Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

[PerfectlyUnsuitable]

@cakedup

By the way, Friday nights - which are usually the worst where DP drinks more, plays music louder and historically the time when he says something nasty or bullying towards me. Well last night it was strange, he didn't play music as loud and was not hostile towards me. I am really really sure that he senses when I am ready to end the relationship.

Yep he knows.
He knows he has pushed you too far and is trying to look nice so you can then doubt yourself.
Be ready fir him to extra nice too.

Don’t be fooled though. It’s only a mean to an end.

[Jux]

Honestly, cakedup, there are threads in 'Relationships' from the year dot where a controlling person has suddenly become ill or developed new serious symptoms or similar just when they sense their victim pulling away.

Remember, it would be NORMAL to call an ambulance for chest pains.

[Jux]

Please call an ambulance for him for the chest pains. If they're real, and they may be, then that's what he needs, and if they're not, then that''s what you need to know. As his partner and carer, it would be very normal for you to stay in the room as they examine him and decide on their course of action -- dh stays with me, as does dd, so the paramedics don't have to tell them what I need or what they've done etc afterwards.

[TotallyWipedout]

OP, I know it's a lot to take in. But please try not to feel bad about his convenient chest pains. My ex husband came out with all kinds of invented illnesses when I left him, and also said he was going to kill himself.

Whatever he did was not my problem, and I didn't make it my problem (needless to say, he did not kill himself, and had nothing wrong with him either).

Ending your relationship with a manipulative monster is not unkind of you. It's the best thing for your son, too.

[user33323]

Oh OP, this was such a disturbing read. A really severe case of a controlling abusive relationship. I can't imagine someone being a prisoner in their own home for such a long time, this is horrific. Most abusers have a good side, are victims themselves historically and they don't abuse knowingly, which is how people wind up in these situations because you have a false stereotype of an abusive man in your head that doesn't match with him. But this IS abuse.

[Somebodylikeyew]

Nah, he knows something’s up.

[TiddlesTheTiger]

At least get him to call 111 today, about the chest pains.

I am insisting he speaks to his gp on monday, follows medical advice and stops drinking in the week. I will tell him that unless he does these things he will have to leave.
Have you told him this?
How did he react?

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

*know that

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

@ilovesooty

If you get him into an ambulance for his chest pains it's one way of getting him to leave the house of course.

Oh yes, totally out of concern. You'll be able to tell the paramedics about how high his blood pressure is and that he wants you to watch over him night and day in case he dies - and that he has his own house; make sure they no that and that he says he's too ill to go home. They'll get the idea.

Do it now before he's too drunk.

[zafferana]

Someone with serious heart issues having chest pains is a 999 call OP. Whether he's actually having chest pains or whether this is yet more conveniently timed manipulation will be evident from his reaction to you calling an ambulance! But it wouldn't surprise me if he sensed a change in you after reading this thread and realised that he needed to up the ante in order to prevent you kicking him out - and look how well it worked! You're being played like a fiddle OP.

[ilovesooty]

If you get him into an ambulance for his chest pains it's one way of getting him to leave the house of course.

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

No one will blame you for taking your time, its a very big thing to do, deal with and then the reality afterwards.
But you really do not have to be 'nice'.
You can be firm and fair. Far to much pressure on women to be 'nice' put everyone else first however shitty their behaviour, or whatever problems they have. His drink problem, HE needs to get help, his physical health, HE needs to sort out doctors, His controlling behaviour, HIM to sort out it driving everyone away. You are still trying to make excuses for him, and to give him gold stars for being semi normal for once. Not playing music so loud? Well how about not at all. Its part of the love bombing with these types. They can sense you are 'cooling off' so do a quite reset to lure you back. Tell you what you want to hear?
But I get its not easy, really I do and I mesn that with kindness and understanding!
But stop being 'nice' be firm. You will get more respect, self respect if nothing else.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I couldn’t bear that amount of noise either. I need quiet.

However, chest pains need an ambulance, if you ring the drs they’d say ring an ambulance & they’d send one for him.

Who cares if people think your heartless? Do these people want to live with him instead?.

[ilovesooty]

His terrible chest pains today seem very convenient.

