Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

[YonicScrewdriver]

OP's wife said she'd told him, though. It's possible she did and he wasn't really listening, or she told a friend and forgot she hadn't actually told him, or that she said something a bit ambiguous ("ahh, I'm so sick of feeling shit, if the next pill I try doesn't work I'm giving it up!") or that she deliberately didn't and knows she didn't.

[NorthWestMan]

Its interesting to see how this thread has developed, it seems to have become a little less emotionally charged and a little more rational.

I'm not sure if I will be able to trust her again.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Then DON'T trust her with contraception again, it doesn't mean you have to throw your marriage down the toilet! Both children will still exist, she will still exist, and they will all still remain in your life to a certain extent. You could walk away and go and fall in love with a woman who then lets you know that actually she wants a family too...

If you love your wife, work on your marriage. You may not have wanted children, but would you be happy with another man in the home reading them bedtime stories and eating dinner with them instead of you? I know it's an emotive image, but it's also what's likely to happen!

There is also a real possibility that the pregnancy WAS an accident. These things happen. My ex and I used condoms faithfully, it still happened! If I were you (and I know this wouldn't be a popular opinion) I'd just get a vasectomy without telling her. From what I hear there are no telltale signs externally, and you won't have to worry about the window of time you may still be fertile as she's pregnant already! That may even things up in your mind, and hopefully mean no more children. Then you can work on cherishing what you have. People throw their families away far too easily these days. If your only issue is this one (and I know it's a big one) you can solve it and move on.

[emotionsecho]

I may be re-hashing old ground here but I just want to pull you up on your comment about 'snatching someone's hand off' if they gave you the option to be a stay at home parent, no, you wouldn't and if you are being totally honest you'd admit that.

Why do I say this, because you've admitted you're selfish, not a natural dad, have to work hard to be a good dad, believe being a good dad is being a good provider, and that is your part of the 'contract'. Old fashioned and sexist, I'm afraid.

I suspect that deep down you think it's the easy option being at home all day, you can waft about, watch TV, etc. Children are demanding, you constantly have to think for two instead of just pleasing yourself or doing something on a whim, interruption is their forte, and that's just a very mild overview. It can also be incredibly isolating being a SAHP.

[TheMadnessOfMN]

"It's not fair that Northwestman is now expecting a baby he didn't want, but is it fair that his wife might really have wanted a baby and was just told no by NWM?"

He said no. She had three choices. Where were his? She could accept his decision. Or leave him and find someone who did want children.
Or go behind his back, lie, deceive and get pregnant anyway.

Going into spoilt little madam mode and deceiving her husband to get what she wanted is deeply, deeply unpleasant.

[IhavenevermetAnthonyHead]

crapfat If a woman is denied the chance to have children with a particular man (as is the man's right) she is perfectly at liberty to end the relationship and seek a new one elsewhere with a man who does want children. If time is against her she can use a sperm donor. It's a bit shit on the poor woman if she's always been told 'maybe next year darling, let's discuss it then' and she's constantly had the carrot and stick dangled in front of her for years on end, only to have it snatched away at the 11th hour when he announces he doesn't want children after all, but it's up to the woman to take a view on how long she is prepared to wait for a bloke to change his mind or to be ready.

I would rain shit down on any man or woman who cruelly kept their partner hanging on for children while deep down suspecting all along that they would never be ready, but in the end WE ARE ALL AS ENTITLED as the next person to take charge of our own lives and our own decisions about whether to reproduce or not. We don't owe anyone else anything except honesty in that regard.

Anyone with a shred of compassion or decency would not knowingly do that to a partner they profess to love, but should take steps to make their position clear and allow them to make an informed choice to stay, and live with it, or to move on and start again in good time to conceive, even if it broke their heart to let them go. That is what a decent person would do.

That said, if someone has been honest with you (as the OP has been with his wife) I do not ever condone tricking someone and presenting them with a fait accomplis. It's just not on.

[emotionsecho]

You do need to seriously talk to your wife. If you do want to stay you should also discuss and agree that you will have a vasectomy now.

[IhavenevermetAnthonyHead]

I reckon that by 'telling him' about coming off the pill she deliberately made some vague and ambiguous comments about how she thought it might be disagreeing with her and that she might rethink other methods and then just left it dangling, knowing full well that it was her get out of jail free card and she could look all wide eyed and innocent and say 'but I did tell you….'

[Quitelikely]

I would be furious too. I would leave. I hate it when women deceive men into having children they don't want.

[NorthWestMan]

I would love the chance to stay at home with my Son full time. Yes there are the boring things but being able to take him to the park everyday, paint pictures, draw, teach him to read, teach him values and fill in mind with the idea that anything is possible would be wonderful. Instead I see him fully at weekends and if I'm lucky for a hour on a Thursday or Friday night.

I am old fashioned because I dont like my Son watching hours of TV, I prefer him to play with blocks, read books, draw, paint. I'm a strong believer that communication skills are key to life and I would do my best to ensure he the strongest skills possible.

Unfortunately it is not possible. Yes I am selfish but when I am with my Son he is 100% of my focus. I dont doubt that it can be isolating.

I don't buy into the dad being the main provider at all.I must be comming across unclear, I have the capacity to fully fund the household, by my other half going out to work the bills increase as she cannot earn what it costs in childcare and transportation to work. As I have the capacity to fully fund the household which is what I do then, in my opinion, it is my resposibility to do so. If the shoe was on the other foot then I wouldn't work.

Its a crazy situation when it costs more to work then you earn.

[IhavenevermetAnthonyHead]

And let's not forget, she already does have a child - it's not like he was denying her the chance of motherhood at all.

