Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

Thanks Kayleigh. It just seems a bit brutal doesn't it!

Well his teething gel settled him for a little bit but not long. He's also been pooping more today which I read can be an affect of teething, he SCREAMS when he poos!

I go into panic mode whenever there is anything wrong with him, I just feel so helpless!

ducky it does seem brutal, you're right. When i had to tell dd about my friend who lost her baby last Friday (the same friend is dd's godmother and dd was aware of the baby) she was upset and cried, but dealt with it quite well i thought. My best friend's oldest 2 also dealt with it well (we're all friends), and it just made us think about how much these 3 little girls have been through in the past year with Ben and now my other friend .
The teething can be so awful sometimes, the extra pooing can be a nasty side effect of teething, as can the subsequent sore bums. Nappy rash cream was a godsend with both dd and ds while teething x

Ducky hope your little boy is feeling better.

Hope everyone is good. Sorry for the self indulgent post but I'm feeling pretty sad. Just heard my father in law is decoration my SIL's baby nursery right now. Made me so sad as our angel should have been due at the end of March and hers is due early May it just feels so unfair. I feel insanely jealous and even a bit hateful towards her and I hate that feeling. I'm trying to think positively and feel hugely lucky to be pregnant again but it doesn't make it easier and I'm scared as I worry I won't feel bonded with this baby as I feel like I can't let myself get attached, which is silly as we obviously get attached from day one. Also with my Angel's due date approaching I am making him a scrap book of pictures. I have a picture of him on a low shelf next to my bed (ie only I see it when I get in and out of bed). I asked DH if we can put a picture in the lounge and he said he's not ready to yet which I understand. He also says he doesn't want to make guests feel uncomfortable. Although we have some pictures of him in the incubator the only pictures I have of him without all the wires and tubes are when he had died. I hope no one gets upset for me to ask (and please feel free not to answer) but do you have pictures of your angel when they died in your lounge etc? I can understand it is quite shocking for people to see but the photos I have are beautiful and he just looks like he is sleeping. I just hate the thought of him being hidden away just to make others comfortable. To be honest i don't know how I will react to having his photo out myself. Sorry for the moan, just feeling down today x

April, the way your feeling is completely understandable. Sorry your having a hard time. Even when I was pregnant my dm babysat for someone who would have been just older than dd and it broke my heart but I couldn't say anything it's really hard coping with them thoughts too

I do have pictures off dd (she was stillborn so the pictures are of her when she was dead ) they are in the bedroom, and in the lounge, there is a few in the lounge. I have a photo frame which holds 4 pictures and a big frame on the fireplace. I know it might make people feel uncomfortable, I often see people who don't come here regularly kind of looking but trying to make it not obvious but I think she's my daughter and she was beautiful, I love seeing her every day so I'm not bothered what they think. I think in these circumstances you have to do whatever to make yourself feel a bit better x

Thanks Ducky, its hard and I know my DH is dreading going home next (we live abroad which gives us the ability to avoid seeing people and allows us to hide away). It is his little bro who is the father-to-be and when we next go to the UK (hopefully for my cervical stitch) he will see his family and the baby will probably have been born. His parents will get to hold his brother's baby but they never even got to even meet ours. Our angel was their first grandchild. I know a lot of people on this thread are in a similar situation and it's comforting to know people have similar feelings.

Thanks for your comments regarding the photos, what you have done sounds very special. I think I will speak to DH about not worrying about what others say but will happily leave it a bit longer if he doesn't feel ready yet. I think part of it is it may invite a conversation about our angel that he is not ready to deal with. I get scared I might break down when with other people but I think it is more difficult for him as he doesn't like the thought of being upset in public. I never saw him cry before this happened and we watched a sad film recently at the cinema, nothing to do with babies, and he just totally broke down. I guess anything emotional just triggers what we've been through even if it is not related at all.

x

Oh April, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I'm not surprised though, with your due date approaching. Do you guys have real life support where you are?

