Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

[Fl0w3ry]

This doesn’t sound real to me.
If it is real, I feel for you OP , it sounds like you are living in a very closed world.
I am very cautious about covid and have underlying health issues but I still put a mask on and get on with things. Most people are either living their lives as normal and even the more cautious people like me are getting on with things with a few more precautions like handgel etc. Its like you and your family froze in time at the start of the pandemic, and I agree with others, it does sound like your partner is using his health and covid to control you all. You need to get yourself out of this situation and live.

[Insert1x20p]

He needs medication for his blood pressure but has been putting this off.

Of course he has- probably cant see straight because he's so pissed.

[ilovesooty]

This is one of the most awful situations I've ever read on here. I hope you tell him to leave for the sake of you and your son.

[SickAndTiredAgain]

Ok so he doesn’t agree that vaccines help - this is really not the sign of a genius. All the experts agree on vaccinating adults, and certainly adults with health issues like the ones you describe for your DP. This should be your biggest sign that this is not an intelligent man coming from a place of caring about you, it’s about control. Even if he is a genius who thinks the vaccines are bad, why is he deciding for you on your medical decisions. Is he deciding for your son as well?
If you get the jabs, he may lose that control over you because you may not be as easily persuadable that, for example, you shouldn’t get on the tube or go to a shop, or have someone come to fit a dishwasher. Then you might start seeing friends again, seeing your family and someone as controlling as your partner sounds really does not want that.

[onlychildhamster]

Your DH and you need to get vaxxed asap. If he has health anxiety and health problems, it's a no brainer, almost everyone in ICU now is unvaccinated.

[TulipVictory]

Please listen to all of the replies on here OP, you need to take off the rose tinted glasses now. He is not a good man & he has got you right where he wants you.

I really hope that this if your moment & I wish you and your Son a happy & healthy future. You deserve your life back.

[cakedup]

@whitehorsesdonotlie

Well, he can't be that intelligent if he hasn't been jabbed!! What a tool.

OP, he is using the excuve of Covid to massively control you and your ds. Your ds should absolutely be going out for lunch, doing DoE, seeing friends, socialising - he has 18 months of his teenage life to reclaim!!

You - what do you to that YOU enjoy? You seem to spend your whole life making sure that your horrible dh is happy. Leave him to it.

Go out of the bedroom. Go out. See friends. Tell him to listen to his music on headphones as you don't like it. Don't sit beside him in bed all day - do what suits YOU! If he loved you, he would want you to be happy and healthy. You have put your whole life on hold for this tosser. What if you were run over by a bus tomorrow? You'd have wasted your last 18 months by not seeing anyone!!

I bet your h is 'private' - he doesn't want anyone else hearing about how unfair and horrible he's being!! He knows he's being a dick.

Can you imagine a life without him like a millstone around your neck? What does he bring to your life? Anything positive at all?

OP, sorry I sound so vehement, but this post has really shocked me, I hate to think of you wasting your life like this.

You have one precious life - please reclaim yours by throwing out your dh now.

What does he bring to my life?

He makes me feel special. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. He makes me laugh so much. He thinks I am beautiful and adores me. He builds me up, tells me about my good qualities. He drops everything if I tell him I need him. He can be great company.

[stayathomer]

I'm so sorry I agree this isn't actually a covid thing (as a person who is in the daily 'what will we let the kids do' thing with dh).I will give the advice on the covid thing- pick your battles, places and people, and if you decide they can go somewhere and they do get it, well they got it, it's the worst luck but you can't beat yourself up over it (you hear me? You are not allowed!!!) The other thing, the music the drinking etc, it's not normal, it's not okay and you need to talk to him about it. You deserve a non eggshell life. Every human being deserves to not feel on edge all the time. Take care op

[Insert1x20p]

Is this a LT relationship? How did you meet? Do his adult children ever come to the house?

[cakedup]

To be absolutely honest. I have told him to leave before. Even for just a break. But he won't go.

[Coldtoday]

This is all quite shocking.

