Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

Hi all

Hope everyone is doing well and had a good Easter. I certainly ate a lot of chocolate (and crisps and generally any carbs I could get my hands on!).

Had another scan the other day and all was good (day to day I can not accept that I am pregnant at all, I think its a defence mechanism). So I have now booked flights to have my operation back in the UK on April 23rd all being well. Just want it done and for the time to then go as quickly as possible. My sister in law is due in the next few weeks and I am dreading hearing that she's had her baby and I feel horrible to feel like that.

Seems there are quite a few of us due in October/November. After having my little angel so prematurely my target is to get to October when I'd be 34 weeks. Obviously I'd like to go as far as possible but trying to split it into little targets along the way.

Sorry not to name check people, I promise to do better keeping up with the posts! This thread really helps me as if it wasn't for this thread I'd go mad thinking about all the people who have perfect pregnancies etc.

x

flambola i hope your Gran's funeral was as "ok" as it could have been. Sending you lots of love

madem the dreams haven't gone away yet (worse luck) but i'm sort of getting used to waking up in the mornings feeling like i haven't slept.

april glad your scan was good, and that you've now got your flights booked for your op.

Love to all x

Flambola, it's an incredibly stressful thing for you to do, aswell as dealing with your grandmothers funeral. I'm sending hugs your way x

Glad the scan went well April x

I'm sorry for the self indulgent post but I'm not doing too good at the mo today would have been dd's due date, instead of having a party I went and spent time at her grave with ds. When i left I saw that bitch girl tht is calling her dd the same as mine coming out the graveyard of my daughter I see the person who is going to have a living daughter with the same name right outside. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it, I see her all the time it's just a constant reminder of what I missed. She's so excited and care free about being pregnant too. I don't know if it's jealousy or anger or anything, I really don't know how to deal with it. she waved and I just went the other way

ducky I am sorry you've had a rough day visiting your little daughter's grave. That sounds really tough. Hope you're doing ok.

kayleigh I have bad dreams too. I think it's to be expected! Hang in there, you will get through this.

april 34 weeks sounds like a good target to aim for. I think just take it as easy as possible, and go day by day.

flambola so sorry to hear about your grandmother's funeral, hope it went as ok as is possible. I have found this pregnancy exhausting too, and I think it's just that subsequent pregnancies after a loss are very tiring emotionally. Be gentle with yourself, take it slow when possible.

blue it's so lovely to hear from you. I bet people do think you're 'fixed' - so many people have said stuff to me now that I'm obviously pregnant like 'this is going to happen when you're a mum' and 'how do your parents feel about having their first grandchild' and 'oh, when you look at your first child, your heart shatters and it's so wonderful' - they don't mean their words to be painful but of course they are - because I am a mum, I had a baby, my heart shattered with joy looking at him too - but then he died - so this is the second grandchild not the first! But people are just wrapped up in their own stuff and they can't feel sad for us all the time. It really makes you treasure those people who do understand. We will always remember little E here. I am really happy to be having another boy but I know that will also up the 'replacement' factor. I've got a friend who's in the middle of a risky twin pregnancy where people have asked her if she feels better about the possibility of something going wrong with one twin because she has a 'back up' (ie the other twin). People are just clueless.

madem great to hear that your pregnancy looks good. I have everything crossed for you.

All ok here - I had a bit of scary spotting on Friday at 25 + 1 and my doctor told me to get checked out at the hospital. It was very weird being back in the Labour and Delivery ward for the first time since J was born. Some of the nurses and the midwife who looked after me after my c section were there and were really nice to us, and said they didn't want to see us back again for another 3 months! It turned out to be fine, just my cervix was bleeding a little, but closed, and although I was having contractions they said it was probably because I was dehydrated. Baby's heartbeat was all fine. It did bring back horrible memories of them trying to find J's and finding it was 90 last year. V relieved baby is ok.

Oh winter - just wanted to say I went through the exact same thought process about VBAC vs repeat c section. I really wanted a natural water birth with J and dutifully did all the classes. My rainbow is due almost exactly 18 months after J, and I have really stressed out over the risks of repeat c sections (as I would like two more babies after this one).

