Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

The best women are the women who do it exactly the way Lotus did it, I think....

Voyage - I haven't bashed the OP so not sure what your beef is with me.

Did you agree before you married you would never have children and did you tell her parents that? It is quite rare that anyone would marry you if you had made that clear.

That's a very bizarre thing to say = what's it got to do with her parents?

Lots of couples choose to never have children. It's not rare at all, and I do hope they would do their best to make it clear before they married otherwise there would be an awful lot of pissed off spouses who had hoped for children and are told they won't be getting them.

The OP never said he didn't want children EVER. His wife became unexpectedly PG quite young and at a time when he wasn't sure he even wanted children at all, or at least not then. He was only 24 then remember, and how many 24 year olds know exactly want of the rest of their lives?

By the time they got married they already had a two year old.

lotus, what a ridiculous view to take. There is no such thing as a best woman.

it's also a ridiculous thing to say that the Op should have had the snip/not have had sex if he didn't want a child.
If a woman didn't want a child and her partner was in charge of contraception and being a partnership she trusted him then you wouldn't say the same thing to her if he slipped up and got her pregnant. You would put all the blame on the man.
Now the man has been 'betrayed' and it's still his fault. This is what I mean about the stupid hypocrisy of a lot of women on here. Not all thank God, but a significant number

I think what your dw has done is reprehensible. Anyone saying the hormonal drive in women is strong is like saying men cannot help 'needing' sex. It's bollocks. Want and need are not the same.

Uh...I mentioned the hormonal thing, and in NO WAY did I intend to suggest that this was an acceptable reason for deceiving anyone or acting in the way the OP is afraid his wife has acted.

I agree that this is very wrong; I was trying to give some background which the OP may not be aware of. That is all.

Some of LotusLight's post is a bit incomprehensible... But she/he did cover the point I want to make, which is that couples must always think in the long term about the contribution the lesser-earning/part-time partner makes in the early years. Yes, you may be losing money as a family during the expensive nursery and primary after-school care stage, but that period passes, and terrifyingly fast you have smelly teenagers who can make their own tea, cycle to their own mate's houses, get their own job to earn money to buy Lynx/Impulse/phone credits/ridiculous clothes etc. At which point is it better to have one exhausted parent who's hardly been around for twenty years as he or she has been working all hours to fund everything, and one pissed off parent who is so far out of touch with her or his chosen career that she/he is only able to get minimum wage zero hours contract jobs?

Or is it better to have two parents who have both progressed their careers and are now comfortably off and able to help fund the next stage for their family?

That's a stupid synopsis. Why so black and white?

Just a quick update. Spoke to the Wife over the weekend. She's adamant that it wasn't on purpose but I'm still sure it was. We're going to try and work things out for the sake of the little lad and new kid.

I hope things work out for you all. Best of luck!

Good luck to you all NWM.
How does your wife explain the 'accident' considering she chose to give up the pill?

Invizicat who knows, she was desperate for another and she's obviously taken matters in to her own hands. I'm not sure if it's going to work between us, it just feels different but I'm going to try.

So you do not believe that she told you that she'd come off the pill?

How could it NOT be on purpose?
If she had been taking the pill regularly and still got pregnant === accident
If she stopped taking the pill without your knowledge and didn't tell you == on purpose

Op, I think for the sake of your family you are doing the right thing by giving it a go. just remember that although it might be tough during the early years, time really flies and in the future you will have two lovely children and you won't remember this saga.

Whether she actually actively got PG on purpose or not is beside the point really - she made a decision to come off the pill without being entirely honest with her DH and without taking any other precautions or warning him clearly that there was no longer any BC in place.

Even if it was an accident she was still behaved irresponsibly and unfairly. If she didn't mind taking that calculated risk knowing that there was no BC being used then that's fine but she didn't extend that courtesy to her DH and give him a chance to decide for himself what he was prepared to take that risk too

Good luck op. Have you considering couples counselling?

If the OP was set against any more Dc I hardly think he would forget that his wife had told him she was no longer on the pill!!

That is what she said happened though; as above, that might be a lie, OP may have misheard or misunderstood or OP may have not been listening.

I think whatever the truth is, there are huge trust issues between you and I struggle to see how your relationship can recover from that

Well the OP was pretty clear in being 'focussed' on the issue, so the chances of 'mis-communication' are diminished as compared to other less important issues.

Am still concerned though that 293 posts in less than a week in Dadsnet could lead to serious logistical issues and a systems management overload situation...

Anyone who thinks the OP should be blamed for "not taking responsibility for his own fertility" should grow a brain and fast. He did. He discussed and agreed it with his wife. If she didn't want to take the pill, she was perfectly entitled not to. She is, after all, a grown woman.

I'm not entirely sure who's side you are on here toad?

I actually don't understand why everyone is reacting so badly to the OP. I have not wanted a baby in the past and trusted a partner to wear a condom correctly. He trusted his wife! He's not saying that he ever doubted her over the accidental first child.

I believe everyone has a right to chose and the wife could have chosen to walk away if she wanted children badly enough. He was honest with her over his wishes. It's a no-win situation and someone has to end up miserable with the decision. I think tricking someone is unbelievably unfair. She has effectively gaslighted him with this 'I told you' comment.

I'm with you on this OP but a tut and head shake re the nursery comment.

DressedUpJustLikeEdie

I'm on the OP's side.

there are a large number of daft posts on this thread saying that the OP only had himself to blame.

It's bollocks. He and his wife agreed that she would take the pill. At that point she could have said that she didn't want to. If she had said so, he might have had to find some other way, like having the snip (which she didn't want).

He discharged his responsibility for his fertility in a totally appropriate way, ie, by agreeing with his wife.

OK I see what you mean. Of course if she didn't want to take the pill she was entitled not to, but of course she should have made it crystal clear to him that that was her intention.

Well I'm not sure how things are going to pan out, I've been trying really hard but something feels missing now. We always used to play fight and have fun but now everything just seems flat. I'm not sure what is going to happen moving forward.

Thank you for some of the recent comments, when I first posted I thought I was a monster for being so angry about it. But it's good to know that people understand where I'm comming from.

NorthWestMan, I'm not surprised things have changed, you must feel so betrayed. I think it shows your dedication and commitment to your children for not walking out. You're right, you would look like the worlds biggest arse to everyone that didn't know the situation.

Whether or not your relationship can survive is an issue. I don't believe anyone should be in a relationship they aren't happy in. I'm actually for you, not only for what your wife has done but I'm angry at some of the responses on here towards you.

My partner and I have lost 4 babies and are looking at other options,he doesn't want to adopt and although I'd love to I'd never force him. It's how grown ups deal with things.

I'd love to see what the advice would be the other way around, 'I told my partner I didn't want a child but he took the condom off without me knowing, now I'm pregnant but he claimed he told me he had taken it off.'

To the haters!!