Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

I was just about to tentatively join either the October or November baby bus but I can't. The ladies are all so very excited (rightly so) and I would just feel like the harbinger of doom with my feelings of almost indifference to this pregnancy.

Flambola I joined the October group and moved swiftly to FB as I can hide the notifications and I go on when I want to. I always feel like the negative one but equally I refuse to pretend my baby didn't exist to make them all feel better.

There is an almost constant low level of panic with people waiting for 12 week scans or hoping to hear HB at 16 week appt. I think I'll find it harder later as we get to pram talk and getting the nursery ready. I suppose I'm fraudulently hanging around in the scary hope that I might get to bring this baby home and might want some group advice on issues as I've never had a baby.

The community midwife asked us to think about going back to antenatal classes but I fear I'd be the crazy lady whose baby died!!

My colleague is due towards the end of September and was excitedly telling me she wants to finish work at 32 weeks so she can decorate the nursery. She asked what my plans were, my honest answer is I hope to work as late as possible. I don't think I can face doing any preparation, I'll have to get a hospital bag packed with all that that will involve but that is the extend of my preparation this time and I suspect that won't happen until 36 weeks.

Just a quick post from me. Lake I am bawling my eyes out at my desk reading The Wall.

Having a bit of an emotional week anyway!

Hope you lovely ladies are ok will catch up properly soon

Lake that is amazing. Sums it up so well. Brought tears to my eyes - thank you for sharing. I know what you mean about the antenatal groups - I won't be joining one this time and I can't bring myself to join the July group, just because they are all so excited. But I do worry I may be isolated when this baby (hopefully) arrives.

tulip have been thinking of you. I know it was around this stage in your pregnancy when you lost your baby, you must find things very painful right now.

flambola I totally agree with everything you said. So glad things are going ok so far and thinking of you lots.

kayleigh hurrah for movement. That is lovely news.

ducky sending you a hug. I don't think you're out of order at all.

Lake that sums things up just perfectly.

flambola glad your scan went well. With regard to my mum she's a very literal person and i think she feels that i shouldn't tell people i don't know that well about Ben, therefore i shouldn't include him when i'm asked how many children i have. However, she hasn't said anything for a while as i'm stubborn at the best of times so it's a battle she'll never win.

AFM well i've survived Ben's birthday, i've felt this strange sense of calm all day. It's odd to think that this time last year he'd not actually been born yet (he was born at 11.08 pm), and i was high as a kite on morphine. We saw the bereavement nurse and midwife this morning which i think helped, and we got to hear rainbows heartbeat too. I'm going to have regular contact with the bereavement nurse and the midwife will be there for as many of those meetings as possible to give me a reassuring check-up.

I hope life is being gentle to you all xx

Glad it all went well flambola. At my early scan they put me back a bit on what I thought I was then moved me forward on my 12 week.

Hope your ok little

Sending you hugs Kayleigh x

Well, I saw her. The baby with dd's name. I didn't go up. I just saw her. It's put me on a right downer. Don't know what to do im so sorry to keep going on about it but no one else understands. Even going past the house, there's balloons and cards all in the window. That's how it should of been with my dd, instead there were flowers and sympathy cards

ducky thank you. I'm sending you hugs right back too. I can understand it putting you on a downer to be honest x

Ducky - don't worry about going on about this. Where else could you? Who would understand? Your feelings and emotions are all valid and perfectly understandable. It's just rubbing salt into your wounds...

Kayleigh - I am glad Ben's birthday is over and that you felt calm. How many weeks are you now?

AFM: not much to declare. Scan is Wednesday and I'm trying hard not to think about it. I'll be 11+4 on the day. Well, if all is well...

Hugs to you all x

Hi all hope everyone is well. I am now back in the UK and have only just caught up on this thread. Everytime I read it I feel so sad that people are going through such hard times, but I also feel so comforted that I'm not alone and all your stories and venting really helps in a weird
way as it makes me feel slightly more 'normal'. Although we've all had different experiences we have all been through something truly horrific that no one else can truly understand. I often feel quite alone and since we've been back in the UK it's the first time I have faced people since my angel died in December. Everyone reacts differently but no one likes to bring him up which I understand but find difficult. On the outside I'm functioning pretty well and when I've told people I am pregnant they look relived but I don't like telling them because I feel like they think I've moved on and everything is now 'ok' which is obviously isn't. I think about my angel all the time and my heart is still broken.

