TTC after recurrent miscarriage thread 2 - we're not giving up

[UnicornsandRainbows1]

Shiny new thread! :)

I keep dreaming about bleeding @AnneLovesGilbert none of my losses have actually had lots of bleeding at the start they were all pretty silent but I think my subconscious is just going there. Here to hold your hand lovely. Try and stay in the moment as much as you can. I am finding the visualisations from hypnotherapy quite helpful.

I tend to have very vivid dreams when pregnant. 2 of which have come true! They were good dreams though. Have also had pretty crazy ones too. Try not to worry about it too much and think nice happy thoughts. Will be thinking of you today @Miami. What time is your appointment?

Thanks both. Holding yours for your appointment Miami, has the spotting stopped? When are you in?

I remember your pram/momming visualisation, were there others? My strategy is to pretend none of it's happening tbh and that's helping. My DSC were banging on about it AGAIN at the weekend, when will we have one, what will it be, what can they call it etc, and I just wish this time we get far enough along to tell them, but it's too difficult to really contemplate as we've been here before and its all gone to shit so as much denial as possible is the name of the game. For the first time I checked dates ahead to see at what point we'd be 12 weeks, just on the off chance it happens! But got a bit freaked out. Just need to get through the next week.....

What came true hopeful?!

We'll see in a couple of weeks @Munchies89 - it would be nice to have a 1st trimester buddy! But I'm not expecting anything - I'm working on being okay with that!

It's difficult decision with work @AnneLovesGilbert - and what to do about it. My DH says the same about quitting and concentrating on being at home, and focusing on myself. It's easier said that done.

I think work is good for me - it's a great distraction from the overwhelming grief I sometimes feel, and also gives me purpose even though there's not a sniff of promotion for me! I'd say go for the promotion - you can always give it up later on if it gets too much, that option will always be there for you! I'm currently completing a Masters part time, and it's good to have something to focus on that might help my future prospects.

One moment I want to pack it all in and spend as much time as I can with DD (she might be my only one). She is so happy in nursery, she absolutely loves it - I'd hate to pull her out (I work 3 days a week). She isn't a baby anymore, and doesn't need me 24 hours a day like she used to.

Longing for another baby, so they can play together before she gets too old!

I am heading towards due date from miscarriage 1. The one which we found out at the 12 week scan in January. I can't help thinking that this would have been my last week of work before maternity leave. I cried a lot last night. Even in January - I assumed I'd get pregnant again (I did - twice) and not have to face the due date sorrow. It hasn't worked out. I'm feeling a bit low about the whole thing.

O dear - we are all typing at the same time! I've missed the last bit of the thread @AnneLovesGilbert @Hopefulforarainbow and @Miami!

Dreams are strange things - especially if they are vivid! Aren't dreams just subconscious thoughts? I've strangely been daydreaming about having twins one day as well - I think I want to make up for the pregnancies and babies who didn't make it!

AnneLovesGilbert Horrible dreams can be so disconcerting. Maybe try to remember a ridiculous dream you've had to remember how cosmically insignificant they are. When is your next scan?

I really relate to the career fork in the road. It can feel like any decision is wrong.

My letters just say gynae so I'm assuming I'm sadly not yet under rmc. If in a week I've heard nothing I'll call and try and speak to the antenatal receptionist who spoke about escalating.

Miami thinking about you today, I hope you have a really reassuring appointment.

Munchies It is the clinic at Croydon University Hospital. Congratulations on your bfp! Everything is crossed for you. I hope the week flies by and you find yourself doing the happy task of arranging scans next week.

I still feel really down. I'm desperate to be pregnant but I feel certain this will end like the others before 5wks. I'm going on holiday in September and after that I'll crack on.

Hey all. Scan all good today. Measuring well and heartbeat flickering away.
Thanks for all your lovely kind words.
@CurlyTwirlyTwos I have two sisters, I am the middle and my older sister is 4 years older then me and my younger is 7 years younger then me. Whilst we maybe weren't on the same track when we were younger, we get on really really well as grown ups. Also my mom says that it was actually quite easy for my sister to accept me as a baby as she wasn't a baby herself anymore. Just in terms of gaps, I know it's not easy, but all kinds of mixes of families and gaps work.

That's great news @Miami. Have been thinking of you all morning.
The dreams that came true were that a friend was pregnant, she then told me the following week and a another friend visiting from abroad!
It's a year tomorrow since I found out about 1st mmc 😭

Lovely news @Miami - chuffed that’s it’s progressing well and another good scan! How many weeks are you officially now?

Thank you for reassuring me on my age gap worries, DH is oldest of 4 (Irish family) and we in fact see a lot more of the younger 2 (5 and 8 year age difference) rather than closest-in-age sibling (2 year age gap).

I on the other hand, have a brother and sister and we were all born within 3.5 years!

But I wouldn’t have chosen that either 😂!

You are right, families come in all shapes and sizes, it’s not something we can control.

