Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

[DuelingFanjo]

Not sure what you are asking either.

Do you love your wife
Do you love your child
Do you want to give 110% [sic]

Only you know the reality so you do why you want to do IMO how can people on here help you with this?

If you are having difficulty loving her then seek some counselling from a professional.

[FenellaFellorick]

You need to talk to her.

Tell her everything you're telling us.

Accept that that means she may see you in a different way. But she needs to know what you're thinking. She has the right to know the strength of your feeling and that you are considering whether or not you even want to stay with her.

She also may want to consider that, but you have to accept that.

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

OP I'm giving you support here - I find a lot of the PPs to be unfairly aggressive and rude. You have been honest in your views and in your assessment of yourself.

Ref birth control - again, people are being unreasonable. If someone - ie your dear wife, who presumably you love and trust - says they are on the pill, why would any husband say "Great, but I don't really trust you so I'm going to use a condom all the time if that's OK?". How does that work in a healthy marriage?

This is a really, really difficult situation. I do think you need to be honest with your DW and say how unhappy you are. I think you're right - you've either got to suck it up or leave .

[NorthWestMan]

Why are my comments about childcare offensive?

I believe that it is equal responsibility of both parents to look after the children, I've never said any different. I'm sorry if it offends you that I believe if you have the option to stay at home and look after the children I assume you would take it if you were so adamant about having a family. Maybe I'm not understanding the reasons why someone would have a child but in my mind if you want a child, you want to raise them, you want ro creat a family unit then why wouldn't you want to spend as much time bonding and growing with them?

Maybe my mindset is completely different to others, who knows. All I know is that when I want to something I got for it 110%. Look, I know that being with a child 24 hours a day would drive anyone nuts, at least thats my assumption. Thats were I come in as a dad is to give my wife a bit of breathing space when I come in from work and to give her some free time at the weekend aswell.

Out of interest, how many comments are from ladies and how many from men? I'm not trying to cause a ruckuss, just asking a simple question.

[binspin]

wow you're getting a hard time!

Seems you can't do right on here or at home op!

Do you want to stay in the relationship? Forget what others will think. What do you want?

[DuelingFanjo]

Your comments about childcare are offensive because it implies that you believe any woman who uses childcare doesn't care about or love their children. Presumably you believe all men who work and have children in childcare are unfeeling bastards who don't want children.

Your delivery is offensive towards all the women who have no choice but to work to live and to all women who want to work to remain independent and to all women who want to work because they just want to bloody well work and doing so shouldn't stop them from having children.

It makes you sound like an arse.

[ConnieBaby]

Your comments are offensive because you are basically saying that the only reason to return to work would be financial.

I spent 4yrs at university to qualify at my job. I love it and I wanted to be a mum. Are the 2 mutually exclusive? Should I have to decide between the 2? Can I not be a mum and work?

[DuelingFanjo]

And there is no such thing as 110%. You can't give 110% and you are fooling yourself if you think you can.

[NorthWestMan]

Hi BinSpin,

I knew I would get a hard time, that was one of the reasons I posted. There's not point me asking people who are going to pander to me. I wanted brutal, honest and ubiassed opinions.

I'm not 100% sure I want to stay in the relationship, I've been soul searching for a week about that.

[DuelingFanjo]

You said in your OP you think you should leave.
But you are too scared to leave.

If you think you should leave then you probably don't love or like your wife at all.

If you don't want to be a coward stay, get counselling, tell her how you feel, do your best to make it work and get the snip.

[NorthWestMan]

I'm not saying that you cant be a mum and work, neither am I saying you cant be a dad and work.

I don't care if you are a man or a woman, how long you went to Uni for, how many promotions you've had, what your salary is. It is my view, and my view alone that if you have a child you should want to spend as much time with them as humanly possible. Is that wrong?

[TheMadnessOfMN]

NorthWestMan, I think you need to know for a start that although it's posted in Dadsnet your thread has come up in active conversations and as far as I can discern from the user names I'm acquainted with the majority of the responses you've got are from women.

I think it's fair to tell you that you'd get a different response completely (IMHO and in my experience of MN) if you were a woman posting that she'd been tricked into getting pregnant and didn't want to be in the situation for whatever reason. If you want a different point of view I'd suggest you seek out a forum by men, for men because what you'll get here is not going to be entirely objective.

