Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

Hi Aimee, so sorry for the loss of your daughters. From my own experience and seeing from others here, I think the conflicting emotions are part and parcel of the grief we have all experienced. I decided to try again as I reasoned that I want a family and the loss of my daughter hadn't changed that fact. It hasn't stopped me going back and forth and wondering if I'm rushing it though. I would say that if you have plenty of support in rl and there are no medical readons as to why not then just go with how you feel, there is no right or wrong in this situation.

There have been some ladies on here who are undecided on whether to ttc yet so if you're still welcome to come and vent here if you need to I really don't think people understand if they haven't been through it themselves. Of course Ava does not substitute for your angel daughters in the same way that a new child wouldn't. Each child is special and whilst I can imsgine your daughter is a great comfort to you, she won't fill that space that has been left in your life. I hated it at around the 3 month mark as everyone seemed to feel like I should be ok again when I know that I'm going to have a part of this sadness for the rest of my life.

The ladies on this thread are fantastic and I hope you get as much from this thread as I have x

Hi Flambola I know that your cycle can change, either total days in cycle or length of period. My period is shorter and different to how it was pre pregnancy. Also, after A was born I bled for 4 weeks, stopped for 1 then started again for 5 days. The nurse said it was probably my period so I was expecting my cycle to start up again, then it didn't! I waited until 3 months after birth to go to the doctors about it and she prescribed me the contraceptive pill to kickstart my cycle. Luckily my period arrived naturally after 4 months, it various from person to person. Hope that helps.

Cake, if you're still lurking then I'm sorry to see you go but totally understand how you must feel. Waiting to TTC is torture, and it certainly can't be helped by reading stories of others going through what you desperately want for yourself. I really hope you and DH can find the help you need in RL to get through this.

Yummy, so sorry about the loss of your little girls. It's still early days for you and so be kind to yourself. Welcome to the thread, feel free to post or ask questions to your hearts content. Have you seen a consultant yet to try and get some answers? It can help to talk to get reassurance about what will happen next time, help give you confidence to TTC.

Madem, I'm glad you feel positive, and I think cuddling babies around our angels ages is a key part of the healing process. We'll always miss our angels, but its nice to try and lose the jealousy, makes me feel a lot calmer. Sounds like your head is in a good place for TTC.

Vicky and Critter, hooray for successful scans!! Vicky, I had the same dilema as you about telling DP when I went to A&E with bleeding at 6 weeks. I eventually rang him while I was waiting as I thought he would be really annoyed with me if I didn't, so hopefully your DH wasn't too grumpy with you (I'm sure when he saw the pic he wasn't).

Flambola, no idea, sorry. I was on the pill for so many years, I've no idea what my regular cycle looked like before I was pregnant.

Thankyou all for asking about my consultants appointment. It went really well, I'm happy that I will get good and appropriate care for this pregnancy. My consultant is angry that they didn't do any tests on the placenta from last time, it's quite funny to see. Anyway, they are going to scan my cervix between 16 and 22 weeks and put a stitch in if needed. Plus I'll have cyclogest pessaries between 16 and 34 weeks. Just googled them and found out they are progesterone – sounds like the side effects are a bit like first trimester sickness but if it keeps me from going into prem labour then great. And I get scans at 28, 33 and 38 weeks.
Anyone else had any experience with progesterone?

And today, I had the first of 2 private scans I've booked with the Harmony test. All is fine, I'm measuring 10+1 and the little bean was swimming away merrily. God I was anxious about it beforehand though, and now it feels like a bit of an anticlimax. This is not going to be easy.

Thank you so much for your kind words, you're all amazing and I will lurk and pop by every now and again but for now we must focus on getting dh 'back'. I may not be here often but you will all be in my thoughts Xxx

Thanks ellie.

vicky that's fab news, and what lovely staff too! What was dh's reaction to the picture?

ellie oh your poor cat our dog cost us a small fortune in plastic collars after she was speyed (after buying the 5th collar from the vets we decided to take our chances). Hope your cat gets better soon. Also pleased for you that the issue with your sil has been somewhat resolved.

critter so pleased your scan went well, and it must be very reassuring that they are keeping a very close eye on the cord.

yummy welcome and i'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful girls. I think the decision to ttc again is a very personal one. I had people giving me their "opinions" but ultimately i ignored them and dh and i made the decision together. It has to be when you feel ready for it.

town glad your appointment with the consultant went well, and they've told you what further care you'll get. I felt a lot calmer after seeing the consultant's registrar as i knew what the plan was. Glad your little bean is doing well too.

AFM well i rang the hospital where i'll be having my scan on Thursday and asked about not going into the same scan room as the days we found out Ben was gone. Apparently room 1 (the room i was taken to) is the room used by the senior sonographer so i won't have my routine scans in there, but i'll need to speak to the consultant about the extra scans.

Hi all,

Aimee sorry you find yourself here. Sending as I like baking!

