Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

Hi All

Didals - a sad welcome, very sorry to hear your story. All the best with this pregnancy

Lake of Dreams - Good luck on Monday for your scan.

Flambola -glad your scan went well, I was the same with my first scan, convinced they were going to say there was a problem. I have moved to a different OB and he is known for his good bedside manner which I think is going to be so important this time around.

Little Tulip - I'm not sure if I had heard your story before. I see you had a premie previously, so sorry to hear that. I also lost my baby boy early, at 24+5. Do you mind me asking you if they gave you a reason for your baby's prematurity and have you been told to do anything differently medically this time around?

In relation to buying things, I bought very little last time around but have drawers full of things that were bought for me. This time I doubt I will buy much at all, maybe the basics like a car seat but only once I am very close to my due date. My friend has just found out she is pregnant after IVF and I am so chuffed for her. She is so excitable which is totally different to my state of mind but I think overall it is a good thing as she will encourage me to try to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible.

AFM, it was my angel's due date a few days ago. Me and my husband went away somewhere very quiet. It was a strange day as I think it meant more to friends and family than us. We felt quite detached and no more upset than any other day. I think for us we were so far past the idea I'd still be pregnant now as I had him so prematurely. For us I think events where we had expected to have him, like my SIL's due date and my sister's wedding which will have more of an impact on us.

Take care everyone x

april that's lovely news about your friend, and i'm sure you will both be a great support to each other. Ben's due date was a strange day for me and dh too. It has been hard at events which Ben would have been at but we've battled through xx

Just a quick hello to all you wonderful, amazing and string ladies. Thank you for the kind words of congratulations Critter and so, so pleased to see you are still progressing nicely.

Didals - a sad welcome to this thread. It has been a lifeline for me in the aftermath of losing G - a very different and perhaps less horrific situation than most here, as I had a TFMR at 15 weeks, so I mourned a pregnancy and all the 'what ifs' rather than seeing an actual baby...I guess... But if felt like the end of the world the way we knew it for us no matter how far along I was. I am glad you have found your way here, particularly being pregnant, as we all know just how stressful a subsequent pregnancy is.

Lake - Fx for your scan tomorrow. Gosh, my stomach is in knots for you. I will be eagerly checking in to see how it went.

Flambola - so pleased all seems well so far! How far along are you now? We can't be very far apart. I think my edd is 09/11 which would make me 8+1, but I am sure this will change at every scan.

April - what you said about your edd and how it felt for you and dh really resonated with me. We felt very much like you in January. What I found hard however was dd's 3rd birthday, as I thought I'd either be in labour or have a brand new baby by then. Instead we had curious analytic looks as to whether or not I was drinking (I bloody was!) and a few sympathetic side tilts of the head. My SIL gave birth 1 month before our edd for G and I thought it would be torture to hear baby updates, but actually the whole lead-up to the birth was the worst. Thankfully I was pregnant on the day of the birth (sadly mc a few days later) so at least I had hope that day. Then when the baby arrived, she looks so unlike 'my' baby that I am pretty indifferent. She's just a baby. Not MY baby. Does that make sense?

AFM - as said above, somewhere along 8 weeks. Somehow time is going reasonably quickly. I am riddled with fear and anxiety and spend most nights anxiously awake, analysing every twinge and pain. I have an early scan Wednesday and am terrified. No one knows I am pregnant, apart from DH, one of my bosses (purely so the absences for a/n apptmts don't 'count' as real absences) and now mum. Wasn't planning on telling her at all but she's staying for a week and well...she knows me rather well! It's hard to hide my bad mood, mood swings, nausea and extreme tiredness. I sound like a bundle of fun don't I! But I am so grateful. I really am. I will take every single horrendous side-effect, I really don't mind, as long as all is well...
The only thing that bothers me is that I received my booking in and 12w scan letters, but they seem to be with the normal team. I didn't manage to speak to my usual lovely MW at Fetal Medicine and the one I spoke to must have just wanted to bat me off asap. I will see what we can don on Wednesday..

