birth. Then put it from your mind and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 23/04/2022 08:23

You're offering him a lot already, I can't see him getting 50/50 with a baby. Little and often is the advice I've seen for babies, contact is about the child's best interests, not what he wants.

With the nipple pain if you would like to try and breastfeed longer or just be less painful for the few weeks, I found nipple shields were a big help. Pain breastfeeding can also be from how baby attaches, things like tongue ties. Had this with one of our younger DC. That may have been the cause of the pain with your older DC.

sirensscreech · 23/04/2022 08:25

I suggest you stop being so accommodating of him. Change your mind and let him go to court.

You can't have a man who bullies you in your home 3 hours a day.

Cheesechips · 23/04/2022 08:27

sirensscreech · 23/04/2022 08:25

I suggest you stop being so accommodating of him. Change your mind and let him go to court.

You can't have a man who bullies you in your home 3 hours a day.

Agree with this. Also might be hard getting him out the door after 3 hours is he's manipulative and bullying.

Duckstuck · 23/04/2022 08:28

sirensscreech · 23/04/2022 08:25

I suggest you stop being so accommodating of him. Change your mind and let him go to court.

You can't have a man who bullies you in your home 3 hours a day.

Yes this is good advice, you have tried to be amicable but it isn't going to work.

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 08:29

Tlollj · 23/04/2022 06:58

You’ll be breastfeeding though, won’t you?

Not if he gets 50/50 she won't. It's the first 12 weeks to establish supply. There's also the fourth trimester. Baby needs mum in the first four months at least. Does such a request usually get granted?

Loopytiles · 23/04/2022 08:29

3 hours a day is much too much: would offer less.

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