Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

So, the consultant has told us it was an acute placental abruption, with no known cause. He said my bloods all came back fine, and so did Jimmy's. There were no genetic problems. He was growing really well but because of how big he was there were initial concerns about gestational diabetes but that all came back negative. He was just big. They think that it must have been a weakness from the beginning of the pregnancy that they couldn't have picked up on because of his size.

My consultant was very nice. He has arranged for me to have a scan on Friday, so feeling a little anxious for that. I've had a bit of vomiting and nausea this past week but I'm not sure if it's anxiety or morning sickness!

Ellie, when will you be having your scan?

Hope you are ok after your appointment flambola, I know how much it can bring back memories. Are you feeling any better for having an answer? Wishing you well for Friday and hope the rest of the week goes quickly for you.

Not sure when my scan is, will be getting a letter in the next couple of weeks. Glad I get to go so I can hopefully get a clean bill of health.

ellie hope you get everything sorted and you get your scan sooner rather than later so you know what's going on.

lake the earliest Ben's stone could be laid is May, but that will be pushing it as he's buried under where the stone will go (it was done that way so me and dh can also be buried there if we wish) and as the ground hasn't settled that well my guess is we'll need to wait longer. Do you have a design in mind for E's stone?

flambola glad your meeting went well and you got some answers. Hope your sickness eases off soon for you

Hi all.

Thanks for everyone for the advice re the photos, I plan to get some lovely B&W ones printed and DH has now given me the go ahead to put them in the lounge which is great.

Town, great news re your scan, a great milestone to cross. Ellie, sorry to hear about AF coming. Mine were pretty heavy post baby but maybe get checked out if you're concerned? Ducky sorry to hear about your friend using your angel's name that is so tough. I love our angel's name so much when I let myself thing of pot baby names now, nothing comes close, I wish I could say his name every day. I'd be horrified if a friend used it. Flambola hope you're feeling a little better. I have just finalised our angel's gravestone to place his ashes under. No one should ever have to think about these things.

Hope everyone else is well, sorry not to name check everyone.

AFM, I had a v early scan at just over 6 weeks the other day, all looks good and we saw the flickering little heartbeat which was very reassuring. Still very early days but from what I've read risks drop significantly once you have seen a heartbeat. Well some risks at least. So now busy sorting insurance and co-ordinating doctors to come back to the UK in April to hopefully get stitched up to hold them in for as long as possible. Cervix is still very short which is bloody scary.
xxx

Hi ladies

Sorry for long absence. Work has been really busy, which is a good distraction, but stressful too. I am sorry for the difficult Mother's Days - it's not until May here, so I got to largely ignore it. It's my second Mother's Day as a mum without a living child and it's always a weird feeling. I used to hate it before I had J when I was struggling with infertility and like you kayleigh I think that even if you do have living children it must be weird. Someone is missing.

Lovely to see the flurry of BFPs. Isn't it odd how we go for ages without anyone getting pregnant and then a whole bunch cluster together? Congratulations to all of you brave, courageous, beautiful mums. And a tight squeeze to those of you still in TTC misery, or the crap period when you want to TTC but can't yet because you're still healing from your birth and/or are not ready to try again.

Tulip, how lovely, another boy. My consultant also wants to talk to me about delivery but I know he'll probably want to do a c section because I don't think they like to induce with VBACs. I feel conflicted about it - I always wanted a family with three (living) children which would potentially mean 4 c sections which I know is risky. So if I could do a VBAC it might be safer for future pregnancies after this little chap. But at the same time I don't think I could handle it if my VBAC went wrong and I lost another full-term healthy baby. And having never done a 'normal' birth I have no idea whether it would all be ok or not. Birth is so full of unknowns, at least a c section would provide a little more certainty in terms of dates etc. I'm going to chat to him about it all at my next appointment. He's booked me in for regular growth scans which helps. Was 'A' a 'natural' birth? I think the best thing you can do is talk it through and find out the options.

