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Original poster

Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

417 replies

NorthWestMan · 24/04/2015 09:35

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
30somethingm · 23/09/2015 00:13

Did you decide what to do OP? I'm going to have the snip I think after reading this thread!

Foxtrot26 · 16/03/2016 18:59

very difficult situation to find yourself in,

regardless of whats happened you have a wonderful son and your soon going to have another little un. That's a given and isn't going to change, and for their sakes you need to get to the bottom of things, both the issues between yourself and your wife and your own personal issues. you really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your OH first an foremost

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 16:01

Wear a condom then.

HeyRoly · 04/02/2017 16:06

ZOMBIE THREAD

AdaColeman · 04/02/2017 16:10

The child will be a toddler by now so a bit late for any advice! Grin

Zombie Thread Zombie Thread

martinabiddle · 07/02/2017 02:41

My first Post,
Hi All,
I thought it would be useful to connect with others who are subject to the vagaries of life.

My hope was that this site would would offer the opportunity for people to share their troubles and by reaching out with honesty and (perhaps overdue )insight, others may have the heart and generosity to welcome that and offer the opportunity for a humanitarian insight and support.

How disappointing...........................It seems to be have taken over by Trolls, who feel it is there right, to anomalously, deride those that have the courage to reach out for support.

Perhaps those that spout such venom, behind the shield of anonymity could find the courage to include their facebook details and share their words with the wider word.

Go on, you feel you have the right to say what you want, so clearly you have the courage of you convictions.

Share these posts with your wife, girlfriend, mother, father, all your relatives, your friends, your boss at work, the friendly staff at the local shop, your mates down the pub, or at your local club meeting.

We live in a country where we have the right of free speech, that comes with the responsibility of of not abusing it.

If you you have not got the courage to defend your opinions, just keep them to yourself.

Martin

Chinnygirl · 07/02/2017 03:34
  1. Have the snip.
  2. Move to a cheaper home.
Chinnygirl · 07/02/2017 03:35

Oh and I wouldn't get pregnant against DP's wishes. I would however leave him because it's important to me.

Jeanne51 · 17/02/2017 03:04

I don't think you are selfish. I think you are young. Your concerns are legitimate. You can.
Leave
Stay
Have a secret vasectomy.
Terminate the pregnancy.
However when you are older you may regret things.
Think hard and weigh up the pros and cons. How much do you love your wife. How much do you love your child. You sound like a good responsible person who is under stress. Unlike others your wife needs to take responsibility too. Can you claim child tax credits etc

Jeanne51 · 17/02/2017 03:06

F**k yeah

Beelzebop · 17/02/2017 03:52

If you didn't want kids you should have worn a condom.

Hatemylifenow · 17/02/2017 04:14

Guys this thread is from 2015

ScarletForYa · 17/02/2017 04:28

Jeanne51 you re-animated a zombie thread, look at the date. ^^

Dowser · 13/03/2017 19:35

Having read quite a bit of it, I'd like to know what happened in the end?

Original poster
NorthWestMan · 18/04/2017 07:36

Wow. Just seen this thread is going, I'm touched.

I'll catch up on the replies and respond shortly.

A brief update, we're still together, I have a amazing daughter and beautiful son who I love to bits. However it has come at a price, I don't trust my wife very much, I've had the snip against her wishes and our second life isn't there anymore. I still love her nd love my kids I've just had to sacrifice a lot to be with them. Bit that's parenthood right?

OP posts:
Serowe72 · 18/04/2017 07:43

Thanks for the update. Glad you stayed, to work at it. I'm sure your family is too.

Original poster
NorthWestMan · 18/04/2017 07:45

I'm incredibly close with my kids. And as brutal as it may sound they are the only reason that I am here. I didn't choose to be a dad (either time) but it's my responsibility to be the best I can be.

OP posts:
Maggy74653 · 18/04/2017 09:17

Just read this entire thread and I know it is from a long time ago but my view changed completely from the start to the end.

OP I admire your commitment to your kids and what is best for them. I do believe your wife engineered the pregnancy by letting it accidentally happen on purpose. I'm fairly certain the same thing happened to someone I'm close to. I can see how things can never be the same again for you with your wife.

I wish you, your daughter and your son all the best for the future.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 18/04/2017 09:25

Another one here wishing you and your family health and happiness...you're a good man OP...x

Original poster
NorthWestMan · 18/04/2017 09:52

Thank you for your wishes.

I must admit after posting here I'm the first place I went through a bit of a bad patch, mentally. Especially with the comments of Should've worn a condom, all your fault etc so if anyone is in a similar position I would advise ignoring these vicious, uneducated comments. Decide on what you want and and what price you are willing to pay for it.

Don't shoulder the responsibility yourself as these comments suggest you do, that takes away from the power of your wife. It is her responsibility just as, if not as much as yours and that has to be a important part of your decision.

I came to the realisation that I couldn't trust her regarding family planning, even when we had agreed to something so I made the decision to remove her from the equation and have had the snip.

Good luck everyone.

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 18/04/2017 09:57

Good luck op, I hope it all works out for you both. You can do this Flowers

nachogazpacho · 18/04/2017 10:41

I'm glad you are enjoying your children op but sad to hear you could not rebuild the trust. Just goes to show how making babies should be a joint decision. I knew a woman who did this and her partner left, never saw the child but paid csa and that child grew up knowing they weren't wanted by their father. It was a major contributer to their mental health state. So good to hear your children won't carry this pain too.

Littleraincloud · 18/04/2017 10:56

Youve had a contraception failure, only because your wife took charge you are laying the blame on her. If the failure was a split condom who would you blame and how would you feel if she blamed you? To a bystander it could appear your wife is less keen than you to have a baby, as she took precautions. You both DTD, you are both responsible.

Original poster
NorthWestMan · 18/04/2017 11:30

Not sure you've read the thread little rain. She wanted another, I said no. We'd agreed she would take the pill, her choice not mine forced upon her. She doesn't like condoms for one reason or another (in hindsight maybe her losing control).

When she announced she was pregnant she said she had told me she was coming off the pill, which she didn't.

What has happened is in the past but her actions has resulted in a loss of trust and I have had a permanent solution taking the control away from her. What was once a agreed issue (family planning) is now entirely on my terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthWestMan · 18/04/2017 11:33

If the condom would've split then it would have been just one of those things however there is a difference between a inanimate object failing and a human consciously choosing not to take the precautions that she suggested and agreed too.

OP posts:
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