In response to your quandry, what would I do? I'd leave. Once the trust has gone, it's gone. What kind of a man does that make you? One who's not prepared to spend his life with a deceitful partner.

N.B. I agree with the posters who've pulled you up on childcare outgoings. It's an expense which should come out of the joint pot. You should never, ever wield power over your wife to indicate that she can only work if she can afford the childcare out of her salary alone.

[DuelingFanjo]

You did 'dump them on a nursery' offensive offensive offensive.

[DuelingFanjo]

And you asked for advice, most people think you should get the snip. Other people s any get counselling.

What's do you want to hear?

[ConnieBaby]

Look, if she has indeed lied to you re the contraception then that's a fundamental breach of trust. Only you can decide whether you can move on from that and get over it or whether it means your marriage is over.

You are talking bollocks re childcare and having children though and being very disingenuous towards the myriad of reasons why (mothers and fathers) work.

Something about the way you post though just strikes me as though this is just the tip of the iceberg or an excuse to get out. Your posts strike me as though you either don't love you wife or don't respect her or both.

[TheMadnessOfMN]

"my view alone that if you have a child you should want to spend as much time with them as humanly possible. Is that wrong?"

Yes. Unless you're planning to give up your job and be a stay at home dad any time soon?

Many of us are better parents for having a career or "just" a job outside of the home.

[Fleecyleesy]

The thing is, it's too late now she is pregnant. Regardless of whether you stay or go, you will have two children to parent and pay for. As things stand, I think you should stay and try to get back on track.
But get the snip or use condoms. Whilst you don't deserve to be tricked into a pregnancy, you should take responsibility.

[Feckeggblue]

Echoing the others who said you should've had a vasectomy

[ConnieBaby]

it is my view and my view alone that if you have a child you should want to spend as much te with them as is humanly possible, is that wrong?

It's not wrong that this is your view. It's wrong to expect it to be your wife's view too.

[hidingfromthem]

should've had a vasectomy then.
i have no sympathy for you.
if you were that bent on not having another child, you should have sorted yourself out.
if its any consolation, you're only one of tens of thousands of men caught out like this very year.
ya'll should form a club.

[pinkyredrose]

OP did you and your wife talk about having children before you married? If you did what was the result? If you didn't, why not?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I want to spend as much time with my child as possible, but that doesn't preclude going out to work part of the week. Your assumption that preferring staying at home is the default position for women is completely incorrect. If that were the case, why wouldn't you quit your job or go part time so you can spend as much time with them as possible? Oh right, because you do the manly job of bringing in the money. So sexist!
Anyway, the way you talk about your wife (moaning about the wedding she wanted etc) isn't very loving or respectful. I'm not sure what chance you have really.

[Cassie258]

I wanted a family but I also want breaks. Work is that and pays for everything. You can't be surrounded by kids all the time.

I love chocolate but I can't roll around in it all day. I need more.

We can have both.

I'm female btw and no I wouldn't get pregnant without DPs consent but he believes I did. I have been the other party in your issue.

If you want to pm me, I can help as much as possible

[NorthWestMan]

If I could give up work and be a stay at home dad I would snatch your hand off.

Im not being disrespectful about my wife in any way or form. The reason that I take the strain over the bills is that I should take the pressure, I guess that does make me old fashion and shows that I have little respect for my wife as I don't want here to worry about paying the bills.

What do I want to hear? I want to hear peoples thoughts about what the future could hold for the children, I know everyone thinks Im a ass, I'm not particulary effected by that. I only have 3 years experience being a dad and dont have any experience of older children, Im concerned how this will effect the children in the future.

[NotBanksy]

This is ridiculous. If the op posted as a woman wanting to trick her dh into having a baby there would be hell up! Hundreds of posters would be lining up to tell her she was BU.

If he was a woman who's husband had tampered with her contraception to make her pregnant hundreds of posters would line up, talking about emotional/sexual abuse and hand holding to LTB! But because he's make, he should man up ignore this gross violation of trust because he should have had a medical operation to prevent him from ever having children again. Or, tell her he didn't trust her and always wore condoms.

I can't imaging most women here telling another woman she should have a hysterectomy if her husband wanted children and she didn't

OP you have a right to be deeply upset and hurt by this. This is not not normal behaviour in a relationship.