Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

[pjani]

Wait wait wait you haven’t been vaccinated? He is the very opposite of clever about the threat of covid.

I am sorry but he is not who you think he is. Academics might find him interesting or quirky (school friends???) but he is actually completely wrong on this health/public health matter.

Please read this thread very carefully. There are some strong truths in here. You can’t let him stay just to protect him from ‘life outside’. I would suggest giving him a timeline eg 2 weeks to leave.

[HesterShaw1]

@Insert1x20p

Experienced professionals and academics come to him for advice.

LOLZ- course they do. Wow- he has REALLY done a number on you.

🤔 Really? To a man with barely any education and qualifications?

[IfNot]

Well he sounds like a drunk abusive fantasist. If this is real, can you really not see that? Don’t do this to your son. Kick the fucker out and be happy.

[SickAndTiredAgain]

No haven't had jabs - DP doesn't agree with this! We know of people who have been double jabbed and still ended up in hospital with covid.

Which bit doesn’t he agree with, that you haven’t had the jabs? Or he doesn’t agree with the jabs?

he doesn't have qualifications, he barely went to school. But genius does run in his family. Experienced professionals and academics come to him for advice.

Why would they do this? What field? Genius runs in his family and people come to him for advice - do you know this to be true? Or does he just say people come to him for advice?

[FrownedUpon]

Get your jab! Why are you going along with everything your DP says.

He sounds horrendous. I’m sure he thinks he’s a genius 🙄. Please get yourself and your child out of this relationship and reclaim your lives.

[cakedup]

@TulipVictory he is usually a very hard worker, used to get about 4 -5 hours sleep and work from 7am - 10pm. Covid affected his work so his hours lessened and the work became more difficult for him.

He has inherited heart disease from both parents. He has chest pains every day and blood pressure so high he can barely see and his head feels on the verge of exploding. The drink can numb these symptoms to a degree.

I have told him that drinking isn't the answer, he knows this.

[Slayduggee]

You cannot make an alcoholic better they can only start to get better when they acknowledge they are an alcoholic.

[ThePoisonousMushroom]

Wow, he’s really done a number on you OP.

[Insert1x20p]

This is so weird. He has no scientific qualifications but experienced professionals come to him for advice? Why?

OP- honestly, Think about this rationally. I think you must know that this is just not true. What is his actual job that he does late afternoon/ evenings while knocking back the voddy?

[grapewine]

Oh, OP. Covid is the stick he uses to keep you in line. If you want the jabs, get them. If you want a happy life, get rid of him.

[TomelettewithGreggs]

If your DS has anxiety issues, you should let him do anything that makes him happy, certainly the DoE award. He is far more likely to get mental issues cooped up at home than get long Covid. I might not have said this a year ago but now that the jabs are here, I say get on with life.

By the way, there is plenty of evidence to show that while vaxxed people can get Covid, they are less likely to get it and get it far less severely. Don't go by your anecdata. Ask your GP not your DP!

[backtoschool1234]

Your DP can choose how he lives his life but he doesn't get to have an opinion on how you and your DS live yours. If he wants to drink and listen to music he can but he can't dictate you should too. If you want your covid jabs get them, if you want to visit people, visit them. He sounds like an arse who has somehow convinced you his word is final and it definitely is not.

[Insert1x20p]

He has inherited heart disease from both parents. He has chest pains every day and blood pressure so high he can barely see and his head feels on the verge of exploding

What medication is he on?

[toolazytothinkofausername]

Please tell your partner he has to leave. You and your DS deserve so much better.

[StrictlySinging]

Seems the only ones working on keeping DP alive is you and your son at the cost of the two
of you living any decent life he gets to lie around and drink alternatively.

Covid sucks but there comes a time (now) where the government says (within minimal requirements) get on with your life.

It is safe out there as it is going to be for a long time.

[cakedup]

@SickAndTiredAgain I meant he doesn't agree that vaccines help. Re the genius bit - I do know it to be true, his father was a friend of the family. He advises on political issues to a local MP, he does consultancy type work on sports psychology etc I know it sounds a bit random but I've already given away to much identifiable information and don't want to say too much more. He even advises his dd who is doing her Phd on quantum physics - he just knows a lot of stuff, has a lot of insight and has been recognised as gifted by many.

