Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

[ilovesooty]

His terrible chest pains today seem very convenient.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I couldn’t bear that amount of noise either. I need quiet.

However, chest pains need an ambulance, if you ring the drs they’d say ring an ambulance & they’d send one for him.

Who cares if people think your heartless? Do these people want to live with him instead?.

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

No one will blame you for taking your time, its a very big thing to do, deal with and then the reality afterwards.
But you really do not have to be 'nice'.
You can be firm and fair. Far to much pressure on women to be 'nice' put everyone else first however shitty their behaviour, or whatever problems they have. His drink problem, HE needs to get help, his physical health, HE needs to sort out doctors, His controlling behaviour, HIM to sort out it driving everyone away. You are still trying to make excuses for him, and to give him gold stars for being semi normal for once. Not playing music so loud? Well how about not at all. Its part of the love bombing with these types. They can sense you are 'cooling off' so do a quite reset to lure you back. Tell you what you want to hear?
But I get its not easy, really I do and I mesn that with kindness and understanding!
But stop being 'nice' be firm. You will get more respect, self respect if nothing else.

[ilovesooty]

If you get him into an ambulance for his chest pains it's one way of getting him to leave the house of course.

[zafferana]

Someone with serious heart issues having chest pains is a 999 call OP. Whether he's actually having chest pains or whether this is yet more conveniently timed manipulation will be evident from his reaction to you calling an ambulance! But it wouldn't surprise me if he sensed a change in you after reading this thread and realised that he needed to up the ante in order to prevent you kicking him out - and look how well it worked! You're being played like a fiddle OP.

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

@ilovesooty

If you get him into an ambulance for his chest pains it's one way of getting him to leave the house of course.

Oh yes, totally out of concern. You'll be able to tell the paramedics about how high his blood pressure is and that he wants you to watch over him night and day in case he dies - and that he has his own house; make sure they no that and that he says he's too ill to go home. They'll get the idea.

Do it now before he's too drunk.

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

*know that

[TiddlesTheTiger]

At least get him to call 111 today, about the chest pains.

I am insisting he speaks to his gp on monday, follows medical advice and stops drinking in the week. I will tell him that unless he does these things he will have to leave.
Have you told him this?
How did he react?

[Somebodylikeyew]

Nah, he knows something’s up.

[user33323]

Oh OP, this was such a disturbing read. A really severe case of a controlling abusive relationship. I can't imagine someone being a prisoner in their own home for such a long time, this is horrific. Most abusers have a good side, are victims themselves historically and they don't abuse knowingly, which is how people wind up in these situations because you have a false stereotype of an abusive man in your head that doesn't match with him. But this IS abuse.

[TotallyWipedout]

OP, I know it's a lot to take in. But please try not to feel bad about his convenient chest pains. My ex husband came out with all kinds of invented illnesses when I left him, and also said he was going to kill himself.

Whatever he did was not my problem, and I didn't make it my problem (needless to say, he did not kill himself, and had nothing wrong with him either).

Ending your relationship with a manipulative monster is not unkind of you. It's the best thing for your son, too.

[Jux]

Please call an ambulance for him for the chest pains. If they're real, and they may be, then that's what he needs, and if they're not, then that''s what you need to know. As his partner and carer, it would be very normal for you to stay in the room as they examine him and decide on their course of action -- dh stays with me, as does dd, so the paramedics don't have to tell them what I need or what they've done etc afterwards.

[Jux]

Honestly, cakedup, there are threads in 'Relationships' from the year dot where a controlling person has suddenly become ill or developed new serious symptoms or similar just when they sense their victim pulling away.

Remember, it would be NORMAL to call an ambulance for chest pains.

[PerfectlyUnsuitable]

@cakedup

By the way, Friday nights - which are usually the worst where DP drinks more, plays music louder and historically the time when he says something nasty or bullying towards me. Well last night it was strange, he didn't play music as loud and was not hostile towards me. I am really really sure that he senses when I am ready to end the relationship.

Yep he knows.
He knows he has pushed you too far and is trying to look nice so you can then doubt yourself.
Be ready fir him to extra nice too.

Don’t be fooled though. It’s only a mean to an end.