Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

Ah I missed a few posts there, shitty slow phone! Well a sibling will be nice for your child and you will love the child, but what a sneak !

The youngest is a girl and a right daddies girl at that. I guess I've got painted nails etc to look forward too :)

I've read the full thread. I can't believe the harsh comments you faced. I also can't believe how manipulative your wife was. But I am glad you had the safe arrival of your daughter and that life is good.

SOunds to me OP you were led into thinking its a match with her, but the fact that you if your honest didn't want kids and this will break the relationship. Sounds like your mrs is a child person and you are not.

no harm in that, I don't want kids and made sure in dating even if I liked them if we didn't match on this then I wouldn't be wasting any time with them. Sadly as you found out, people lie when they get into relationships some times. I guess the only way to have stopped this was getting the snip.

hi everyone

im 30 years old , im a father for 3 years old son , me and my wife had many problems even before we had our son , at that time i was going to leave here then she said that she was pregnant , so we agreed on trying to stay togethere for our child , also we agreed that we shouldn't have children before solving our problems and bring another in a helathy family better than two parents that always fights ,
she is agressive , physicaly agressive a tried many things to adjust here behavior , she tries for a month than a discussion happens and she return to be agressive ,
im suffering from anxiety which made me think 1000 time before leaving , always thinking that we should seperate than anxiety makes it hard very hard to me to take decision , now she is pregnant we haven't been having sex without protection ,
months ago we started to get a long so we agreed on having sex without condom on here birthday but she will take a pill before .
at that time i started to feel better and coping with my anxiety .
after one week of here birthday we arguef and she got agressive again very agressive during the fight she said "right now i have my second child you go away and leave us all i wanted is a second child"

i thought that this was and angery answer , but than i discovered that she is realy pregnant and that she planned for it and didn't take the pill

im feeling very , i don't know what to do , if with one shilde i wasn't able to seperate now with two it harder ,
any advice

I literally just joined mumsnet to reply to this thread (didn't realise that it was so old initially).

It seems a lot of the very harsh comments you got initially came from women (not sure why they are on the dadsnet bit...)

When you are in a marriage you tend to trust each other and accept a very small risk of failed contraception. But it is based on a mutual trust.

If someone deliberately betrays that trust then it is unfair to blame the victim of that betrayal of trust. It's basically victim blaming and for me is similar to the "If you didn't want to get raped you shouldn't have worn skimpy clothes and got drunk" line.

These people who have been downright insulting to you should be ashamed of themselves and I bet they would have had an entirely different view point if the genders had been the other way round.

You dared to share your worries with strangers in the hope of finding some guidance and instead you got bile, blame and shaming.

I hope you are feeling better now and that you are managing to enjoy your new life, but I totally understand how difficult it must be trying to balance being a good dad vs being in a happy relationship / home.

It seems a lot of the very harsh comments you got initially came from women (not sure why they are on the dadsnet bit...)
For the same reason men hang around the main site?

It's basically victim blaming and for me is similar to the "If you didn't want to get raped you shouldn't have worn skimpy clothes and got drunk" line.
Its amazing how stupid some people can be.

Just signed up after lurking for ages to say how tangible the double standards are on here!

There's currently a thread in the women's rights section about a man who's been charged with rape for putting holes in a condom. I'm not saying you should have your wife arrested OP, but this situation is certainly not far off the one I mention!

And what's with all the mardy women waiting in the dadsnet section to pounce on men!

It seems a lot of the very harsh comments you got initially came from women (not sure why they are on the dadsnet bit...)
For the same reason men hang around the main site?

Main site is for parents (slogan is 'by parents for parents') but this section is for dads. A better analogy would be men hanging around the women's rights section pouncing on female posters, which is highly disapproved of.

I feel so sad for your wife if she ever finds this thread.

Such an old thread but i dunno why the wife is to blame. If he felt so strong about having no kids he should have had the snip. Simples. Very selfish of guys to rely on women to sort contraception.

You should have gotten the snip.

The Pill is absolutely rotten for women 99% of the time and plays havoc with their physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.

Also, you noted that you don't want another child but have you really taken the time to discuss this with your wife in detail taking into consideration her feelings? It seems not.

@ManOfPies

And what's with all the mardy women waiting in the dadsnet section to pounce on men!

Be fair, everybody needs a hobby . 😊

I have never wanted kids... my other half got pregnant....
It was an accident but we rolled with it and now I wouldn't change it for the world. At the same time there is no way I want more, so do you know what. I took responsibility and went and had the snip.

I get you are probably angry this has happened but it takes two to tango and you cant put the whole thing on the other half

I don’t think you sound selfish. You sound hurt and frustrated. If there have been arguments you’re both probably upset. Also sounds like you’re trying to work out how to make it all work. It’s possible a spouse will just assume more kids are ok after the first baby - but if that doesn’t match your partner’s expectations it will cause huge tension. Give it time and keep talking to each other. Try and keep an open mind about solutions. I know that’s easy to say when I’m no longer in sleepless nappy hell myself but it gets easier. Something like 75% of children are unplanned. A midwife told me!

I am truly astounded by the lack of compassion toward you and your situation. I am a mother of three and I never respond to posts, but after reading the responses, my heart went out to you. Sounds, to me, like a lot of bitter, resentful women out there. I’d bet money on it.

You have every right to be skeptical of your wife, and no matter whether you are the husband or the wife, losing trust in one another is absolutely devastating. I am sorry you are going through that.

Your wife doesn’t sound like she understands your stresses of having another child. My husband is the sole breadwinner and he was in shock when we accidentally got pregnant with a third. I was thrilled - he was not. But I do not understand the pressure of financially supporting a family. He experiences this nearly every second of the day and while we have been fortunate, it takes a toll on him. I have my stresses as the mother and he has his stresses as the father. We do not understand each others’ stresses but we must try to for the sake of keeping peace and harmony within our relationship.

As for women wanting children then immediately going back to work? I don’t get it either. I never have. So you aren’t alone there, despite the mounds of shit you received from these responders.

As Dr. Malcom once said, “Life, uh, finds a way.” Perhaps this was at the sneaky hand of your wife, perhaps not. The best thing you can do is approach the conversation calmly and matter-of-factly. “These are the reasons I am worried about having another baby. These are the stresses I carry. I trusted you to take care of it on your end, but now you’re pregnant and, to be honest, I am skeptical. Did you get pregnant on purpose?”

if you approach it in a respectful and honest way, she should respond respectfully and show some empathy. If she does not, you have larger problems that must be ironed out if this relationship has any chance.

We are all selfish before having children. We have absolutely no idea what it takes until we jump in. Those first few years are so so difficult and demanding. Kids should get easier, so start working on communication with your wife and building up that trust. If you want to be a good father and she wants to be a good mother, work on your marriage. That’s the greatest gift you can give your children.

Good luck to you.