Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?

[NorthWestMan]

Hey Everyone,

First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.

Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.

I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.

My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.

What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;

• I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
• I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
• We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
• 60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
• My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
• She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
• Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
• I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child

What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?

All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave

I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?

Any thoughts?

I want another child and DH isn't sure.

When I choose to stop using my contraception, I will tell him, and that's that. I won't be reminding him, or telling him to use anything.

I have also told him this, and that preventing pregnancy will be up to him once I have my implant removed.

I fail to see how that makes me deceitful.

I can see how this could have happened. No idea if OP wife is telling the truth or not. However, there seem to be other issues anyway. OP you speak of her "rinsing you for every penny" and making seeing the kids difficult.

If true, she doesn't sound like a great person. If not true, then the fact you think that makes for a pretty poor relationship.

Only you know if you want to be with her, and doing it for the kids isn't a good enough reason to stay together.

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for your responses again.

The main reason that I asked her outright last night was the chance for her to come clean and then we could work through everything. I had it set in my head that if she still denied it I was going to pack a bag and leave for a few nights but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Im such a coward.

Hello Slithytove,

Theres a difference between your situation and mine, namely that you have had that discussion, that means your being honest and upfront. I was never given the chance to prevent anything from happening.

One response might be "well you knew she wanted one so you should of been exra careful" doesn't wash with me, its like saying I want sex more often but because she doesnt then as its my desire to have more sex I can go out and find one night stands. One person's desires and wishes are equal to the other persons and it should be a open discussion to reach a compromise.

Op I think your wife tricked you. I fully think that a child should be a joint decision not just where one person decides that they want a child so stuff the other persons feelings or wants.

I've wanted kids for years but my OH didn't, despite my not being on contraceptive for over 6 years now we didn't have a scare in all that time as I respect what he wanted and I didn't want him to resent me or our baby. She evidently doesn't respect you or this wouldn't have happened.

For you to start getting through this she needs to be honest with what she has done. Have you made it clear how you feel about this.

With regards to dates I'm 10w and 2 days pregnant, I found out on the 9th April, so it's not unfeasible that she would have missed her period and tested by the 20th.

I do feel that if she told you she was going off the pill, and you didn't hear, then she probably knew that and should have made sure you heard. I know there are times I could tell DH I had won the lottery or slept with another man and he wouldn't hear me.

So while there could be an element of she told you and therefore the contraceptive responsibility became yours, I think that it's been done in a very manipulative way.

Could you say this to her?

Why do you feel in the event of a break up she would be difficult with finances and custody?

Hi Slithy,

Thank you for your response, everytime I try to talk to her she just gets mad and make it out like Im in the wrong. Hence my suggestion of mediation via Relate, that way we will both be able to understand each others point of view but after her reaction Im not sure if it is worth following through with.

Regarding finances I do feel she would be difficult, with custody I think we would both agree to the same thing. I'm old fashioned in the thoughts that a childs best place is with his mother and as he is going to start school next year it is vital he has stability, it would have a major impact should he have to keep being ferried back and forth. Also, there is the real possibility that should we split she would move around 30 miles away to be with family.

I would want to see my son every other weekend and then extra during the holidays as well as extra time to take him away on holiday.

In theory what she has done is bang out of order.

I'm shocked at the first few pages of comments placing the blame on op. Lots of double standards going on there.

BUT I just can't get passed how wonderfully written and it seems to cover all bases like a soap story line ....

It seems as though you have really given splitting up some thought, and it's only been this issue and one month?

Or is there other stuff going on?

I have given alot of thought to splitting up.

I think something as big as this shakes the very foundations or the relationship, its one of the most fundamental aspects of a relationship, Trust.

Without it, what chance have you got?

I'm quite shocked at the friend who saw the PG tests at work. Funny that she/he is telling you now.

Hi Yonic,

I know, I'm trying not to take that into consideration as it could be lie?

It sounds like you are planning your exit plan, so it doesn't from here sound as if you can contemplate making it work. You need to make it clear to her that this is serious. You will probably still need counselling to enable you to Co parent.

Perhaps have some counselling together. You will need to parent together whether you stay or leave, so need to work past this.

