Fuck you TTC

[painintheholeSIL]

Today should be day one of my period. No sign. We've been ttc dc2 since summer 2018. I don't have any tests in the house. I'm trying not to symptom spot, I haven't told anyone in real life that we're trying.
Our son is almost 4. I'm desperate to give him a sibling. I adore him. He's amazing.

But I am aching to have another baby. People keep asking when we're going to and we just laugh off the questions. They hurt. Every one of them hurts. I suppose I'm just looking for people who understand.

Every single thread I look at in relation to this ends up full of BFPs and I'm just not in the space where I can read those and not feel devastated.

So Fuck you to TTC.
Fuck you to months off slightly delayed periods
Fuck you to every fucker that asks me every time they see me if I have any news
Fuck you to the whole fucking lot of it.

Anyone care to add theirs?

@Icouldstillbejoseph you're probably right!!! I'm trying so hard to not let it take over my thoughts but it's impossible. On the bright side though DH has realised that it takes a lot more effort than he though to make a baby!

Fuck you Facebook mum challenge. All my Facebook is full of photos of children.

@PurpleDaisies I hate that shit too.

Me too @PurpleDaisies part of the reason why I don't have FB anymore. I can't bear all that shite

I think I actually love you ladies!! Please can I join?

Fuck you to the fact that I don’t have a partner so am using a known donor to go it alone
Fuck to to TTC for 19 months
Fuck you to getting a BFP after 17 months only to start bleeding 7 days later
Fuck you to having to keep those pregnancy tests and look at them everyday to remind myself I really did get a BFP
Fuck you to the fact that I stupidly bought loads of baby stuff before I started trying because I knew once I got pregnant I would need to save to support us during maternity leave
Fuck you that my flat is now full of baby stuff that I can’t use
Fuck you to those women that post the darkest lines on pregnancy tests asking for line eyes.... REALLY?! Fuck you and fuck your positive pregnancy test
Fuck you to not being able to talk to anyone in RL about this
Fuck you that my donor walked away after my chemical pregnancy so had to find a new one
Fuck you that I can’t try as much as women who have they goods’ on tap so have reduced odds each month
Fuck you to wanting to be pregnant before I turned 38 and now I’m 39
Fuck you to there being pregnant women everywhere.... seriously aren’t you supposed to be shielding??.... go home where I can’t see you!
Fuck you to trying to hold onto the belief this will ever happen
Fuck you to having given up caffeine and chocolate and I’m still not pregnant
Fuck you to soy isoflavones
Fuck you to being fed up and wanting to order pizza for dinner but being scared it will prevent me getting pregnant

So many more fuck you’d but I’ve made a start!

It’s so nice to be around people who don’t just paint a rosy picture of the TTC journey

@Waiting2BAMummy you have found your people here :)
Welcome

@Waiting2BAMummy what @Icouldstillbejoseph said with bells on!

Thank you @Icouldstillbejoseph @painintheholeSIL you guys rock

@Waiting2BAMummy I refused to text my SIL to congratulate her on her latest pregnancy. I'm as irrational as they come. But fuck it. This is shit. It's fucking horrible. And with the way dh works we miss lots of potential opportunities and it's fucking bullshit. We feel your pain.

Bless you @painintheholeSIL don’t blame you I’ve stopped writing in the cards of people at work who have baby’s I just can’t do it. I’m happy to them but the green eyed monster rages too loud for me to be able to say how happy for them I am.

My bosses daughter had her second baby in feb and it was literally all I heard about from the day she found out. Now I hear everyday about how unjust it is that she can’t hold him. Well it’s more I just that I don’t have one at all and though you don’t know I’m trying to wouldn’t care anyway because it’s all about you so fuck you.

Oh and fuck the attitudes everyone will have, if by some miracle I ever actually have a baby, about how I got pregnant because they will all want to know. I can hear the whispering in the office already sorry did you ask anyone else that question?? No? Well fuck off!!

@PurpleDaisies that’s the reason I was going to post here today. Fucking “mummy challenge”??
Yes it must be difficult as fuck to upload a picture of your took-one-go-to-conceive child. Actually considering a break from Facebook.
Also fuck you TTC under lockdown so I can’t even go out and drink cocktails to drown my sorrows of AF arriving yet again yesterday.
Need to go to one of those rooms where you get to smash stuff today...