Wowsers! I disappear for weeks and then this! Sorry! And I haven't even name checked everyone. Sorry.
So good to 'speak' to you all again. All the best and big hugs x

Hi everyone,

Sneaky work post to wish lake a massive good luck for today's scan. Hope it all looks perfect, and that the next few months until October fly by in a totally straightforward, boring in a good way manner.

madem I can imagine how frightened you must be. Tight squeeze and good luck for Wednesday's scan.

tulip I think moments of terror are normal given your experience. You're four days ahead of me! Will be thinking of you, this must be a particularly scary time in your pregnancy. Hope you can discuss all the delivery stuff with your doctor next time you see him/her. I am talking it through with my doc on Weds - I think he'll want to do a repeat CS but as I want 3 (living) kids, which would mean 4 c sections, I'm a bit nervous. Nervous either way though! Totally get what you mean about missing the experience of childbirth but I think that it will be a different experience for us either way. Big hug lovely girl.

kayleigh your bereavement midwife sounds great - we don't have those here! Hope you're ok.

april thinking of you as your little one's due date comes around. I am glad you have had some quiet time with your husband, that is so important. I didn't buy much for my first pregnancy, because my mum and dad were so superstitious (they had a stillbirth) and won't buy much this time either. I figure there's time after the baby arrives.

All fine here, had a growth scan on Friday with my mum there who was visiting from the UK, and he is growing and healthy and looked very like J from the facial features. Was so nice and such a relief. Just want to fast forward the next three months. It's been a very different pregnancy but I am grateful that there have still been moments of joy among the fear and grief.

madem wishing you all the luck in the world for Wednesday, and i hope you manage to get all the care side of things sorted out also.

lake hoping all went well with your scan today.

critter i'm so glad things are going as they should, and how lovely for your mum to be at the scan with you. I haven't actually met the bereavement midwife yet (didn't know there was one at my hospital) but the bereavement nurse is a marvel.

AFM well the bereavement nurse rang me today to say she's arranged an appointment with the bereavement midwife (they don't hang around which is good), and i'm seeing them on the 15th April, which coincidentally is Ben's birthday. I'm ok about it as we weren't planning on going up to the grave until the older dc's are out of school, but it will be a bit strange going into the hospital for a different reason on that day .

Love to all x

Scan was fine baby bang on for dates so due date 9/10. Had a 45 min wait for the scan and then a nearly 2 hour wait for the consultant appointment.

The plan is scan at 20 weeks, Doppler to check blood flow between me, baby and placenta at 22 weeks. If the Doppler is OK ten scans at 28, 32 and 36 weeks and we will set an induction date at 36 weeks. He said he would rather I got closer to 39 weeks before induction rather than 38 but we will see how things go. If the blood flow is concerning them on the Doppler then they'll scan me every 3 weeks and probably every 2 weeks after 30 weeks. He said they will probably want me to take aspirin as I have a hole in my heart and bad varicose veins.

He also said it looked like E did have a growth issue as she was on the 50th centile at her 20 week scan and 9th at nearly two weeks overdue. However the consultant who gave us the report said she was just small

The dr I saw today was a bit overwhelming and was talking about the risk associated with induction which I felt was a bit premature given I'm 12+3!! Higher risk or CS and instrumental delivery and higher chance of baby becoming stressed out. I really felt like he was already pushing me to go to my due date and see if I'd go into natural labour, not sure I could cope going overdue unless they scanned me every day!! That said he was nice and said no one would blame you if you wanted to be induced and you wouldn't need to work hard to convince us to do it.

Wow I have missed so much!!

Am just going to read back through the thread to catch up

after cleaning baby poo off ds and a dog poo from outside

X

So much to read and I'm on my phone sorry not to name check.

Glad the scans went well let's hope you have uneventful pregnancies and don't be afraid of asking for more help/scans/monitoring if you think you need it

And will be thinking of you tomorrow madem x

Sorry I haven't been on here much recently have been a bit poorly. At least it's me and not ds

Have his consultant appt in 2 weeks to review his cmpi and will be referred to a dietitian to help with weaning. Can't beleive how fast the past few months have been for me

Hugs to everyone!