We are staying with friend who have a 3 month old and it's so hard to see them all happy and I can't help but feel jealous but I think it's probably good for us overall. For the first time I've let myself believe that it could be us in 6 months.

I saw my consultant the other day and having my cervix stitched up on Thursday as planned . He seemed pretty confident which is great.

Townsender- I'll be on progesterone too, I've heard fab things about it.

Flambola- so sorry to hear about your nan, it must be so hard for you.

Ducky- feel free to vent about your situation as much as you need to, if you can't do it here where can you? It's good for you to vent I'm sure.

Madam- glad your scan went well we must be a similar stage, my due date is 6 nov.

Everyone else, hope you've had good weekends x

ducky, I think your last sentence there sums it up perfectly. It's a reminder of what you lost. How is your little boy doing?

mademoiselle, I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday! You know you said 'if all is well'? That's what I say every time I talk about this pregnancy. It's become something of a mantra and like I'm trying to protect myself from disappointment.

I hope everything goes well for you on Thursday, april.

I've been spending some time at Jim's plot. My DH and my MIL did a fantastic job of turning it from a grave into a little garden. There's a bench, a little rock garden, a border of flowers. I love it. And I can just sit there and look out over Liverpool. I hated it so much at first, but when the sun starts shining I feel like I'm with him. Now, I'm not normally the sentimental type!

I hope everyone I've not name checked is well.

Oh flambola, that sounds so beautiful. It really made me well up. That you have such a beautiful place but that it has to be attached to so much grief...

Yes. 'If all is well'. I can't really think beyond the next week. I've already had to take out the maternity wear - guess my body just knows what to do, given it's my 3rd pregnancy in less than a year - and it makes me really weary, because it's real and unavoidable. But it's all I ever wanted, so I have to embrace it I guess? I feel so sorry for this little life growing inside me, who just can't be feeling much other than fear from me...

Hugs to everyone and a good week I hope x

Madem, I feel exactly the same. I have to say something like 'hopefully' or 'if everything goes to plan' before I can even mention my pregnancy. I used to be such a positive person but don't trust anything anymore.
I'm having a really down day today. My SIL is due any day and I can't help myself feeling angry that I should be enjoying being a new mum now, before her. When I think about the fact her baby will be 6 months by the time my 'all being well' rainbow is due I feel so upset. My angel should be in her baby's school year and they'll be a constant reminder of what we lost. I am v thankful they are having a girl since my angel was a boy. I'm secretly hoping this baby will be a boy too tho obv I don't actually care either way.

Flambola the grave sounds beautiful. I am yet to organise my angel's headstone as we live abroad x

april it's great that you've seen your consultant and that they think all will go well. I'm more negative now when people ask me about this pregnancy, i think i'll be that way throughout until i get baby in my arms to be honest.

flambola Jim's plot sounds beautiful. We've not got Ben's stone yet, waiting to see the vicar to see if the ground has settled well enough.

madem sending you hugs i think the fear is normal really.

AFM had my 20 week scan this morning. All is as it should be, even though baby was decidedly awkward when it came to the poor sonographer trying to get the measurements. We got there in the end though and found out baby's a girl, so i have a very happy Jessie bouncing round the house right now.

Love to all xx

Congrats Kayleigh! A girl!!

Kayleigh so happy for you. A little girl! How gorgeous.

thanks everyone, I feel like I'm obsessing about it a bit today I went out for lunch with a friend, there was a group of people sat at the next table, the girls family member went up and was talking to them, they said 'oh how lovely about the baby, what have they called her?' And the woman said 'xxxx' and they all went 'oh how lovely, you don't hear that name any more, how different!' And the woman looked straight at me and was like 'yes it is!'

Madem will be thinking of you tomorrow x

April, it's difficult isn't it. People hear your pregnant and just expect you to be 'fixed'. I just wish I can make everyone read the thing lake put on 'the wall'. Will be thinking of you on Thursday too, hope it all goes smoothly. The same day as my first smear test sorry you have been feeling down recently. Even today now I have my beautiful rainbow I still get a bit jealous of pregnancies, I suppose it's because people can go through pregnancy without a worry whereas it was a huge struggle with anxiety for me every day.

