Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

I used to love my home, somewhere where I felt safe and free and even that's gone.

Oh, OP, this is really sad. This is YOUR home - not your h's! You have only been together two years - such a short time. He doesn't treat you well if this is how he makes you feel in your own home!

Tell him to move back to his.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

I was alone for 7 years before I met him. I'm not pretty, charming, clever or good at anything, I probably won't meet anyone else - although I was ok on my own, lonely at times but ok.

Were you happier on your own than you are now, OP? You can be OK on your own again too. And while you're with your p, you're not out there meeting new men! Men who aren't alcoholics, who aren't controlling...

And I bet you're lovely - funny, kind, thoughtful, a good mum...

[Pashazade]

Ok he still has his own place, then he can go back there. You can continue this relationship (if you must, it really isn't healthy) once he is no longer living in your house. If he refuses to leave call the police but you need to reclaim your space and stop crippling your life with his daily presence.

[EllieLucy]

I feel so sorry for you. Can't you see the pattern here? Your alcoholic husband controls everything and you and your son have anxiety problems. He's not being loving here, he's controlling everything and wanting his own way all the time. I feel sorry for his situation too but drinking isn't a solution, it's making everything worse.

As you've found out, if you don't go out with friends you'll find you have none. Most friendship is people who like each other and want to go to the same places and do the same things. They're not going to visit you at home because that's not what they want from a friendship. Your husband's controlling behaviour and your own fear of covid is what's lost you friends, not covid itself. There comes a time when you have to weigh up the risks of covid and dying versus living in miserable isolation for the foreseeable future. Covid isn't going away.

Your son needs to go Tesco for lunch, cinema with mates and Duke of Edinburgh, plus anything else normal. If you say no you'll be wrecking his friendships too, causing him to become isolated and making his MH worse. If he's lucky and you don't destroy him too much he'll jump at the chance to move out ASAP and then that'll be another person you've lost from your life, who doesn't visit his controlling parents because they made his life miserable. Is that what you want?

Sod your husband wanting you to listen to music. He's not more important than you. It upsets you so don't do it. You're not obligated to do something you intensely dislike just to please someone else. Go out when he does that. And yes alcoholics get nasty and become abusive, it's part of the condition.

Go for a walk in daylight, you can't sit on the bed all day watching him. Tell work you want the outdoor opportunity, they maybe unlikely to ask again now you've turned it down twice, so ensure they know. See your friends. No it's not 100% safe and it never will be. Covid is here to stay it's not going to be eradicated and you can't live like you are forever.

Yes I realise your husband could die when you're out but where does this stop? You manage to cope with not sitting on your dad's bed keeping an eye. Do you never cross the road in case you get run over? Life is full of risks. You can't avoid them all. Seek further help for your anxiety if it's keeping you housebound.

Will you be glued to husband's side forever more as he sinks further into alcoholism, destroying your life as well as his own? Don't kid yourself, re mornings. He doesn't get up because he's hungover and in withdrawal and he feels shit. That's what's incapacitated him as much as any other problems. Whatever the reason he started drinking, he's now alleviating his symptoms of alcohol withdrawal every night.

You need to stand upto him. He's ill but so are you and your son! His illness doesn't give him the right to have final say on every thing and control every move you and your son makes.

[cakedup]

@Rocket1982

If you are all unvaccinated then COVID is indeed a risk to you, especially given your partner's poor health. You should get vaccinated and encourage your DS to get vaccinated even if your partner won't as that is the single thing that will reduce your risk from where it is. What do you and your partner see as the end game here? Keep living this way for the rest of your lives? COVID isn't going anywhere and it will continue to be a risk, particularly for the unvaccinated for years and maybe decades. Once you get vaccinated, you need to live your life but reduce your risk where you can, e.g. use public transport but use a medical grade FFP3 face mask. Your partner will need to choose whether to live with you and accept some risk (and if he's sensible he will get vaccinated), or to live on his own.

This is what I've said to him. Covid is not going away, we can't live like this for, how long...another 2 years? 5 years? 10 Years? but he kept moving the goalposts. "we'll know more in December" and now December is approaching "February/March will a deciding factor"

[EnidFrighten]

So he still has his own place? He can live there.

He is making you all live crap lives because he disagrees with vaccines and won't take medication for his blood pressure, so instead you have to lie around next to him all day?

He may be very intelligent. Your problem is that you've decided his intelligence means your needs and wants don't matter any more. You're a person. You get choices about how to live your life.

Change the locks on him, vaccinate your family, start living again!

[Glinsk]

Was his original move in was prompted by lockdown? Intended to be temporary?
I think you could edge out of this by asking him to move back to his own place and see what comes from there.
I suspect it would be a weight off your shoulders.

If you can defend your son's right to go to Tesco you can defend his right to have the vaccine.

[Wintersnuggles10]

You are letting this man control you. He is entitled to his opinion on covid, do are you. If you want to go out then you must. I am gobsmacked that you've basically been shielding away from life for nearly 2 years!! For goodness sake go out!! Just tell him your going out for a walk. Go for a coffee somewhere. Meet a friend. He doesn't even need to know. If he doesn't like it then he can leave.
You absolutely must not let him control your son. I'm sorry but your son must hate him and I'm sure he can't wait to get away which is awful for you because you are innocent in this

[EnidFrighten]

And by the way, you don't have to be Angelina Jolie to find someone to date you!

