Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

Thank you all for the warm welcome. Just wrote a long post then it disappeared before I could upload it - arghhh! Will try again tomorrow but I just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you tomorrow too, town. Big hugs.

And thinking of you too ATM x

Town I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Argh feeling a bit poop atm. On Wednesday it'll have been two months since I lost my son. I wish I had the results from the post-mortem so I know if it's a pipe-dream ttc.

Thinking of you town hope you didn't feel too unwell and managed to spend today the way you wanted to

Flambola I hope the post mortem gives you some answers, sadly ours gave us nothing. The consultant couldn't even really say if our little girl was little because of a blood supply problem or because she was genetically small. I wasn't sure whether I was happy or sad about having no answers. I ended up rationalising it at least we knew what it wasn't if that makes sense. Even now I find it unbelievable that we heard her heart beating on the Friday at a midwife appointment and by the Monday she was gone for no reason other than it happens and we don't know why. I had to wait over 2 months for the results too. Have you got an appointment for the results yet?

Welcome red sky sorry for your loss

viking welcome, and so sorry about your daughter. I'd had blood tests done at my consultant's request a few weeks after Ben's birth as i'd had a 900gram clot, but how awful that your consultant won't do the same for you.

ducky my af has always settled quite quickly after birth so i'm not sure i'd be much help. Maybe keep an eye on it and see your gp if it's worrying you?

redsky welcome, and so sorry to hear about your little boy. I hope your meeting in March gives you some answers.

critter 12 week scan is on 5th March (i'll be nearly 14 weeks by then though), but i have a meeting with my consultant this coming Tuesday, so it'll be good to sit down and discuss a few things with him.

flambola me and dh held a charity fundraising night for SANDS back in October, although we haven't really used their services other than going to the annual balloon release our local branch do each summer.

town sending love today, i hope you managed to spend the day how you wanted and didn't feel too ill.

AFM i'm in a bit of a quandry regarding our rainbow pregnancy becoming public knowledge. We live in a small town where everyone seems to think they're entitled to an opinion on everything (people were talking about me because i was doing the school run with the older dc's a week after having Ben- a lot of them i didn't even know to tell about Ben in the first place!) As we have friends/family all over the place the easiest way of doing it is Facebook, so i'm steeling myself for the gossip to start again- the joys xx

Thank you lake.

Kayleigh - thank you. I really feel for you. One of the worst things for me after losing A was having to do the school run again - it's horrible facing everyone, especially people you don't know very well, knowing they are talking about you, even if they are being kind iyswim. Hope your announcement goes OK and that you manage to avoid too much unwanted interference!

Critter - it was all a bit of a blur after I gave birth but I remember authorising tests on the placenta and a skin graft from A to test for genetic issues. We decided against a pm as they were convinced it was an abruption as a massive blood clot accompanied the placenta. I also remember them taking loads of blood and testing for infections/clotting problems etc after the scan found no heart beat but before I had him - they said they found nothing, but not sure whether to ask for another test for clotting disorders. Probably something to ask the consultant about I guess.

Flambola - sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish. I felt really low again - weepy, irritable for no reason etc - at the beginning of last week, just before we passed the 2 month mark on Thurs. Have felt a bit better since so hope the same is true for you after Wed. Well done for doing the fun run. I've started running too which is helping clear my head a bit, I think, but haven't sorted out any fundraising yet.

AFM, I'm just counting down the days until our appt next week really. I think AF is all messed up anyway, which is depressing, but will be good to get the go-ahead to TTC again. If anyone has any advice for how to approach the meeting/questions to ask etc then I'd be really grateful .

Hi all. Sorry not to name check everyone but I haven't had chance to read back through the thread for over a week now. I just wanted to pop in and let you know that our rainbow, a DD 'E' arrived by c-section on Thursday last week. The surgery itself was fine but from the moment she arrived I just cried and cried, a combination of 'this is what could have been' and 'I can't believe she's actually here and we get to keep her' I think, but all of the staff were aware of us losing F and couldn't have been more lovely. .

