Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

Op, of course things have changed. Your DW has betrayed your trust in a huge way to serve her own needs. She has ridden roughshod over your feelings and wants and has reneged on a deal you made.
You are in an intolerable situation . Only time will tell whether you can stay with her in the longer term.

Hi Big Buttons and Fackinell,
I hope it works out for the sake of the kids but it just all feels wrong now. If I leave though I'm a complete asshole and I know that she'll make it difficult to see the kids while rinsing me for every penny I earn. It's a really difficult situation

If you did leave, OP, you can go through CSA to pay their recommended amount, which I believe is 20% of salary, and to the courts to sort out a contact arrangement.

Op, so she has tricked you, maybe twice into having kids and you know she will try and make life very difficult for you if you leave because of her behaviour?
She is not someone I would want to have much to do with tbh. She sounds lovely

Wow! What a catch
If this was a man doing this there would be all kinds of verbal shit thrown at him.

NWM you really can't win, she could say to the kids, 'daddy didn't want you,' when the real words should be 'daddy didn't want children but when you came along he couldn't help but love you even though mummy is a lying, scheming twunt.'

Impossible situation. Bide your time. OP. People break up every day, leaving things even another year and and things will be seen in a slightly better light. Why should you look like a dick?

If I were you I'd be squirrelling away a bit of cash from your income every month so if you do leave you have a nest egg to start over. She will get residency in the family home (whoever has the children most of the time should, I'm sure you'd agree.)
Then you can have the life you chose for yourself whilst still seeing your DC PT.

Hey everyone. Thank you for your responses, I think I'm going to try and ride it out and stash a little away. I take care of all the finances do it shouldnt be too difficult to do. Let's see how things goes.

You're doing the right thing by your children, NWM. You have my sympathy completely but I can see that you know this is not their fault and are being the bigger person. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

I thought I'd post a bit of a update as a few things have happened since we last thrashed around the details of what happened.

We went for the 13 week scan yesterday and it turns out that she is only 9 weeks gone, not 13 which means she would've known she was pregnant as soon as she missed her period or it was late?

Also, there's been another kicker, one of her friends has told me that shes been taking tests in work every couple of weeks since before Christmas! Which, if true, means that this is one hell of a premediated plan.

Things have really broken down between us to the point of not even speaking anymore. I'm going to try and arrange some couples counselling with Relate to see if we can make it work but in all honesty I dont think it will.

I've been trying to work out the time frame and my mind is working like this;
If shes 9 weeks gone, and she told me on the 20thish of April that means that she would've been roughly 4/5 weeks gone. Working back she said that her last period was around the first/second week of March which means shes is going to have known at the earliest possible point that shes pregnant is it not?

If she hadn't been taking tests regulary then how would she have known so early?

My mind is going crazy thinking about all this.

Err, many women take tests as soon as their period is a few days late?

Me and my husband had a situation like this. The difference was, I wasn't on a y contraception because I CANT take it. So we used condoms (he's had snip now) we had two daughters. Although I was open to more in the future, he wasn't. One night in the heat of the moment the condom wasn't used because he didn't want to. I clearly said to him well if I get pregnant I'm NOT having an abortion. Fine he said. Fast forward four weeks till we found out I was pregnant. And it was all my fault. I'd planned it. We couldn't afford it. He didn't want another baby bla bla. He made the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy hell. Then we went to our 20 week scan and found it was a boy. And oh he was crying and over the moon calling everyone to tell them. I'll never forget the hypocrisy or the hurt he caused me those 16 weeks. We booked his snip straight away. Our sons now 2.5, we are over it all now. There's not one day where I don't look at my son and feel so thankful I didn't do what he initially wanted in the beginning. He adores our son.

For what it's worth. I do think you got an awful ripping on here. I do think your wife has tricked you. It will be hard,but once the baby is here you WILL love it as much as your son. Id book for a snip now if I were you. I had severe hyperemsis and was sick up to 30 times a day for the whole 9 months and that was another reason for a snip.

I'd hang it out till the baby's here and see what happens. Things could improve between use.

Hi Jen,

Thank you for your comment, I'm glad you worked everything out.

