Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

Yes, although I agree with what you are saying in general, you have made yourself sound like quite the dickhead in your OP. Maybe if you had gone easy on the sexist shite then some (but by no means all of course, you are a man and this is MN) may have been more sympathetic.

Theimprobablegirl, Exactly!!

Thank you ImprobableGirl.

She's happy with the pregnancy, really happy. But then again I'm not sure if that is because alot of her friends are pregnant or have just had children and she's seeing all the good stuff.

Well I think you're being completely honest here and in typical MN style you're taking a beating as you are not just saying what people want to hear.

Ok, so you should've gone ahead with the vasectomy if you were adamant you did not want any more children. Even if she had remained on the pill it is not 100% effective and there was always a small chance she could get pregnant again and I'm sure you were aware of that. So the fact that she is indeed pregnant, pill or not is not just down to her, you have to take responsibility here too. That said, your wife was very wrong to stop the pill without telling you, so you do need to sit down and talk openly about how you feel and make sure you get booked in for that vasectomy, no ifs or buts. If she hits the roof again then it may well be time to walk away as you both want different things from the relationship. If she agrees then I would work on your relationship - you said yourself that you may have agreed to another child later down the line so don't punish this baby for arriving too early if you truly love your wife.

Regarding childcare, I do understand what you are trying to say. I became a SAHM after my last child as it didn't make sense for me to return to work as we would've paid out more money for someone else to look after our baby than I would have earned. It would've put extra pressure on my husband who works incredibly long hours already and also would've significantly reduced the amount of time we both got to spend with our children. Each to their own and all that, but that was our choice.

Mn can be amazing, it can also be shit.

Would posters be treating you the same if you were a women? like fuck they would.

Would you and your partner go to counselling? Does she see that there is an issue?

Your partner is the one who should be getting this grief not you. You openly stated that you didn't want a child. You trusted your wife when she said she was responsible for protection (you should be able to trust your wife!), you've been tricked but according to mn YOU are in the wrong!!!

As a previous poster said, I couldn't be in a relationship where I didn't trust my partner especially on something as important as birth control. I admire you for not running a mile, many would and I think that is what people on here are waiting for you to do.

Do you have any RL support OP?

You really need to have a sit down conversation with her about what happens next. For me personally the trust is gone and I would end the relationship.

If that is what you want, then you really need to start looking to put the wheels in motion sooner rather than later.

You're all right, I did come across as dickhead, I should've rewritten the lines which came across sexist. Believe it or not I'm actually not sexist at all and come from a single parent female dominated household.

Okay, let's take a deep breath here. I'm gonna ignore the stuff about childcare (which is insulting to working mum's re dumping your kids) and also some of the question marks raised about respect to your wife etc.

If she has indeed taken a break from the pill without stressing this to you and knowing that you are sexually active and fertile, this is not acceptable. I also understand that it would call into question her first pregnancy. The main point is that you need to talk to her about this - however, it also means that you have to accept her answer and move on.

Because she is pregnant, you need to start having some very serious, very grown up conversations. Firstly, how far on is she - is she still within a period where (if it was appropriate and suitable TO BOTH OF YOU) that she would be able to have a termination? Is that something that both of you could / would consider? Sit down and look seriously at your finances - can you afford this child? Can you cut some of the expensive bits (iPhone habits, SkyTV etc). Can you shift any work hours around to minimise child care for both? Can either of you look at changing your job for a more stable one - sales is unstable but many places offer salaried sales as opposed to commission based pay.

Once you have established the decisions about the child, you need to think about each other. Do you both feel committed to this relationship? Are you willing to stay? You need to have a frank and honest discussion about your entire relationship - from your joint input into the marriage, both economically and emotionally, to your needs and wants which are and are not being met.

IF after all this you are keeping the baby and staying together, you HAVE to sort out your contraception, be that condoms, hormonal contraception, vasectomy etc. Ironically, this is the perfect time as you have probably 7 or 8 months to bash this out. If you are adamant you do not want a third child (or a second if the decision is made to terminate), you need to sort this WITH your wife, not wholly rely on her if she is unhappy with that

Hi Banksy,

Im not 100% with some of the akronyms on here and I don't understand what 'Do you have any RL support OP?' means but from the tone of your message I'm guessing that it isn't a bashing.

You need to learn to talk and to listen to your wife, she needs to learn to talk and listen to you.

You didn't want the wedding, you didn't want your son, you don't want this baby?