Hubby wasn't mad, he said it didn't surprise him that I went on my own, glad he knows me so well. I think even more so for him he isn't going to be able to get excited till we actually (hopefully with all fingers toes crossed) get a crying bambino.

ellie our dog got really bad acne so I feel for you on the cat front!

town good work on the consultant front, sounds like they have a sound plan. As far as progesterone goes I asked for it last time round after having a 33 weaker but my consultant said couldn't have it so can't offer any advice really other than everything is worth a shot!

flambola my cycle went from 28 days to 33 after giving birth and has stayed like that ever since x

Welcome yummy, so sorry you find yourself here x

Sorry for the self indulgent post, just hoping someone might be able to put my mind at rest ds had his 12 week injections and since then has been off his food, he usually has 4-5 oz every 2/3 hoursish, longer if were out, now he's only having 2/3 oz every 3 hours at most, he has been sleeping lots. When he's awake he's been his usual happy self with plenty of smiles and wet nappies but he's not crying for food anymore. I have just been offering it to him when I think he might want it.

Don't feel like I can ask anyone else as they all think I'm just a paranoid crazy woman. Don't know, maybe I am overreacting?

There's always something to worry about!

ducky your ds sounds perfectly normal to me, i've known plenty of babies/children go off their food for a few days after injections. I can understand your concerns due to him taking less than before, but usually if they're taking something in and still producing normal nappies it's not too bad. My friends little girl was off her food a bit for a few days after her jabs then suddenly my friend couldn't seem to fill her up, so you might find ds follows a similar pattern. (And you don't sound like a paranoid crazy woman at all- just a concerned mummy [flowers) xx

Thanks Kayleigh. I feel better hearing it from you guys x

ducky glad you feel a bit better x

Apologies, bit of a selfish moan. A friend of mine is expecting and has her 20 weeks scan this week. I sent her a message to ask how she's doing and she didn't once ask how my appointment with the consultant had gone last week. Don't get me wrong i don't expect to be the centre of everyone's universe now i'm pregnant again, but am i being unreasonable for assuming someone i've known for 15 years would take a little bit of interest??

I'm also being very selfish at the moment for which I apologise but I'm driving myself potty at the moment waiting for my period to arrive. I've taken a pregnancy test but it was negative so now I'm worried that my cycle is fucked up. Before I was pregnant it was regular as clockwork.

Still waiting for a consultant appointment! My GP has been chasing them up but I haven't heard anything yet. I know they've had the pm results as GP had received a letter saying so.

Kayleigh - I don't think you're being unreasonable. People can be a little bit selfish and caught up in themselves without realising. I hope she takes more of an interest.

flambola sorry to hear you're worried your cycles gone haywire, and that you've still not had a consultant appointment through, especially when your gp has been keeping you informed about results ect. I hope your gp is successful in chasing them up and you get your appointment soon.
With regard to my "friend" i doubt the situation will change as after speaking to another friend who works with her she's telling anyone who'll listen about her scan on Friday. I'm pleased for her that she's having a baby i just think it's best if i give her a wide berth for a while x

Pregnancy seems to make some people much more selfish. One of my colleagues is 2 weeks ahead of me and is already making a big deal of it making sure everyone knows and refusing to do certain parts of the job. She seemed slightly annoyed to have found out I was pregnant. It's nice for me at work though as it's deflecting all the attention off me!
Flambola I hope you hear something soon must be very frustrating for you.
Ducky hope your DS has got his appetite back after his immunisations.
Not much news over here. Got the date for the 12 week scan and DH is working, not sure whether to get him to change his shift or get someone else to come or just go alone. All the friends or family I'd be comfortable having with me at the scan I feel like I've already put them through so much after losing E that I'm not sure it's fair. I was tempted to call the bereavement midwives and see if one of them could be with me but not sure if that's reasonable as obviously they have a lot of their own work to be doing.

Hi all hope everyone is doing ok, just been reading through the latest posts.

So it seems that I am pregnant, I'm very excited and have noticed a big shift in my mood but as we all know, it's not the same as the first 'innocent' bfp. I'm grateful regardless though and will have my first scan mid march at 7 weeks.

Flambola, my cycles changed after birth and got a few days longer. I have my fingers very tightly crossed for you.

Town - I think you were asking about progesterone? I will be taking it from around 16 weeks in addition to a cervical clercage at 12 weeks. I had a few doses of progesterone pessary when they were trying to stop me going into labour in December. It was such a small amount I couldn't say what side effects I had. I have heard very good things about progesterone and prevention of early labour though. The only side effects I have been told about was a slight weight gain, but since I will be on bed rest for most of this pregnancy and won't be able to exercise at al I expect I'll be getting fat regardless!

xxx

I think I might be pregnant. Not sure if my eyes are playing tricks on me though.

Congratulations april!! So pleased for you.

Well, I am pregnant. It's come as a bit of a shock even though we were actively trying. Now I have a huge knot in my stomach which I'm sure will never go away.

I have my first counselling session today, too.

Hope you're all well.

