TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 34 - huddle up and bring on the BFP's

[BunnytheBlueWhale]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to give and receive support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy or baby. Pregnancy and child loss is one of the most difficult things we can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

I have found so much comfort from the lovely ladies on this thread and I’m hoping for lots of BFPs in 2020!

🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧

I've been getting myself really wound up reading that thread in AIBU about the poster "grieving" about her maternity leave not going as planned.

Someone actually said that nobody would want to be in the OP's position right now.

YES I WOULD.

Seriously, I would give absolutely anything to be on maternity leave with my healthy baby right now and not still here at square -100 (because I feel further from having a baby now than I did the day I got my coil out) wondering whether my next pregnancy will be the one that works out or simply miscarriage no.5.

If you can use the word "grieving" to describe your disappointment about not having the maternity leave you'd hoped for then surely I can use it to describe my feelings about all my future pregnancies in which I will never be able to relax and enjoy myself and believe that my baby is really coming.

@peperethecat
Here's a thread about the thread you are talking about.

Grieving Maternity leave thread. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/3902570-Grieving-Maternity-leave-thread

I didn't think TAATs were allowed.

Hi ladies

I am a regular but have NC

@VenusStarr I’m sorry to read you have shingles. How are you now?

@clitterratti I completely get the need to feel in control somehow. I haven’t tracked for months but I am tempted to this month as my Ovia predictions have changed (ov seems to have moved from around day 14 to day 20 which is a big change when cycle is not much longer)

@marmitecheesetoast I attended a Sands meeting on Zoom and that was really good. I actually preferred it to the face to face one especially as my sands meeting is a 45 min drive away plus I ended up getting in touch with one of the other ladies one on one and that’s been nice. They have a helpline but I haven’t used it.

@peperethecat I agree with you but there are so many threads like that on Mumsnet and it is hard to avoid them all. I remember reading one last year about a woman who was so upset the child wasn’t the sex she was hoping for. The mat leave ones are annoying. My mat leave last year was spent at home arranging a funeral and then grieving so yes I’d take mat leave on lockdown with a healthy baby too.

I have a friend who lost her first baby last year when I did, near full term too, and she had had her second baby already. I’m pleased for her but even she was saying to me recently that her mat leave isn’t what she’d planned and her baby is missing out. I get what’s she’s saying but she knows I lost my first baby like she did, I had a MC since then and I’m still TTC so it was tough for me to be sympathetic about that.

Otherwise I’m ok. On CD6 so going to check whether I have enough CB advance tests to test this month.

I hope you are all doing well.

@BeetheQueenBee I guess those of us who have been TTC for a while are in a weird, lonely little corner of Mumsnet, aren't we? The majority of posters already have children, and most of the ones on the TTC boards will get pregnant within 6 months and have a healthy pregnancy. I think the number of women who understand what it's like to lose a baby or a pregnancy or suffer from infertility is quite low, and most don't even think about it. So from our point of view we see these people moaning about things we consider to be utterly trivial, and think they don't appreciate their enormous privilege and good luck, whereas for them it's just normal.

@peperethecat It’s true and we’re not wrong for feeling this way. I suppose they’re not wrong either. I try to remind myself that most people have lost something or working towards something. No one has it all, all of the time. Eg I have a friend who talks to me about her children and she knows I lost my baby and that’s fine. I also know she’s lost her mum. If we were all sensitive to what others might be feeling then we’d never say anything if that makes sense. I couldn’t say I was annoyed with my mom or sister because someone will have lost a mum and a sister. I can complain about work but someone else might badly want a job or otherwise be struggling financially. I could complain about an expensive hen do but someone else could be feeling so low as they feel they don’t have any friends. I have a friend who had a healthy baby at the same time my baby was stillborn but her her husband left her for another woman so for all I know she’s envious of my life.

I’m not disagreeing with you in saying this by the way. I completely feel the way you do. The number of times I’ve heard people complaining about being at home with their kids during lockdown as well! But it helps me to realise that many people will be missing something, even if it’s not a child, and maybe it will help others.

I have also started hiding threads that are bothering me so I don’t keep seeing them in the “active” section.

Thanks @BeetheQueenBee that’s good to hear, glad it was helpful for you and you made a good connection through it. I did ring the helpline but didn’t find it very helpful. Probably a lot depends on who you get at the time though.

Yes that thread and sentiment is very difficult for us to hear, but I can well imagine myself feeling like that in a previous life so I guess it’s difficult.

Day 6 of bleeding/potential first period/potential continuation of lochia here

@marmitecheesetoast Personally I didn’t think the helpline was for me either, talking to a stranger probably only one time and then on the phone too. But it’s good that it’s there. Hope you’re ok. It’s confusing to hen you have the bleeding but most likely your body just needs to recovers. My cycle is still a bit irregular over a year later.

Can I ask for a bit of advice, I'm planning on visiting my GP about my fertility issues and short luteal phase. Are their any questions I need to ask? What sort of things can I expect them to ask me? Should I go fully equiped with a history of dates etc? I get so anxious about these things, But its time I manned up and just did it. Its been 2 years this month.

Hello @turquoisebaby. Sorry you find yourself in this position. Have you had a loss or just been trying without any luck?

I've been following this thread since my late miscarriage in August at 16 weeks, I'm a lurker and rarely post. Went on the conceive in November and miscarried in December. We have been trying since May 2018 and so far my ovulation tests show I ovulate around day 21-23 of a 28/9 day cycle. Its a miracle I ever conceived before. I'm 27 so age hopefully isn't a factor.

So sorry for your losses. Normally after a late miscarriage they would approve you for testing rather than making you wait until you've had three. I think it would definitely be worth getting in to see your GP as soon as you can. Did you have any testing done on your baby's remains?