I lost 2.5 pints of blood during the surgery so spent the first few days feeling really unwell and now I am just surprised by how painful the recovery is! So many people told me I'd be on my feet in a few days and just taking the odd paracetamol, but I'm just finding it really painful. Managing to hobble around since we got home yesterday and my DH is being amazing. It's really frustrating as I feel well, and happy in myself, maybe I've just got a really low pain threshold.

Apart from having her days and nights mixed up, so far DD is amazing and very content. Our older DD adores her younger sister and DH and I just feel so blessed. Without meaning to sound patronising in any way, I just wanted to say to all of those of you either ttc or pregnant with your rainbows, have faith, it can happen. I'd convinced myself throughout my entire pregnancy that we wouldn't be bringing this baby home, yet, here she is and I still can't quite believe it.

Sending warm and peaceful un-mumsnetty hugs to you all x

Yayyy ATM wicked news!!!! So happy for you x

Congratulations ATM - wonderful news!

Massive congratulations ATM what lovely news.

town I hope you are feeling alright today after yesterday. I often find its the day after when things hit me so thinking about you.

Welcome to the newbies x x

AFM - convinced myself something untoward was happening on Friday as small amount of darkish coloured discharge ( sorry for tmi) but thankfully that's stopped now. Besides this doctors surgery have taken it upon themselves to mess up planned appointments with midwife as apparently only the midwife and not the doctor !!!!, can refer me to consultant for the pregnancy! I'm astounded yet again by my rubbish surgery and really must move doctors.

Hope everyone is well as can be x

Hi all

I've been offline for a few weeks as I have had my sister to stay. I've just looked through the posts that I have missed.

LakeofDreams - I also had a corpus leutem cyst when I last had an ultrasound of my ovaries. It is left over from ovulation and they usually go away at the end of your cycle but they sometimes hang around for a lot longer. I have been told it is nothing to worry about.

Flambola/EllieandAnna - I am also trying to conceive. AF is due on Friday and I am pretty sure I am out this month. I am finding ttc all consuming at the moment as I am not working and so trying my best to occupy my mind with other things.

A sad welcome to Viking and Red. So very sad to hear about your losses.

Viking - I used to live in London (I moved to Dubai just a week before I had my baby boy at just under 25 weeks in December. He died after 12 days in the NICU on 18th December). I didn't see a consultant whilst I was living there but in the last month I have been consulting remotely with Dr Gibb of the Birth Clinic on Harley Street. He is private only and is very experienced. I am not certain whether he is what you are looking for though but it may be worth checking out his website (www.thebirthcompany.co.uk/about-us/donald-gibb/). I plan to use him to give me a cervical cerclage when I next get pregnant - I lost my baby due to a weak cervix.

Congrats to everyone else on their BFPs or scans etc.

x

town thinking of you today. A massive hug. Hope the day was peaceful.

redsky we didn't get a PM either for the same reason as you - we thought we knew what had happened. I guess questions for your consultant would be: what does she/he think happened? does he/she have more information to share with you? does she/he recommend more tests? when can you ttc again? what would your care be like in a subsequent pregnancy? At this stage after a loss, it's just getting through the days. Two months is nothing. The only thing I can say is the time WILL pass and the pain will not go but you will have longer stretches of time to catch your breath between the extreme agony, and you WILL get through this. Sending you so much love sweetheart.

kayleigh that's great that you're nearly out of the first trimester! So happy for you. I'm sorry about the gossip. I waited until 16 weeks to tell most people at work and still haven't told everyone at nearly 20 weeks. You can do this on your schedule. Just take it day by day.

Love to everyone else. Sorry for short post.

Congrats ATM - that's wonderful news!

april - I'm due on Friday too. I feel exactly the same as you, all I keep thinking about is having as much sex as possible to keep the sperm count high. That's gross, isn't it? I think I missed the window too.

Lake - I don't have an appointment yet. We were told it would take 8-10 weeks which I'm sure it's coming up too. I'm a bit worried about not getting any answers, but I feel like I could maybe move on if that was the case, knowing it's just 'one of those things' . I don't know. Not very good at explaining myself!

