Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

You must have known she wanted children. If you were so adamant you didn't, you should never have married her. But you did, and you took no responsibility for contraception, and you're surprised for a second time about a pregnancy?
Come off it mate.
Leave if thats what you want. Sounds about right for someone like you. Try not to do such a number on the next woman you hook up with though.

You need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel.

Although I feel you are a tad disrespectful and belittling to some extent ....I can't imagine Id be thrilled with this news either as I assume you have obviously made your feelings clear.

It's a Shame those feelings weren't backed up in a practical way.

As above. Didnt want more kids? Take a responsibility for contraception. Its not about trust. Contraception can fail - if you also used a condom or had gone for the snip its "belt and braces" and ensures less chance of an unwanted baby.

Fact is your DW is pregnant. So now you just have to decide whether you stay (and commit to it!) or go.

Tbh it doesnt sound like you like your DW much but hey ho.

If you leave you will still have all the financial responsibility anyway, plus extra logistical nightmares surrounding custody.

If you are no longer in love with your wife because of these issues or any other issues and resentments then end the relationship with your wife.

Presumably you will still,want to maintain a relationship with your children, both emotionally and financially.

Also - get the snip. Call and get the ball rolling now if you haven't already as you so desperately don't want another mistake.

You could pursue counselling if you feel any love for your wife.

Thanks again for your comments, I agree 100%, the horse has bolted and I am at fault. I don't dispute that and I accept everyone's comments about me being a asshole, selfish, idiot etc, I don't disagree with them.

The point of view that I am asking for is what is going to be best for this child? Has anyone expereinced a situtation such as this or come across it before? If so, can that trust ever be rebuilt? Whats important is the environment that the children grow up in.

If I decide to stay then I will not hold this against her or use it as a stick to beat her with. If I decide to stay, I stay and I give 110% to make everything work and the children will never know any different.

At the risk of giving everyone even more ammunition to have a go at me, I'm a salesman.

Would any of you get pregnant when you know that your husband isn't ready for another one?

If my DH didn't want a baby he'd be wearing condoms or having the snip, because if I didn't feel a need for contraception I wouldn't be the one using it and taking on the hassle and the downsides (the pill, by the way, has unpleasant side effects for many women). Because I wouldn't be able to "get pregnant" on my own, he would be participating in proceedings.

The way you phrase your posts makes it sound very much like you see pregnancy and childrearing as a woman's job in which you're only peripherally involved and that she should somehow be grateful that you're funding her family. That's not how it works - the children are half yours, not some project where you can expect a medal for trying to be less selfish.

What exactly are you asking OP?

Ok first off, a massive fuck you for your opinions on Childcare. Why do we have kids and 'dump' them in Childcare? So that we can enrich our lives and those around us by having a job. We are at work approx 9 hours a day, there are enough hours outside that to have an excellent relationship with your child. They will not always be in Childcare and you will, at some point, not have to pay much Childcare and it will be very beneficial. OR PERHAPS SHE SEES THAT YOU ARE STRESSED ABOUT YOUR EARNINGS AND WANTS TO HELP WITH THAT RESPONSIBILITY.

However, the honesty of your post is refreshing. You don't have to hide how you feel here. You can get it all out and we will not so gently tell you how why you are wrong or right to feel a certain way.

Everything you feel right now is valid and reasonable until you work thorough it and it becomes rational and acceptable.

Is your relationship otherwise good? Is she generally deceitful?

Being a good parent is astonishingly hard work.

The fact that you're thinking of leaving should answer your question of why she might want to go back to work, even though in the short term it wouldn't be bringing in any extra money. If you left, she would have to provide for her and her son with her currently non-existent wage. It's about long term security, not whether it's profitable in the short term.

"Also when were at home with the little one she is one her phone constantly, just sits and watches him play and very rarely gets involved."

Don't come out with things like this when you are thinking of leaving altogether, what does that make you?

Let's for one moment put aside the idea that you allowed your fate to be put in the hands of someone else which was a bit daft. the official argument here is that if you were so adamant that there should be no more babies you should have used condoms just to be on the side even when you knew (or thought you knew) that your wife was on the pill. Even if she took it properly or had one genuine slip up, accidents do happen and you left yourself vulnerable there. Or you should have got a vasectomy.

However, that aside, if what you are saying is totally 100% true she knew how you felt about another baby and yet she deliberately came off the pill WITHOUT TELLiNG YOU and letting you continue to believe that BC was being taken then yes, that is a more than a bit shitty of her and I'm not surprised you are angry. All the people in the world saying 'oh but you should have worn condoms' does not change the fact that you trusted her, you had an agreement, and she tricked you.

Perhaps she did it because she knew you'd never agree to a second child and she wasn't prepared to have only one. Not really justifiable on her part at all BTW, but perhaps understandable on a human level.

I don't know what to suggest from here, except to get a vasectomy as a matter of urgency and don't never be so passive about your own fertility again.

But as for this pregnancy it's done now, you can't change it. Either leave her for being a liar and a manipulator, or don't leave her and forgive her, and try to understand why she did it. Either way you are going to be a dad again and you'll just have to suck it up.

Op ....I've read similar threads on here of this kind of scenario later down the line.

Don't let you resentment grow. Speak to her about your feelings. Did you talk about a family prior to your marriage?

What is best for the child? Isn't that rather fucking obvious? Its for you to man up, stop being such a whiny arse, and get on with being a half decent parent to the children YOU created, whether through intent or laziness.
Don't try and spin you pissing off as something good for anyone but yourself.