[cakedup]

Thank you for your replies, it's very kind of you all to take the time.

I'm just trying to take it all in. Can it really be true? Am I really that stupid to end up in this situation?

[HesterShaw1]

The more I read this the more horrified I feel. And almost the worst thing is, I suspect the OP is far from unique. This awful tale is probably being replicated up and down the country - countless incidents of horrible abuse, mainly by men against women and children but not always - which have been swallowed up by Covid and our response to it. Children who have simply dropped off the radar and never gone back to school. Women like the OP whose friends have given up on them so they feel they have nowhere to turn.

And there are still people who defend lockdowns as a policy 😡

Get out of this relationship OP. Get yourself and your poor child out. Your partner will destroy you.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

Well, he can't be that intelligent if he hasn't been jabbed!! What a tool.

OP, he is using the excuve of Covid to massively control you and your ds. Your ds should absolutely be going out for lunch, doing DoE, seeing friends, socialising - he has 18 months of his teenage life to reclaim!!

You - what do you to that YOU enjoy? You seem to spend your whole life making sure that your horrible dh is happy. Leave him to it.

Go out of the bedroom. Go out. See friends. Tell him to listen to his music on headphones as you don't like it. Don't sit beside him in bed all day - do what suits YOU! If he loved you, he would want you to be happy and healthy. You have put your whole life on hold for this tosser. What if you were run over by a bus tomorrow? You'd have wasted your last 18 months by not seeing anyone!!

I bet your h is 'private' - he doesn't want anyone else hearing about how unfair and horrible he's being!! He knows he's being a dick.

Can you imagine a life without him like a millstone around your neck? What does he bring to your life? Anything positive at all?

OP, sorry I sound so vehement, but this post has really shocked me, I hate to think of you wasting your life like this.

You have one precious life - please reclaim yours by throwing out your dh now.

[cakedup]

@Insert1x20p he has been taking statins for years. He needs medication for his blood pressure but has been putting this off.

[HesterShaw1]

@cakedup

Thank you for your replies, it's very kind of you all to take the time.

I'm just trying to take it all in. Can it really be true? Am I really that stupid to end up in this situation?

It's nothing to do with stupidity. It happens by stealth to all kinds of women

Read about the ITV Wales weather presenter Ruth Dodsworth who has been in the news a lot lately. She has a lot to say on the subject - with good reason. It happened to her. She's far from a stupid woman.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

Forget the 'gifted' shizzle - that doesn't mean anything and is clouding the issue.

He lies in bed all day, doesn't do his share of anything, lets you run around after him, uses his OCD as an excuse not to do anything, drinks too much and is unkind to you, and controls you by telling you you can't go out, you can't get jabbed - he is a BAD MAN and everything he does is designed for him and to keep you down where you belong.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

His health is his business. He's apparently a clever adult. He is NOT your responsibility.

[FFSFFSFFS]

Well - he's clearly controlling and manipulating and abusing you and your son.

He's also really REALLY not highly intelligent and I can guarantee you that well thought of professionals really don't rely on his advice despite what kind of bullshit he tells you.

And as for not letting you get your covid jabs - woooah - surely you can see that he is deliberately putting your health at risk so that he can control you.

This is a terribly abusive relationship.

Just get him to leave - up to him to sort himself out. If you would find it easier - then help him to get benefits/support including housing allowance and then he can fuck right off. He is not your problem. He does not bring anything to your or your son's life apart from control and misery and the increased risk of suffering actual harm from covid because you aren't vaccinated.

[onlychildhamster]

Oh OP, I feel so sorry reading this as a Londoner.

MY DH and I use the tube, DH goes to his office in canary wharf daily, I go in twice a week. We are car free so even during the worst of the pandemic, we still used the tube to go to the supermarket. We always wear masks. We haven't gotten covid once..I was the first person at the shopping centre when it opened.

Just because you go out doesn't automatically mean you will get covid. I would hate getting covid (am double vaxxed) but as long as you mask up and try to keep away from people, no reason for you not to go to work and enjoy life.