Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

town i agree that nobody likes to think of themselves as "high-risk", but i am pleased that my consultant is very understanding of the situation. I'm glad ("glad" seems such a wrong word to use) that you were able to spend some time at the grave before the weather turned on Sunday. How have you been since?

ellie gosh what an awful situation regarding you sil, although in a way i can sort of understand why your dh was upset by it, and for your sil to turn it into a whole huge thing must be awful too. I hope it all gets sorted soon for you.

AFM i've been thinking of my scan next week. I'm worried about the prospect of them scanning me in the same room as i had the scan to confirm Ben was gone- do you think it would be unreasonable for me to ring the unit and request any room but that particular one? Not sure i'd be able to walk through the door if i'm honest

So I'm quite a positive, upbeat person.. But I need to force myself to acknowledge how difficult I'm finding some aspects of being pregnant after a loss are whilst being part of a forum.

I miss the innocence of pregnancy when I never thought anything would go wrong. The girls on my due date thread are talking about the risk of MC decreasing everyday & linking to a website to allay their fears..& it saddens me that I can't look at that website and find relief, because I know things can go tits up even when you get all the way to the finish line.

I'm actually already dreading the inevitable birth centre/hospital, hospital bag, birth preferences conversations that will happen near the end.. It makes me question whether the benefits of being part of a forum outweigh the difficulties that I'm going to face as I (hopefully) progress..
I'm not really looking for answers but I just needed to put this out there I guess..
Neonatal death still fucking me 7 months on.. Argh.. woe is me

DD would have turned 7 months old today.. blubbering into tissue

My last post was very self centred - sorry!

ellie sorry to hear about the situation with SIL.. She should know better & out of common decency should have renamed the doll? I bloody would have done anyway - that name is precious to you.
However I will say that many seem largely unaffected on a day-to-day basis & so do stupid stuff when they should know better, my sister for example texted me a picture of her CATS on Christmas Day with the caption, 'My babies first Christmas'.. I could have laughed it was so inappropriate.. I put her straight..

kayleigh I'd definitely see if you can speak to somebody before the appt to see if you can have any day on where you're scanned.. I would hate for you to be in that same room, and would like to think they will accommodate you as best they can.

*unaffected by our losses on a day-to-day basis

Must have been the tears making my proof reading inefficient ha..

*say, not day..
Bloody hell, I'm putting the phone down..clearly can't type ha!

Hello all! I'm sorry I'm dipping in and out of here - i found so much comfort on this thread during the dark, dark days straight after losing G. But sometimes, I need to force myself to look away from all the tragic sadness, as I just live other people's emotions too fully. And some days, it feels really good to be here! I still read everyone's news regularly and wanted to congratulate all the recently pregnant ones amongst us!

Ellie - I can't believe your SIL. How very selfish to make this about her. I'm so sorry. You have a great attitude though! Any updates since?

Kayleigh - 14w on March 5th!! How time flies when it's not you counting down to that first scan.... I'm sure they'll understand you'll want a different room. I'll be eagerly awaiting your news!

Big waves to everyone else and sorry not to name check, I'm on my phone. A very warm but very sad welcome to all the newcomers...

AFM- well. I'm trying to resist the urge to test as I'd hate to be as disappointed as in December, when I had a chemical pregnancy or very early mc. But I have every symptom (for me!) under the sun: head cold, one day upset stomach just after a big temperature dip, high temp, dizziness, super nose (despite the cold), no appetite, bloated and really, really tired. It could also all just be because I'm ill. We shall see! I'm hoping I won't cave before Sunday, when I'd actually be a couple of days late. Then at least if the line is faint, I'll know not to get my hopes up.

I wish you all a nice evening and gentle days ahead x

Oh Winter- I can't join the busses ever again! I know what you mean. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time (((hugs)))

Kayleigh hoping your scan goes well next week. I would ask for a different room, I'm sure given the circumstances they could sort it for you. I think given what you've been through you just need to do what's right for you.

Winter Sorry you're having a tough time, all the hormones don't help matters either. I said recently that I always thought the term 'emotional baggage' was stupid but I kind of understand it now. We'll carry what has happened to us for the rest of our lives and it's bound to have an impact on the things we do and the way we feel frim now on. I think giving in to it every now and then can be a bit of a release. I hope you have a better day tomorrow
Madem Hoping all these symptoms lead to a bfp, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. It is so hard not to test isn't it, I never even heard of the ter chemical pregnancy until I miscarried my first. Midwife advised me not to test early as it can be heartbreaking should you have an early miscarriage.

