Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

[SallyWD]

OP - people are questioning your husband's intelligence but it's irrelevant whether he's a complete genius or stupid. The fact is he's completely controlling your lives and it can't go on. Intelligent people can be wrong. One of the most intelligent women I know believes that the government are spraying us with chemicals from planes to experiment on us and adding fluoride to our water to sedate us. Oh she's also an anti-vaxer too. He is, quite simply, wrong about the vaccines. You said he doesn't believe they really help? Erm - look at the death rates now compared with a few months ago when thousands were dying every single day. Of course the vaccines have have helped. You don't need to be a genius to see that. Even if he truly believes you're all in grave danger by going out and seeing people it's still not acceptable to control you like this. It's paranoia, it's extreme health anxiety, its mental illness. It's very sad that his own child has long Covid but most people don't get it. You're a grown woman and a mother. You must make your own rules in life not follow his delusional beliefs.

[Insert1x20p]

This guy is a fantasist, a whacko and a nasty alchoholic.

This. Doesn't matter how beautiful he makes you feel, if you care about your son, you need to get him out.

[AnEpisodeOfEastenders]

His thumping headaches are probably a hangover. I feel sorry for you. Get vaccinated.

[Puddington]

Jesus, OP. When I read the first two paragraphs I thought it could possibly be an otherwise well-meaning person who has gotten into a frenzy of anxiety about Covid (I'm sure that has happened a lot over the past 18 months). But with each new bit of information I became more and more horrified. Whether he's deep in a mental health episode or is just a controlling horrible twat (and, regardless of which it is, he is drinking himself to death) you and your son need to get away from him. He is essentially keeping you both prisoner.

[HesterShaw1]

@tedsletterofthelaw

He either has a serious mental health disorder or he is using covid to control and manipulate you and your children.

Either way, I think you need to leave for your own health

So it's your house? And he moved in with you at the start of Covid?

Jesus Christ, it gets worse. Kick him out.

What is this doing to your son?

[HesterShaw1]

Sorry, quoted the wrong thing. But my point remains.

[TiddlesTheTiger]

You've described him being lovely to you - but that's only happening because you fit in with his ridiculous demands.

Tell him you won't do it anymore.
You're getting vaccinated and you'll be doing what you want after that.
He has to get back to his own house.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

OP, how much money does he make from his job?

What's happened to his house? Does he actually have one?

[VanCleefArpels]

First thing you can decide to do is make up your own mind about getting vaccinated, and go about building a life for yourself. Not getting vaxed because he doesn’t want you to and sitting on the bed while working to keep an eye on him is just batshit and you know this. You’ve only known him a short time and you’ve let him have this massive power over you and your son (who is old enough to make up his own mind - has he been vaccinated?).

I get that to physically make him leave is difficult, but he can’t stop you from opening the front door and striding out. Do it today, go for a walk, go to the corner shop, go anywhere to prove that you can do it!

[TheKeatingFive]

For the sake of your son OP, you've got to kick this controlling arse out.

[Allsorts1]

What kind of considerate partner would torture you drinking and playing loud music in your house when you have told them you don’t like it? And then when you expressed yourself instead of listening in headphones he forces you to listen to his music because he doesn’t want to listen alone? As a fellow introvert this is literally my description of hell. Like if I go to hell, this is what the devil would design for me.

It sounded like you have been together for decades but it’s only been ONE year?

For goodness sake please get this man to leave your home, if only for the sake of your son.

You deserve someone who tells you your beautiful AND respects you.

[cakedup]

I really appreciate the replies. I hope you can understand that I do still love him and splitting up will be very difficult for me. I was alone for 7 years before I met him. I'm not pretty, charming, clever or good at anything, I probably won't meet anyone else - although I was ok on my own, lonely at times but ok.

Just to reiterate, I have stood my ground with DS and gone against DP to let him do what he wants...which is not a lot! Only tesco, cinema and DoE! I think DP ultimately knows that DS comes first and if he were to push that, I would actually have the balls to split up with him.

[Cailleach]

Does he contribute to the household expenses? Have you ever seen a payslip from him? Does he have an income of any kind, at all, in reality?

I think you are being had, big time.

[cakedup]

@Allsorts1

What kind of considerate partner would torture you drinking and playing loud music in your house when you have told them you don’t like it? And then when you expressed yourself instead of listening in headphones he forces you to listen to his music because he doesn’t want to listen alone? As a fellow introvert this is literally my description of hell. Like if I go to hell, this is what the devil would design for me.