But - the only thing I'd say is, just talk to your healthcare provider. My doctor said we could play it by ear and see how anxious he gets and how anxious I get as we get closer to the birth. You could end up going into labour at 37 weeks naturally anyway - you just don't know - but it might make you rest easier to have a plan.

I don't want to go past 39 + 3 (when J was born and died) so that may end up deciding things for me. I really fixated on the whole birth/vbac/repeat c section thing, just because my first birth was so messed up and so far from what I wanted - not just the baby dying, but the general anaesthetic, not seeing him for 12 hours after he was born, etc etc.

BUT I feel a lot calmer and more at peace with repeat c section now (my doctor says he's done them on women who've had 8, although that's not advised) and it's mainly thanks to having a caring, compassionate obstetrician who isn't ruling anything out and is listening to my fears and answering my questions. And that c section is likely to be least risky for the baby, and another full-term loss would break me.

Critterpants/Blue - your posts really hit a chord with me. I feel so similar in relation to this pregnancy and the fact it's actually my second pregnancy and that this will be my second child. I wanted to ask you girls what you tend to say if people who don't know you ask if it's your first? I have been asked a couple of time and have said its my first as they are total strangers and it's quite difficult as it makes things quite awkward. I find those who have I told just don't know what to say and make a sharp exit to get away from me. I have ended up just saying yes it is my first and then I feel so bad denying my angel and have to listen after people tell
me what it's like to be pregnant and how I'll feel in my second trimester etc. I just don't know how to deal with this situation.

Flambola - sorry to hear about your gran, thinking of you.

Kayleigh - sorry to hear about the dreams. I have had a lot of trouble sleeping and bad dreams. I found a lavender spray on my pillow helped me get to sleep at least.

Ducky - you are totally entitled to feel how you do about the other pregnant lady. I would feel the same.

Love to all x

Oh lovely April. I tell them the truth - I just say 'it's my second'. Often they don't follow up with any other questions so I leave it at that.

If they do ask another question, I say 'I had a little boy last year who died... so this is my second baby, but hopefully the first I will be able to take home from the hospital'. I've usually found that people are really kind. Often they don't know what to say, and just say, oh, I'm so sorry. But I've been surprised by how many people have been really really compassionate - total strangers - who've asked questions about my first baby. And it's kind of nice to have a reason to talk about him, if you see what I mean.

You should NEVER feel bad about 'denying' your first baby. Your first child knows how you feel. I'm sure of it. That relationship is sacred and special and pure love, and it's between just the two of you and it always will be. If you don't feel like sharing the information, you shouldn't have to - I just find it's nice to avoid people giving you loads of 'pregnancy tips' and having to stand there listening, if you see what I mean.

Thanks Critter, I will tentatively tey out just being honest next time I am asked. Luckily I am only 10 weeks right now so I think I have a while to go before it's really obvious. I don't intend to really tell people this time until I'm so big it's obvious!.

Thanks for replying, always good to hear from this group as it makes me feel less alone x

april you are never alone. We are always here. Also, I found the 10 week stage really nerve-wracking as the 12 week scan is looming. Hang in there!

betty and cake - don't know if you're still reading, but I was thinking of you both this morning. Hope you're doing as ok as you can be.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Today has been a hard day but my Gran lived a long and happy life. She was 96 when she died.

I've been thinking long and hard about what to say with regards to this being my second pregnancy. I've come to the conclusion that I will be honest about it. I want to talk about James and I don't tend to shy away from things that could make people feel uncomfortable. That might change when the time comes, though!

I'll also not be telling anyone about this pregnancy until it's unavoidable. It's nice to be able to chat to you lot about it though.