Well sil has gine quiet, I messaged her back saying she had missed the point. I was still nice but made sure she understood it was in no way about our niece. I wouldn't have minded so much had she not been so aggressive in her response (and if the doll had existed before my daughter was born!) Am trying to be healthy what with ttc, am eating fish, taking my vitamins (so is dh!) and cutting out all the rubbish-I will get pregnant this month!!!

Thank you ladies, i feel a bit less unreasonable now. I'll give the unit a ring tomorrow.

winter i know what you mean about it can go tits up at the last bit. I know people mean well but when they say "oh it'll be ok this time" i just think well we thought it'd be ok last time ffs. I hope the coming days are gentler on you

madem lovely to hear from you! Technically i'll be 13+4 on the scan date (by my working out). I really hope your symptoms turn into a bfp for you, will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

ellie i think you've handled the message to your sil very well, not sure i'd be quite so polite but obviously the sooner it's sorted the better for you all.

Kayleigh I think it's very acceptable to call them and explain you don't want to go back in that room, I wouldn't want to give birth in the same room I had E in.

Winter I flit up and down with the buses, I joined the October thread and they made a FB group as the thread was moving really fast but the main contributors seem to be very focused on MC and MMC. Everyone wanting to see heartbeats on the scan then everything will be ok sometimes I feel better knowing that my stress isn't that out of proportion with other peoples if that makes sense. Your DD was obviously born exactly a month before mine as she would have been 6 months today.

Good luck to all of getting ready to test or still TTC

AFM had my booking appt with the MW today. She said I think we met before (during E's pregnancy) I said oh OK sorry I don't remember you're quite a big team! Then she said well congratulations! Oh thanks but actually she was stillborn. Obviously she was clearly congratulating me on being pregnant she had read my notes and even used E's name which I thought was sweet. She's booked my 12 week scan booked a consultant appt for 16 weeks all seems so far away now

You've nailed it - it's the 'everything will be okay after 12 weeks' vibe that I can't quite buy into...

It's nice that your midwife used your daughters name - that's lovely.. And nice to have read your notes.. Your 12 week scan will be here before you know it or at least I hope so

I went to my GP around 8 weeks after having DD with an infection and she asked if I was breastfeeding - awkward moment.

Hope today's anniversary has been kind to you.. I often wonder what my DD would have been like at each anniversary, but I find it hard to visualise her beyond a baby..

Anyhows, hope everybody is well.. The Brits seems to be going on forever.. Yawn!

Hi all,

I'm totally exhausted today so sorry for random comments and slight lack of name checking.
It was my booking in appt today too (lake) and I'm very glad I'm at a different hospital and area to where 'G' was born - limits the flashbacks for sure. It's pretty tough talking through what happened, again, especially so soon after her anniversary. Good news for me though, they are squeezing me in to see the consultant tomorrow. He only works NHS Thursdays, and I'm away for the next 2 weeks, so v glad they squished me in tomorrow.

Anna, a line is a line! That's what the TTC buses say. Fingers crossed it gets stronger and darker.

Madem stay strong! I deliberately kept no pissy sticks in the house, so that I would have to go and buy one in order to test - kept me to my mental plan.

winter I also duck in and out of the Oct bus (same one as lake) although I won't join the FB group as its blurrying the MN/RL line too much for me. The bit I find strange is all the talk of mc fear, and then they go and buy baby clothes/prams/cots already. Fear for me is going into Mothercare for 2 mins before nearly bursting into tears and wondering when on earth in this pg I'll actually be ready to buy anything for my baby.

Come on all you BFPs!!
x

Hello all

I've not been on here for a few days and I'm so sorry to see the new names here, a sad but warm welcome to you xxx also congratulations on the bfps, how great to see and something that gives us all a little hope.

I've actually popped on to wave a little goodbye, for now. I hope I'll be back here sometime but at the moment my dh is struggling terribly with ptsd and it's taking its toll on us. As if losing W wasn't bad enough, now this. I'm so so worried for him, and for us, and that he may never want to ttc now. I just don't know where we go from here but we will keep seeing our counsellor and just hope things get better. It's very lonely at the moment as I can't really talk to dh about things but the more time that passes the more desperation I feel to ttc. I'm terrified it will never happen now. Anyway, as I'm not actively ttc it's time to go but I wanted to thank you all for your support these last few months and wish you every success with your ttc efforts and rainbows.