AF started today and about an hour later my friend announced she's pregnant with her second. Fuck that.

@Em4815 its fucking shit isn't it

I’ve been having so many dreams about pregnancy. Last night I dreamt I had given birth and didn’t know I was pregnant.
It’s just so upsetting waking and realising it wasn’t real.

@Nat4392 so with you on mummy challenge. What's the challenge?! Why does no one nominate me to show off pictures of my fur baby?! I mean I'm biased but he's beautiful! 😂

@Peach1204 and @Nat4392 I was tempted to do the non mum challenge to show all the things I can do without children, but I supposed that was a bit passive aggressive

@Onemorefuck hahaha sounds like something I would do! I think people already think I'm grumpy and opinionated enough already 😂 guess people just don't think of others and they want to celebrate their children. I don't think it should be a FB challenge though. Xxx

I love you all! This. Just this.
After 20 months and giving up on medical advice (e.g. not to drink, exerise heavily, et cetera) I conceived DD. But now it begins again.
Also fuck the ultrasound + hormone tests done in the same month. One that said I ovulated that month and one that said I didn't. :(

Oh god yes, fuck the fucking 10 Day Being a Mum Challenge. Fuck it right in the eye.

I was tempted to start my own 10 Day Not Being a Mummy Challenge.

Day 1 - collage of pics of the positive pregnancy test I got on my first ever cycle TTC and my husband and I out on a walk looking deliriously happy because we thought we were having a Christmas baby.

Day 2 - screen shot of my WhatsApp conversation with my husband a week later when I was miscarrying and devastated and needed him to come home immediately.

Day 3 - pictures of all the non alcoholic drinks I had at my friend's wedding because I was pregnant again.

Day 4 - photocopy of the letter I had from Cardiff hospital diagnosing a pregnancy of unknown location, probable miscarriage, after heavy bleeding during what was supposed to be our summer holiday in Wales.

Day 5 - screen shot of my Fertility Friend app showing how many weeks I bled that time and how long it took my period to come back.

Day 6 - photo of all the expensive vitamins I started taking to try and stop it from happening again.

Day 7 - all the pregnancy tests I took the third time I was pregnant and really thought it was going to work out this time.

Day 8 - photocopy of the report from the hospital confirming that they removed "placental debris" from my uterus during an uncomplicated D&C procedure.

Day 9 - picture of my nephew who was conceived on his parents' wedding night in June and born on what should have been the due date from my second pregnancy in March, exactly 4 weeks after my D&C.

Day 10 - collage of pictures showing a picture of my uterus from the hysteroscopy I had a few weeks ago after my fourth loss, the needles I've been using to self-inject fertility drugs, me in the hospital having an intralipid injection, and all the pills I'm currently popping.

How's that for a 10 Day Trying Very Hard To Be A Mum But Finding It Very Challenging Challenge?

@peperethecat oh lovely, I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through and hope you get a bundle of joy soon. If I'm honest I would rather see your story and have more knowledge of how it could be a struggle and hope for a happy ending then be blissfully unaware and believe it just happens perfectly. I feel sex ed when I was in school was more about how to stop pregnancy because it's so easy to conceive and could maybe be a bit more about having a family and the difficulties. Sending you lots of love. Xxx

Fuck you to this thread dropping off my threads I’m on.

Cheers to all here. I've just poured myself a large glass of red in celebration of my stupid uterus that is spotting already. Only CD20.
Fuck you TTC

@Icouldstillbejoseph careful - could be implantation bleeding. How many dpo are you? Been reading up lots about it today as I've starting bleeding earlier than expecting (think it's just AF on the way though). So yeah 'fuck you' to my cycle giving me fucking false hope. I will certainly be joining you with a very large glass of wine when AF arrives properly instead of arsing around

@peperethecat I just read yours out loud to my OH and started crying.
There is so much unknown in this world
Toddler challenge was going around FB so I did it....with my dog!
Kids are not invited to our wedding..maybe I'll ban pregnant women too 😆