I want to hang on in there until the little one is born but it is so awful at the moment and I can't see anything changing. The fact that she has lied about everything so far has really hurt me and made me question everything. 7 months is a long time to hang on in a house full of anger and fustration.

Are you and your hubby still together? Did you forgive him for how he treated you?

Of course you will get over this shock and be a great dad to your second child, but I don't think you will be able to get over the hurt of what she has done.
I totally get how upset you are because now you are also questioning the first pregnancy, and rightly so. I think having children is a joint decision but your wife doesn't think that. You have every right to be upset and hurt. It was very sly of her and of course she must be off the pill for a while as its unlikely everything lined up the very first month. Sorry this happened to you but I hope ye work it out, and very best wishes with your second baby.

Yes we are still together and we have a great relationship. We actually got married after our son was born. We first got together when we were 15, he's 30 now and I am later this year. We split up though for two years when we were twenty though.

I found out he'd cheated and couldn't forgive him. However wev been back together over seven years and I trust him with my life. He was a daft boy back then. But the reason I'm telling you this, is because my trust was broken so badly and the only way we moved on from it was time apart to get over it and realise what we meant to each other and let me get over it and rebuild trust in him. The break made him grow up.

Me being pregnant with our son is the only issue we have had since we got back together. It wasn't a big enough fall out to leave though and it was best for the children we stayed together but that's because we were still happy and loved each other.

Its up to you how big the betrayal feels and whether you can get over it or not.

As an aside, when we did get back together. My mother in law who has been married 50 years took me aside and said 'all marriages go through hard patches, iv had my bad patches over the years where I wanted to leave but deep down I loved him still. And eventually things become good again if you stay and work at it. You could leave but eventually in any new relationship you will go through a hard patch and what will you do then, just leave again? When you marry someone you either stick it out and work through the rough times together or walk away at the first sign of trouble'

Well just had a row. She's adamant that it's a accident. Could it be?

She purposely stopped taking the pill a few months ago. She claims she told you but you know that is not true.

You could call that a lot of things, but it is definitely NOT an accident.

My thoughts exactly, she somehow made me feel like I was completely out of order for even asking and then when I suggested couples counselling she just laughed and said whats the point.

Really feel like I'm stuck here.

I cannot believe she is still denying it. She is a liar and I wouldn't trust her word on anything.

Even if she told you she was stopping the pill and you didn't hear she still had sex with you knowing there was a high chance she would become pregnant. It is impossible for it to be an accident from her perspective.

What did she think would happen?

What your wife is trying to claim is that you were complicit in this, that you were also having sex knowing there was a high chance she would become pregnant.

The fact that she never once questioned the lack of contraception, never mentioned a period was late and never took tests at home or mentioned that she had done pregnancy tests speaks volumes about your so called complicity.

She was having unprotected sex and didn't want you you to know.

You know it wasn't an accident, she knows it too. Maybe it's time to put that issue to one side and concentrate on the baby and her pregnancy? I know it's a big ask, but in the grand scheme of things what is more important? The child or how they came to be?

I was an unwanted child and was very aware from an early age. It has had a life long affect on me. I hope you can move past this trust issue and focus on the reality that another person has been made, they exist and there is no going back.

I totally understand that she has sullied the trust in your relationship and is making it worse by not admitting to what he has done (it means she doesn't have to apologise). You feel railroaded. But perhaps she felt backed into a corner by your adamancy that you wouldn't have another child and took the 'foreseeable future' to mean never. I'm not saying what she did was right, but I also don't think it was right for you to keep her hanging on when she clearly wanted another child.

Relate would be good for you both, but it might take her a while to come round to that idea. In the meantime, can you get past the anger and betrayal and start thinking about the new life you have created? I sincerely hope you can as I think this is the key to you moving forward with this. Ultimately, she is carrying your child and pregnancy is hard enough. You said she almost lost her life last time? Well, she's going to have that weighing on her mind too.

It's a terrible gnawing feeling when you want to have a child, it colours your whole day and all the interactions you have in it. She might have been consumed with need for another child but also felt alone and isolated in her need.

If you had been clear with her that another child was not going to happen and she knew you couldn't be pursuaded otherwise, how would she feel?