When do people generally see a consultant after a stillbirth?

flambola I had my consultant appt at about 6 weeks so 8-10 sounds okay.
My appt really only told me what I already knew as dd's cause of death was severe placenta abruption, but although I know the cause of it I still don't know why it happened to me/dd. Just shitty luck I guess - so what I'm trying to say is, I had answers & it's still shit.
I hope you gets the answers that will bring you the most peace

Good luck with ttc & keep a truck load so swimmers up there - 1 of them will eventually finds it way!

ATM congrats on new baby 'E'. I can totally see why it was so emotional.. I can honestly see myself being exactly the same!
I hope you have c section knickers from mothercare!!. They're ridiculously expensive but they are so comfy! I wore them for about 7 weeks so get yourself some if you haven't already.

ATM congratulations that's brilliant news, hope the recovery goes smoothly now you are home

Hi all.
Don't know where to start.
I lost my beautiful girl at 40 weeks and she was born sleeping with wings at 40+2. On the 20th of September. She had a true knot. Love her so much. I heard about women talking through the hard times on here. So giving it a go.
Sorry for all of your losses. I also had a MC last week. I was 6 weeks. Little angel 'L'wanted a brother or sister to play with up there. I wasn't sure if we was meant to tell anyone the name of our child because I see everyone just mentions a letter.
Hi ladies.
I wish we could send real life hugs to each other.
Well if I'm wishing I wish we could all have our Angels back.
Thinking of you all x

Anna, sorry you find yourself here how awful for you to go through that and also a miscarriage.

I hope you find some comfort in this thread like I have. The women on this thread are truly amazing and have really helped me through some difficult times. Feel free to come here to rant, we all understand. X

redsky thank you. If i'm honest i just ignored the gossips, i had good friends around me who looked out for me which i appreciated a lot. With regards to your appointment and questions to ask, i just thought about what questions i wanted answered and wrote them all down to take with me, as i imagine different mums will have had different experiences so the questions would be different also.

ATM huge congrats to you all! Hoping your pain eases off soon for you and you have a gentle recovery

vicky sorry to hear you've had the extra worry. It's not just your docotrs either- my gp's surgery told me the midwife would need to handle the referral (which to be fair was done pretty quickly)

Anna so sorry you find yourself here, and so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, and also the baby your recently lost. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as i have.

AFM had my consultant's appointment this afternoon (well his registrar) and while she felt i could be treated as "low-risk" due to having had 2 healthy dc's previously, my consultant wants me treated as "high-risk". So we now have a rough plan of action (extra scans ect) and i'll see the consultant again after my 20 week scan- so roughly 8 weeks time. I'm feeling a bit calmer now things have been discussed too.

anna so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter, and your recent MC..

You can definitely share the name of your daughter if you wish.. I refer to my daughter on MN simply as DD so that I'm not as easily identified (but somebody could probably work out who I am through the rest of my posts if you knew me anyway!).. So share away if the desire takes you, or you're equally as free to use initial only..

Xxx

Anna, a sad welcome and big virtual hug.
Feel free to rant and rave and tell us whatever you want or need to. Most of us just use an initial for our angels as it's an open forum (so anyone can read), not because we don't want to hear about others. It's a long journey to get a rainbow, and I'm sure now 'L' has a little sibling to play with, that next time your rainbow will be yours to keep.

ATM congratulations! So pleased for you. I'm sure I'll be in tears for weeks if I manage to deliver my rainbow safely.

Flambola, I got my consultants appt 11 weeks after birth, but I phoned and moaned at them so they brought it forward to 7 weeks.

Kayleigh, good to hear they've put you on a plan with extra scans. No one wants to be high risk, but I suspect we all consider ourselves that now and so want the increased care that comes with it.

Thankyou everyone for thinking of me on Sunday. It was fine, we got to the cemetery before it started raining so we could spend some time there just quietly remembering. For me, it's definitely her birthday that's the hardest. On Sunday, all I focussed on was that it was the one and only day I got to properly cuddle my little girl, and for a good few hours, while she was alive.