I have two pictures up in the lounge, and one in the bedroom. They're black and white which makes it easier for me to see them. I don't care at all if people find it uncomfortable. He was our son, and a perfect mix of the two of us, and I want people to remember him.

I understand how you feel about being pregnant again. I feel strangely detached and other times veer between sheer terror and joy. And angry, that what happened, happened, and why me and not them (not that I wish harm on anyone else!).

Hey thanks Flambola. We do have real life support to a certain extent. We have some mates out here who have been great and I facetime my family and particularly one of my close friends a lot. So we're not alone and I think for now at least I prefer it this way.

I like your idea of the black and white pictures, not least because I always love pictures in black and white and so I may reprint some of the ones I have into black and white.

Yeah being pregnant again is touch (though I am truly grateful). I wish I could get a nursery ready etc. later down the line but I know I will not make any preparations this pregnancy until I really need to. The silly thing is is that if this experience has taught me anything it's that those material things don't matter. I think it's more the desire for a 'normal' pregnancy than anything else. I'm feeling a bit better now. It doesn't help I am not working out here and so am alone with my thoughts a lot (DH will be home soon). Have quite a few plans over the next month or so though at least. xx

april personally i think you and your dh (when he's ready) should put pictures wherever you want. Ben was stillborn but i shared the better pictures of him on my facebook page (i did write a status prior to putting the pictures on to warn folk in case it offended anyone)- i have pictures of my other dc's so i didn't see why i should have hidden Ben away. xx

We don't have pictures of my DD in our lounge although we do have her hand and foot print in a frame and a picture my friend made with her name and date of birth on. My friend made a rainbow out of buttons and it says "somewhere over the rainbow... Angel babies play" to be honest it's not to my taste at all but it's really big, probably a bit bigger than A4 with a huge frame. Don't really know what to do with it so it sits on the windowsil!!

I don't know why I never put her photo in the lounge, we each have a gorgeous black an white photo on the tables either side of our bed. My mum has pictures of DD in her lounge. We've also got a bunny that my mum had made out of some of DDs baby grows although not the one she is buried in but I have a copy of that in her box and that sits on top of the telly. Weirdly now I think about it we don't have any photos in our lounge.

I've found this week a bit tough as it should have been this week that I returned to work, bit sad that I've been back like 4.5months. One of my colleagues who went on mat leave a few months before me is due back this week. He's her first and all her statuses have been about how hard it'll be to leave her little man and I just wish I'd had that. Stupid to wish you were able to sit at home and cry about leaving a baby to go back to work.

Everytime I feel strong enough to have a peep on the October group there is more bad news, lots of people having MMC and MC. DH thinks I'm crazy for even looking but I'd so love to enjoy this pregnancy. People at work keep asking if everything is going OK and my answer is "for now". I just have no wish to talk about it.

One of my colleagues has just had an awful birth baby is fine thankfully but she had an EmCS and apparently remembers the whole thing. She really seems like she's got some quite bad PTS I've given some mutual colleagues the information from my counsellor as she does all kinds of birth trauma but thought she'd probably feel more guilty if I gave it to her!!

Wondering about referring myself back to my counsellor as I'm entitled to another 6 sessions but I keep thinking I should hold off for a bit longer as I'll probably need her more towards the end. Thinking of saving one session for after birth just in case.

Hi everyone, back again!

April I think I would feel exactly the same as you. I hate the jealous feelngs I have sometimes but then I think after what we have lost it is insignificant. I don't have any pictures of dd up, mainly as it would upset dh. We have her hand and foot prints in our bedroom and have a lovely poem too. I have her footprints as my phone lock screen and her photo as my wallpaper. I do get a few weird looks though, like I'm insane!

Well af is due tomorrow and I already know I'm not pregnant (may have tested early!) And I was so convinced I was because of my ridiculously vivid dream about having another baby I'm dreading mothers day, I find I'm fixating on scenarios of what life would have been like had she lived. Can't figure out how much is normal, I think about her several times a day, will it always be like that or is it unhealthy?

