30s TTC: The BESH Palace - where the bar never closes, booze is free, the humour is black and babydust is strictly for snorting through a rolled up 20.

[PollyPoo]

Welcome BESHies to the new palais. Plz to come fill it up plz.

For your delight and delectation I have dragged across the bar and the pit. Along with Mitchell (of course) to grant your every wish (but you will probably have to fight Scorps for him first... good luck with that).

I have even brought the Kylie infused absinthe. Now, who will join me in a Blackhole?

Allo Aries. Allo Stewpot. Fanks for kindness and sound advice respectively. Have bagged osteo appointment at noon. I had no idea there was such a thing as an injection that might help . I managed the princely total of 1 hour 45 minutes snooze after I posted so hurrah for me innit.

Stewie's reference to the shits combined with suitably stern advice and utter absence of baby dust, B D or LOLz is endearing. I'd find the test meself if I weren't bone idle agonised.

well my other half is now in London for a whole week. I will probably ovulate the middle of this week so i am sulking.

can someone smother me with ample bosom? cannot return the favour as mother nature only saw fit to give me half a handful.

you guys talk a lot.....i can't keep up so nipple twists and sympathetic noises to anyone who needs them.

I'm off to play music from my yoof very loud and pretend i'm 23 again.....

HB: yes, anti-spasmodic injections exist. They're not touted around much and rightly; they're strong drugs and you wouldn't want to give them to eveyrone at the first sign of backache... but I would have thought the level of pain you describe would probably warrant some pharmacological assistance!! Hope the osteo helps

Thanks for the welcome all. I shall spew forth my views ondroids and canvas just as soon as I work out what they are ;) And as for the quiz......

To add insult to injury I'm feeling SO nauseous this morning. Just entertained brief fantasies of "perhaps I am pregnant after all" whilst out walking the woofer but the great clots of evil flinging themselves southwards out of my fanjo tell me otherwise... Just off to work for a few hours (work for myself so it's a bit random) ; will try not to throw up on my client and see you ladies later

Guten Morgen, meine Hagchens! How bist du?

MamaCasserole there be a questionnaire for you to complete to gain acceptance to the Palais, so do feel free to revise past freds to cheat gen up on the Tao of BESH.

Hope Extreme is beginning to feel better, and that those who have been caught by the droid continue to fight the good fight.

Well, amazingly, despite my calm serenity AND medical treatment for which we had to cross the clinics palm with hundreds of shining golden sponduliks, I have had yet another babyfail...huh, the cheek!

So that means I have to go ahead with hysteroscopy next week...which I imagine will be like one of those 'Wreck of the Titanic' documentaries...,where the camera slowly probes around the murky, rusty, hollow shell, occasionally focussing in on an old teaser from 1910, or a wonky chandelier with seaweed dangling from it.

Anyway, after that it's Ivf for me, yippee! For which one consolation may be that I will have a BESH ivf buddy to compare notes with!

I meant old tea set from 1910 of course

Cho, you made me howl with laughter at the genius 'tao of BESH' (at last! The title for the BESH TTC guide I'm always threatening to write ) AND at the image of internal viewings being like undersea footage of ancient wrecks! Maybe they'll find that massive jewel necklace off of Titanic in there (but hopefully not the skeleton of Leonardo DiCaprio)? Then it'll obviously be time for CASH MY GOLD! So and the treatments haven't worked, but you know we're here for you now it's full steam ahead for the ole IVF. Think Camel is in the pit somewhere, reading IVF guides under the duvet with a torch; am sure she'd budge up and let you join in, if you ask nicely

Head, arsebuckets for the spinal agony, but yay for finishing your Magnum Opus. Hope getting a giant prick later makes you feel better, hurhur

My very mild spotting continues, in a delightful shade I can only describe as 'griege'. Am thinking of taking some used loo roll to a Dulux colour-matching booth; would be a tasteful shade for the spare room Although it's really more Farrow & Ball than anything else. [proud middle-class emoticon]

TYF comes home tonight! Is it v bad form to demand, ahem, 'ladies prerogative' with v mild spotting? TMI?

Welcome Casserole! Having a kid already doesn't put us off, it's the level of menkulness and treacle-thick black humour and misanthropy we're looking for here. Find our BESH entry quiz and we'll get the ball rolling...