I'll try and drop by every now and then to keep up with you all, but thanks again for your kindness and I do hope one day I will be able to join you. X

cake sending you hugs because you clearly need them. Think twice before disappearing, this might be exactly the place you need to come to let off steam, vent or just talk utter rubbish with everything you are having to cope with. Just because your not TTC I don't think means you have to go, but if you do I really hope you have someone in RL besides hubby that you can talk to. Take care of yourself. Xxx

lake how nice of the midwife to use E's name, i have to admit i'm a bit of a pain because with medical professionals i correct them if they don't use Ben's name. I felt that things were very far away when things were booked, but you maybe surprised at how quickly it actually seems to roll around.

town how did your meeting with the consultant go today?

cake so sorry to hear your dh is struggling still, i really hope the counselling helps and you can both work through all of it

town I hope everything went well with the consultant today.
cake, so sorry you're going through a rough time at the moment, I hope your dh starts to get better soon. As Vicky said, don't feel you have to leave the thread because you're not ttc. I understand the need to take a break from it and focus on rl though. You're always welcome to come and have a rant if you want My husband went through a very tough time too and although I couldn't possibly compare my situation to yours, I can empathise with the hopeless feelings and the uncertainty of not knowing how to deal with things/what will happen. Hope you have plenty of support in rl

Oh Cake , so sad to see you go...I can sort of understand where you're coming from though - after months and months of ttc, finally getting pregnant and miscarrying almost straight away, I too found any type of pregnancy announcement quite hard to cope with, as it always made me feel even less adequate. But please don't throw away the key. You can dip in and out? I shall be thinking of you lots and I do hope that someone is able to help your poor dh. I will pray and hope that you can both get through this and turn this nasty page of your life. I am truly sorry that it's so tough right now. Big big hugs xx

Lake how lovely to see that things are progressing nicely for you and that everything went well today!

Winter town - I understand you so well, even though my loss was so much earlier. I don't think I am as scare as I used to be though: I was terrified when I got my BFP in December. Actually shaking. And it all went horribly wrong within less than 10 days. Now though, I feel a lot more pragmatic. 'What will be, will be' kind of thinking. And also oddly positive? How come, I do not know. But I try to force myself into baby shops (easier for me as I have a dd) and the other day, I held, cuddled and even fed a baby girl who shared her DD with our dear G. I thought it would be very difficult, but I felt strangely at peace: she wasn't my baby. I was able to comprehend that she was someone else's baby and her being alive had in no way impacted the life of my baby. An odd feeling.

It's nice coming back here sometimes, when I feel strong. I love knowing that I'll be truly 'understood' here.

Night night all x

Hey ladies.... So what I didn't mention when posting yesterday was that I'd rang my hospitals epu as my bleeding/funny coloured discharge has continued since last week. They were lovely on the phone yesterday asked name, told her, she said do I recognise that name, said probably and briefly explained had been up a few times with last pregnancy but etc etc. she was like right we will see you in the morning for a scan no fuss no worries just come right up.

Anyway didn't tell anyone, not even hubby! (I reckon he's going to be peeved a bit when I tell him) anyways got v emotional when walked along preg clinic to get to epu (stupid place to put it really) had to walk past scan room where they'd told me about no heartbeat. Got to epu desk and couldn't talk... Felt like a right idiot! The ladies were so kind, ushered me quickly into room took details.

For those still reading my self indulgent post... We have a heartbeat!!!! The staff were fab, said if I ever need them call and they'll see me as soon as possible. Can't wait till hubby gets back from work to tell him. They printed pic off for me without me asking and gave it to me to show hubs.

Today is a good day!

Hope others of you are having a good day too

X

Vicky Yay! Brilliant news, so pleased for you, I bet it is such a relief. I'm sure hubby will forgive you once he sees the scan pic

I feel like I'm doing well today, slmost feeling excited for the future rsther than fretting about getting pregnant asap. Only bad thing about today is I'm now £50 lighter after taking my cat to the vets, to be told she has acne!! How is that even a thing?! So I will be spending my Friday night lightly exfoliating my cats chin I swear stuff like this only ever happens to me!

Hoping everyone has a lovely weekend planned whilst I'm sat at home washing my cats face!

Cake hope your DH is himself again soon x

Vickie that is fab fab fab news!!! X

Ellie my dog cost me £50 last week and £20 this week! Not good when your on maternity pay! I now have £5 to my name hope your kitty cat is feeling better soon x

Cake I hope something manages to help your DH soon sounds like he's really struggling, I guess at least he's been able to talk to a counsellor and try to address these issues.

Vicky congratulations glad you got such good news and I'm sure no one would have even thought twice about you being so upset when you got there. I kept my eyes shut for the whole of our early scan, the sonographer eventually said I promise it's all good news you can look at the screen. Hadn't really realised how frightened I was!!