So happy (and relived if I can say that) about your scan, it’s lovely to have positive news for the thread too!

Hey @Hopefulforarainbow - you’ll be okay. Milestones are super hard. You are 1 year closer to your Rainbow. Keep at it (are you waiting until September?). If you want to vent and feel sorry for yourself, go ahead!

Oh what a relief Miami, so pleased. Did they know what was causing the spotting and has it stopped now?

Thank you @CurlyTwirlyTwos. Yeah we're waiting until after our holiday. I don't fancy being abroad and pregnant especially with out history. Also want to be able to relax and enjoy 2 weeks all inclusive!

No sign or reason for bleeding. Just going to take it each day as it comes. On a bit of a scan high, but I know that only lasts for so long!!

So glad your scan went well @miami81 been thinking of you but couldn't get on until now as signal was horrendous.

Sorry your feeling rubbish with coming up to the anniversary of your first miscarriage @CurlyTwirlyTwos. Try to plan something nice if you can.

Yes those vivid dreams/nightmares are horrendous @AnnelovesGilbert hope you've managed to shake some of that horrible feeling away. Good idea from @Miami81 with the visualisation techniques. I might have to give something a go as it gets closer to having scans.
Is there anything you guys try to focus on before and during scans?x

How is everyone today?

I woke at 3 boiling hot and needing a wee but no crazy dreams thankfully and feeling alright today, though my general stress levels are on the up now as I feel like there's a countdown and it'll all be over in a few days.

Wish I had any advice Munch, I feel an intense sense of calm and certainty it's all gone wrong before a scan and then it's either a massive shock it's all still okay or I'm right and just crack on with next steps. Hopefully others have better advice or a more positive approach!

Thinking of you today on this anniversary Hopefulforourrainbow and a hug.

Thank you @Anne. I'm on a 12.5hr shift today so don't have much time to think about it! Prob best to be busy! Hope you're all well

See I am very much in the category of 'this isn't going to kill me' when it comes to preparing for scans. I have survived up to now. It's not a positive as such but it gets me through the horrible build up. I mostly just think that if it is gone wrong then at least we know sooner rather then later.
I had my booking in with midwife today. It was fine. She is very nice, but I won't be seeing a massive amount of her. Which is fine too.

Have a hug @Hopefulforourrainbow anniversaries are a bitch. Timehop, Facebook and even just my photos on my phone keep popping up with 'on this day' shit and I just want to slam my head through a wall (but don't worry I won't).

@AnneLovesGilbert when is d day? I won't feel like we are getting somewhere until around 9.5/10 weeks myself, but I know everyone is different.

Miami fantastic news. Annoying that they didn't find a source of bleeding but good to know it seems benign so far.

Hopeful anniversaries are hard, I hope you are looking after yourself. Due date for miscarriage 3 is coming up, a close friend is due the same day so I am somewhat dreading it.

Curly we are ending up with a bigger age gap than planned too. If all goes to plan this time DD will be almost 5 when number 2 comes along. Hoping in the long run it won't make much difference.

Good stuff Hopefulforourrainbow, thinking of you and hope you're well distracted. Can you drink something lovely tonight and toast your extreme resilience and emotional, physical and mental strength? I would, you're amazing.

After everything you've been through, here you are, healthy, happy as you can be everything considered, doing well at work, relationship in good knick, just cracking the fuck on whatever life has thrown at you and looking forward with optimism to trying again. That's toast worthy that is.

Glad it went well Miami! How did you feel? If scan in a week isn't bad then I'll have to book in so I can get a 12 week scan. Dreading it. I think I said last time they didn't have enough space in the book for all my mcs, the look on the woman's face when I had to ask for more paper... I've had both my past ones with the same midwife and I really don't want to see her again so I'll choose to go to a different hospital as there's a choice of 3 for that particular appointment. Not there in my head yet.

8+5 today. Though I always qualify that in my head with "maybe". First mmc stopped at 8+6 and found out at 12 weeks. Last one had good 8+6 scan and it stopped at 9 weeks, found at 10+6. Be nice to get past 9 weeks at the moment and I'll be 9+5 by the next scan so obviously expecting and dreading finding out it's all been over for days by then. Not entirely sure how to get through through the week.

Had a good cry the other night. I felt so little of anything throughout the last one I have wondered if it was there but didn't come out and if we end up there again with this one I'm a bit worried about the flood gates opening - more rage than sadness I suspect! But we shall see.

Has anyone heard anything from unicornsandrainbows?

Munchies congratulations! Fingers crossed this is a successful one for you.

Anne I go into all scans expecting bad news and then get emotional if it's good news. I think it's my way of coping with the uncertainty. When is your next scan?

I feel just a bit like it's all very surreal. The only positive scan that we had after around seven weeks before this one was with dd. But I am still not feeling very hopeful yet. But given everything that has happened I genuinely don't think that I will feel very hopeful until there is a baby here.

Unicorns is on the pregnancy thread and is doing very well, 30 weeks now I think.