towns I think it's totally natural to be sad - pretty much every single loss mum I know has had a preference for the next baby to be the same sex as the lost one. My mum, who lost a boy at 8 months pregnant, went on to have two girls (me and my sister) and I know she was a bit wistful when I was born - but she says she wouldn't swap me now for a boy! I had really psyched myself up at my scan for it to be a girl, and when I heard it was another boy, I felt almost deflated because I had been so focused on being 'ok' with a girl. The thing is, it'll be a different child, whatever the sex, and we all just so badly, badly want the child we lost. As soon as your little boy arrives, I know you will be head over heels in love.

april great that you're putting up some pictures of your baby. We only took iphone photos of our little lad but we have one nice family shot and it is the most precious thing to me.

madem so happy for you but I know how scary this stage is given what you've been through.

Sorry towns I should have said even before your little boy arrives you'll be head over heels in love! Expressed myself poorly. I guess I just wanted to (clumsily) say that all this pregnancy after loss stuff is bloody complicated - from the sex, to feeling first flutters, to putting on maternity clothes again. Such a mix of emotions, joy, fear, pain. It's all bittersweet and it's just exhausting.

I have just discovered this thread.

I had a twin pregnancy in 2013, with twin one ending up being stillborn My waters broke at 28+5 and even though I was in hospital, the MWs didn't realise I was in labour. I was complaining about constipation pains but this was not picked up as actual labour. (On 'Discussions of the day' on the RHS of your screen it says 'It's not a poo' - advice for labour. Wish I had known that before!!!)

Turns out contractions are hard work for small babies and in the end she died in labour. When I finally called in the MW because 'something was definitely coming out' it turned out I was crowning. To cut a long story short twin2 was delivered by EMCS, under GA, with a sweating anaesthetist hovering over me and the neonatal dr telling me twin 1 had not survived.

Twin 2 is now 17 months and an absolute joy. She's made the grief bearable. She has the most gorgeous mop of blond curls that is just irresistible.

I am 40 so if we want another child we need to get cracking.

I had a MC in September but fell pregnant fairly quickly (despite conceiving with IVF earlier - I have NO idea how that happened) after.

So now I am 15+4 and terrified.

I am monitored every 2 wks at the preterm clinic at my hospital so that's all good, but I do feel the NHS care is very dispersed. You end up seeing a different doctor every time (despite having a named consultant) a different mw every time (unless you specifically ask for it - why is this not standard?). I have now managed to get myself on to case load care in a different area to where I live (I can't get on to case load care where I live locally, because I don't want to give birth at my local hospital, for obvs reasons. Arghh.) but that's due to me fighting for it, not the NHS offering. I am consumed with how to organise the best medical and mental support for me and my baby, not just during pregnancy but also during birth and after. And it's exhausting! I just wish someone in the NHS would stand up and say 'listen, we're going to take care of you this time'.

Anyway - that's my NHS rant done.

Has anyone of you given birth after SB? I am very much thinking an ELCS. To give birth you need to be able to relax (in a way ... IYKWIM) and just get in to the zone, I am not sure I will be able to do that with the anxiety of a SB coursing through my veins. Also, I would rather chew off my own arm rather than labour in hospital, seriously, I would rather labour on South West Trains in rush hour or in the frozen foods aisle in ASDA on a Saturday, you get the picture. And a HB is out of the question (and not sure I could manage. It would require some HEAVY DUTY hypnobirthing :-) ).

Anyone any tips on managing this anxiety? Or is this the million dollar question?

Sorry for dumping this mammoth post in here, withuot even saying HI or offering support ...will do better next time!

So sorry you find yourself here dil, but congratulations on your pg. your dd sounds lovely

I had a stillborn daughter in feb 2014 and gave birth to my son in December 2014. I do not think there is anyway to help the anxiety sorry! I was monitored daily in the end but that didn't stop me sitting up all night worrying

I was induced at 37 weeks, it was meant to be 38 but I had a bit of a break down and said I couldn't do it anymore personally if I were to have another one, I would opt for a section. I had a very traumatic labor, overall it was fine, there have definitely been worse but it was more traumatic mentally as I started having flashbacks and they took ds away to special care straight away, they also pressed all the alarms and the crash team/peadeatritans came running in and they wouldn't tell me what was happening

I did originally have the option of a c sec but thought loads about it and went for induction, I think my decision was purely based on the fact they would do a c sec at 39 weeks but an induction at 38, although the consultant said she would do either from 37 weeks if I really felt I needed to.