Hello all, I've been meaning to post for a while but it's been a lot longer than I'd realised. I'm not sure I've even posted since this new thread started. Lovely to see there have been lots of bfps since I was last on here and so very pleased for you all - too many to namecheck!

Very sad to see there are so many new names though. This thread (well the previous couple) and the lovely ladies on it were so helpful at such a dark time in my life and I hope it is helpful for you all too.

Ducky it sounds like things must have been hard for you if ds has cmpi, I hope you are both doing ok. (I haven't managed to read very far back on the thread and I'm not sure I've read anything since the quite early days after your ds was born). Sorry you're poorly as well atm.

I feel a bit odd posting actually, I'm definitely not ttc so I possibly shouldn't be here! But I'm thinking about it all, all over again - my wonderful rainbow is nearly 6 months now, and it's nearly 2 years since I held my beautiful son...can't believe it's that long. I'm not sure many people will remember and I don't want him to be forgotten. Just wanted to say that to some people who would understand.

Hi blue!

I often worry too that people have forgotten dd. I'm so heartbroken too, someone I know has decided to give their dd the same name (I see them regular, they know what happened etc).

Are you planning anything to make your sons birthday?

And of course you should be here! I found that when I was TTC and when I was pg the thing that helped the most was hearing from people like you who have gone through losing a child, being pregnant and then having a rainbow

We had a difficult time with ds, I took him back and forth to the hospital and drs on a daily basis for 2 weeks as I knew somethig was wrong, I kept saying it was cmpi but they said I was wrong. Ds was screaming 24/7, had an awful rash all over his body and was pooing blood but they said 'it's normal/it's colic/ it's a stomach bug/ you have an unhappy baby' eventually it was diagnosed. I would ring up and the receptionist kept huffing saying 'oh it's you again' . Then that got sorted, he started to get what I thought was his first cold, so I took him drs again, back and forth for 3 days and no one would listen, it was worse than a cold, eventually I called up someone I knew that knows the consultant at the hospital and she got me an appt, by the time I got there ds has gone pale and floppy and was struggling to breathe he had bronchilitis and we were stuck in 5 days while he was on oxygen. It was awful. They all treated me like I was an overreacting ftm

Sorry about that rant! I sometimes feel better when I put it all down!

X

lake so glad your scan went well, and that you've got a care plan in place now. Gosh can understand what you mean about feeling overwhelmed about the doctor! While i've been told i'm more than likely going to be induced nobody has spoken about the risks of being induced.

ducky sorry to hear you've been poorly, i hope you're feeling better now. Gosh, your ds is almost at the weaning stage? Time really does fly, it's scary.

blue how lovely to hear from you! I second ducky in that you have every right to be here still. Of course you don't want your angel to be forgotten, I've felt more than a few times since we told people i'm expecting again that some people have almost forgotten Ben- like they expect me to be "fixed" somehow; which is rediculous. Are you planning anything to mark the day?

Hi all,

ducky sounds like you've been through the mill again with all ds issues. How dare they not listen though, you shouldn't have had to rely on a friend being able to get you seen. I really hope you played up about it!

lake congrats on positive scan outcomes x x

kayleigh fixed... I think people perceive time or certain things /steps that should have fixed us all, crap isn't it.

AFM, 12 week scan tomorrow, dreading it if truth be told, to check there is still something in there since the one at 7 weeks. I'm sure I've felt little bits of movement over past week or two, but that could just be an overactive imagination and wanting it to all be ok.

Will let you know how we get on tomorrow x

Blue - so good to read about you and so nice to hear you're well. Your angel us never forgotten on these boards. I've always loved reading about people who had gone on to conceive and give birth to healthy, love babies. It's such a reassuring thing for us all!

Lake - so glad scan went well. Hurray!