My DH didn't really want children, but I managed to persuade him into two. I was really desperate and he could see the impact that was having on me. He did agree though and knew 100% what he was getting into. He loves them both very much now they are here, and will stay up late to have 'Daddy time' with the baby. He will have the snip this year though as we are both in agreement about no more children. You need to have the snip ASAP now. You have two more children than you wanted, so no need for any more!

Write down in bullet points what you want to say to her and sit down.

Stick to 2 or 3 points.
I am very hurt, we need to see a counsellor to work through this. I want to fix this. I am insisting we talk through this because it is very serious.

She needs to "get it" before you can forgive her. Wishing you all the very best for the future.

Exit plan prep and making it work can exist mutually in the same head. It's called 'hoping for the best, preparing for the worst' and people in couples difficulties do it all the time. So of course yes she needs to be crystal clear about where the situation is.

It doesn't sound to me like you're ever going to forgive her for what you think she's done, so I think you should seriously consider ending the marriage. It really isn't fair for either of the children involved to grow up in a family where resentment and anger are constantly present.

I also notice that when discussing contact, you only mention your son. What about the child that's on it's way?

I remember reading your thread when you first wrote it but didn't have anything useful to contribute. I'm not really sure I have now either but I'm sorry that things have panned out so badly for you both.

FWIW, this is what I think:
She has tricked you. Coming off the pill and failing to tell you, to allow you the choice to use alternative contraception is tricking you. She may not want to believe this of herself but this is what she has done.
She is denying it, saying it was an accident. That may be so - in that she may not have initiated sex deliberately at a fertile point, but she certainly didn't stop you, and probably hoped that she would have a "happy accident".
She clearly hoped that, once she was pregnant, you would come around to the idea no problem, and you haven't. She is therefore angry with you for failing to live up to her expectations of the situation (unrealistic expectations, I might add)

So. She is angry with you, she is feeling guilty and this is making her sulky about it because she doesn't want to feel guilty (no one ever does!) so she's deflecting it and being snarky, turning it back onto you. She's also hormonal (which never helps).

I don't see why her colleague would lie - what could they possibly hope to gain from doing so? - so yes that makes her deception a clear long-term plan (still allows for her hoping for the "happy accident" though).

Overall though, she is disappointed. Your failure to come around, your insistence that it's not a "happy accident" but actually a fucking upsetting one that you don't believe even is an accident has really pissed on her pregnancy parade. So she's punishing you for that.

What can you do?
Well, you can plan to leave; or you can (sorry!) suck it up and accept that it's happening now and even though you know in your heart that she has engineered this situation, at the end of it you will have another child who will worm his/her way into your heart just like your son has. And that even though it's not what you wanted, you will come around and love this new child too.

You can't alter your wife's thoughts or feelings - but you can alter yours. I'm not saying you will get over it, but you can choose to stop resenting her, stop blaming her, stop insisting she tells you that it was a plan and just get on with it.
You may never forgive her - but for the sake of now, for your household peace, and your son - let it be and try to get back to some form of normal. I believe you when you say something is missing - yes it is, that trust that was at the heart of your relationship. It takes time to rebuild trust, and you may never get that back because she's not going to admit that this wasn't an accident (I'm quite sure she's rationalised it in her head that it actually was one) - but you can do better than things are now by trying to let go of your resentment and accept the situation as it is for now.

I know this sounds a lot like "letting her get away with it" but it really isn't - it's for the benefit of you and your son too.

I really hope you can defuse the situation that you have at the moment.

Sorry, that was a bit long for someone who didn't have much to contribute!

Thumbwitch talks a lot of sense

Hi Thumbs

I think that is one of the most insightful and thoughtful responses I've read and it really connects with me. Thank you.

I think your right, I need to choose what I think rather then letting my emotions get the best of me

Thank you

Glad it helped - hope it works out for you. :)

You may benefit froma bit of counselling for yourself, somewhere where you can talk out your feelings, rather than letting them out at home, too.

Relationship counselling would be a good idea, whatever the outcome.

Would you really be OK with only seeing your DC every other weekend? That's not much at all.