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

DP has terrible chest pains this morning and is clearly struggling. I'd have to be heartless to do anything right now


Which is exactly why his 'chest pains' have happened right now. Just like I bet they do every time it's looking like you might be thinking of doing something that he doesn't want you to do.


One of my exes did almost the same. He'd fake an asthma attack as soon as I left the room to get changed/wash my hair. I fell for it a couple of times before it clicked. On the third time, it sounded as though he 'collapsed' three times, getting louder each time, the last directly against the bathroom door. After that, there was the dramatic clapping his hand to his face and doubling up with pain from the agony of a 'sudden searing pain' in his head.


It all gets rather tedious, to be honest.

[LadyGAgain]

@cakedup

DS had OCD before DP came along.

I'm kind of shocked and upset by answers so far.

No haven't had jabs - DP doesn't agree with this! We know of people who have been double jabbed and still ended up in hospital with covid.

This is my home by the way, it would be DP that is leaving. I do love him though. How can I tell him to leave when he can barely leave the house?

*@Insert1x20p* he doesn't have qualifications, he barely went to school. But genius does run in his family. Experienced professionals and academics come to him for advice.

So you're effectively a prisoner in your own home with an uneducated functioning alcoholic who is so afraid of covid that he won't 'allow' himself and you to get jabbed. Oh ok then.

You have your own home, a sixth former who needs to spread his wings and develop socially and emotionally which currently you aren't affording him the opportunity to do so.

What does DP bring to the table? Sounds like fuck all in the grand scheme of things. Bin him off and LIVE your life.

And get vaccinated and form your own opinions.

[pastypirate]

Yes pastypirate it can be very very subtle, very gradual. If it manifested all from the start, I would not have got involved. Having said that, I admit I ignored many red flags.

As did I - we are only human x

[cakedup]

@dustofneptune

Thank you for this *@dustofneptune* . And you know what one thing I have always really valued about my life (and always said is one of the benefits of being single) - my freedom. And yes, I should think me and DS are more important to me than he is, no matter how bad i feel for letting him go.

No problem, *@cakedup*

So there you go. I had a feeling. You know in your heart what you want and need. You've recognised a pattern, and this relationship has clarified that pattern for you. It's served a purpose. Seek your freedom.

One last thing I want to say to you is this -

If he really would give up everything to help you, if you were in need?

• He wouldn't dream of playing loud music when he knows it tortures you.
• He would respect your wish to be vaccinated, to go out, to travel for work, to see friends, to see your father.
• He would say, "Whatever you want to do, I completely respect. But for now, this means I will need to move back to my own place."
• He wouldn't ask you to be by his bedside all day.
• He wouldn't continue to drink, knowing the effect it has when he does. Three weeks or not, it doesn't matter.
• He would seek proper help for his health issues instead of laying them fully on you.
• He would have given you the space you asked for when you told him to leave previously, and respected your boundaries instead of bombarding and bulldozing you.

Controlling people ARE USUALLY VERY HELPFUL.
They can be very generous, but it's important to understand that this benefits them.
They will bend over backwards, because this puts them in a central place in your life. It positions them as irreplaceable. You become reliant on them - financially, emotionally, intellectually, whatever it might be.
They may even suddenly throw a 180 and completely respect your wish for space, or a breakup, IF they think this is the way to win you back.
They want to appear as compliant and loving and helpful as possible. This way, they believe you won't leave them.
Controlling people can have just as many abandonment issues as codependent people. It's two sides of one coin and can't be solved by continuing the dysfunctional pattern.

A person doesn't have to be abusive to be absolutely terrible for your wellbeing. You don't need a label or specific big reason to exit the relationship and claim your own home back. Simply telling him that you can no longer live like this is enough.

Be strong. You've got this.

*@dustofneptune* your post makes so much sense and rings so true.

[cakedup]

@pastypirate

I sometimes feel his ideal world would be just him and me on an island.

This is what my dp would choose and we are in the throes of a breakup. I think once I realised how unhealthy this is the relationship started crumbling.

The op made me reflect on the nature of controlling behaviour. It's not a sudden change it's a slow drip. It isn't the same with every man and has a huge spectrum. For example my partner does not get jealous of other men and had never passed comment alluding to this. But if I want to change my appearance he makes subtle comments and I call it neutrally unsupportive but it's there. Whee wed n I mentioned starting back at the gym he was borderline panicking trying to stop me without overtly trying to stop me.