[TheKeatingFive]

Jeez OP, this is no way to live. Get out.

[cakedup]

@Insert1x20p what is LT? A family member is close friends with him. His adult DD came to the house once but not since covid.

[BlueShirtGirl]

WTAF? I don’t know if this is real but if it is you need to give your head a good wobble OP. You need to get out of this horrid situation or at least get your DS out. What an awful, terrible way to live, and worst still you’re showing your kids that a life like this is acceptable. It’s bloody weird! And a whole load of abusive!!
Really hope this isn’t real…!

[RB68]

How to get him to leave, hmmm personally I would be getting an ambulance for him next time he has an episode and not allowing him back in the house, if that is the only way to get him out

[Insert1x20p]

LT- long term- basically is this a new thing or you been with him 10 years?

His adult DD came to the house once but not since covid.

Ok- so you met his daughter once but you believe that he's advising her on her quantum physics Phd despite having no academic qualifications. He "advises his MP" probably means he writes any emails a lot.

I know this sounds harsh but you really need to wake up. If he won't leave, call the police, or just chuck a bottle of wine down the driveway and shout "fetch". Then slam the door and put the chain on.

[FFSFFSFFS]

He makes me feel special. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. He makes me laugh so much. He thinks I am beautiful and adores me. He builds me up, tells me about my good qualities. He drops everything if I tell him I need him. He can be great company

Honestly - you're deluded. I suspect that you have incredibly low self esteem and probably trauma in your past - and its manifesting itself in this incredibly toxic relationship. But to leave you will have to face up to the delusion and then face the actual underlying issue. Which would take great courage and effort.

But OP be very clear that he is doing the exact opposite of building you up. He is breaking you down - and putting your health at risk by stopping you from getting the vaccine.

I can already tell you won't get him to leave though.

[TomelettewithGreggs]

Of course this genius is an anti-vaxxer.

[SallyWD]

This is no life for you and your son OP and you know it. I felt so sad reading your post. My husband is also an extremely intelligent man (a scientist and a professor) and he is also very concerned and careful about Covid. However, he realises we have to live our lives and that we must always weigh up the risks and benefits of each situation. He would never stop me or my children from going out or seeing friends because he knows that a life without social contact would most likely be far more damaging to us than Covid. I can't believe that despite his fear he won't be vaccinated! OK, some people who've been vaccinated do end up seriously ill and even die but seriously - just look at the stats. You are far, far less likely to become very ill with Covid after vaccination. Covid will be here for YEARS OP. Are you going to let your husband keep you prisoner for years to come? At the moment you are all living life on his terms and being controlled by him and it's just not acceptable. I can tell you're depressed and have lost all enjoyment in life. Things need to change.

[Fireflygal]

Honestly this like a script for a thriller.

How long have you been together? Where did he live beforehand? I think he has to leave so you can start to have a life.

What happens when you tell him your son has been I'm a shop, how does he react?

[TinaYouFatLard]

OP please at the very least, reconnect with your friends. They are right when they tell you it’s okay out there. People are not living the way you are.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Firstly, your DP is NOT intelligent, he is NOT well informed, and you should NOT be giving any weight to his opinions because of his alleged "science background". If he ever had a good understanding of science, this has been undermined by the alcohol and obvious mental health problems.

You are responsible for making good and sensible choices for yourself and your DS, and the best thing you can do is separate yourself physically and mentally from this man before he destroys you all.

[SickAndTiredAgain]

His adult DD came to the house once but not since covid

So does he tell you he advises her on her PhD? Even if he does email her, who tells you it’s of any use to her? Maybe she deletes it all, or finds it easier to humour him and say “thanks dad, really helpful”

[HesterShaw1]

@cakedup

To be absolutely honest. I have told him to leave before. Even for just a break. But he won't go.

Well you have to go then.

[bookworm14]

If he was genuinely that frightened about covid he would get the vaccine and would want you to have it too. He doesn’t want you to have it because he wants to control you.