Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

you feeling the pressure now, OP?

your spelling and grammar is dropping

One thing that I forgot to mention is that we nearly lost my wife with the birth of our first and that is still a real fear of mine.

Hi Jenny,

The pressure is mounting alright, that and I'm trying to work and flick back to here aswell. I guess thats one stereotype I fit, I can't multi-task.

Are you doing research for an article? I am a bit suspicious

I am Catholic so when I took my vows we pledged to bring children into it. I wouldn't have got married to someone who wouldn't. Also ended a relationship with long term partner who was unsir about children.

I feel sorry for her.

How do you think it will affect the children? If you separate they will br brought up by separated parents. Happens every day. It doesn't have to mean they will be damaged by it. What's your question really? Can you ever trust her again? We don't know.

Hmmmmm

NotBanksy, the op has been told by me and others that the contraception issue is unacceptable. Fwiw, I dont agree that the op should have needed to have a vacectomy at this point if his wife told him she was on the pill. He certainly should accept the slim chance that it would fail but he shouldn't have to worry about her deliberately stopping taking it. As I said, such a thing would be a dealbreaker for me and the end if my marriage.

However, the op didn't help himself by spouting crap about how his dw's salary didn't cover childcare and nonsense about why would she want kids and to work. He, may feel that in order to be a good parent his wife needs to sah but she obviously disagrees, as do many posters here.

Northwestman, the child will be fine either way. If you leave or if you stay.

The child will be happier with two happy parents whether they are together or apart. In an ideal world you would stay. You are not a coward for wanting to leave or wanting to stay

yeah, me too mrsmeerkat

I have lots of sympathy for you. I'm not going to comment on things you could/should have done.

It sounds like there is too much unsaid between you and your wife. I would try really hard to have an honest conversation with her about whether there was a desire for her to get pregnant and if she knew she was trying (she could have been trying to get pregnant subconsciously but still have been in a bit of denial about the whole thing).

I have no doubt that you will try your hardest to be a good father to the second one. I hear it's against your 'selfish' nature (I'm the same) but that you've made a real effort to engage with this. The fact you love your son comes through strongly.

The job situation sounds really tough, I hear that you struggle with the pressure and feel anxiety about constantly performing. And I can hear that you feel the weight of providing for your family strongly. It sounds to me like you're not in the natural job for you as the anxiety about providing overwhelms the gains and leads to internal conflict. If you can consider a change - just make space for the possibility you might need to for your own health.

Good luck

That's a fairly important thing to forget. I would have thought that would be up there on your list of important reasons why you don't want another child.

Like Cassie, DP believed for a while I did it on purpose. It did take time to rebuild the trust - years, not months. However we did manage to create something that worked between us in the end and are still together. The children don't know anything about it and seem happy enough.

That's a bit unnecessary, isn't it Jenny? A criticism of the OP's spelling and grammar, a suggestion that he's a troll or a journalist and then the last comment!

You're insinuating that the OP's responsible for his wife's health. whatever happened to women being free agents and responsible for themselves?

well, she can't get pregnant by herself, can she?

Really you ought to have questioned why your wife didn't want you to have a vasectomy if you were so sure you wouldn't be having any more children together.
I can't really understand how you wouldn't have done that.

If I 100% didn't want more children, as a man, I'd get a vasectomy. You should get one now! ASAP.

I don't think you'll solve your (valid) marriage trust issues here. I would recommend counselling to help with that, and with communication between yourself and your wife.

and if you read my previous post, i was complimenting the OP on their writing style

I don't sell Magazines, nor am I reporter but that assumption did make me chuckle.

I've sold alot of products over the years however at the moment I am selling long haul luxury holidays around £10,000 - £15,000 in gross value.

I'm sorry if talking about the finacial aspect of eveerything painted a negative picture but I thought it was rather important. Perhaps I should change career however there is no other profession that would offer the opportunity of earning what I can.

No Jenny but she can prevent pregnancy or childbirth all by herself. If she chooses of course.

I have seen several discussions on here about how if a woman had sex with a man, and the chosen method of contraception was condoms, and then without her knowledge he didn't wear one/took it off midway, then that would be rape because he would have had sex with her in a manner to which she had not consented. Fair enough.

But as soon as it is the other way around, suddenly it's 'oh well oh should take care of your own contraception blah blah blah'. Why the double standard?

And if you are in a long term relationship sun as the OPs then you are not going to 'check' about contraception each time anyway. I think most women would feel incredibly pissed off, patronised and untrusted if their partner asked them if they had taken their pill reliably every time they had sex.

Conniebaby I agree with you and your right, it wasn't all posters, just a high majority.

As for child care comments I feel it is a woman's choice if/when/how she wants to work, all families are different and each to their own.

However from the ops point of view, he's discovered that his wife has wanted another child so badly that she has completely breached his trust and threaten the marriage by tricking him into getting pregnant.

I suppose the op is wondering why go to such lengths if going back to work after ML is the intention?

Addressing the issue of not getting the snip, I 100% don't want children now but I'm only 28, things could change in the future. In 3 or 4 years I may have changed my mind.

Also if I would've pushed with the snip there is no doubt in my mind that would've ruined the relationship and the reason I didn't get one secretly is it wouldn't have been fair on my wife.

In 3 or 4 years we may have been in a very different situation where there isn't as much pressure on either of us and then we could have revisted the issue. At the moment, the pressure is just going to keep building and building.

Thank you for yourcomments and your opinions, even though it may come across that I am not taking them on board or giving them their true weight I can assure you that I am deeply considering each one.

This is ridiculous!

I think you are getting a real hard time of it OP and you don't sound like (to me) a troll, an undercover investigative journalist or otherwise. Unfortunately you have fallen into the true nest of vipers. Everyone has opinions etc and I would like to add mine.

Firstly I don't think you were stupid, unreliable or naive for expecting your wife to take the pill that she said she was taking. Marriages are based on TRUST. If it was making her feel awful then she could talk to you and be RESPONSIBLE. Your a man - not a bloody mind reader. Accidents do happen, infrequently, and the first may have been just that - an accident. I don't think it necessarily equates to tricking you both times.

That said - she came off the pill on her own (perfectly her right to do - but the not telling you part is the main issue), had intercourse (which can of course folks lead to pregnancy) knowing that she was off the pill, and has fallen pregnant.

Is she happy with the pregnancy?

I think it takes a lot of balls to stand up and say - you know what, being a parent is bloody difficult, it takes time - strain - effort. Lack of sleep, lack of finances, lack of luxury holidays, lack of space etc etc etc. Yes you get a fantastic reward, but its not for everyone! It is the reason we're stopping at 2. And that's because I'M SELFISH. I want my life back. I want my time back.

I'll agree with you as well that there is little point planning for a child to then plan on putting it in nursery 37.5 hours a week. Others disagree, fair enough. But it seems like you don't want that. It's your choice too.

I would address the trust issue mainly - as that would be the deal breaker for me. If she could have suggested coming off the pill and you hadn't heard her or something, then a baby is on it's way - joint responsibility - and you have to think how to support each other going forward.

If she has DELIBERATELY stopped taking birth control in order to have a baby and has not told you, then this is a breach of your trust, and I personally would have to leave any situation or relationship where I couldn't fully trust my partner. You shouldn't have to have the bloody snip!!! As you can't trust your WIFE to just give up her birth control whenever she feels like it?!

Madness....