Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

[Insert1x20p]

Maybe she deletes it all, or finds it easier to humour him and say “thanks dad, really helpful”

Hey, we've all been there, albeit with "how to paint a skirting board" rather than quantum physics

[cakedup]

@Insert1x20p I called the police once when he got drunk and got nasty. Police took him home and he rang up crying the next day and I let him back.

I know this all sounds like I'm deluded and stupid. But reading black and white is one thing. These situations stem from very gradual events with so many other elements I haven't mentioned.

[Franklyfrost]

Get vaccinated and leave the house. There is no need to live like this. Sensible precautions would be to avoid crowded places so no tube at rush hour, not to live a life of misery. Your partner is an alcoholic, drinking is going to raise his blood pressure very significantly even if he doesn’t have heart problems so it’s certainly not going to help with symptoms. Which brings me to how you say he is ‘scientific and intelligent’ as if you are woo and stupid. He shouldn’t be telling you want to do or what to think and obviously has appalling judgement when it comes to staying in good health (heavy drinking, not getting vaccinated etc).

[HesterShaw1]

He thinks I am beautiful and adores me.

The way he behaves is an utterly fucked up way of showing his adoration. Wouldn't you rather find someone who knows how to show love in a normal way?

You have been completely brainwashed. This person doesn't love anyone.

[cakedup]

For those asking, I had been with him for about a year, then covid began and he moved in - to begin with to avoid going back and forth on public transport.

I'm thinking maybe to confide with my sister, maybe even show her this thread. As embarassing and humiliating as it will be.

[tedsletterofthelaw]

He either has a serious mental health disorder or he is using covid to control and manipulate you and your children.

Either way, I think you need to leave for your own health

[cakedup]

Might be by the by but he only started drinking every day since his symptoms got worse a couple of months ago. Was just once a week before that.

[Insert1x20p]

I'm thinking maybe to confide with my sister, maybe even show her this thread. As embarassing and humiliating as it will be.

Presumably your sister already knows you haven't left the house for a year. I find it hard to believe this hasn't come up before now? If this was my sister I'd be over at her house and telling your DP to get the hell on before I reenact Misery on him.

[mafsfan]

@cakedup

For those asking, I had been with him for about a year, then covid began and he moved in - to begin with to avoid going back and forth on public transport.

I'm thinking maybe to confide with my sister, maybe even show her this thread. As embarassing and humiliating as it will be.

A year?? You're talking like it's been at least a decade. Kick him out! He is not worthy of being in yours or your DS' life. And book vaccines for the both of you for goodness sake!

[Scottishskifun]

For an "intelligent" man who doesn't see the benefit of a covid vaccination when he has a heart condition hes pretty stupid to think that doesn't help him.

Definitely agree he's using it as an excuse to control, your son should not have his life controlled by a man who either has severe mental health issues or is abusive via control.
Most DOE is based outdoors.... Where covid risk is minimal. Cinemas also have improved ventilation systems which is the risk factor. He doesn't seem very intelligent to me if he doesn't know the basics of how covid is spread or control measures.

You need to reassess completely and not allow such toxicity around your son.

[GnomeDePlume]

Dont be embarrassed. It is all too easy to slide into this sort of situation. What started as concern for you has turned into control of you.

[ilovesooty]

If it's your house, surely you can get an injunction to force him to leave.

[cakedup]

@Insert1x20p my sister lives abroad but does know I've not been anywhere, not sure to what extent. I speak to her once a week with my neice so haven't had a private conversation with her. I don't really get any privacy around here anyway!

[TokyoSushi]

Oh OP, this is horrific, please start taking steps to get yourself out of this situation.

[Fozzleyplum]

I agree with PPs. Your DP is definitely a controlling abuser with a drink problem. He might also be mentally unwell, but you need to get out of this situation.

[thewhatsit]

He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid.

I really don’t understand this - he wants to stop you getting Covid but not himself dying of liver disease or a heart attack or you or him having major depression from such a shitty life? Why is it just Covid he is avoiding?