Hi @turquoisebaby nice to hear from you. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I remember feeling really anxious going to the GP but it's quite straightforward. If you have a bit of your history that will help.

Fertility tests I had were cd1-5 blood test and cd21 blood test - this one is for ovulation, but you need to go 7 days before your period is due, which might not be cd21 for you. I was also sent for a pelvic scan and had to have triple swabs and make sure my smear was up to date. He also sent my dh for a sperm analysis. Once all the results were back my GP referred us to the fertility clinic at the hospital.

Like @peperethecat said, you should be eligible for recurrent miscarriage testing too, so might be worth asking the GP about that. My surgery are able to book appointments with the clinic directly. Hooe that helps xx

Thank you @BeetheQueenBee good to hear from you. Still got the painful rash, finish my antibiotics on Monday but think I might need more.

I hope you're OK @marmitecheesetoast, are you in pain with the bleeding?

How are you @peperethecat @footprintsintheslow @Mumlili9 hope you're all well.

Waiting for af to arrive, I was hopeful earlier in my tww but I'm less so now. Still no news from my clinic about reopening so likely we'll just ttc again next month.

Have a good day xx

@VenusStarr Are you waiting to do IVF? Am I right in thinking you've already had at least one cycle?

I'm on CD10 today and seeing the gynaecologist tomorrow for an ultrasound. I usually ovulate around CD18 or later. Until Wednesday I'd resigned myself to not being able to try until the end of the summer while I have my endometrial biopsy and wait for the results, but now my doctors have said the lab is going to be closed for a while the plan is to keep trying, with some new medication this time. Eek. I wasn't planning to be POAS again so soon.

@VenusStarr thanks for asking after me hun. I'm OK cd4 now and oddly still bleeding very lightly. It's strange because it's been my shortest cycle yet at 23 days and early ovulation too. My periods normally only last 36 hours of very light bleeding. I've added red raspberry leaf tea to my enormous cocktail of supplements, hope it does something fingers crossed 🤞

I have spent my lock down getting my garden into better shape, painted my doors and fences. We had a tea party in the front garden for VE day too. I praying that this cycle will be longer to give my eggy chance to mature. But I am glad my luteal phase is 14 days spot on every cycle with out fail, but my temps don't get very high. I've swapped to vaginal temps this cycle to see if maybe I'm snoring and it's bringing me temps down.
What are you lovely ladies doing today?
@turquoisebaby I understand how you feel I've been at this since August 2017 but I've got no where with NHS, no nearer an answer or to getting test done. NHS are just so slow to get you booked in which tells me there's a lot of couples going through the same process, it's really so sad 😔.

Baby dust to every one

Hello Ladies!

I'm sorry I am so sporadic with writing. The grief is so very raw still and I hate being this delicate.

It will be 12 full weeks this week, and in my culture we have to put a headstone on the grave; but we can't and it hurts me. The cemetery we buried our son in is so very very far away and I am so desperate to visit him.

On the plus side, AF is here and I am so relieved!

@peperethecat Thats so good to hear, I thought only having two miscarriages they would just write me off. We did have our little girl tested, and they couldn't find a reason why she passed.

@VenusStarr That's really helpful thank you, I've noted it all down ready.

Feeling slightly less anxious, I'm going to ride out this cycle and grow some balls and call GP after.

@clitterratti big hugs for you, It's hard enough as it is without being and exacerbated by lockdown and being able to keep busy. I hope you can go and visit really soon. We have a few ornaments to put on our little girls grave and haven't been since Christmas now :( We also had a plaque on a bench done and havn't been able to see it.

I don't know what anyone else thinks but I think in your case @turquoisebaby I would be tempted to just tell your GP you had a chemical pregnancy last month and so that makes three and now you want all the tests.

@footprintsintheslow - have you had any more luck with your GP about getting a smear test? I’m overdue a test too.

And has anyone heard anything about their clinics reopening? I emailed the recurrent miscarriage clinic where I’m waiting to have some surgery and they just said they have to apply to re-open and must first demonstrate that they can safely do so following safe-distancing and other measures. But they didn’t give any indication on timing.

Thank you @turquoisebaby

Where is @bunnythebee?

@Mumlili9 Sounds like you have been productive. I’ve been working and trying to get some exercise in. I spent the weekend organising my study and furniture so felt good for being productive.

@clitterratti I’m sorry it’s so tough and that you can’t visit your son’s grave. People are driving to places now for walks etc so I wonder whether you could visit or is the cemetery closed?

I visited my DD grave a couple of weeks ago and pleased that I did but it’s n out something I do very frequently even though she is not far away. I have put a photo up of her in our house and I feel a bit closer to her.

Hope this cycle brings good things 💓

Hi, sorry just catching up after a few days.

@VenusStarr no I'm not in any pain with the bleeding luckily, and it's not overly heavy otherwise I would be checking with the midwife. i'm on day 9 or 10 of bleeding now which is beginning to make me think its possibly more likely to be more lochia rather than a first period. But 8 days of no bleeding at all does seem strange so I'm not too sure what's going on really...

Sorry to all those who are struggling. @clitterratti that sounds tough. The current circumstances just make everything feel impossibly hard. I am really struggling with processing what has happened, it almost feels like the whole grieving process is on hold until lockdown eases/there is some childcare for my DD.

@turquoisebaby Hope you get to visit your little girl's grave soon.

@FloDaffodil no smears available anywhere I'm afraid. Not nhs or private hospitals. I spoke to my go who said not to worry. She looked at all my smear histories which are up and down and she didn't think there would be an issue to even try for a baby now anyway given my age of 40.

So we tried and now I've had a positive test. I'll move over to the sister thread again and see how we get on. This is bittersweet for all of us I know. See you all again though either on the other thread or back here. X