Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

Op i don't think you are wrong it what your feeling at all. "If" she has tricked you that's awful . I'm sure you know the pill is 100% and some woman a lot actualy are sort of immune to it. That could also be an explanation .

I don't agree at all. What's going to happen if she wants another one in a year or two. You cannot trust her at all, she thinks your feelings don't matter at all, she suits herself. You will never be able to have a ride again without worrying.

You might be difficult to talk to but she is a deceitful bully.

bedsheets she is not saying oops I got pregnant even though I'm on the pill, she said she told him she was off it and he just somehow didn't hear.

I was going to say I was desperate for a 3rd, as are many women on here, not a first or a sibling for the first, just a completely unexplainable desire for another. This could happen again, unless you make it absolutely clear to her that it was unacceptable behaviour.

I think thumbwitch's analysis of her mental processes is spot on, but I'm not sure about the advice.

I see this as being more like your DP having an affair - it's a major breach of trust and forgivable only if they acknowledge that they are in the wrong, and show genuine repentance and make efforts to make things better.

The fact that she is refusing to go to counselling or in any way take seriously the OPs concern about the situation sits very badly. You are completely right to prioritise your DCs welfare here, but unresolved resentment and mistrust tends to fester, not to mention that if she gets away with trampling all over your boundaries, why wouldn't she do it again?

I think you should insist on her coming to counselling at the very least as the price of your staying and trying to work things out.

All this is presuming it really was deliberate rather than a mistake, but that seems to be the case from what you've said.

You might want to rethink statements like 'I basically pay for her to go to work' though .

Well we'll have to differ a little Simonetta - because I don't see any point in insisting someone goes to counselling if they don't want to, as it won't achieve anything :(.

I do agree that the OP should go to counselling on his own, and specifically he should look at how he deals with his relationship - whether he can live with his wife, despite her betrayal of trust, for the sake of his family - or whether he absolutely can't and has to leave. Only he can make that decision really, but there's certainly benefit to be had from talking it through with someone outside the situation.

I also think that the OP should consider getting a vasectomy so that his wife can't pull this stunt again.

Hello Everyone.

Im going to start attending counselling on my own, I've also decided that I'm going to stay. It's not in me to walk away from my family, I couldn't do that to my son. Every marriage has its ups and down I'm going to look at this as a test. What's important now is trying to rebuild everything and getting the snip as soon as the little one is born.

Good, well done. I think counselling will give you a place where you can let out your hurt and anger at your wife, without making the whole situation worse. It will also allow you to examine your own attitude to your marriage (paying for her to work is a case in point, there are a few examples pn this thread).

No point dragging the wife along. She'll go if she ever feels she needs to, but at present it's pointless.

Good luck to you.

Hello again OP - good call and I hope it goes well for you.

Thumbwitch - that's a fair point, dragging her to counselling maybe isn't the solution. But I think without some kind of recognition and contrition on her part there are likely to be problems further down the road. His DW needs to take some responsibility for the relationship, not just the OP.

Well done north west man. I genuinely hope that things work out for you and your young family.

Great conclusion NorthWestMan, all the best to you.

I think you've been put in a terrible situation by your wife, but I hope you can work through it together.

Good luck.

Just stumbled across this and wanted to say good luck OP, I hope it all goes well. You sound like a good dad and like you're honest about your own limits. Wishing you all the best.

I'm hoping the counselling is going to give me tools to better illustrate logical points and help me develop some better communication skills.

Also it will be nice to have somewhere to express how I really feel

When I first read the OP I knew the OP would get some awful responses by the MumsNet men haters

I agree with everything ThumbWitch says and I think you sound like you have approached this sensibly and come to a good decision. I really hope it works out for you OP. It's horrible that you have been put in this position.

Time is a huge healer so,hopefully, things will improve and you will be able to make things work. Your wife is still fairly young, maybe she will mature. I think it could all work out ok.

Good luck.

As much as you do sound quite selfish in your OP i am going to stick on your side a little bit here. My husband has never wanted kids but yet he has always left the contraception up to me. If i had a problem with it then i would have told him. My mum actually recently said to me that i should just come off the pill and not tell him when i said i felt ready for kids but i flat out refused to do that as i knew it would break the trust between us completely. It is such a massive decision it shouldnt be for just one person to decide that theyre gonna change someone elses life forever

MN is a good place to vent but also agree with everyone else you definitely need to discuss this with your wife and tell her that youre considering whether your marriage can even survive this deception, if you cant trust her and get past this then you do need to leave cos there is nothing worse than a relationship without trust.