If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it.

See I have just never felt like this. The likelihood is that if your DS gets it he’ll be absolutely fine. I never “regret” getting a cold because they are a practically permanent result of having any kind of life in winter.

Of course there is a chance Covid could be worse but still… isn’t it a risk worth taking for a life worth living? If you were having a decent life then maybe it’s something to consider but you are not at all.

If I think back to the worst

[LobsterNapkin]

OP, talking to your sister is a good idea. She'll be better able to see what your situation is than people on the internet.

But, lets assume a best case scenario for your partner. He really is ill and having some sort of OCD issues over covid. Which isn't unusual. And it's not that odd either to have very intelligent people to have doubts about vaccination - there is some research that suggests they can actually be more inclined to be doubtful than average.

It's still the case that you can't go on as you have been. His drinking is out of control and you can't really do anything about that. Your son is suffering. And you need to behave normally. Go out, do things you want to with your friends. Get vaccinated if that is something you want to do. Let your son do what you think is best. See your dad, don't wait on that.

Make those changes now, and talk to your sister about the situation to decide where to go from there.

[Coldtoday]

I feel sorry for your child. You only knew this bloke ‘about a year’ then moved him in and look at how it’s turned out. Your poor boy can’t even go to Tesco or study what he wants because of your weird partner.

It’s quite unbelievable. He’s so ill he could drop dead but he gets drunk to alleviate his symptoms? He didn’t go to school but he advises professors? He’s from a science background but doesn’t believe in the vaccine? Is he having a laugh? What are you actually doing?

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Your son has had anxiety issues and OCD and it sounds like he's finally reached a point where he is happy to go out and do things - 6th form/tescos with friends/cinema/DoE ..... he should absolutely be strongly encouraged to do all these things 100%. Please don't let your arsehole 'DP' set him back again. Get rid. And I never join the bandwagon of saying LTB on these threads.

[Queenoftheashes]

Hmm he does sound dreadful. And if he’s worried about his health he wouldn’t drink so yeah he does sound like he’s using covid to control and imprison you. Also saying he’s very private = doesn’t want you to tell anyone what he’s like as they’ll tell you to leave him. Because he’s awful.

[TiddlesTheTiger]

Don't worry about embarrassment.

Definitely tell your sister and get her to back you up.
If she's anything like the posters on here, she'll be furious on your behalf.

This man has a home and only moved in to yours to save traveling back & forth?
Get him out right away!

[RaisinFlapjack]

This is honestly one of the most startling things I have read on here.

I’m sure it’s more complicated than it looks - we can’t judge your whole life and relationship from a few paragraphs. But it’s abundantly clear from the basic facts you’ve given us that this is situation is NOT OK. It has to change, you cannot go on living your life like this.

Ignore covid for a minute. Your DP has a heart condition that confines him to bed, and drives him to drink and you to anxiety, yet he is not properly medicated for it? This is not rational behaviour. He may be wildly intelligent in some areas but this is just utterly stupid, and not only self-destructive but destroying his relationship with you.

As for covid - living in terror of the virus and yet not getting jabbed is absolutely insane. Everyone needs to find a level of risk they are willing to tolerate when it comes to covid but living like a hermit is no way to cope.

[MarbleQueen]

This guy is a fantasist, a whacko and a nasty alchoholic.

You need a plan to get this guy out of your home ASAP. I cannot believe what I’m reading.

[ThePoisonousMushroom]

So he’s an alcoholic, he doesn’t take the appropriate medication for his blood pressure and it’s covid he’s worried about killing him?

[Franklyfrost]

@ cakedup

Might be by the by but he only started drinking every day since his symptoms got worse a couple of months ago. Was just once a week before that.

Are you 100% sure it wasn’t the other way around and his symptoms got worse because he started drinking more. From the nhs website: ‘ Heavy drinking can also increase your blood pressure and blood cholesterol levels, both of which are major risk factors for heart attacks and strokes.’