I'm all about the emoticons today, beyotches!

Is it me or is half my post appearing in bold? WTF? And Head's name is meant to read Headstrong. Hmmmph, stoopid MN/puter/me

Everything's suddenly in bold! What's going on? The aliens are taking over the world's software like in Doctor Who.

ChoCho you are ace. Good luck with the instruments next week and I'll pray the sticky jizz will stick and you'll win your baybee.

I think a BESH guide to conception, life, the universe and everything would be a marvellous project for you, Scorps.

So............am back in work - tis shite. Have finished my 5 days of Clomid & haven't grown a tache or tits dropped off or anyfink. Have scan tomorrow to see what ovaries have made of Clomid intake. That's if they can find my ovaries amidst all the mini eggs.

casserole am liking the cut of your gib. Welcome!

Good luck with the scan tomorrow, LoobyLou Hope one of your mini eggs contains the golden ticket

Aries, I'm always planning and/or starting groovy writing projects then not being arsed to take it anywhere Besides, I'd get to about page 15 and then the rest of it would be 'WHERE'S MY BAYBEEEEEEEEEE?' taking up the whole of every page for the remaining 150+ pages.

Scorps I would love to see the MN BESH ttc guide compiled by Scorps...what cute Athena style B & W photo would MN put on the cover?

inDromitable and I are at the same hospital, so we might become IVF sistahs and win our test-toob octuplets at the same time.

Hope your scan is truly eggs-cellent tomorrow Lauriepop.

Well, the traditional cover photo would surely have to be a 30-something career woman in suit and high heels juggling a baby under one arm whilst holding a bulging briefcase and yelling into a mobile (am pretty sure there's an actual cover like this out there).

BUT! Our BESH guide will not flinch from the truth, ho no. That's why the cover model will be a slightly overweight 30-something with frizzy, unwashed crazy bird's nest hair (not modelling this on myself, ahem ), with a spotty face, red and puffy eyes from crying and chocolate smeared around her gob, dressed in pyjamas buttoned up wrongly underneath a filthy, food-splattered dressing gown which has a massive bottle of gin sticking out from the pocket. Our heroine will then be seen in one of the following tableaux:

1. A woman is ignoring her baby in its pram whilst reaching for something on a supermarket shelf. The BESH is looking round furtively as her hands reach towards the pram handles.

2. The BESH has stuffed a cushion up her pj top to mimic a pregnant belly and is looking in the mirror. We can see her reflection and she is weeping hysterically.

3. She is wearing the pj top but not the bottoms and is screaming at a cowering, terrified man, who is undressing - but clearly not of his own free will.

4. The BESH is sitting cross-legged on the floor, a manic expression on her face as she attempts to fasten a doll's cardigan around a used sanitary towel.

5. The BESH is dressed and looking marginally more civilised and has red, mascara-smeared eyes and a rictus, false grin plastered on her face as she stands slightly apart from the crowd at a baby shower. Everyone else is either pregnant or holding onto their many offspring.

Do any of those sum up the book's contents adequately?

PS ChooChooTrain - it is BESH manners that if you get knocked up with more than triplets, once they're born you have to give the extra babies to the eldest BESHes.

No, seriously.

Excellent Scorps!

You might, or might not, be pleased to know that greige is apparently the colour for nail polish this season.

Many hugs to Cho and Head, and welcome to leCreuset

Am not here, but the following made a little bit of wee come out and my stitches itch a little...

The BESH is sitting cross-legged on the floor, a manic expression on her face as she attempts to fasten a doll's cardigan around a used sanitary towel.

Thanks Scrotum

Feckin genius The sanitary towel is definitely my favourite at the same time as it making me want to jump off a cliff with the tragedy and pathos and oh, everything.

I'm off for a meal tonight with a school chum I haven't seen for fifteen years. Cue much awkward chatting about the merits of various beers and Formula one by the husbands as we reminisce about things that are screamingly funny to us and absolutely no one else. She has no children, so even if she has turned out to be awful, I know I will like her.

Ahem. Is this what I was looking for?

1. Do you like gin?
   So much so that I recently orchestrated mass G&T drinking? at a wake. The hotel bar staff had to get reinforcements in.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   I think a gold cougar would go nicely on my mantlepiece. Wait, what was the question?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Wait. There?s a hole?