Then DON'T trust her with contraception again, it doesn't mean you have to throw your marriage down the toilet! Both children will still exist, she will still exist, and they will all still remain in your life to a certain extent. You could walk away and go and fall in love with a woman who then lets you know that actually she wants a family too…

If you love your wife, work on your marriage. You may not have wanted children, but would you be happy with another man in the home reading them bedtime stories and eating dinner with them instead of you? I know it's an emotive image, but it's also what's likely to happen!

I agree with this. What's done is done and you are going to be a father again whether you like it or not, so why cut off your nose to spite your face, and why punish your little boy for the crimes of his mother?

If you are seriously thinking about leaving over this then I suspect the relationship wasn't all tickety boo anyway.

[FragileBrittleStar]

Did you know how your wife thought about children? did she tell you that she wanted one soon? it sounds like you decided that you didn't want one (in the near future) so she had little choice.
If she lied to you about contraception it was wrong no matter what - but i would have more sympathy with her if she had been honest about what she wanted (and less with you for trusting her use of contraceptive) - or did you think you were in agreement?

re childcare /working- i understand where you are coming from in that I am sole provider in my family and DP was a SAHP. DP did want to put DS in childcare for some of the time rather than being a full time SAHP - and not just to work (for a lot less than the childcare cost) but also to have some free time. Financially it wasn't an issue but i didn't understand the choice- if the positions were reversed I don't think i would make the same choice - that said its because I never had the option to be the SAHP so its always looked good and its easy to make theoretical choices.
However you have to remember that work isn't about current earning - its about future potential earning as well and personal fulfillment(now and in future)

[ConnieBaby]

Northwest, I said right at the start that I thought the vasectomy posts were unfair. Marriage is nothing without trust and if she has done this behind your back then that's massive. But only you can decide if it's a dealbreaker. (It would be for me. But then I'd rather eat my own shit than be pregnant again)

[emotionsecho]

Did you ever actually discuss having children and when?

[ConnieBaby]

Can I also add in your defence to all those crying 'vasectomy' that you're only 28. DH and I met at uni so we'd been together a fair while by the time we turned 28. Neither of us could even contemplate having kids at that stage; both far too selfish. Neither of us would have wanted a permanent solution though so one if us took responsibility for contraception and the other placed their trust.

[emotionsecho]

Lovely idea about being a SAHP, OP, sadly the reality rarely lives up to the fantasy.

[NorthWestMan]

We discussed having a second and I said that I did not want a second right now and for the foreseable future. She said the she didn't want one right now but would in the future. This conversation took place only a couple of months ago.

I heard her talking to her friend the other night and she did say that she knew I would never leave her of our son and I would eventually come round to the idea.

I was 100% sure she was on the pill. Its all a little hard to take as we only have sex twice maybe 3 times a month as she has a low sex drive and I dont like her feeling like she has to have sex.

[emotionsecho]

Can you come round to the idea without any trace of resentment towards your wife?

How do you feel about what she said to her friend?

[ConnieBaby]

Oh dear, now you only have sex twice a month as she has a low sex drive and you don't want to pressure her??
It is rare (though not impossible) for a healthy 28yr old woman with no other issues to only want sex twice a month. Likewise for a healthy 28yr old man to be happy with this.

The more you post the more I think you have far deeper issues in your marriage.

[IhavenevermetAnthonyHead]

That is an excellent point Connie. NWM already became a father unexpectedly at only 24 or so, and he stepped up to the responsibility. He has been brave enough to admit he has found it hard and hasn't been taken to parenthood like a natural, plus he's working hard to forge a career and obviously feels under pressure to provide. I think if you asked this man when he was 35 and he feels more well established and like everything is under control he might feel differently but at the moment he's just shouting loud and clear that he's not ready to take on any more and his wife is just overruling him.

[Radiatorvalves]

Clearly you need to communicate with your W to work out where you go from here.

You have some odd views about childcare. You love your son, and in the post above, your views about playing are the same as mine...

"I am old fashioned because I dont like my Son watching hours of TV, I prefer him to play with blocks, read books, draw, paint. I'm a strong believer that communication skills are key to life and I would do my best to ensure he the strongest skills possible."

I totally get that. Am not a TV fan....

BUT I am also a working mum. My kids were in ft nursery from 1 year. And they had a fab time there. I am a crap mum when it comes to painting and craft etc....they got that from nursery.

I spend time with my boys (now 8 and 10) every morning, and most evenings. Plus weekends and holidays. They are well adjusted, bright popular, sporty....everything you could wish for.

Fwiw, my DH has been away for much of their lives, (often working away during the week, but has been for up to 9 months), and we muddle through. You need to sort out what you actually want and get rid of some of your preconceptions.

What are your objections to nursery based on? Is it that your SAHM W does not do these activities with your son? It is all rather confusing.

[NorthWestMan]

Emotion - I'm sure we can come through it without any resentment. What she said to her friend really annoyed me and made me angry, like she was in control and I was just a passenger doing as I was told.

Connie - We actually have a good marriage. We don't argue, literally we have never had a full blown argument in 7 years. I'm not 100% sure I get your meaning about your comment on pressuring her. I understand that some people have a lower sex drive than other hence my acceptance of it. Its one part of a relationship and everything else (prior to this event) is fantastic then why should one thing ruin the rest? I dont know anyone in a releationship were there are not issues such as that.

[YonicScrewdriver]

I can see why she protested a vasectomy if you said you might want a child in the future.

[YonicScrewdriver]

When did she actually stop taking the pill? Was she trying to use the rhythm method or something?

[WyrdByrd]

You sound like you're wanting a pat on the head and permission to walk out on your family guilt free.

FWIW I think it would probably be better all round if you did leave - your wife needs a grown up, not a man child.