And with people speaking about the sex of the baby (sorry I'm on my phone and can't remember who said!) after dd, I must admit I wanted a girl, and was a little bit upset after our sexing scan with ds (how bad is that) I feel awful for saying it. But now I think I realise the reason I wanted a girl was because it may have seemed like I was getting dd back now I'm terrified of having a girl in the future and I love love love my little ds.

God, you're brave ... trying for another one immediately. Although, having said that, I remember that I wanted to get pregnant immediately again, to fill up the gap of the baby that isn't there ...

Re labour - That's what I am afraid of too. They always say that the second time is easier, but there's no guarantees. Bloody hell, I would go mental if that would be my birth ...

I don't think you should feel upset about being disappointed (initially) with the gender of your baby. I had the same when I found out the gender of the twins, I really wanted 2 big strapping boys that would give their mum big man hugs. And then it turned out to be 2 girls! But I wouldn't want it any different now! And I'd love to have another girl, so I may have the 'gender disappointment' again ... !

critter how many weeks along are you?
My consultant seems keen to get me to look at VBAC as an option ... which I have made clear I am not keen on ... I have to go to a VBAC clinic, I guess to be told the risks of both options, but I could really do wihout having to tell my sob story again.

Is anyone getting any counselling during pregnancy? I am wondering whether I should. I am functioning, but my lord, I am crying twice a day, on the way to work and on the way back ... (only time I am on my own). And I can't even get excited about this pregnancy! Anyway, I am sure I am preaching to the converted here ...

Dildals, I'm so sorry to hear about the devastating loss of your sweet little girl. My cousin and his wife lost a twin due to preterm labour (their boys were born at 24 +3, one survived and is now a gorgeous toddler but the other little boy didn't make it) and I know it's really complicated for them because they are joyful about their surviving son but of course they also feel all the terrible pain of losing his brother, and feel so sad when they see twins together.

Like you I wanted to get pregnant immediately (my baby was also IVF and long-awaited and much much wanted) but because I had an emergency c section (also under GA) I had to wait 6 months before TTC on the advice of the consultant who delivered my son in January last year (who died 20 hours after birth due to a velamentous cord insertion rupture at 39 + 3). I had one early miscarriage last summer and got pregnant again 9 months post partum (using a frozen embryo from the round that producing my first son). I'm now 23 weeks, due in July, almost exactly 18 months after my first birth.

I'm surprised your consultant is pushing VBAC. The risks are there with c section too but given that you're not planning on having a lot more children after this baby, and that you aren't comfortable with labour given your previous traumatic history, it sounds like it may not be the best option for you. People who haven't lost babies at birth opt for repeat c sections all the time! I would write down a lot of questions and ask why this is recommended for you. They should take your emotional wellbeing into account and explain clearly why they are recommending this.

ducky your labour sounded terrible. I wish it had been a healing experience for you instead of more trauma. I hope you and your little man are doing ok, and I don't think feeling sad over gender at first is bad at all. It's totally just that we want our babies that died back, not that we're unhappy about having a new baby.

april your plans for the pictures sound lovely and i'm glad your scan went well and you're feeling reassured now.

critter you've hit the nail on the head- feeling like someone is missing is exactly how i felt on mothers day. As it fell, it was also my best friend's 30th birthday so i went to see her which meant i wasn't wallowing at home.

dildals i'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. With regard to your question about birth after a SB for me nobody has mentioned anything other than induction as of yet. If i'm honest i'm not thinking about that side of things anytime soon because i think i'd drive myself potty.

AFM having a difficult time at the moment. It's less than 4 weeks to Ben's 1st "birthday" and i feel like i don't know which way is up anymore. I've only told my mum and best friend how i'm feeling as i know they won't pressure me to talk if i don't want to. God this is so crap xx

With us the 'birthday' is also the actual birthday of her sister, so it's quite double but at least it gives you enough energy and momentum to get through the day.