Hi everyone, back again! Been away again as been moping about arrival of AF, then ww3 broke out with a certain family member!

I feel so sad when I come back and check through the posts, so many new ladies, it just doesn't seem fair. I'm so so sorry for your losses, I'm glad you have found this thread though as these ladies have helped me through some difficult times, I hope it will help you all too.

ATM Congratulations!! So pleased your rainbow is safe and well.
Flambola I'm becoming a sperm/ttc expert, was not really a field I really wanted to specialise in! Think I'm putting too much pressure on myself with all this research. Hope you get answers at your appointment, I didn't and although I found it tough at first I have made peace with it now.
Anna you can tell us as much or as little as you like. I sometimes use my daughters name on here as I don't get to use it day to day like I could have done if she were here. Sending you hugs

Totally agree with Critter 2 months the grief is very raw still. It's nearly 5 months for me and whilst I think of her every day and sometimew feel sad, I find I can look at her pictures and smile.

Well we have managed to fall out with sil. She has named her daughters doll our daughters name, dh had a bad day and was surprised/upset and said 'have you really done that?'. Turns out it wasn't even because of Anneliese that sil called the doll that. Anyway, she got annoyed and had A LOT to say and now apparently it's this big thing! I just don't have the energy for this kind of thing, I hate arguments and would prefer to let things slide, Dh and sil are the opposite!

Waves to everybody else.

What did your SIL have to say ellie?!

anna - hi. I'm sorry you find yourself here and for your losses. You can tell us your daughter's name if you want to. My son was James (I've given away so much info regarding what happened to me, I'm sure I'm recognisable!).

town - I wouldn't even know who to call. I'm glad you were ok on Sunday.

ellie - I'm sure I'll become an expert soon enough. I think I need to put myself under less pressure... I've only had one period since my son was born. There's time enough yet.

Hi all

ATM -sorry in my last message I missed off my congratulations, so delayed congratulations to you!

A sad welcome to you Anna.

flambola, I know what you mean! I am slightly obsessed with ttc at the moment. In fact I just did an early test and it has come back with the lightest ever line. I don't eve dare believe it may be a possibility that I'm pregnant. I'm sat here wondering what to do, Dh is at work and doesn't know. I am sure I will raid the pharmacy later though am worried I tested too early and given the line is such a squinter I have already convinced myself it's def an evaporation line. Will have to wait until Friday to see if af turns up I guess. Here's to hoping that neither of us get af on Friday.

Also, I think you said today was 2 months for you. Any milestone is so hard. Me and Dh had such an uplifting evening with some people we met recently who lost their first son at 2 months and now have 5 kids! It was nice to see a glimpse of positivity for the future and we got to talk about our son a lot. I think people who haven't been through this are reluctant to ask about our son, which I understand. Xxx

Flambola it went along the lines of 'sorry it upset you, thanks for thinking I'd do that, thanks for totally disregarding your niece and making me feel unable to celebrate having my child. You obviously wanted a reaction, hence I have replied honestly' etc. It all felt more like she was annoyed rather than sorry we were upset. This was after me saying that dh could have handled it better but being a mum she should be able to appreciate that seeing her name is very emotive. She really missed the point and made it about how we make her unable to enjoy her daughter?? We love seeing pictures of our niece and always ask about her, bought her Christmas presents, have met up etc. We were due at the same time with our first babies last summer, I miscarried my baby early on and then fell pregnant with my angel Anna a month later. I have always tried to make sure she never felt uncomfortable about it, and nothing has ever been said before but apparently we make her unable to enjoy her child Hopefully it will all blow over!
Anna Fingers crossed for you! This thread seems to be quite lucky with bfp's recently so hopefully this is your rainbow. We're hoping this will be our month too.
Town I'm glad your day on Sunday was ok, can't imagine how hard it is, am not looking forward to our daughters birthday. I know everyone is different but, although sad, I take comfort from the time I got to spend with her. We dressed her, read her a story and put her to 'bed', it was important for us to do that and we'll always hsve those memories. I hope you managed to have that too.

Off to do some housework and walk the dog, need something to keep me occupied before work!