[BlueRabbitWasNaughty]

I can't believe people are really living like this - get yourself and your son vaccinated and then gradually start to live your lives again.

[userxx]

Bloody hell op, so many levels of wrongness in your post. Personally I'd ask him to leave, alcoholics are not fun to live with. The whole covid thing seems to be a way to control you.

[cakedup]

Thank you all for your input. For taking the time out to help a complete stranger. I resisted coming on here because I felt sometimes MN can be a bit too quick off the mark to say LTB. But you are all making sense I cannot ignore.

I have just texted my sister to say things are quite right, it's a massive step for me.

[Rainallnight]

I am gobsmacked that he’s anti Covid vaccines. That’s your best chance of ‘freedom’, from the Covid prison he’s put you all in, and he doesn’t want you to have it. That’s all the proof you need right there that he’s controlling and abusive.

Your life sounds really terrible. I’m sorry to be so blunt. And in staying with this man, you’re inflicting it on your DS as well.

[Serenschintte]

This might be very helpful for you www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[thewhatsit]

You absolutely must not let him control your son. I'm sorry but your son must hate him and I'm sure he can't wait to get away which is awful for you because you are innocent in this

And yes this. You are ruining your son’s life.

It’s not just the huge fear of Covid and never leaving the house. It’s also that being in the house is intolerable because of an angry, drunken man who plays his music loudly and decided what you both do.

If you don’t want to kick him out for you do it for your son before it’s too late.

And tomorrow is Friday. Don’t live through another Friday like you’ve described. Take your son out for a bit.

[1forAll74]

For a start, your partner is not being very intelligent, with his continual drinking habit, and you mentioned being afraid of him having a heart attack,or a stroke, not to mention staying in bed for ages. He will inevitably be on the way, for some bad health matters in the future, if this is his style of living.. His alcohol problem, and the way alcohol can dumb down the brain, can also be altering the way he sees things in life, as in all his theories about Covid etc.

I use to live with a serious alcoholic many years ago,( now dead) he used to have music , and TV blaring out ,day and night, talked absolute rubbish most of the time,and lost all sense of reality.

Had there been any children in the house, I would not have wanted them to be involved with any of this dreadful scenario every day. The drink ,liver wise, and brain wise finally finished him off eventually.

[Mythreeknights]

Life is out there OP, it's still very much there. You need to be brave and get your life, and your son's life back on track. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. You don't owe him your life, irrespective of how he wants to waste his.

[jamsandwich1]

Oh my god, the more I have read the more I cannot believe this! OP you sound like you have incredibly low self esteem and your partner is abusive and controlling.
You almost seem to have been brainwashed.
This man is not a genius, no matter what he says. As if an academic or professional would come to him for advice!
If he was scared of covid, he would be vaccinated. It’s just an excuse to control you.
I imagine excessive alcohol intake and uncontrolled hypertension is more likely to finish him off before covid will. Please talk to someone, he sounds like he’s isolated you. You need to leave.

[zafferana]

Well, he can't be that intelligent if he hasn't been jabbed!! What a tool.
and
Wow, he’s really done a number on you OP.
with bells on.

OP, surely you can see that none of this makes any sense? Your DP barely went to school but he's some kind of genius that advises people on their PhDs? Come on.

You're in a relationship with an abusive, controlling, alcoholic fantasist who lies around in bed the whole time while you wait on him hand and foot. I've rarely been more saddened and distressed to read an OP than yours.

If this is all true and you're not some kind of troll please kick this monster out and live a normal life with your DS. Covid is only a threat to those who aren't vaccinated, so FFS go and get vaccinated and get your DS vaccinated too, then you will be at absolutely minimal risk of serious illness and hospitalisation.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

If he has a heart condition and really high blood pressure, then by drinking and not being vaccinated against covid he is putting his health hugely at risk, and in order to stop himself being ill he is controlling you and your sons life - and not getting vaccinated and stopping drinking, he could do these two. Things and he would be fine. I think he needs to go OP! He's treating you so badly and you deserve better.

[zafferana]

And well done on this OP - I hadn't got as far as the last page before I replied: I have just texted my sister to say things are quite right, it's a massive step for me.

You need help to see your situation for what it is. Reaching out to those who love and care about you outside of this controlling relationship is essential for you to reclaim your life from this horrible man.

[Coldtoday]

Do you actually want the vaccine for yourself and your son?

[OakPine]

Please don't do yourself down. You have your own house, and from what I understand you brought up a child on your own until he moved in. That's not nothing.

If you don't want to split up with him then could you ask him to move back to his place for the moment while there is a pandemic on. You could still theoretically see each other if you wanted to. However, this would then allow you and your household to get vaccinated and move on with your lives.
xx

[minipie]

Well done for texting your sister. Please tell her the truth, all of it. I hope she will give you the strength you need to leave.

[HesterShaw1]

@cakedup

Thank you all for your input. For taking the time out to help a complete stranger. I resisted coming on here because I felt sometimes MN can be a bit too quick off the mark to say LTB. But you are all making sense I cannot ignore.

I have just texted my sister to say things are quite right, it's a massive step for me.

Very glad to read this update OP.

The first step is recognising that things aren't right. It is a big step.