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.
   Answer: c) tell them that the guidelines have changed, you now have to insert test into rectum and wait for 10 minutes.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.
   Answer: c) one of those map co-nordinate thingys I never understood in skool.

6. what colour are your walls?
   They are papered with defaced photos of everyone who has given me conception / pregnany advice. My Auntie Ethel has a Nazi moustache in hers? though that wasn?t graffiti.

7. Number of pets?

1. Two cats, one dog.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Hmm. Eddie Izzard?

9. Lesbian crush?
   Too many to number

10. What are your views on camping?
    Same as herbal tea: the idea is much nicer than the reality.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks
    Hmm. About £40 quid probably. Would have been more if it weren?t for the lovely Chinese people flogging them so cheap on ebay.

Scrofulous you can deffo have any baywins surpassing twins...I'm a BESH to the bone - I might be desperate, but don't want too much bother, like...need to keep a drinking hand free!

Cheers, Cho, I'll take any girls going spare (just the two, like; I'm not greedy either ).

Extremities, glad I gave you a giggle. And hope I didn't take liberties dressing the BESH model in the offical uniform you created for us way back when Take it easy, sweet thang.

Airbag, hope you have a great night tonight and who know - you might well recruit a new BESH, by the sounds of it!

CasseroleDish, those were excellent answers. Truly, thou art ready to dedicate thineself to the Tao of The BESH. Now all that stands between you and full membership is... well, just strip naked and let the sexing and violence commence!

Oh... but I was already naked. Was that not right? Or did you think this was a fat suit? Ah yes, cough, it is, how clever of you to have spotted it. I shall unzip it and reveal my emaciated true form presently.... maybe about 2020...

Been reading back some of the old threads. Man, some of you ladies have really been through it with this. I'm so sorry. Fucking bastarding russian roulette that this is, there's no justice.

I am revising tonight, I have an exam in 10 days. Currently reading about Alzheimers, which is depressing me even more than the vengeful droid who has decided to bleed me dry this month... my beloved Nan has Alzheimers. It's so fucking depressing reading about exactly how little anyone can help her.

Pass the gin?

cho sorry bud. Here,let me break your teeth. And have this meths shandy.

scorp is all I have to say.

I may be being oversensitive (fuckit I'm almost sure I but am gonna say it anyway....)

Aries mate,can you go easy on the 'mum v besh' thing? A couple of things lately have made me feel a bit weird about my place in the palace.

Sorry if I'm being a twat,but as many of you know I don't like to sit n stew,would rather be all open n shiz.

hotpot welcome. Sorry I am mostly not always grumpy.

Cass, that's proper shit about your poor Nan. My Aunt's partner has early-onset Alzheimers (he's only @ 64 and has been like an angry baby for the last 5 years at least) and TYF's (my DP) paternal Gran has a rare form of dementia (she can't make even the most obvious mental links anymore - like hunger = get food - and is constantly angry and accusative as a result), so although I can't imagine the pain of one of my GPs having it, I have a good idea how devastating it is. My heart goes out to you

Talking of devastating situations, am watching that show about Great Ormond Street and am realising that there might be many, many things worse than babyfail - finding out your child is going to die, or that they need a life-saving operation that they then die during or which leaves them blind and brain-damaged, being just a couple of examples. Puts getting the droid into perspective, that's fo sho!

But TYF is back in ma lovin' arms now, so nothing can get me down for long! I haven't even cried or fretted about babyfail once today, that's how excited I've been. Cunty, I can hear you whispering 'gag me with a spoon', out there in the lurkiverse

by the way casserole my grandma had alzheimers. Is fucking tough. It actually does get easier past a certain point,but I think that is sort of because you are forced to do your grieving early.

Has everyone else still got grandparents then? I haven't had any since I was about 25...am assuming my parents will do a better job of living to a proper ripe old age....

Fucking hell scorp am going 'la la la' with my hands over my eyes at your last post. I could never watch that. And refuse to think about it.

Am going to think about donuts and tequila and Fight Club Brad instead. Fuck off iggs he's mine,he was always mine...

I still gots the Ginger Ninja - paternal Grandma, still going strong at 90, as I've mentioned on here before! And I never take how lucky I am to have her for granted; I spoil her rotten and make a fuss of her and give her my undivided attention every time I'm with her. Lovely GPs like her deserve nothing less