It sounded like you have been together for decades but it’s only been ONE year?

For goodness sake please get this man to leave your home, if only for the sake of your son.

You deserve someone who tells you your beautiful AND respects you.

I'm so glad you understand about the loud noise and love your hell description!! I used to love my home, somewhere where I felt safe and free and even that's gone.

I've been with DP longer than a year. 2 and a bit years more like.

[TiddlesTheTiger]

DS is my son, not his. Ultimately, he knows he has no power of what I decided DS can and can't do which is why DS will do his DoE and does go to Tesco. DP doesn't allow his own children to do these things.

So he's controlling another woman too, the mother of those children, even though he doesn't live with them?

Read your description of your life again.
Being alone is much better than that.

[Glinsk]

Is he preventing you and DS from being vaccinated?
That is a way of justifying keeping you prisoner.

[thewhatsit]

He makes me feel special. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. He makes me laugh so much. He thinks I am beautiful and adores me. He builds me up, tells me about my good qualities. He drops everything if I tell him I need him. He can be great company.

But yet -

I called the police once when he got drunk and got nasty.

I have told him to leave before. But he won't go

You get this isn’t normal and this isn’t love, right?
I’ve never had to call the police on DH. If I had I’d have been gone the next day.

What would happen if you just told him that you’re off to a walk in vaccination clinic this afternoon and then after that you’re taking your DS out to a restaurant for a catch up and a break which is LONG OVERDUE? Because neither of those things are up to him or controversial.

[Franklyfrost]

If your friend said this to you: ‘I'm not pretty, charming, clever or good at anything, I probably won't meet anyone else’, what would you reply?

[cakedup]

@Cailleach

Does he contribute to the household expenses? Have you ever seen a payslip from him? Does he have an income of any kind, at all, in reality?

I think you are being had, big time.

Yes, he does contribute. He earns good money although it was better before covid. However, i'm not sure what is a reasonable amount. He does still have his own place and rent/bills to pay. He gives me £500 per month. However I told him last week the alcohol alone was totaling £150 per month so he put in an extra £500.

[VanCleefArpels]

Sounds like you have very low self esteem OP. But no partner and a full life is surely better than this half life you live right now?

[Rocket1982]

If you are all unvaccinated then COVID is indeed a risk to you, especially given your partner's poor health. You should get vaccinated and encourage your DS to get vaccinated even if your partner won't as that is the single thing that will reduce your risk from where it is. What do you and your partner see as the end game here? Keep living this way for the rest of your lives? COVID isn't going anywhere and it will continue to be a risk, particularly for the unvaccinated for years and maybe decades. Once you get vaccinated, you need to live your life but reduce your risk where you can, e.g. use public transport but use a medical grade FFP3 face mask. Your partner will need to choose whether to live with you and accept some risk (and if he's sensible he will get vaccinated), or to live on his own.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

OP, you say He makes me feel special. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. He makes me laugh so much. He thinks I am beautiful and adores me. He builds me up, tells me about my good qualities. He drops everything if I tell him I need him. He can be great company.

but this doesn't fit with

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual ... DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now. I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP can't help with housework because of his health. It feels like groundhog day. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm. I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere.

Now, does that sound like a relationship where one partner makes the other feel loved and special?? No. Does it sound likes he makes you laugh? No.

How much does he contribute to your mortgage and household bills, OP?

I strongly suggest you show your sister this thread, and any friends you've lost touch with. If I was your friend, I'd be pleased that you'd got in touch and I'd want to help you.

[Evilcountspatula]

@cakedup I rarely post, but this is so distressing to read. You are better off alone, and if you can’t see that for yourself, please do it for your son. Not only for the freedom to do what normal teenagers do here and now, but for the role model this sets for his adulthood in terms of how men treat women and children within relationships.

[cakedup]

@Franklyfrost

If your friend said this to you: ‘I'm not pretty, charming, clever or good at anything, I probably won't meet anyone else’, what would you reply?

I see your point. But feel i'm being realistic - i'm just not a good 'catch' material really.

Ok, I am quite funny and a bit creative. Not exactly a dating profile to remember. I hope I'm thoughtful and like to be kind to others.

[ChipsAreLife]

I think you know deep down this isn't right hence why you've posted.

You're existing not living. Please split up with him before you waste another minute