Sorry you're having a hard time kayleigh, I can only agree, it's crap.

Sorry you're feeling rough, Kayleigh.

And I'm sorry for the loss of one of your daughters, Dildas. I'm currently receiving counselling while pregnant but it's a coincidence as I lost my baby quite recently. It does nothing to alleviate the anxiety, tbh. I'm still on anti-depressants as the risk to the baby is outweighed by the risk to me being off them so I think that at the moment is keeping me on a sort-of even keel.

I had an early scan today. I was quite stony-faced and the sonographer (?) commented on the fact I didn't seem very happy. Well, that was it, I just burst into tears after mentioning James. But there was a little heartbeat. They've arranged for me to have a second one on the 14th April, to check that everything's progressing as it should. I thought that was kind of them.

I feel I've really changed since everything happened. I used to be bossy and impatient and quite highly strung. But nothing (except for this pregnancy) gets to me now. I burnt about 6 inches of my hair off making soup and didn't bat an eyelid.

Thank you dildals and flambola, it's just strange to think that a whole year has nearly passed when i can remember everything from that day like it was yesterday, but then i suppose i'll never lose that. I'm hoping the fog lifts soon, but personally i think it'll last at least until Ben's birthday.

flambola glad your scan went well and that they've booked you another to keep an eye on things. Personally i've found knowing when i'm at appointments has helped so far. Like you i've changed too, but i think it kind of goes with the territiory so to speak. As my best friend said to me- "you've been through hell and survived, it's bound to change you in some way".

Flambola, glad the scan went well. The sonogropher can really make a difference to how you feel going into a scan. I met a few twattish not very nice ones in my time which was causing me to have panic attacks when I was going to scans which I had at least every 2 weeks, in the end the one lovely lovely lovely one made sure that he saw me whenever I went in.

I think I changed for the worse after dd I used to be very relaxed and laid back, now I'm constantly anxious and there is always something for me to worry about.

Hugs to everyone x

Hi ladies, quick update. Out of sheer desparation? about Ben's birthday i contacted the bereavement nurse i saw after Ben was born. Me and dh had a session with her today and i'm so glad we did. I feel almost like a weight has been lifted. We're going to start seeing her regularly, and she's also going to set us up with the specialist midwife at the hospital, because she feels the care we're getting with this pregnancy so far isn't what we were promised (the bereavement nurse was at my results meeting last year). I'm mentally kicking myself for not contacting her sooner instead of trying to muddle along

I hope life is being gentle to you all xx

So glad you sorted it Kayleigh. That is the exact same thing that happened to me! I just went along with it then one day had a bit of a breakdown and contacted the bereavement midwife who sorted everything else and then saw her aswell. I was the same, kicking myself for not contacting her earlier! I wonder if it's a common thing with that happening

Great news your feeling a bit better about it now though x

ducky to be honest the bereavement nurse was gobsmacked that i hadn't already been referred to the bereavement midwife! My mum's fuming about the fact i've had to nearly hit rock bottom and then contact Megan (the nurse) myself before we've even been told there was such a specialist midwife at our hospital. I've also wondered if this is a common thing too x

Sorry I've been so quiet been hectic few weeks. Glad you finally got things sorted Kayleigh although it's awful they don't automatically take better care of you.

I'm driving myself insane so trying to keep as busy as possible. 12 week scan Monday afternoon and I keep having huge moments of doubt where I'm so terrified everything has gone wrong or they'll tell me I've imagined it or that it hasn't grown since the 6 week scan. I keep hoping once I've had this scan if everything is OK perhaps I'll feel slightly reassured for a little while!! Luckily I'm working all day Sunday so hoping the time will fly by. Suspect there will be tears Monday no matter the outcome, my mum is under strict orders to tell me jokes!