As for the daycare thing yes i agree money should be joint when married and if your wife wants to work then good on her and you saying you 'pay for her to work' does make it sound like u resent her for this but at the same time i also see that if its not financially viable to put the child in daycare then what is the point. me and dh have already said that if it is going to cost more than i earn to have a child in nursery then i will just give up work until it is more financially viable. Is there maybe a compromise here of working when youre not or part time so that it would cost less in childcare?

I don't see where the OP has been selfish in his OP. It's not selfish not to want kids

Hi KitKat

I've trying going through the alternative option a of work e.g. Evening work but she's having none of it. There is no compromise at all.

Her wage is 200 less a month than the cost of childcare which is what I cover.

Maybe with a second we may get more benefits?

If you are getting the snip, get it BEFORE the baby arrives. BEFORE.

Good luck.

Just to say I agree get the snip before the baby is born and also, re the working for free, it's a short term pain for a long term gain keeping her work going. Especially if your marriage is not rock solid. You don't want to be one of those men moaning about their dependent ex wives and all the maintenance you have to pay do you? She is protecting her future earning capacity in car it all goes pear shaped.

Don't get the snip before baby arrives, if anything were to happen you might regret it.

Northwest

With regard to the "snip" look in to the figures of how many men suffer long term pain that cannot be treated, the last time I looked the numbers were 1 in 10, it should be considered fully with all issues in place.

Its not the "easy" fix that some on here believe it to be.

I'm glad you're getting councelling, whatever you do this situation has the capacity to turn you into a man with a grievance that twists character, motives and never goes away. Whatever the final outcome don't let it be the one that diminishes you. I know two people who have turned jnto butter angry men, forever gunning for the one that 'betrayed them', every conversation is about them, every night out descends into drunken whining. As someone on the outside I can tell you how rubbish their lives are, how small and twisted their worlds have become, and how their lives no longer have any future, everything being invested in vitriol and loathing. Don't be that man.

LTB

I completely disagree with previous comments. Couples discuss contraception together, decide on which form to go for together and obviously if what's decided is that the woman takes the pill, it's her responsibility to take it or at least tell him if she isn't.

A surprising number of women seem to think it's perfectly OK morally to trick men into getting them pregnant. I could never, ever live in a loving trusting relationship with someone who would do that to me though.

You don't sound like you would be torn apart by not living full time with your son, so I would make a clean break now before the new one is born. Trust is the bedrock of relationships and families and without it, you got nothing.

I'll confess to not having read the whole thread, but I've been where you are. Except for the fact that my ex's deception was not even consistent, and thus extremely easy to see through. We weren't married either so you have additional dimensions there to consider. However all things being equal I knew there was precisely zero chance of building a proper 50/50 nurturing environment for a child with such a woman, so I walked.

I do not regret that decision one iota, my biggest motivation was to ensure my kid did not have to grow up in a disintegrating family. The issue you speak of regarding what is the best outcome for your kids? Simply put they need to grow up feeling secure and that they have unfettered access to both mum and dad. To that end in my case I needed to put a pin in the betrayal business, and focus on the practicalities.

Again this is something I could only do on my own time, not something I could even begin to attempt still living with the person who thought so little of me in the first place. The gold standard here is benign indifference, which I am working towards myself although I am fastidious about civility and friendliness while co-parenting and during handovers.

Perhaps unlike you I have always desperately wanted to be a dad, so in a lot of ways this has made my situation a great deal easier. I somewhat agree in that I think a child will always do better in the care of mum or dad, particularly in the tender early years, but it's not written in stone that has to be the mum. Indeed I have day to day care of my little one as my ex pursues her career. In short if that's your position you need to put your money where your mouth is and step up yourself.

All I can say is I don't regret my choices, my child is thriving and brings more joy than I could have ever possibly predicted. So it can be done. I will confess to occassional sadness at not having been able to share this experience with the woman of my dreams, but when I stop to consider that my ex turned out to be as far from that woman as it is possible to get I know I made the right call.

The deception aside and with dw pg and one of your main concerns being the finances - surely if you ds is 3.5 then it will be over 1.5 years before dw goes back to work after maternity - so by that time ds will be in school and the childcare will be as it is now - and there will be a period of no. Childcare to pay for as dw will be on maternity so it may work out fine - yes the financial pressure is there for a bit but whether that was now or in 3 or 4 years it will be the same and then you will be done and through the worst in one go