Ducky - how unbelievable that you had to fight so hard for your little boy to be treated correctly! Doesn't really inspire confidence...

Vicky - I'll be thinking of you tomorrow for your scan!

AFM: scan went well today. Was seen by the same professor and even he was amazed at how well you could see head and little buds for legs and arms. Measuring bang on 8+4 and due mid November. I think I might just slowly start accepting that this is happening...

Yay congratulations madem so pleased for all these lovely stories coming up x x

There is something in there still, it has a heartbeat and all looks ok so far! Now to avoid telling anyone in RL for as long as possible. Hope all you lovely ladies are ok x

vicky so pleased your scan went well, and that all looks ok.

madem so pleased for you too, and lovely that you were seen by the same person.

AFM now we're into April it's almost a countdown until Ben's birthday, and if that wasn't bad enough i've started having bad dreams, which are bugging the hell out of me because as soon as i wake up i can't remember anything other than that they were bad enough to wake me up . Hope all you wonderful ladies are ok xx

Great news about the scans

Kayleigh, are you planning anything to mark the day? I find around big days (birthdays/Christmas etc) I have very bad nightmares maybe it's because your focussing on bens birthday I hope the dreams stop soon. I find I'm having them at the moment as it's approaching dd's due date .

I'm having a bit of an issue at the mo, when I was having ds, when we had the gender scan and we found out he was a boy, I felt a bit sad (I know I have said this before) but I've since realised that it more that I wanted a girl as it might have been like getting dd back rather than being sad he was a boy. Now I'm thinking if I get pregnant in the future I'm terrified of having a girl as I never want to feel/people to think I can ever replace dd. Ds is still very young so it won't be soon but I don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL about it and I wouldn't know how to cope

You guys are truly amazing, I don't know how I would have got through the last year without you all x

Hope everyone has a nice break x

Glad both of your scans went well Madem and Vicky.

Sorry about the nightmares Kayleigh. Are you planning on doing something special for Ben's birthday?

AFM got to work the whole of Easter doing nights which is probably slightly nicer. DH is working today and Monday and I'm doing Friday Saturday Sunday night!! Got a random appointment through the post yesterday. I think it's the clinic appointment for after my 28 week scan. The hospital I'm at send clinic appointments and scan appts on seperate letters. I'll be really impressed if they send all of them to me soon as I'll need to swap shifts or book the day off. We already have our roster done till the end of May! Hope you all have a lovely Easter xxx

Good afternoon ladies,
Read though the last few pages.. Glad to see so many of you doing well & progressing nicely with pregnancies!

I'm 10+1 today.. Had an early scan at 5weeks due to pain in my right side & scan showed a sack & egg yolk.. Follow up scan at 7 weeks showed an embryo with a heart beat.. Sneakily took a picture of the scan photo she printed and can see it's little tail ha..

Last week I found it's heartbeat on a doppler so hoping all is progressing well. Dating scan on 21st April which I'm quite looking forward to actually.

My emotions about this pregnancy vary from day-to-day.. Some days I sit there and envision our happy ending in October.. Other days I feel nothing - often remind myself that this baby didn't ask to be conceived after we lost our DD, so it deserves all the joy & happiness that we felt when we were pregnant with her - hard to always feel this way though, but trying my damndest!

Home midwife is lovely! Booking appt went well..

Sorry this post is very me, me, me.. I've nowhere else to spew this all out as family still don't know (holding out for 16 weeks) & I've distanced myself from the antenatal clubs for now.. Might rejoin them as I get further along.. It's hard listening to them talk with excitement about hospital and labour choices.. I've still got issues with the fact that a section will likely be the way this baby is born, and still grieving my 'natural' limited intervention water birth :( sob.. Ridiculous given that I just want a live baby to take home.. But a vbac 17months after section with 10% risk of placental abruption is just ridiculous.. I'd be stupid to even contemplate.. But heart is having a hard time catching up with my heard..

Anyhows, now I'm all caught up I shall dip into the thread more and join in conversations - not just talk about me ha!