Flambola, the 'little garden' sounds lovely. That's a much nicer way of putting it ds is fine thank you, he was quite poorly (hence me being AWOL) the other week, we were in hospital for 2 days then in and out most days but he is making a recovery now (fingers crossed!)

Kayleigh! a lovely little girl bet Jessie will LOVE it! How's Brian feeling about it?

Hugs to everyone x

Thank you ladies.

ducky gosh you really can't escape the reminders can you? I'd probably have thumped the woman today- she sounds like a right cow. Sending you hugs.

AFM saw yet another of my consultant's registrars this afternoon . Although to be fair, he was very nice and has explained things a bit better for us. He's booking me 3 scans at 28, 32 and 36 weeks, and has also recommended i start taking a low dose of aspirin daily until 36 weeks, so i've just got to ring the gp's tomorrow to see if the doctor there has agreed to it.

Hope everything goes well madem x

April, I had an almost identical situation with SIL. I have to say that bizarrely, now her baby's here, I couldn't care less about her. She's not 'my' baby and I'm therefore totally indifferent to her, IYKWIM? I hope you'll end up feeling the same. I can't hold her, mind you, or interact with her as much as I would with a baby. But it doesn't hurt. And that's got to be a good thing?

Kayleigh - a little girl! What a blessing. (Not that boys aren't!) I am so happy for you

AFM: I am so relieved that we have a 'completely normal' (consultant's words, not mine!) baby developing inside me! I was put forward at 12w+0 as opposed to 11+4, but I know that's impossible as I 100% know when I ovulated and conceived - Valentine's Day! How corny...!
Anyway. To say we are relieved is an understatement. I have another scan in 10 days and am under stuff orders to relax now... Of course that's not realistic, but really very comforting coming from such an experienced professor!

Much love to you all. It feels so good sharing a bit of happy news here at long last!

Ahh madem so happy for you!

Great news Madem!

Yes hopefully I'll feel like that. She's been lovely and hasn't really even mentioned her pregnancy since I lost my son.

lake I just properly read the post you put up the other day, it made me sob. It's so true and though very upsetting it was odly comforting. I showed it to my DH and he said it explained things exactly. I almost want to give it to family and friends and people I meet! I have been staying with a friend with a 3 month old for a week which has been tough and I am paranoid that she thinks I'm heartless as I haven't cried at all in front of her (I have plenty on my own). I find that I'm at a stage were with friends I can switch off my emotions slightly, not so much with family tho. I think people have expectations of what I'll be like and I almost feel like I'm a dissapointment if I'm not a blubbering wreck, that's just not how I am functioning right now.

Love to all X

lake if we get to the stage of telling people in the wider world about bump then I think I will share the post you put up, it sums everything up beautifully.

Haven't been around for a while, I'm hovering between ignoring the fact we are pregnant and then panic moments so best option just seems to be ignore, bad I know! Like a lot of you sentences if needed start with if everything goes ok, at the odd times me and do have talked about anything.

Consultant on Monday at 16 weeks for us, no scan, but I'm going to try and get one as want to know there is still something in there!

flambola your spot sounds perfect x x
madem people say relax, they do so with the best intentions, but they can't know that it is truly impossible. Good luck x

madem so pleased to hear all went well

april i totally agree with you saying about people having expectations. I've found recently that i'm only comfortable talking about hopes/ fears with my best friend, plus she's the only person outside of the family that knows the baby's a girl.

vicky good luck for Monday and fingers crossed you're able to get a scan

Well the gp approved the request for me to take aspirin so i've started that now

Vicky good luck for Monday.

Kayleigh- I too confine in one particular friend more than others. She's one of my few close friends with children and so I think she gets it a bit more. I'll be seeing a lot of people for the first time next week and I find it easier to try to be happy but I find them by the end of the day when I'm on my own I get upset- it's tiring putting on a front. I'm not worried about getting upset in front of people it's just if I can help it I prefer not too.

Just in hospital recovering from my cervical cerclage. The doc was v pleased how it went. It is now all a bit of an anti climax! It all seemed so straight forward and I have to trust that a little bit of thread can help me get to full term. Glad it's done. I'm
Bleeding quite a lot which is bloody scary but we have seen the baby's heartbeat just now so that's good.

Love to all x

I mean confide not confine!