Hope everyone is doing ok and all these lovely rainbow babies are growing well.

lake sorry you've had a bad week, but how thoughtful of you to pass on your counsellors details to your work colleague- not everyone would be so considerate.

april i don't think there is a "normal" when it comes to thinking about your dd, everyone will be different. I think about Ben several times a day 11 months on. I personally don't feel that thinking about your angel is unhealthy either.

AFM had my best friend's 30th birthday last night, and both my parents were there (i've known my friend 16 years) and my dad rubbed my little bump, which while i didn't mind it i found it odd as he's never done that before with the other dc's . Although my dad did tell dh that he goes up to Ben's grave every week, which i love him for, because my mum's never been up since the funeral and that winds me up.

Love to everyone xx

Hello all, I'm back!
I'm been away with work, Tokyo followed by Houston. I've flown around the world in the last 12 days, and my body no longer knows what time zone its in. Thankfully the bean is doing fine - we had our 12 week private scan with Harmony results yesterday and it's all looking totally normal, we have a little boy bean.
I, on the other hand, feel absolutely terrible. I'm so bored with feeling sick and exhausted all the bloody time. I've got next week off work, got a gentle 3 day holiday in the West country planned with DP, so hope that I'll start to feel ok for that.
Now I've reached the 12 week 'milestone' I've at least been confident enough to go and buy some maternity work clothes (different job and season to my last pg, so my existing ones don't really work!). I don't feel excited at all though. I'm hoping it's because I feel rubbish, and once sickness starts to go I'll get some comfort. DP phoned his parents as soon as we got back after the scan - I'm still getting my energy levels together to tell mine. Plus I had a little cry when I found out it was a boy, which I'm ashamed of myself for. Glad I've got lots of time to get my head around my oldest child being a boy not a girl.

Congratulations to Flambola, April, and Madem - can't believe I go away for 2 weeks and come back to 3 BFPs. Amazing news. I know exactly what you mean about not getting too excited - it's going to be a long haul for all of us. Keeping my fingers crossed, and I hope you all manage to get 7 week scans (its going to be a cruel EPU that would turn any of us away) with strong heartbeats to give some comfort in the early stages

I'll be due around 28th Sept, so I think Kayleigh is a couple of weeks ahead of me and Lake a couple of weeks behind. I'm due for planned CS at 39 weeks, so Lake we'll probably be very close assuming we both go to term. Then, Vicky, Winter, Flambola, April and Madem, all due within 2HOct/1HNov. Tulip and Critter both due in July I think?

Thinking of those of you TTC, although there's not many of you left! Take comfort that having an angel doesn't seem to affect fertility at least judging by us lot. Ellie, did the evil witch arrive?

It's good to be back. Missed you folks!

Lake the baby grow thing sounds lovely! I might do that with dd's! The 'for now' answer was always what I used, I couldn't think of what else to say

Feeling a bit upset today, it's my 2nd Mother's Day without dd and I have just found out that a 'friend' who is due any day now is giving her daughter the same name it's not a standard name either so out of all the names in the world why that one and she's been so excited and care free throughout her pregnancy, it's awful but is really pissed me off

Hugs to everyone on mothers day x

I just want to wish all you lovely ladies a contented and happy Mothers Day

Hi town, glad to hear your scan went well and everything is looking good. I've thought a lot about how I would feel should I have a boy or another girl. I think I'd feel upset either way (loss of the future I imagined/worry about feeling like I'm replacing my daughter) don't be too hard on your self.

Yes the evil witch arrived, 2 days late, on mothers day (unnecessarily cruel I think!) I allowed myself to get excited, even got a pregnancy test. God knows what is going on with my body, af has never been late before.

Wishing everyone a lovely mothers day.

town pleased your scan went well, but sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish. I've battled with the exhaustion this time too it's awful at times. 40 weeks for me is 7th September, but i'll probably be induced at some point in August from what the consultant said when i saw him the other week.

ducky how awful for you to have to deal with the name situation. Surely your "friend" would realise the effect it would have on you? I'm sending hugs to you and

ellie sorry to hear af arrived. Keeping my fingers crossed your body rights itself soon for you.