Get a vasectomy now! Who cares if she hits the roof.

To be honest i would be re-evaluating the relationship. Yes you should have also used contraception yourself but she is your wife!! Of course your going to trust her when she says she is on the pill.

Maybe she thinks that hen you're at home, you should engage with your child. She's been working all day taking care of him, now when you're there you surely want to take care if him, no?

Just to clear up one of the comments. Child rearing isn't the 'womans' job, its a 50/50 commitment.

Where I suspect some of the misunderstanding comes from is that I work in a performance orientated field that can pay well and thus it is my responsibility to bring in the majority of the money as I am the most suited to do so (in terms of oportunity to do so not skillset, I'm not belittling what my wife does). I'd love to be able to work a semi decent salary paying job and have flexi time so I could spend more time with the children but we dont have that option.

The most basic need is a roof over their head and food on the table, if I can't provide that then, in my opinion, I fail as a dad. I know that won't be a popular opinion but it is one of my fundamental beliefs.

Do you love your wife?

Do you want to remain in a relationship with your wife?

These are two of the most important questions. All decisions you make will have these at the heart of them.

Everything you say about your wife suggests you don't like her very much and that you have lots of thoughts about her you haven't told her. Recipe for a hive explosion one day. There's not much you can do about the pregnancy now. In your shoes I would be seeking couples therapy to get done of the unspoken things between you said out loud so a proper decision about the relationship can be made BOTH of you.

As for 'paying for her to work' see how you feel about that when your kids go to school and your wife is able to continue her career at the same level she is now, with the same pay. It's an investment imo (and I'm a sahm).

You know, when you get married and have a family together you need to shrug off the idea that you pay for this, that or the other. It's family money. The courts have long recognised this, so time to wise up.

Anyway, financially speaking you've got a good age gap there for lessening the burden of childcare costs -your eldest will have state funding for pre-school then soon be on to school.

You didn't take any definitive action on contraception. The baby is coming. You need to suck it up IMO. Do what you practically can to improve the situation. Find out if you are entitled to childcare vouchers, discuss a raise with your employer, look at what you can do with your debts, what you can cut from monthly outgoings, join fb selling pages for cheap second hand baby goods etc etc.

And seriously, have a think and a talk about what can be improved in your relationship. It really doesnt sound like much of a partnership at the moment.

Oh dear :( Neither of you is coming out of this covered in glory, to be honest.

Your comments on childcare are offensive. I suspect that among other reasons your wife wants to go back to work so she has her career in case you leave, because she knows you are a flight risk.

As others have said, if you didn't want more children, you should have taken responsibility for contraception.

Do I love her? Yes I do, but trust is going to be a huge area of concern from now on.

Do I want to be in a relationship with her, a large part of that is going to be down to whether I can trust her. A relationship without trust is a receipe for disaster is it not?

Do I like my wife? Yes I do, she's great, she funny, smart and is a really caring person and I just like her. She brings out the best in me. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.

I'd love to be able to work a semi decent salary paying job and have flexi time so I could spend more time with the children but we dont have that option.

See that's exactly what I mean. You see earning the money as you're main contribution and it really shouldn't be. I'm the sole breadwinner in our house, I have a full-time very demanding job with a long commute. However in addition to "putting food on the table" I also share a lot of the childcare - I do half the nights (I did all the nights until 11 months as I was bf, and I went back to work full time at 5.5 months), most of the mornings before I go to work and we share the parenting on the weekends. A also do a lot of the child admin and provisioning (remembering to buy nappies, liaising with nursery etc).

Being the breadwinner and being an active participant in parenting are not mutually exclusive.

To answer your question, no, I would never get pregnant without the consent of my husband. It's wrong on many levels and if that's what your wife has fine then you're right to be angry. However, if my husband hadn't consented to a second that would have been a dealbreaker for me and I would have asked for a divorce.

The cost of childcare is a joint expense. It doesn't work out as her salary needs to cover childcare, it's what your joint salary covers.

I won't berate you over contraceptive because in the real world it is reasonable to trust the person you love to be honest over this. DH had had the snip. Off he went for an hour then met me in a cafe. He would have loved another child but I am done and it would never occur to me that he had lied and intended I would fall pg again. My marriage would be over after such a fundamental breach of trust.

However, your misogynistic views on your wife working and caring for your son are shocking. Not only are childcare expenses a joint cost but you seem to think that she should want to stay at home perpetually. Do you want to sah with young children? It's very dull and can be utterly mindnumbing. Feeling that way doesn't make her a bad mum. You seem to hold very old fashioned traditional views. Women don't just work because they need the money you know. Some would rather pull their own teeth out than sah. Many dads feel the same. Doesn't make any of them bad parents; in fact working often makes women better mothers.

And get a vasectomy as soon as possible - don't think that now that this baby is a done deal you've got a couple of years to think about before the issue raises its head again. This PG may not make it and you will be under an awful lot of emotional pressure to agree to another if she miscarries and you may end up agreeing out of a sense of guilt/obligation.

Sorry people, I know that sounds awful to anticipate an MC but it's an awkward truth that it may happen, and will almost certainly want to conceive again if it does. If NWM is adamant that he is not up for that then best he deals with it now instead of when emotions are running high in a few months time.

Ultimately she might decide you are too selfish and goal-focused and go off and have babies with someone else anyway.