Desperate.

I absolutely do not condone what she has (allegedly) done but do you have any compassion for how she felt? Has this ruined the relationship beyond repair? I don't know if I could forgive and move on, but I'm not in this situation.

You need to be clear in yourself how you feel about her, your relationship and whether you believe it can be saved.

A big part of the healing process will come from honesty, she must be terrified of confessing what she's done. Is there a way you can help her (if you want to)?

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate everyones views and opinions.

I completely take on board what you say about how did she feel knowing that I didnt want another child and I do respect her wishes, however, I'm 28 and she is 25, there is a lot of time for things to change. What I find completely unacceptable is making such a huge decision without the other parties commitiment or agreement to it.

I really don't know if I can forgive her for this and that is what hurts the most. I dont know if this one action has completely killed the relationship.

Things before were great (asides for the lack of sex which seems so ironic that it is comical considering the situation now) and now were not even speaking and we can barely stand to be in the same room together. Im absolutely gutted this has happened.

If we do get past this, how is it going to effect us in the future.

Bloody Hell! Some of the responses on here. I'm literally sat here with my mouth open. Some of you lot are mad as box of frogs.

OPs wife CLEARLY tricked him into this pregnancy. Saying he should have worn a condom or got the snip is ridiculous. When you are married and your partner agrees to take responsibility for contraception that is a MUTAL agreement between the two of you.

Imagine if the title of this read had been "DH refuses to believe I'm taking the pill and had the snip behind my back" - you'd be baying for blood. Honestly, grow up. Why should this man, who had made his objections to having a second child perfectly clear, be responsible for the actions of his deceitful wife.

If I had a quid for every woman who told me her pill 'failed' I'd be sunning up in the fucking Bahamas by now.

OP - Sit down with your wife and be very clear. You are hurt and disappointed that she tricked you into this pregnancy. It is going to take a lot of hard work to rebuild trust and you need time to be sure if you will be able to forgive her.

DO NOT HAVE THE SNIP. You are only 28 years old and in a troubled marriage. You are also under a considerable amount of stress and you shouldn't make a permanent decision about your future fertility right now.

Regarding the baby. You must not tell the child he/she wasn't planned. Treat them exactly the same as your 3.5 year old. In time you will come to love and cherish this child but there are too many emotions going on at the moment. Support your wife through the pregnancy and support your children.

Just make sure that she is clear on rebuilding your trust or you will have to consider whether this marriage has a future.

I think you might just have to wait and see what happens and if you can forgive her. The refusing counselling and laughing sounds like she is minimising your feelings and thinks it will all blow over. I do know how it feels to be desperate for another child when your partner said no, to the point it did cross my mind to do what your wife has done. It does consume your every waking moment, so I would think the chances of it not being on her mind while having unprotected sex were slim.It was different for me though, as I was 39 so it was the last chance saloon. In the end I knew that if I had gone through with it, the risk that our home would be ripped apart by the lack of trust was a risk too far. But who knows. If you have a strong enough relationship you can work through it.

I agree with fancyanotherfez - she's minimising your feelings about this and assuming you will just 'come around eventually'. Selfish woman.

There are fewer things in life that are as stressful than having a baby, but to deliberately inflict this on someone when they have specifically said they aren't ready is just extremely selfish behaviour.

I can understand some women's desperation (the biological clock is a funny thing) especially if time is running out, but when you are in a mutual and mature relationship you discuss these feelings with your partner. You don't just go right on ahead and do what you like.

What's worse is it sounds like she hasn't even come clean and admitted it!

Doing this shows a complete lack of respect. Personally OP I think she couldn't give a flying fuck about your feelings and has basically used you as a sperm donor.

I think sadly, you can't get past this on your own. I think its entirely possible for your family to survive this but she needs to be driving this.
Laughing off your queries 're:conception and continuing to stick to the accident lie are what's going to kill the relationship.
If she can admit to what she did, why she did it and regret the deception and what it's done to you...then you can start again with a clean slate and an understanding to respect each other's opinions and speak honestly about your own. This would allow a healthy relationship with trust at the heart of it to grow.

I hope you can make it work, but it takes both of you trying