Flambola I am so so pleased for you. I think we must be in sync. I felt/feel the same. It is very surreal, I feel like I'm in some kind of long dream/nightmare and my life is not my own any more if that makes sense. However I'm taking this (cautiously) as a big positive step and something positive to hold onto. How your counselling session goes well. I am thinking of looking into counselling myself as I think the next 9 (I hope 9) months is going to be very stressful and emotional x

Kayleigh, you aren't being unreasonable at all. I think most people have that 'innocence' about pregnancy about them and it makes them incredibly self centred

Lake, I'm sure they would happily re arrange for you, but if you would prefer to stick to the date maybe ask the bereavement midwife, mine came to a few with me and was always happy to do so I'm sure she wouldn't mind she always said to me 'just because your pregnant doesn't mean I will stop being there for you' she was lovely

April and flambola that great news! Hope everything goes smoothly for you both

Well think I'm going to have to book a gp appt, I have no idea what is happening with AF any more and I think I might have a problem with my episiotomy

Hello my lovely ladies!

Sorry I have not been around, but I do think of you all on this journey.

Viking, winter, redsky, Anna , Yummy welcome to our thread - I am so sorry for your losses. A bit of background from me, I lost my first baby boy 'A' at 25 weeks in August 2013 after ttc for 18 months. I just stopped feeling him move, and like many of the ladies on this forum they didn't find a cause. We pretty much started to ttc straight away for our second which didn't happen, after numerous tests I found out that I have a blocked tube. We were referred for ivf, double bummer after losing a child. However after my first ivf appointment I found out I had a natural bfp. You could probably say I am one of the old timers on here, it is so saddening to see so many women join this thread although most of the time they leave as they now have their lovely rainbows.

ATM - so so pleased for you and many congratulations on your rainbow baby. I hope you are enjoying lots of newborn cuddles. I can totally relate to you crying and crying in disbelief that she is actually here. I still can't believe I am pregnant with rainbow and find it hard to comprehend that I might have an earth baby in a few months time.

Ellie, can't believe your sil. How bloody insensitive! I'm glad she apologised.

Made glad you are feeling better, did you test?

Cake! Please don't feel like you have to stay away because you are not ttc. This thread is not about that. It is for anybody that has lost a baby. It is the worst thing anybody has to ever go through, I do hope your DH makes a swift recovery.

Vicky, great news regarding heartbeat! Hope it is all uneventful from now on.

Critter, so pleased your 20 week scan went well! I hope you are starting to get lots of little movements now from James' brother.

Flambola and April gentle congratulations to you! I saw your other thread, that is most definitely a cross! Have you had a date to see the consultant yet?

Ducks how is little one doing? I hope he is feeling better after his vaccinations.

Kayleigh, lake, hope your upcoming scans are as uneventful as ever. Lake I'm sure your bereavement midwife will be more than happy to accompany you.

As for me I am doing ok. Had my 20 week scan last week, it seemed to go on for ages. The sonographer that did it is a specialist in high risk pregnancies, she seemed to take ages looking at everything. I think I held my breath for the entire scan! But all was ok, and similar to you critter its another boy for me too. I am excited but petrified at the same time.

I had my second consultant meeting too. He was great. I'm due to have a growth scan in a few more weeks and he has asked me to start thinking about delivery methods. Which I can't really get my head round. I'm so scared of an induction because of what I went through with 'A', the pain was horrific and I had every painkiller under the sun; however I'm also worried about causing more infertility after having a c section. Those with rainbows did you get this option? What helped you choose? The Consultant was pretty firm with me and said he won't let me get anywhere near my due date, dependant on scans if baby needs to come mid June then that is going to happen. I guess I have been pretty much ignoring my pregnancy up until now but time seems to be ticking and I know I need to do some reading and start thinking about buying things. In my head I need to get past 25+3, the point when I lost 'A'.

Waves to all, sorry about the extra long post!

He has a cold ATm little! One thing after another!
Glad your scan went well

In terms of the options I was given, the consultant said I could have a c sec at 39 weeks or induction at 38 weeks but she did say due to what happened last time she would ok to do either at 37 weeks if I feel I have to. I was going to be induced with dd but went into labor myself the night before, they think it was due to stress. I was booked to be induced with ds at 38 weeks but had a total breakdown at 36 weeks saying I couldn't cope because I didn't know whether he was moving or not so they moved my induction to to 37 weeks.. It took 3 days it was fine tho, I think it seemed more painful with dd because of the outcome but I managed fine with just g&a with ds, it was a very difficult decision though x

April and flambola congratulations

Tulip glad your scan went well, must be hard to come up with a plan have the midwives been much help or is it something you have to decide alone? Good luck

Congratulations to both april and flambola

lake i doubt anyone would feel like you are asking too much of them if you were to ask them to accompany you to your scan, although i'm sure your bereavement midwife would try her best to be there if that's what you wanted.

tulip i'm so pleased your scan went well, and it sounds like your sonographer was very thorough too. Although i'm a few weeks behind you with my rainbow pregnancy, my consultant has already said that it's unlikely i'll be going to "term", but i'm assuming they'll induce me like they did with Ben as c-sections haven't been mentioned.

ducky your poor little man ! He's having a bit of a rotten time isn't he? I hope he starts to feel better soon

AFM well scan day is tomorrow. It seems to have crept up on me very quietly. I feel nervous, but i'm glad i won't have to go into the room i was scanned in with Ben (although i will have to walk past it)