Yes pastypirate it can be very very subtle, very gradual. If it manifested all from the start, I would not have got involved. Having said that, I admit I ignored many red flags.

[cakedup]

By the way, Friday nights - which are usually the worst where DP drinks more, plays music louder and historically the time when he says something nasty or bullying towards me. Well last night it was strange, he didn't play music as loud and was not hostile towards me. I am really really sure that he senses when I am ready to end the relationship.

[VanCleefArpels]

On the access to GP issue in my experience calling 111 and getting an emergency walk in spot works better. If chest pains I’d be calling 999 no need to get his permission for that!!

[cakedup]

@Jux

He does not want to end up a bed ridden stroke victim and force those around him to have to care for him. He cared for his own parents at a young age for many years. I pleaded with him to get some help last week, he has spent over a week trying to speak to his doctor, promised call backs (one time they had his old number, another time the dr was sent out on an emergency call etc etc) but nothing yet materialised.

Read that first sentence. That's already happening isn't it, and he doesn't seem to mind. His refusal to use the medical help available to him, pills whatever, also show the length he's prepared to go to in order to keep you dancing attendance on him.

Get your jabs, you and ds - the sense of freedom you get is enormous! Please protect yourself against Covid as much as you can - I know there's a new variant and he'll use that as yet another excuse to keep you prisoner but ignore. There'll be a vaccine for that one in good time, too.

He does need to leave. You think you love him but you can't really tell when you've nothing else in your life. He knows that. He's taken advantage of the isolation that Covid brought, and run with it. Half his job was done for him. Don't do the other half. You are worth so much more.

@Jux your post makes so much sense. I think if i had my normal life right now this would be so much easier. And if he wasn't in ill health it would be easier still.

[cakedup]

@Chessie678

OP I think people on this thread can't know for certain what your partner's motivations are and how ill he actually is or not and how intelligent he actually is.

He might be intentionally faking a fear of covid and dissuading you from having the vaccine to control you and overplaying his symptoms to give himself an excuse to lie around and drink or he might actually be extremely afraid of covid and of the vaccine and his anxiety is manifesting as controlling behaviour and he might genuinely feel ill and be using alcohol as a way to try to cope with that. I don't think someone necessarily needs to intend to abuse in order to be abusive - they may feel that their behaviour is rational and reasonable and there may be underlying reasons for it.

It is very clear that your partner is controlling, whether or not he intends to be, and that the life he appears to want is completely incompatible with you and your son having a happy normal life. And even if he is in the throes of a mental health / anxiety crisis right now it doesn't sound at all likely that you will be able to "fix" him because he is starting from a position of such suspicion of the medical profession and lack of desire to help himself.

I just didn't want you to read the thread and think that because some of the comments about your partner don't ring true to you, you should ignore the underlying message.

Thank you @Chessie678 I have been also telling myself this. Because if i start thinking that people have got it wrong, then I might doubt what they've got right.

Bear with me....I know you all think I should do something today but it really isn't as easy as that. I must admit i had a wobble over the new covid variant yesterday and thought just when I was preparing to go out there, this new concerning variant comes along. DP has terrible chest pains this morning and is clearly struggling. I'd have to be heartless to do anything right now. However, after another week of "the gp never called back" I am insisting he speaks to his gp on monday, follows medical advice and stops drinking in the week. I will tell him that unless he does these things he will have to leave. That will be hard enough. I feel if he was in better health i can insist on him going back to his house for a while (even though I have tried this before).

I have experienced MN turning on the poster at this point - oh she's not going to do anything, she obviously doesn't prioritise her son, why even post on here etc. I am also trying to minimise having regrets and reducing trauma for all involved.

[itsallgoingpearshaped]

You need to bite the bullet and make him leave. Then block him on everything.

And then you need therapy/counselling ... something to get to the root of why you only get involved with men who will take advantage of your good, kind, decent nature.

Because you are a good person. And you deserve so much better. and so does your son.

[YukoandHiro]

I'm normally really anti LTB but this is a clear case of abuse and control - OP I really hope you can find a way out of this quickly and regain your life and happiness.

How does your son feel about your partner?