Oh critter, I really hope I haven't offended you, or anyone else for that matter, with my last post it was a stupid thing for me to say. And as for people telling your friend about a 'replacement' that's disgusting so glad everything was ok with the bleeding, will they be keeping an eye on it? X

April, I posted that question on an earlier thread about what to say about whether it's your first, I used to just cry now I say no it's my second, my first was stillborn. People tend to be very kind after and I say it quickly so they kind of know not to ask questions. I think it all depends on the situation and how you are feeling x

Well, it was that girls due date yesterday (someone told me) and she's going to have a sweep today I just wish she had a different name. I'm finding I'm really really really really dwelling on it and it's driving me mad. I just don't know how to 'let it go'. There will be this little girl around me with my dd's name

One of DM's friends had a stillbirth not long ago, she then had a little girl. She put on Facebook last year that she was expecting again. My mom had a dream the other night that she saw her and her DH, they were wearing black, as was dm as if they were at a funeral, turns out, the day my dm had that dream they lost their baby at 34 weeks so heartbreaking. That's got to me too but I can't really tell anyone in RL

And sending hugs to flambola xxxx

Ducky not at all! I didn't see anything in you post that could be offensive? Please don't worry, I am clueless and was just rambling. Big hug. Hope you're doing ok. I would be upset about the name thing too. One of the things I hate about this is how it has made us more sensitive to that kind of thing. That girl sounds very thoughtless.

Flamboyant thinking of you, sorry it's been such a difficult week.

Hello everyone,

Sorry I've not been around for a while. I've been on a bit of a MN break, partly because I've been too exhausted to post, and partly because I hit the big 13 weeks and it all got a bit easier because I felt able to start talking to people in RL. I just felt I was spending too much time in front of a screen rather than living. I've got some lovely supportive family, friends, and colleagues. 16 weeks tomorrow.

Flambola and Ducky, sorry to hear you're going through some rough patches. Big hugs.

April, glad to hear you've got your flight booked for your op. I'm also a premmie mum (G was born at 26+5), and I know what you mean about setting targets. I'm having cervix scans to check mine is long enough (they don't think that's what caused premature labour, but checking just to be on the safe side), and I've just started taking progesterone, which is supposed to prevent premature labour. I'm feeling a bit calmer now I've started taking those... but I'm due to stop at 34 weeks, and I'm now having these visions of going into labour the instant I stop taking them!!! Mind you, at 34 weeks that would be an achievement in itself.

Sorry not to name check, hope all the rest of you are feeling the healing effects of a bit of sunshine.

Apologies for not checking in for a few days.

ducky i'm so sorry to hear you had to deal with seeing that woman straight after visiting dd's grave, as if you weren't upset enough, hey? As for "letting it go" i'm not sure i could in your position. Sending you hugs x

critter sorry to hear you had the worry about the spotting, glad all is ok with baby.

flambola i include Ben when people ask me how many children i have (much to my mother's annoyance) but to be honest the way i see it is he's my son regardless of whether he's here physically or not.

AFM well the bad dreams seem to have eased off, which i find ironic with it being Ben's birthday on Wednesday. My rainbow is giving me lots of movements which is nice. I've now got our rainbow's pram (it got delivered on Thursday) which has prompted a few people to tell me i shouldn't have it in the house because it's bad luck. Apologies if anyone here agrees with that, but we hadn't even gotten around to buying a pram for Ben and the worst happened all the same.

Quick question though- in my antenatal notes, the page for listing previous pregnancies and births hasn't been filled in by the community midwives. Am i wrong in assuming that it should have been?

xx

Town how come you stop taking them at 34 weeks? Glad they're making you feel a bit better, even if it's just for now x

Kayleigh, glad your rainbow is giving you some wiggles yes you are right that part about other children/pregnancies should be completed to include any stillbirth and if I remember correctly it should even detail early losses? Id remind your midwife next time you see her, is she nice? I will be thinking of you and Ben Wednesday x

Town how come you stop taking them at 34 weeks? Glad they're making you feel a bit better, even if it's just for now x

Kayleigh, glad your rainbow is giving you some wiggles yes you are right that part about other children/pregnancies should be completed to include any stillbirth and if I remember correctly it should even detail early losses? Id remind your midwife next time you see her, is she nice? I will be thinking of you and Ben Wednesday x

Sorry for the double post!

ducky thank you for confirming that about my notes. I'm going to take my notes with me on Wednesday when i see the bereavement midwife and let her see what a shambles they've been left in x

Well, that's it, she's had the baby and gave it dd's name. One of her family members come up to me today saying 'she's had her beautiful baby girl' (not mentioning a name, not one of them has said the name to my face) and I didn't know what to do, she tried to show me a picture. I just walked off. Now everyone is telling me I'm out of order

Oh ducky i'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Personally i don't think you're out of order, as i would no doubt feel just as upset if someone who knew about Ben called their son that name. Why on earth can't some people just show a little sensitivity sometimes? I'm sending you lots of love and xx

Thanks Kayleigh x

Sorry you are being forced to go through this Ducky must be so difficult, I don't think you are out of order at all, some people will never understand!