Ellie cat acne sounds painful but does slightly sound made up, like when you take the car to the garage and they tell you all kinds of things are wrong with it!! Hope cat is feeling better after a Friday night facial

Town hope the appointment went well yesterday

Hope everyone else is doing well.

AFM had a few days off work, struggling a bit with the constant tiredness and nausea at the moment. Was sensible and got a lot of simple to cook but healthy food delivered yesterday. I seem to struggle just existing at the moment but think the less I do the less I want to do. Had to run from one end of the hospital to the other on my nights and realised how unfit I am so I'm going to get on with walking and maybe try couch to 5km not sure that pregnancy is the best time to try running but gotta do something!!

ellie poor kitty with acne! The things you learn when you have a pet eh? I My dog has allergies - I never knew a dog could be allergic to things before he turned up in my life. But pets are such amazing therapists.

winter I am sorry that you're struggling, I haven't joined an antenatal thread for the reason you describe, but sometimes I wonder whether I should as it's an odd position to be in - expecting your second but never having been able to take the first child home.

vicky great news about the heartbeat. Hurrah!

lake hurrah for a booking in appointment. I've always thought October would be a lovely time to have a birthday. Your midwife sounds lovely, and I am so glad - you deserve lots of gentle support.

madem I dip in and out too. You have been though so much - so glad that your cycle is at least back. I really think this year your luck has to change and I so hope you have happy news about a sibling for G and your little girl soon.

tulip you must be at around 20 weeks too, did you have a scan yet? Hope all ok, thinking of you.

cake so sorry about your poor DH. It is a massive trauma.

Love to everyone I've missed - hoping for lots of rainbows this year.

AFM 20 week scan today and it's another perfect little boy. He actually looked a lot like J on the 3D scan. So relieved. Lots of emotions, but mainly just wishing away the next four and a half months. The cord is not velamentous but it is marginal so will have an eye out for that. But the difference this time is that I'm being watched super closely. Fingers crossed it all goes ok and we can take this one home.

Ducky Oh dear, it's so expensive isn't it, hopefully your dog is better now though. Hope you and your family are ok and you're finally getting to just enjoy ds rather than worrying.

Lake I remember the tiredness well, I remember struggling to keep my eyes open at times. I think you do right in ordering easy prep meals and at least trying to keep active (although it's important to give in and make sure you rest too!) I took up running again when I was 6months as midwife suggested keeping active (something about increasing stamina for labour) and I really enjoyed it.

Critter so pleased everything went well with your scan and that you are getting monitered. How did you feel about finding out it was another boy, especially as he looked so similar to J? I keep wondering how I will feel if I had another girl and I feel like I constantly change my mind. Whenever I talk about having another child I say 'she', force of habbit I suppose. And thanks, I'm sure kitty will be fine, definitely agree with them making great therapists.

Although I sometimes struggle keeping up to date with the thread (mainly because of how many people have sadly joined in the last few months) I feel like a few people seem to have disappeared. So just in case any of you are reading but not posting (don't think the term lurking is appt here!) I just wanted to wish you all well and I hope you're doing ok.

AFM Sil has 'apologised'. The 'apology' omitted the use of sorry and included an accusation of sabotage on our behalf of her daughters pictures and memories. She also managed to proportion a lot of blame on us, all in all, a well rounded apology! I suppose the main thing is she said she didn't mean anything by it and wouldn't upset us on purpose. I've felt more annoyed the more I've thought about it but she will never change, so for the sake of family I've decided to just leave it. It is important to me that, should I be lucky enough to have another child, they have a good relationship with their cousin.

Maybe I should post less, I spend too much time on here! Have a great weekend everyone.

Hi Ladies,
Been having a browse through previous threads for a while and finally got the courage to join today.
I'm Aimee, 21 and have 3 beautiful children.. My oldest is my 3 year old, Ava and my youngest are my twin girls, Zara and Layla, born sleeping on the 29th November last year at 23 weeks.

I've recently had an urge to start trying again fairly soon but have so many conflicting emotions that come with the thought. I'm unsure if I'm just wanting to try because I'm coming up to my due date and I know I will be missing holding a newborn and all that comes with new babies. Or if it's something bigger than that and I'm genuinely ready for the rollercoaster that will be trying again...
I can't seem to find anyone around me that understands my feeling around all this, all I seem to get is that I have Ava and I should be moving on etc etc. So thought I'd give a forum a go, talk to people who will understand the emotional upheaval we've all been through..

Thanks ladies. X

Hi guys, just a quick question - can your cycle change after labour? I previously had a 24 day cycle and was just kind of expecting it to fall into place again.