Hi all, keeping under radar here I suspect a bit like lake waiting for next week and 12 week scan. Those of you who have mentioned a specialist midwife what is their role exactly? After the scan I have an appointment with one next week and my booking midwife had no ideas who it was etc

Thanks all

Hello all,

Lake that has come round quick 12 weeks! I'm sure all will be fine. I was terrified during my 12 week scans both with 'A' and this rainbow baby.

Kayleigh Im glad you got hold of the bereavement nurse. I have been doing everything through the bereavement support team at my hospital and they have been fab.

Welcome to the thread Dildas. Your name sounds familiar, I think I may have come across you on the Sands forum. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with my rainbow, not having counselling however there is an open door access with the team at the hospital.

Critter and Dildas im glad you both talked about method of delivery. I'm still pondering it. Like Ducky says she had such a scary experience and I just want to avoid that. I keep thinking in my head all I want is the baby out safe and healthy, and I guess the best way to assure that is to have a c section. We have never considered a family with more than 2 children so I guess that answers that question. However a part of me wants to go through the excitement of 'childbirth' but I guess that has been taken away from all of us.

Flambola glad you got some answers from your consultant and your scan went well.

Well I have found today really hard and I'm dreading the next week. I am getting to the same stage in pregnancy when I lost 'A', at 25+3 precisely, I am currently 24+5. Little one didn't move for a bit today and I was convinced he was gone. Got myself into a right state, crying, pacing you name it in fact it's the first time this has happened so I guess I haven't done too bad. He moved after a bit and I know he is ok but it scares the shit out of me and has made me realise how very precious this baby and pregnancy is. I don't know what I would do if I lost this baby. I have a growth scan booked for next week with the consultant then another follow up appointment. And I've been seeing the midwife pretty much weekly so I can't really grumble at that. I just need to get through this and it is so hard!

What have you all done about buying things? I know most of you lost your babies a lot later than I did so probably have baby stuff stocked up somewhere; we managed to cancel nursery furniture orders and return items so haven't got many baby things. DH is of the opinion we should start thinking about buying, whereas I am so so nervous about it. Don't want to start getting excited about baby buying for it all to go to pot again. Maybe I will feel better in a few weeks. After all a baby only needs a few clothes, nappies, milk and somewhere to sleep eh?

Love and hugs to everyone sorry about the self indulgent post

Hi Vicky,

I have a team of people. A bereavement nurse who is more a counsellor/support type person. She organised all my appointments and is basically there for a chat or anything I need her for.

Then there are a couple of specialist midwives who deal with ladies that have lost babies.

My sonographer specialises in high risk pregnancies, and in between all this I see the Consultant too.

lake although i'm sure all will be well at your scan it's understandable you'd have those thoughts and doubts. I hope the weekend passes quickly for you and work on Sunday isn't too bad.

vicky i have a bereavement nurse who we met after i'd had Ben, and she's now sorting it out for me to see the bereavement midwife, who as i said i had no idea even existed until Wednesday. From what the nurse said, the midwife had experience in looking after mums-to-be who have had baby loss.

tulip i'm not surprised you're anxious regarding next week, i will be exactly the same no doubt. Being at that same stage is going to be difficult to say the least. It's good that you have appointments to focus on. With regard to buying things, we hadn't bought anything for Ben (we already had clothes from the older dc's and hadn't got round to buying nappies/milk ect. We didn't even have a pram- which i'm thankful for now). With this one i'll probably only buy some nappies/milk near to my induction date, and a friend will lend me her spare carseat to bring baby home from hospital in as i'm reluctant to buy one ready this time. However that's just me, you should buy what you want, when you feel ready to

Tulip sounds like you are doing such a good job. I hope the week passes peacefully for you. We had bought everything last time as we were on a really tight budget so got most things second hand. All you really need is something for baby to wear (vest sleepsuit hat and cardi our unit apparently won't discharge baby if it doesn't have a hat or cardi!!) something to sleep in and bedding, nappies and cotton wool, a car seat to get home in and a way to feed baby. You could always get someone else to store them in their house if it's easier.
Once you are home and safe you can order most stuff online. I think only a pram you'd really need to test out but you don't have to have it in advance. Do whatever you feel comfortable with.