This popped up on my Facebook wall today from SiMBA the Simpson Memory Box Appeal, thought I'd share it with you lovely ladies it reminded me of how strong everyone here is. Xxx

Stillbirth - The Wall

You are walking along fine with everyone else and the sun is shining and all is going ok and then you walk SLAM into a brick wall. And it hurts – really hurts. It hurts your head and your chest where your heart is and your stomach. And it shocks you as only slamming into a brick wall can. Stops you dead in your tracks. And you stand there thinking “How did I not see that coming? What the hell happened? How could someone just do that to me?” And you look around and everyone else seems to be walking round the wall. They are carrying on like nothing happened and the sun is still shining for them. They don’t even see the wall. They don’t even know it’s there. And you realise you didn’t know it was there until you hit it – you didn’t even know there was a brick wall you could hit – not now, not at this stage. And slowly you pull yourself together. The pain in your stomach goes away but your heart still hurts and your mind is racing with questions about this brick wall – how, what, where, why??

Mostly why? Why on earth would someone make you walk into this wall – why did they have to put it in front of you and no-one else? And you can walk again now the pain in your stomach and maybe your legs has subsided. So you slowly make your way round the wall and to the other side. But it doesn’t look the same on the other side. It’s greyer and emptier. And you know you’ve left something behind – something very precious and you want it back. So you turn round and there is the brick wall behind you and it seems to hit you with the same force again when you realise you can’t go back. Its blocking your path and it will always be there. You pummel your fists on it and cry and shout at it but it’s unbreakable and absolute. It won’t let you get your precious bundle back – that has to stay on the other side and you must carry on without it. You can’t go back to the path you were on before you hit the brick wall – it’s impossible. So all you can do is go forward and walk on from it. But its hard-going and your legs don’t seem to want to walk away from it. You know when you look over your shoulder it will always be there. It may fade a bit from view but if you look closely you will always be able to see it – even in the distance. And you look around you again and see all the people who never hit the brick wall carrying on too. You tell some of them about the brick wall and they sympathise – it must have hurt they say. You are looking well despite hitting this brick wall – you have no cuts or bruises on the outside because those heal. So you must be doing ok then now they say? But my wounds are on the inside you feel like screaming. How can you not know about this brick wall – why couldn’t you walk into it instead of me?

And then you feel bad – you know you wouldn’t really want anyone else to walk into that wall. Some people are ok – maybe they have seen the wall themselves in the past or come close to it - maybe they are really good friends and family who close their eyes and do try to imagine walking into the wall. They are the ones who help you keep walking away from it. People tell you that you’ll never hit this brick wall again – it only appears once in your life. And you want to believe them even though you can’t be sure.

Up ahead it looks like maybe your path does cross back into the sunshine again – the same sunshine that everyone else is basking in. And you can just maybe make out another bundle waiting for you to pick up and carry with you for the rest of your life. And maybe if you are strong and keep moving forward then you’ll reach it one day. But it’s not the same bundle as before – it can’t be. That one is behind the wall. The wall that’s always there if you look over your shoulder. And written on it in forever more is the message in letters a mile high, that only you can see – My darling baby. RIP

That's lovely lake, it brought a tear to my eye x

Oh Lake I'm in tears now reading that. It's so ... true.

Hey Ducky I can imagine how you must be feeling. I know that we can't claim ownership over a name but it's just so insensitive.

Kayleigh, glad you're getting wiggles! But at superstitious people. Not sure how I would react to being told that. Can I ask why your mum is annoyed by you including Ben?

I had a second scan today. Everything is moving along ok, so far. They dated me at 9+4 so a week behind what I thought I was. I'm beyond terrified at the moment, but I've started my one-on-one counselling now so I'm hoping that'll be of some help, and it's open ended too.