She says she did tell you that she was off the pill. If you had expressed to her that you only wanted a second child in a couple of years, I can see that she could have told you she was taking a contraceptive break in a more laissez-faire way than if you had expressed that you never wanted another baby. Do you see what I mean? She perhaps didn't realise it was such a big thing to you. And she didn't bother to check twice that you were actually listening.

It could be that she is looking at it with rose tinted glasses, babies are wonderful little snuffly things (and on the flipside two is a lot lot easier to deal with imo - the transition from 1 to 2 is one i found amazingly easy and fun - smallest has just turned 1)

I think the only thing you can do is talk to your wife. Make her see that if she has taken this decision on her own, then that is manipulating and conniving. She must see that this is a serious breach of trust and will potentially lose her her marriage.

Incidentally, a reflection of a good dad is one which has the strength to get out of a broken relationship (if that's what is happening) in order to be a good role model.

The crux of all this is that she is now pregnant. You are going to be (god-willing) a father of two, whether you are ready or not tbh. I would separate the issue of the baby from the trust issue with your wife. To give a conceivable mindset - she could've possibly though "he didn't want our first... but loves him now he's here - he'll feel the same with the second" - she could've thought she told you and that you were on board with it - she could have thought she could have intercourse without getting pregnant. But you will only ever know this through a long long chat

Hello WyldChyld.

I don't think Termination is a option, regardless of how I feel about more children it is not fair for me to rob her of the chance to become a mum again. I think you are right, we need to have some serious discussions.

OhNo I completely agree with you re; the condom thing. People are too quick to say 'well you should have worn a condom shouldn't you?' as if that's a neat solution to the whole issue. The fact is that most women would be very offended or deeply suspicious if their DHs were to insist on condoms throughout the whole of the woman's fertile years, in spite of being told she was using a pretty reliable form of BC herself. We KNOW this logically, yet we still trot it out like it's a realistic and perfectly normal occurrence in a long term monogamous relationship for men to 'double up' that women never bat an eyelid at, or take issue with. That is just simply not true.

Really it's just a very convenient way for some women to deflect the fact that they actually quite like being able to decide when to get PG without prior consent from the man, should they choose to. Fine, if he's expressed no preference, made no attempt to use condoms or even made any enquiries as to the woman's BC arrangements either way - then he'll just have to deal with the consequences of his own lack of care, won't he?

But it's a bit fucking much if he's been truly been led to believe you are on the pill and you've just made an executive decision to come off it without informing him clearly and unambiguously of the fact.

I read a thread where a woman's boyfriend got a vasectomy without discussing it with her first, even though he'd always been completely upfront with her that he did not want children and she had accepted this.

Someone actually said that to continue to have sex without telling her was tantamount to rape because just in case she might be trying to get PG she deserved to know whether she stood a real chance of conceiving or not. And that by not declaring his inability to impregnate her he was tricking her and grooming her into sex under false pretences.

But there was never any understanding or agreement either implicit or explicit that they might try for a child one day, whereas there was an explicit spoken agreement they would not have children. So I totally fail to see how this could ever be construed as him being seucally abusive and controlling of her. When people have consensual sex it is the sex alone they are agreeing to, not the automatic right to try to conceive without the other's knowledge or permission. People said the man was selfish and cowardly and cruel for denying her the choice to change her mind about children, as though he had fuck all say in it! For what? For doing EXACTLY what everyone on here says men should be doing - taking responsibility for their own fertility!

Northwest RL = real life. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this. Mumsnet can be great to hear a variety of different options and advice, but I find it's always useful if you have someone to talk with face to face.

North - in that case, if you have ruled out termination, you need to sit down together and have a serious discussion about your marriage, your finances and everything else above.

I would also suggest that if you two do get through this, you have to get some counselling as this has been a big shock (and to your eyes, understandably, a breach of trust) and you will need help rebuilding this. Relate are wonderful, and particularly with the strain of a new baby which you didn't want, will hopefully make the transition easier.

I also agree with Improbable that as hard as it can be, you need to realise that leaving your wife would not make you necessarily a bad father - what would make you one depends on your behaviour following this. There are lots of posters out there who come from very broken home with parents "sticking together for the kids" and are far more harmed than those with healthily divorced parents

ihavenevermet good point, well made

Hello Northwest,

You had the discussion about babies prior to getting married yes? You both agreed to no babies but then your wife accidentally got pregnant and you both found out at 7 months? Then nine months later she is accidentally pg again?