Well my first mothers day since Ben, and while Jessie and Brian had made me lovely things at school i did have a bit of a moment earlier. Nobody in rl has bothered to ask me if i'm ok though- i think they've all just assumed that because i have the older 2 it won't bother me as much . I hope you've all had a gentle day today xx

Thanks Kayleigh. Sorry you have has a difficult day. How is Brian doing now? X

Hi all, hi to town sounds like you've had a really busy couple of weeks, get your head down and get some rest!

ducky I'm not surprised you're pissed off. I would be as well x x

kayleigh only my best friend sent a message to see if I was ok. Neither mum or mil checked when I took their cards etc, and to top it all off DS had a birthday party to go to. So all in all I've felt pretty poo today, beautiful card from the boy, he has made me smile lots today bless him. I'm sure I'd have felt a bit rubbish whatever with it being 1st Mother's Day, I'm imagining that pregnancy hormones aren't helping! Just feels as if nearly everyone else has forgotten 6 months on.

Hope you all have had as good a day as can be x

Vicky nobody other than my mum asked how I was, it can feel very lonely sometimes can't it. I feel the same as you, like everyone has forgotten the last 5 1/2 months.

Ducky I can't believe your friend. I was upset about sil using our daughters name for a ragdoll but that is so much worse. I love to use her name but I think I would struggle to use it for another baby, in this circumstance.

Well I know this is tmi but I'm confused. I'm having a ridiculously heavy period. Had to change during the night and have just soaked through a tampon in 40mins with lots of clots too. Has anyone else have this after having had a couple of light periods? Wondering whether this is just what happens after having a baby.

Thanks guys. I feel like now il have a constant reminder of what could of been

Ellie, sorry I'm not much help but I know after childbirth your periods go mental, I think if you soak through a pad in a certain amount of time your meant to get checked out aren't you? Hope it sorts itself out for you, they're a pain aren't they, mine seems to have packed it's bags and left me! Going to see a dr tomorrow about it.

I know, why can't things be simple! Yeah I think you're meant to get chevked out but don't want to look stupid/make a fuss over nothing. Good you're going to the doctor, if just for peace of mind. I went to doctors after 3 months of no period, got prescribed the pill only for af to show up the next week! Hope you get sorted out.

Hope everyone was ok yesterday? We went to see Jimmy but it was so painful. Maybe once the ground settles and it looks less like a grave it'll be ok. People talk about our plans for it but I can't face it at all. And I just have this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach for tomorrow. Not feeling like I'm coping very well at all today.

ducky Brian is doing ok thanks. His statement doesn't come into effect until April while things are put in place, and i had a phone call from dla this afternoon regarding my request for them to look at his award again, so hopefully i'll hear what they've decided soon.

ellie i'm sure nobody would think you stupid or that you're making a fuss over nothing if you want to get it checked out. The doctor may be able to shed some light on it for you (and hopefully make you feel a bit better too).

flambola sending . Ben's grave has settled but there's a bit that hasn't been filled in all the way up so we're going to have to fill the gap and let that settle before we can sort his stone. We have a stone in mind but we need to speak to the vicar to check it's acceptable and she's been away for some time now looking after her poorly husband.

Love to all xx

Sorry you had a tough day flambola. When mil died we hated going to the grave to start with, once the ground had settled and the grass had grown it felt better, I hope it is the same for you.

Well I rang the doctors who said to go in. She thinks I had a very early miscarriage though I'm not convinced. I'm bleeding way more than after my 7 week miscarriage. Because I said we are ttc she has arranged for me to have an ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus so I'm glad I went.

Hope you get it all sorted Ellie, perhaps the scan will she'd some light.

All this talk of gravestones just reminded me that I got a receipt for the deposit around Xmas and returned the form for the council and haven't heard anything since. Just sent them an email to make sure everything is OK. E's stone can't be laid until June so think that's why I haven't heard but we want to start paying some of it off as it's a lot of money. And it only now leaves April and May, to find a layout we like and get it made, not sure where this year has gone!!