Hope everybody has a lovely Easter weekend :) xxx

Thank you all :)
Kayleigh- so sorry about the dreams, really awful. You feel so out of control when this happens. I hope they bugger off soon!

Winter- so glad to read all is well!! I was really wondering how you were getting on and am so pleased to hear some fabulous news. I am stalking the November a/n group - no way I can join just yet, far too much bad news and excitement for me still. But I was really watching out for you on there and wondering how you were.
Fx all continues to go well.

Vicky- excellent news too. Why 15 weeks exactly? (Sorry if I should know!)

So I just went to read up and someone mentioned a good 7wk scan but a foetus who died the day before their 12wk scan. It's such a bloody minefield. I'm staying well away now. Lesson learnt!!

ducky i know how you feel regarding the sex of the baby. When people have asked me what i'd like this time i've always said that as long as i get to bring this baby home i'm not overly fussed one way or another (we've got a name for either) . Having said that though, i've often wondered in quiet moments whether if this one is a boy the anxiety will increase.

lake the hospital i'm at send different appointment letters out seperately too and it can be annoying sometimes. I had my letter for my first consultant appointment weeks before my 12 week scan letter, but yet the appointments were only a week apart. I hope you manage to get work sorted for the appointments.

winter glad all is well. My emotions about this pregnancy are all over the place too, but the bereavement nurse i see said it's understandable. I know what you mean about birth plans ect though. I'd wanted a home birth with Ben but because i was so early i'd gone to delivery suite, and while i know that i wouldn't be able to have one now i'm still a bit sad that i'll never have that particular experience.

AFM well the dreams are still happening, i have wondered if they could be related to Ben with his birthday approaching. On the day itself we have an appointment with the bereavement nurse and midwife at the hospital, and then once the older dc's are out of school we're all going up to the grave. We always get the dc's a helium balloon on their birthday so i'm going to get Ben one and tie it to his grave marker and the when it's deflated i'll bring it home and out it in his memory box.

Hope everyone has a nice Easter xx

ducky that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that when things should have finally been less stressful. I'm glad you've got a diagnosis now tho and hopefully it should get easier - I think they often grow out of it eventually don't they?? Or at least less severe? The gender thing - I was so relieved dd was a girl as then there was no way anyone could think E was somehow replaced. And also it sort of helped with the anxiety when pg, underlined that this time would be different. That said, so few people have remembered this year that I suspect people think we're 'fixed' in any case. I guess if you go on to have another it'll be a case of taking each day as it comes again and trying not to think iyswim?

Thanks kayleigh, we had a nice day as a family and went to the cinema after visiting E's grave. It was so different to last year, when I was like many people on here -pg with my rainbow and hoping things would be ok. We had a couple of nice messages from people which really helped.
I struggled with bad dreams when I was pg with dd btw - I'd actually forgotten til now but by the end I was hardly sleeping. It's the anxiety I guess. No help, but lots of sympathy! Xx

Great news about lots of good scans :) mademoiselle I remember dipping into the antenatal threads and then running away too & hiding on here! Today you are pg, today you are pg. Just get through today and if there are bits you can enjoy, go with it.
Wishing everyone gentle days and plenty of chocolate :)

Mademoiselle, April and winter - great news about your scans. It's so nice to hear everyone's doing well.

I have a second scan next week. I'm suddenly feeling very anxious. I've been suffering horribly with morning sickness but it's disappeared today. And it's my Gran's funeral tomorrow so feeling pretty fragile. I'm finally starting to deal with what happened too but it means I'm crying all the time and I can't deal with people. But I have to remember it's only been three months.

Sorry for being a Debbie downer! Hope everyone's having a nice bank holiday weekend and enjoying the good weather.

Oh flambola, I certainly wasn't up to much other than crying 3 months on, and you have hormones and the death of your grandmother to deal with too (or have I misunderstood?). Big big hugs to you and strength for the next few days. When is your scan? We will all be thinking of you.

Ducky how are you doing?

Kayleigh how are the dreams??