Or.... You said you didn't want kids, she said she did?

What was the situation at the outset?

It seems to me (reading between the lines a bit) that your wife wanted kids but you have been adamant you don't and she has 'accidentally' got pg because she knows there is no other way. Yes, she has deceived you and yes, you now have suspicions and trust issues and are panicked/worried about money and finances. To be honest, I think the practical side of things re jobs, childcare etc are the least of your worries. It is the relationship that needs some attention.

There are a couple of things to address:

Is your desire to not have children more important than your wife's desire to have them? If you're not in agreement then who gets to decide? (By the way, I don't know, I'm just throwing it out there.)

Now your wife is pregnant, whether it was a genuine accident or a purposeful deceit and you know that she is happy to be pregnant, you must choose whether you stay and support emotionally, as part of the family unit, or split because of broken trust and arrange maintenance and access visits for your DS and baby to be.

I don't go along with people saying you should have used condoms/had the snip, but I don't think it is entirely fair for one partner to impose their wishes on the other with something as massive as having a family. That's why I think you need to be a bit clearer about what your wife's wishes were. Did she get a choice at all about when/if you had kids?

I've not read all of the comments so far, but the first page a lot of the women sound awful! His wife lied to him about birth control! How would some of the women feel if the guy said he'd out a condom on but he actually didn't and you got pregnant? Would it be your fault to as you should of had your tubes tied?

The point is you already have one child and another on the way. That's a fact. So it's up to you whether you shape up and be a father to those two children or leave. A lot of women do get pregnant even though their partners aren't keen. You will have to do some very clear thinking of what the future is to be. What's to stop your wife doing this a third or fourth time.

I can't believe people are using the 'should have had a vasectomy then' as a way of totally sidestepping the fact that she came off the pill without telling him (supposedly because it wasn't agreeing with her [her] and is now completely delighted to be PG.

He's been totally stitched up. Vasectomy or no vasectomy, so much or trust and respect in a marriage.

OP I feel for you we know a man who was put through this exact situation, he took a 8month voluntary posting the otherside of the world, left his wife to give birth on her own and deal with the whole new born thing on her own, he returned him and the relationship is icy to say the least

it amazes me that women feel its right to get pregnant and can just stop a mutually agreed contraception, failure is one thing but to actively deceive the person you love is just mind boggling to me.

You both need to sit down and decode what you want from the marriage and if there is indeed any point in continuing due to the obvious trust issues

OP, have a think about the 2 child family, its pretty good, its what most of us would like. I have two sons, they are 20 and 24 now, get along great, always have, they are the joy of DH and my life. There is nothing wrong with just ne child but I feel our family dynamic is better for having two. If we go away as a family now the sons are not just with their middle aged parents, they have each other for company. Early on on this thread you mentioned the possibility f having another child later, the problem is there never is a god time to have a child, the sleepless nights, extra expense etc. etc. and no one ever feels they have enough money to finance it all.

There are many arguments that it is better to have your children close together and given your age you will be free of dependent children at around 50, which is good news. If you had put it off and put it off as planned the niggles between you and your wife would have gone on and on.

I'm no expert on the trust/relationship side of things but I hope you can resolve it. After discussion with our wife I think you should book a vasectomy now, and look forward to a happy and complete family.

I think it's sad that a husband can't trust their wife to take a pill. That would be a massive issue for me.

Imagine if a woman came on here and told us her partner had been putting holes in the condoms, would any of you say 'well you should have been on the pill'. No you wouldn't

OP a lot of the things you said make you sound to be a bit of a dick to be honest, but I do feel for you on this and think she's completely out of order. Personally I couldn't stay with someone who would do this to me, but you must have a relationship with your children. It's not their fault.

You're right AnthonyHopkins - it is a respect and trust issue, but if a couple are married and they have opposing ideas about starting a family, who gets to decide? It's not fair that Northwestman is now expecting a baby he didn't want, but is it fair that his wife might really have wanted a baby and was just told no by NWM? She shouldn't have stopped the pill and tricked NWM but maybe she didn't feel there was any point talking to him to discuss the idea of another baby as she knew he would not be willing to consider her wishes. In which case, there are fundamental problems in the marriage anyway.

then craps she should have left the relationship and found a man that was on the same page as her not trick a man into becoming a father which he is obviously very much against. I can't imagine the atmosphere let alone with a new born chucked in to it